Ok, so, there has been a media wave of young transgender people (aka transgender kids, as young as 3 now, coming out as transgender). Many of the preteen kids in the media are going on blockers, dressing as their chosen gender, mostly accepted by parents and schools, etc.

Every story I read gives me a little hope for our future, that trans people will be where minorities, LGB, etc. are now. However, it has come with a down side that has progressively gotten worse.

It's now begun hurting me, making me regret my past. I think about how stupid I was not to come out before my son was born, or before I got married, before I started dating, before I graduated high school. Granted, as my cousin told me, I would have been eaten alive in our high school, but I still wish I'd done something about it in college.

This feeling was so bad last night, I had trouble falling asleep before my pre-work nap (I sleep for 2 hours before I go to my third shift job).

Does anyone have coping mechanisms for this? It is really hurting me, especially since I am delaying my transition so my wife and I can have another child (also getting harder by the month). I am not suicidal over it, thank goodness, but it is saddening me that I could have been a young woman graduating college, had a job as a woman, and have been at a job by now that didn't even know I used to be male.....

ChelseaAnn,
I can certainly understand how you feel. I am in my 60's though and didn't realize I'm transgender until about a month ago. Really! The point is that since then I look around at young women and teenage girls - even younger - and want to cry because I can never experience what it is to be a girl that age.

My second marriage is now disintegrating and I need to talk with my adult son and daughters to tell them their father is a woman. But I love the three of them as well as my two granddaughters. I certainly regret my first marriage almost entirely - but am so blessed to have my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters (we'll see if they will stay with me or abandon me).

Any time we change the course of our lives there is a high probability we may wish we'd made that change sooner. But if we spend too much time in the past, we'll get in the way of moving forward. Regret is ONLY productive if it can change our behavior and attitude in the future.

If you are in therapy, talk with your therapist about this - and if you already have, maybe talk some more!

I'm hearing some inner conflict also in relation to your marriage and family life. I'm taking it that your wife knows about you and is supportive? And that together you've decided to have another child? But at the same time you're wishing to turn the clock backward and come out at some earlier point in life (with which I CERTAINLY identify!!). I'm new at this, but I sense most if not all of us who don't come out at a very early age hold many conflicting thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure there's a way to make them go away, but I'd suggest letting them co-exist. Sit with them. But balance them as well. Allow yourself to have regrets over the past but also think of some of the good things you have or have achieved that you might not have had otherwise.

No one I know has invented a time machine. We cannot change the past and so we need to work toward the future. Not easy and I don't have a magic wand for you.

Finally, do YOU want this second child or are you doing it simply for your wife? Is she completely supportive of you - at least as much as you're trying to be supportive of her? With two failed marriages (seems like the second one is going down the tubes...) I'm NOT the one to listen to, but maybe spend some time making sure your marriage is truly a balanced relationship. Compromise is a good thing when it's true compromise. And with that, try to look at the bigger picture and the positives that there will ultimately be.

Base change on your past, live in the present and build toward the future. Good luck in all you do!
Paula

I agree with Paula's comments.

The past has gone and you can do nothing about it. The fight we have had to make sure kids are treated properly is in its infancy (no pun intended) it is fraught with difficulty.

We have to deal with our situation, each an individual problem, each a nightmare.

You need to talk to a therapist as soon as you are able for your familys sake.

Quote from: ChelseaAnn on September 24, 2014, 08:07:09 AM

Does anyone have coping mechanisms for this?

Yes Chelsea, I have the same intense feelings of what might have been. Here's how I deal.

I like myself. I like the way I turned out as a person. I've lived my life the best I've known how and tried to be good and moral person. I like the person I've become, and to become that person, I needed to live the way I've lived.

The silver lining is the person that I've become.

This only works because I really do like myself and how I've turned out.

Hugs, Chelsea. I know how painful it is to see people who've lived the life you know you should have lived. I hope this elps.

