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How old were you when you realised you were trans* ?

Started by Matthew, September 21, 2014, 12:21:39 PM

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How old were you when you realised you were trans* ?

Under 8
39 (33.3%)
Under 14
17 (14.5%)
Under 22
23 (19.7%)
Under 40
23 (19.7%)
40 or over
15 (12.8%)

Total Members Voted: 104

Jenna Marie

I was 32. I was happy as a boy and then a man... for a while. It came as a pretty abrupt epiphany that now I needed to transition, but I'm thrilled that I did!
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alliegh

When I was about 5 or 6 years old.I knew I was born the wrong gender having feelings I am really female.
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jamesdoran

I just felt "off" for a long time but i didn't realize I was trans until I was about 19





check out my transition blog: www.jdbrrw.tumblr.com

~ James
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Matthew

Realised I didn't answer my own question lol, why not?

Knew something was off for a while, cut off my hair and started presenting male around 8 / 9 but was bullied so hid that away until I was 12.
Realised when I was 14, pretty scary.

Didn't really understand gender until about 8 though, struggled quite a lot.
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Felix

I don't know how to answer with the given options. I tried to tell my parents that I was a boy when I was 5 or 6, and again when I was 7 or 8, and again when I was 9 or 10, and they always just beat me and said no. I knew god didn't like boys who liked boys, so I was terrified and ashamed about my attraction to boys, but I didn't know how to explain my fears to anyone. I thought my having a female body was a punishment from god for not wanting to marry a girl. When I was on the streets as a teenager I was able to live as a male and hang out with other gay males, but I couldn't have sex without being outed. When I got pregnant and wasn't able to get an abortion I had to let go of the idea of living as a male, and I still dressed like a man and kept short hair and worked hard labor most of the time, but for a number of years I couldn't talk to anyone about how I didn't feel like a woman. I thought everybody was like that, that all women felt like men and I just needed to try harder to accept my role.

I guess I knew I was trans when I was little, but I didn't have options or a language for it, and the older I got the easier it was to just bury the idea and try to adapt to reality. I didn't realize for sure as an adult until I found an ad for a transmasculine support group in the back of the free gay paper in Portland OR in 2008, when I was in my late twenties. Seeing that this was a real thing and I wasn't the only one in the universe dealing with it made it impossible to keep pretending to be a girl.
everybody's house is haunted
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SoroyaAR

I spent most of my life in denial trying to convince myself that what I was feeling wasn't right...
it wasn't until my 30's that I finally accepted myself as Transgender
                      Don't be afraid to be who you are.
Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself.
                  Be yourself. Imitation is suicide.
~ Sara
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amd

I was at least 20. No "I have always known" for me. I think at first I had really narrow ideas about what being transgender was or meant, so I didn't connect it to myself.
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✰Fairy~Wishes✰

I'm not sure totally when.

But when I was really little I daydreamed about being Marle from Chrono Trigger. And I always wished I were a girl.
I always thought it would be so neat to be a girl.

I always thought I was attracted to girls, and that's why I wanted to be a girl.
I was so scared. And I didn't know I could be transgender. But I realized I always wanted to be one, too.
Look up in the sky, it makes you feel so high!
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Mark3

I voted at under 22.
I feel really apprehensive talking about this, not sure why.?
Firstly, I never felt a need to transition genders or present my apearence other than male, most of my dysphoria was internal and just had to do with my feelings more than any outward conflicts.
I was a really lonely teen, there was no internet, nothing like there is today. No friends at all, I mean no one. I'd quit high school in my last year, it was just so terrifying I couldn't go anymore.. I thought about suicide a lot. I finally got a Doctor's help, and could look for a job, and found one. At work I built a strong bond with an older woman who worked in a different dept. And we talked a lot, and got along really well. She was gay, I'd heard rumors, but I couldn't have cared less, she was one of the kindest friends I've ever had. In the next 3-4 years I hung out exclusively with her and her lesbian group of friends, who accepted me as one of the girls. THATS when I starting wondering why I was different inside from the other "quote" Guys I'd known in school.? Oh gawd I loved those girls, they FINALLY treated me like the person I really was, and I never had to even ask.? Over the years I've had other women call me they're BFF jokingly, but it was exactly what I felt like inside.

