I have been up now for 4 or 5 days now, I really don't know offhand so if this makes no sense I apologize.

* SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING* * IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET DO NOT READ*




Several days ago the demon returned to me. I don't know if anyone knows or even cares, but I was retired after being injured in the line of duty. What happened that day was so grotesque and horrible I can't give the details as it would upset too many here who have enough to deal with. What I experienced from fragmented memories and learned when full details were given me about what actually occurred that day caused a breakdown which involved multiple suicide watches. I have been seeing someone since 2007 about it and for the most part I handle it fine. Unfortunately a few days ago something triggered my PTSD again. I don't know if it was a smell, flash of light or some other stimulus, but it all came back instantly. I can't sleep, eat or rest and a sense of constant fear surrounds me now. My only refuge was helping others here the best I could with what was hurting them or welcoming them here. By doing this it put my issue's and demon into the back of my mind almost forgotten. I feel I have lost what was helping hold me together now. This place has been a HUGE support to me in transition and in a way continuing my career which was helping people. I thank everyone who tolerated me when I was wrong and those who sent me PMs of thanks for being there in their time of need. I fear this demon as it has the ability to take everything from me and it lies, scares and harasses me especially at night. I honestly feel like it may win even though I try as hard as I can to fight it. I do not know how to fight something though with no physical shape and can't track it as it swirls around me taunting me. It is so strong and powerful and knows what I fear the most and it uses it very effectively. Every time I close my eyes now it is there. I feel it's presence and know it is a real thing. I wish I had not been saved or recovered that fateful day only to live in fear everyday of something that you can't escape from the rest of your life. 

What kind of demon are you talking of ?

Quote from: Sosophia on September 23, 2014, 03:41:48 PM
What kind of demon are you talking of ?

The demon of PTSD flashbacks centered around trauma I experienced going from rescuer to rescued. That day, the images, tastes, feels and confusion coming back as if it had just happened. Actually reliving it over and over and never getting de sensitized to it.

It doesnt have to stay this way the rest of your life i believe , your talking of inner trouble right ?

Jessica

I wish I could unlock that cycle for you. You are valued here - I always love your down to earth posts. Take care and get some rest. The worst we can do is hide from ourselves - because that's where the demons live. Don't do anything foolish - you have so much to still offer.

Sending you some late night peace from Zurich 

Big hugs, Jessica.  You know you're one of my favorite people here, right?   Not getting sleep for that many days is going to affect your health adversely, and may even affect your blood sugar if you don't get back to a better sleep pattern (you know this, I'm sure).  I am also having PTSD issues right now, and I am facing that demon head on.  I even started seeing a different therapist last week for it.

I have lots of demons, as you might imagine.  I know them all so well that we're on a first name basis.  But you know what?  I am stronger than all of them, and I know I can make them all my b*tch.

Jessica, please take care of yourself and slay this demon before it snowballs on you even further or worse, unleashes other demons.   You are an awesome person, a true survivor, and your story is an inspiration to us all.   I've been on the brink so many times, and I don't want you, me, or anyone else here near it again.  I am getting sick of losing people this year, and I don't know if I can take losing another one.  I need you here, and so do the rest of us.

Your mad ninja paramedic skills should be telling you that you need to be proactive about this and squash your demon like a bug NOW.  Don't be afraid to ask for professional help with this.  We all need it from time to time. 

Your transsister,
Jill

Hey, Jessica, if I could ride in on my white horse and slay that demon for you, I'd be there in a second. You are one fine person, with or without demons, and you are loved regardless.

What Jill said -- do what you need to do to take care of yourself; asking for help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Hugs.

Aww Jessica, all I can do is echo what others have said and send my love and respect for you and what you've needed to endure. Our first responders have got to be better cared for during and after service. I have a few (now retired) nursing colleagues that have had to leave due to trauma inflicted during their attempts to help and heal others. I never forget it could hit any of us at any time. Please do take the time to care for yourself and seek the help you need. You are so valued here as I'm sure you are in your everyday life offline as well.

Sorry you are going through all this Jessica, PTSD can be a very rough ride

I deal/cope with PTSD also, but other than my psychologist and therapist and such I tend to avoid talking about it

I usually sluff it off to stuff that is easier for me to talk about like the bicycle VS car thing or other accidents, but those are not the things that actually cause the insomnia, night sweats and terrors and such... Those things I tend to keep to myself most of the time and figure the world at wide public doesn't need to know about anyway

I wish you all the best with conquering your demons

Hugs

I can't really put anything forward that others haven't already said, so all I'll say is that you are needed here in this world, and I really hope you can find the strength within you to vanquish your demons. All my *hugs* to you on these dark nights <333

Awwwww Jessica,

I'm so sorry to hear this ... it sounds totally awful
<massive hugs>

Sam x

Sis,

You know mine was triggered a few weeks ago.

We also know that we need to reach out and you did here.

To break the cycle you need to do something for Jessica in all of what is going on now in your life. When the plate is full means there is no room left in the mind.

As you know I am only a message away, we will someday beat the Demons.

<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>

Isabell.

Hugs Jessica. We are our own demons. They are locked away for the most part deep in our Psyche. I have mine, and everyone has their own. We can beat them. PTSD is a real bitch. The anxiety, the fear, the feeling of helplessness, the flash backs and repeating it in your memories over and over and actually having faced your own mortality and so on. I think that you probably have two things going against you. One that you have seen a lot of bad things and two, those bad things you have seen has happened to you. I would try to get an appointment ASAP.

Jessica-

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I've never experienced PTSD so I don't know what it's like but it sounds horrible having to relive those moments.

You have beaten this back before, and you can beat it back again - you are stronger than whatever happened to you in the past - and it is in the past and it is behind you. It is not in your present, and it will not be in your future.

Are you seeing a professional that can help with this?

So, << hugs >> from the left coast my sister. All of us here are standing behind you; you are safe here.

~Eva

Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers( for those that can still pray ).

I personally wing to wish you well and a victorious battle as you are a strong person and can defeat whatever Deamons that bother you and we will be here to help in any way we can.

i've seen how that demon works. not the prettiest sight i ever saw.
but you have already dealt it a heavy blow by revealing it to your friends here.
demons cower in the light, so i hope you will continue to open up doors and windows so the sun can shine on it more.
but as you said, maybe not show all of it to the public. you'll find those friends with a strong enough light to help you defeat it.

i'd personally like to give it a good beating too, for daring to hurt a valued member of our community.

(and just saying, all members are valued equally much in here. at least the way i see it. i'd beat anyone else's demons too.)

I call it the dark side. Its akin to the deamons you describe. I have learnt to sense it comming into the outer sphere of my mind and I start my internal process to prevent a full on onslaught. It usually is triggered by many stressful senario affecting me at the same time. Most times it last for a couple of hours but once I let it linger then I am in the dark mode and all my logic and rationality is gone and I am totally engaged to keep my mind from going OTT. Over the years I have learnt how to manage this but it will never go away it lingers at the outer sphere of my mind.