I've known my mind was female since I was about 12, but back then there was no perceived acceptance of deviation from born gender from my perspective, so I repressed a lot of things.  I learned the technical term for what I am when I was 20.  15 more years passed before I decided to transition.  I definitely get jealous of cis woman, but I'm not sure if I can be jealous of a transgender person who transitions at a younger age because they all still have a long, uncertain road ahead of them.  I'm sure, just like us, they will need support. 

These are just my opinions, but I'm not sure how I feel about the age of 3.  Parents have the right to raise their kids as they see fit as long as it isn't against the law, but I wouldn't choose to influence them in one direction.  For my kids I try to suggest them towards their born gender, but really no enforcement.  I would never wish for this to happen to somebody if they can live happy lives as their born gender.  For me it is more like, I can't be happy as my born gender, I know I just keep having meltdowns and severe depression living as a male.  So far my kids seem to be cis.

Quote from: Deinewelt on September 24, 2014, 09:19:41 AM

These are just my opinions, but I'm not sure how I feel about the age of 3.  Parents have the right to raise their kids as they see fit as long as it isn't against the law, but I wouldn't choose to influence them in one direction.  For my kids I try to suggest them towards their born gender, but really no enforcement.  I would never wish for this to happen to somebody if they can live happy lives as their born gender.  For me it is more like, I can't be happy as my born gender, I know I just keep having meltdowns and severe depression living as a male.  So far my kids seem to be cis.

Deinewelt,
Just a quick comment and NOT to get us sidetracked. I agree that parents should not be influencing 3 year olds - 12 year olds - 21 year olds. What ALL parents can do is allow their children some room to be whoever they may be. They can and should provide a safe, loving environment in which their children can explore themselves safely - perhaps even without 'suggestion'. It seems the 'old' model of parenting was that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls. As for clothes, it was only as far back as my parents generation when young boys DID wear dresses... well, not important. My point is though that if a little boy wants to wear a dress and a little girl doesn't want to wear one, so what? I don't think that would persist if there's not something within the child that needs to come out.

...and now back to the issue that ChelseaAnn addressed.
Paula

i do what suzi does. my oldest brother (by blood) does the same.
i don't see it as a coping mechanism, i see it as living strongly and truly.

i am the person that i am because of my genes, my brain and body development in utero and natural development later, and all the life experience i have on top of and related to that.
everybody deserves to be loved, and going by this logic, i decided to love myself the way i love others, cut myself some slack, and stop wishing for a different past and hoping to become someone other than me.

in the end, all future happiness lies in the future, so dwelling on the past is rather futile and only obstructs future happiness.
doesn't mean you should try to bury your past. acknowledging and embracing all the little things that made you you, works better.

Chelsea, I have those thoughts. I usually have them when I am not happy with my progress and fear to go forward.

I have had a dream through ought  my life hundreds of times, the same dream. A dream of something that never happened but very real. It is a young child that will not give it to her parents and stays steadfast that she is a girl and takes action and sticks to it. I hid with good reason.

I am letting myself live a little more with each little achievement. Each victory is a triumph. I also know for me to be fully me I will need to make alternate living arrangements.

I know I certainly wish I could've transitioned back after I graduated high school before I went into university... I wouldn't have dove into a marriage so fast (as much as I still am happy I met her) we are divorced now and I feel like I wasted those 20 years of my life pretending to be something I wasn't.. 20 years I could've been the woman I wanted to be. But, it's the past... and that's what it has to be, the past. I have a long path ahead of me, cuz my journey is just beginning... so I just choose to focus on that instead.

I'm 27 and have some regrets about timing, but only by like 4 years. I would have never been as well prepared if I transitioned when I was 18 like I wanted to. The way I deal with it though? Well, I'm still young and I look even younger, so I'm just going to pretend I'm 22 and act like a spoiled brat as I do my best to mess with people's sexuality. 