I was married at 24, and my wife accepts me totally, well, I've actually never told her most of the things I've posted here with you, but she knows I have all female friends, always have, and she's not threatened by it at all.

Anyways, moving on. Like one of you described above feeling its like a bell that keeps ringing louder and louder, I just couldn't stop thinking about it, and recently I just had to figure this out, like I was going to pop inside if I didn't.?

I still thought I was CISmale, even when I joined here, but I couldn't fight it, when I got a big taste of who you all where, and what you were feeling, I knew this was it, after all of the years of wondering why, not understanding myself, it was my gender being different that had made me so different. Thats why I was so happy and giddy when I first joined, and I didn't want anyone bringing me down or be the least bit critical of me, it was like I knew why I'm like me now, and I'm not crazy, of have some sort of spycological problem, its like finally I got permission to be myself without guilt, and it feels so good.

I don't think I'm going to change much on the outside in the forseable future, but I'm perfectly fine with that. My true transition and acceptance of myself is inside, where my conflict always was, and now is no more..

Soooo, that's that as they say.
Bless everyone here for helping me find myself, I literally could not have done it without you.

And I'm still growing, evolving, discovering and experiencing, so the book on me is far from closed..
"The soul is beyond male and female as it is beyond life and death."
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Monica Jean

My vote is after 40.

While I knew I was different at the age of 4 or 5, with the usual story of wearing mom's clothes at that age and for a couple decades after, I always saw myself as someone who struggled with being a cross dresser.   My curiosity was always piqued when a trans story was on the news or in a periodical.  I made sure no one was around while I absorbed it many times over.  Ahhh, I wished to be them.  But, I didn't understand the world of difference between being CD or being TS.  I was clueless.

I prayed and prayed and prayed, finally one day in my mid 20's, the urge to CD was gone and my definition of myself by wearing women's clothes was gone.  Hooray!  One of the few who have answered prayers in this arena.  I am lucky.  I am blessed!

BUT....

The Gender Dysphoria never went away even though the urge to cross dress disappeared.  GD went underground as I buried it in church, marriage, busy-ness, winning awards at church for 'best servant', fitting-in, sports, etc.  Only to grow more uncomfortable with who I was on the inside month by month.  Finally, around 40yo, I started digging deeper on the 'net, found a CD site for discussion and yet found myself not relating to CD's but wanting to fully relate with transgender/TS...it's like the light went off above my head illuminating what I have been burying (through fear, anxiety, deep depression) for all these years "THAT'S ME! THOSE ARE "MY" PEOPLE!" 

I continued to struggle with other issues in life, this being the biggest.  Yet, only this couple months did I finally get to the point where I admitted, out loud, "I am transgender.  The reason why I have so much anxiety is because I'm transgender..."  and continued to admit the obvious things I've been hiding for 4 decades, out loud, in the mirror, to myself. 

Very freeing. 

Very scary. Remember, I'm married with kids.

Yet, I feel naive for being in my 40's by NOT admitting all this stuff earlier.   I see people in their 20s, I could wish for going back that far and doing it all over again, but I now have awesome kids.  So going back means negating their chance at life.  Something I would never do.  Even with my naivety, The 40's it is! 

40's is the new 30's so really I'm transitioning in my 30's, right? :)
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Pikachu

I have no idea which answer I should choose. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel there was something very off about me, but I didn't consciously wish I had been born female until sometime around puberty. Even then, there was nothing more than "I wish I had been." I had no idea that I could actually be a girl. I didn't admit and embrace how I felt until... 25ish, I guess. I'm sure it would have happened way, way sooner if I hadn't been completely in the dark about the concept of transgender until then.
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pianoforte

I hated my assigned gender my whole life. But due to a lack of exposure, I wasn't able to identify as trans until later, about age 24 or 25.