I personally knew what I would lose in transition. It was a very high cost for me with a 16 year marriage and a daughter. We divorced and my daughter went with her mother and has no contact with me. How do I cope with this and the lost years? Quite simply by being the very best I can with the time I have left. I know how that sounds and it is so shallow sounding, but it works for me. Instead of thinking how much time I lost I think of how great and free my future will be as the genuine me. Sure I wish I could have had slumber parties, worn much different things, partied at 21 free and without fear and some day walked down an aisle in a beautiful dress, but that will never happen. What can happen is treating people a whole lot better, experiencing a new life which most people can never even comprehend and find new things every day. Look at the positives instead of the losses. The biggest thing you have to look forward to is being you with no shame, guilt or anything else holding you back. You can live as you and not an actor in a play called life. I can say that my gains have more than covered any losses I experienced. Don't look back, look ahead as there is so much to learn and experience. It is an adventure most will never have and it is within your reach. I am sorry if this does not help. 

The "what if" game never ends well, so I just refuse to play it.   If I had transitioned earlier, who knows how my life would have turned out.  Would it have been better?  Maybe, maybe not.  For all I know I'd be dead in a ditch or homeless. The good news about holding out as long as I did is that at least I can afford to transition now and that an amazing amount of progress has been made for transpeople in the last 20 years.

I can only move forward and savor every remaining moment I am blessed with. 

Try to think of what you gained, not what you lost. Our children will not have to suffer like we did because of what we did. We fought long battles and WON. We will continue for a lot of us to open doors, for others to not have to do what we did.

I am 47 years old and in two months i get srs. I will finally after 47 years of pain and battles, be able to call myself a woman and believe it. Be happy instead of suffering when i see a cis woman. So yeah I gained a lot.

I've known I was non-binary (or at least non-female) since I was old enough to have a sense of my own identity, probably about 4 years old. I was repeatedly told I was a girl, and spent most of the next 25 years trying to fit into the girl box. I'm effeminate enough that I fooled everyone but myself.

I don't regret any of the life I lived in that time. I had a lot of pain in my childhood, but I also made some great memories and learned a lot of valuable lessons. I also wouldn't have my daughter if I'd transitioned earlier, and she's the pride of my life. I don't think it's mere coincidence that I realized I'm transgender just after having her. She was supposed to happen, I was supposed to wait for her.

This is how I cope with it. Maybe you can find a few wonderful things in your own life that you would have missed if you'd transitioned earlier.

I also like Jill's advice.

Quote from: Jill F on September 24, 2014, 08:28:06 PM
The "what if" game never ends well, so I just refuse to play it.   If I had transitioned earlier, who knows how my life would have turned out.  Would it have been better?  Maybe, maybe not.  For all I know I'd be dead in a ditch or homeless. The good news about holding out as long as I did is that at least I can afford to transition now and that an amazing amount of progress has been made for transpeople in the last 20 years.

I can only move forward and savor every remaining moment I am blessed with.

I wanted SRS when I first heard about it when I was 8. Of course it didn't happen, no matter how much I cried and begged my mom to make it happen. I didn't realize at the time that she wasn't the one saying no exactly, I mean she was, but she couldn't have made it happen then....I still think it should have happened then, but it didn't and I don't entirely hate the boy persona I was forced to create...I perhaps wouldn't even mind being a boy if all boys were like the boy I portrayed. He was pretty happy, he just never had any desire or any idea of how to ever become a man. It's because of this I identify as bigender, that boy will always be a part of me, regardless of what I do with my body now, which is currently nothing, and it will probably stay that way.

Thank you all very much. Listening to your stories and advice has helped. I suppose while I still have feelings of regret and jealousy, I have not had to suffer as long as some of you. I guess I still have a little youth available in my wardrobe (I personally think my friends and I haven't changed our appearances much in the past 5 or 10 years).

Thanks so much again. Now if only I could fast forward a bit so I can start my transition...

I'm glad you are doing okay in grounding yourself. For me personally it helps a lot to keep in mind a zoomed-out historical perspective. I know that we are in a time of change, and that several generations of us have lived/are living in a world where acceptance and awareness is very close but not a given. My late transition and struggles with discrimination are part of the work that is being done to make it so eventually nobody has to hurt this much over an inborn trait.