In the media, I had seen some portrayals of trans women, but only one of a trans man, on a Discovery Channel-type special. This guy had such severe dysphoria that he had turned to self-harm and completely torn up his chest. I was about ten at the time and I thought, wow, if that's what it is, I guess I am not that. I couldn't imagine intentional self-harm at that age.

My next exposure to a trans man was when I watched Boys Don't Cry with my grandmother, who is an awful person and was making comments the entire time. I didn't identify with Brandon because he liked girls. So again, I thought, that must not be me.

My next exposure to a trans man was in person, at my school. We ended up working in the same office, primarily because I had been so excited to meet him that I went home and wrote my first ever cover letter to the place where he worked. It became REAL, and I spent the next year really coming into myself. I have also entered into much more satisfying friendships than I have ever had in the past, and finally felt at home and safe for the first time in my life.

Realizing trans identity and transition are actually possible was a huge catalyst for me, and I've been exploring and claiming my identity since then.

Also, I learned that gender is a social construct when I was 17, in a social psychology class in high school. Heard about ze pronouns when I was about 19. But I was in a heteronormative relationship by then, so my nonbinary identity has been suppressed as well.

Hopefully I can reconcile both my non-binary and male identities in the future. I'm still working on that.

So, while I always knew something, was always drawn to trans issues even if I couldn't name exactly why, and finally named the identity within myself over the last year... I don't think I've fully realized myself yet. It is a long process.
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Illuminess

I know that from a very young age I always had thoughts that I knew other boys probably didn't. Nothing was ever obvious to me, so I never once actually thought I was a girl, but I didn't identify as a boy, either. There were times that I'd go into the bathroom and put my mom's clothes and makeup on, but I never questioned my gender. I was just being a kid, my brain doing what it would have done if I had a girl's body. As I got older I found it really difficult to refer to myself in writing as a "he", so I'd find clever ways to avoid it. When I had to dress up in a suit for some reason like a funeral or a wedding, someone would always tell me how handsome or sharp I looked. Instead of feeling good about it I would cringe with half a smile.

In my high school years my interest in the goth scene was like an outlet for me to get away with wearing makeup and nail polish. I didn't even really care about the whole subculture, although I did love the fashion. I've always loved wearing black. And I think my fascination with androgyny around that time was probably another way of the Inner Me yearning to be freed. It took 30 years for all the puzzle pieces to finally come together as a whole so that I could see, with clarity, what I've been struggling with.

Whether or not I ever feel like dressing more feminine (like dresses, leggings, etc) is irrelevant right now. All that matters at the moment is getting my HRT. I have an appointment today to get paperwork done at this clinic in Montrose, then set up a day for the blood work. My mother was supposed to take me but she flaked on me. I'm so done trying to rely on her. In the past few years she's just gone downhill. So, I have to drive my car (that needs repairs and an inspection) across town. If I get a ticket I'm making her pay for it. ughh..
△ ☾ Rıνεя Aяıп Lαυяıε ☽ △

"Despair holds a sweetness that only an artist's tongue can taste."Illuminess
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VeronicaLynn

I was 8, but that was when I first heard of SRS, and the possibility of the concept of being trans*. I wished I were a girl from the point in time I discovered that all boys turned into men, and all girls turned into women...I'm perhaps a little weird in that, as a kid, I thought there were four genders: men, women, boys, and girls and for a long time, didn't really believe that people grew up for whatever reason. I was absolutely horrified when I found out that I was going to become a man...though I didn't really want to become a woman either...I always wished I were a girl though...at some level, to me, girl>boy>woman>man and that is perhaps why I am genderfluid/bigender...although I wished I were a girl, I was OK with being a boy and identified as one, just not that with the idea I'd become a man someday...
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thelittlemermaid

The feelings have been with me for as long as I can remember (I'm 22, fyi).

I don't think I've ever felt ashamed of myself or others for it. I was afraid for a very long time of being discriminated against due to overall lack of confidence in myself. I was put in therapy at age 3 and have a distinct memory of reading the words "gender identity" in my pediatrician's medical file when I was about 10. My parents banned dolls and more stereotypically "feminine" children's symbols (ie. Disney princess movies) at the recommendation of school faculty who were afraid I would get bullied later on in life (which I did). I think it was also the root of a lot of verbal abuse that came from my father during my teen years (who I am now estranged from).

My realization wasn't specifically about suddenly identifying as transgender; it was a moment where I understood transition was the right direction for my life and there would be nothing in my way to live as true to myself as possible.
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Tessa James

Before grade school I was treated like a girl by my older sister and was told i liked it and was warned by my older brother that if i keep doing that I would become a girl.  Dang i wish he had been right.  Somewhere inside of me I just knew that i was going to grow up and be a mom and have babies.  And then puberty hit and my feminine shadow life began.  I have been bisexual all my life and part of the gay world since i was an adult.  I considered myself a fairy and androgynous with long hair and other ways of being girly.  I met some transgender people that reinforced my internalized transphobia while the binary and passing perspectives reinforced my fear that I couldn't transition successfully.  I tried and failed and denied myself for another 20 years.  We can be all kinds of busy but being trans with dysphoria doesn't go away as we all seem to now know.  It is almost embarrassing to say but i did not accept myself as transgender until I was 60 years old.  From this ancient perspective I advise anyone with persistent gender issues to work through it.   Discovering our true self can take a lifetime.
Open, out and evolving queer trans person forever with HRT support since March 13, 2013
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Missy~rmdlm

Under 22, that I -knew- I was TS, I suspected it much earlier(I was CDing around six), but didn't -know-.
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Kiwi

I was 4 years old when I realized, of course I didn't know the word "transgender". I just knew I was not a female and I kept telling my parents I was a boy. I presented myself in kindergarten as a boy with the same male name I use now. I wear boyish clothes since then. I never felt I was a girl.
What does my gender identity has to do with my pizza order?
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Wendywishes

Well, like a lot of other people have mentioned, I knew something was "off" when I was 4 or 5, but I didn't understand exactly what it was.  The epiphany didn't happen until I was 9 or 10 that I wanted to be a girl.  It was a couple of years after that before I began to actually learn about transsexualism and understand how it applied to me.

So, I guess my answer lies somewhere between 4 and 12...  :laugh:   
I'll do what I can to show her the way,
And maybe one day I will free her,
Though I know no one can see her...
- Cat Stevens
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captains

I had trans friends in high school, but it wasn't until much later, when I was in college, that I began to question my own gender identity. I mean, in retrospect, you could say there were signs as a kid, but all so backedited I can't even remember what I actually used to feel. I definitely wasn't someone who knew from four, or even from puberty, tho.

But yeah, as a freshman in college, my cis female friend mentioned that she'd always wanted to have a penis, and I was like ?!?!? Oh my god??? Me too!!!! For her it was sort of a sexual thing, a fantasy that didn't particularly linger, but man, I was not able to shake the thought. I bought my first packer that year, ostensibly for "drag performance." I got, uh, way too into the thought of drag. Like, I'd spend hours and hours alone in my room, listening to "Andrew In Drag," packing, binding, and staring at myself in the mirror.

BUT I STILL ASSUMED I WAS CIS. GOD FRIGGIN HELP ME. It wasn't until year later, when I was talking to a friend of mine, who is nb trans, that I sorta... came out to myself. They were chatting with me on skype, and I had accidentally misgendered them. They gently corrected me, "actually, I'm not a girl..." And I just blurted out

"Neither am I!" I was 20.
- cameron
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