Just can't handle it at all; it's infuriating. It's exhausting. I need a tangible means to better cope with this myself because I'm not coping that well at all. I quite literally want to abuse the absolute ->-bleeped-<- out anyone who might laugh or refer to me with the 't' word. In fact I have on a number of occasions. The comments people make from time to time absolutely enrage me. I rage after the fact. My voice is hoarse today because of it. I'm tired of being so angry.

I'm so on edge that if I get looked at I immediately tend to assume 'they know'. With that said I can kind of handle that; what they think is what they think. What I can't handle are their actions. There's a reality here that these kind of things will always happen one way or another, but I need to be able to shrug it off and I just can't seem to do that.

I want to not care in the least what people think and say. I DO care though, I shouldn't but I do. These people know utterly, absolutely nothing about being trans but I still perceive it as such a spit in my face. It's so illogical, it's like listening to a three year old talk about geopolitics and taking them seriously.

I struggled for 20 years to deal with all this, going through major depression, idealising suicide more times than I can count and burying myself deep before I realised I had no choice but to transition...all for too many elements of society to perceive my very existence and struggle and one big giant joke.

If through their words and actions they aim to cause me more hurt and more harm then they're achieving their goals with me.

Your words touched me so much, I'm so sorry for how you've been mistreated and disrespected lately.. Society can be so cruel, with such ignorance and carelessness with they're words..

They just don't know that what they say can be so hurtful and cause such pain.

We're all so here for you, to support you and try to make you feel better.
Please don't forget that for each one of them that makes you frustrated, hurt and mad, there's 10 of us who are on your side, and will try and make you smile and feel better.!!

Take special care.
Hugs

I appreciate your post and show of support but if you don't contribute to the problem then it is not your place to apologise.

I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.

Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I appreciate your post and show of support but if you don't contribute to the problem then it is not your place to apologise.

I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.

Just a warning that this was very uncalled for. More comments like this will result in the topic being locked/deleted 

I know you are suffering and things are bad, but Mark was making an effort to help. We have all been where you are now and do understand the pain involved in transition much too well. The anger though will not help and only make things worse. Relax, take a deep breath and slow down a little. When you respond to others comments with anger and frustration, they win. When you are miserable because of ignorance, they win. It is hard to endure some of the things we have to and sometimes even I do not respond as I should, but I have learned when to pick my battles and when not to. You will have to do the same. The first thing to learn is we are not your enemy and are here for you. We do not know all the specifics of what you endure all day so many different responses will appear. Read them all and find responses you can relate to without judging anyone's reply. It is OK to disagree or even not consider the response, but have some respect for those who took the time to reply.

Now, what specifically would you like suggestions on?  If I remember right you reported your "E" level at over or close to 1,000. I do not think that is a safe level at all and could be contributing to your rage. When was the last time it was checked and how high is it currently?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:00:16 AM
Just a warning that this was very uncalled for. More comments like this will result in the topic being locked/deleted 

I know you are suffering and things are bad, but Mark was making an effort to help.

I know that. There was nothing uncalled for about what I said. All I said was I appreciate his support but that is not his place to apologise on behalf of all cis-people as he hasn't contributed to the problem. What's wrong with that? I wasn't having a dig at him by any means.

Yeah I admit that I'm pissed off and not happy. What did I get yesterday when walking by someone 'You're a dude'...yeah ok. Today what do I get just walking down the street 'It's a ->-bleeped-<-', yeah, love it. I go to the supermarket just now, what do I get by a staff member, snickering and laughter so I snapped and cursed them out.

I'm sorry, I'm over this crap. I'm two years into my transition and I'm still dealing with this garbage. It's all well and good to say 'pick your battles' but clearly I ain't any good at that. It all upsets me and no I don't respond to everything but eventually I will snap, even if it's a relatively minor thing like laughter.

QuoteIf I remember right you reported your "E" level at over or close to 1,000. I do not think that is a safe level at all and could be contributing to your rage. When was the last time it was checked and how high is it currently?

Checked about a month back, it's around 1,000. I don't see why it's not a safe level, my endo seems to think it's safe.

Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 12:15:01 AM
Checked about a month back, it's around 1,000. I don't see why it's not a safe level, my endo seems to think it's safe.

Kaye normal estradiol values in natal women are only around 45pg/ml. The only time it rises higher is during ovulation and then it spikes around 400pg/ml and quickly drops to around 250pg/ml. Too high a level will halt progress and not feminize at all. Has your Endo done HRT for long or is the Endo new to trans issue's? There have been a couple of girls here get too high an Estradiol level and they describe a lot of the symptoms you talk about.

Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.

I guess I should have been more specific. This is what was uncalled for.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:20:32 AM
Kaye normal estradiol values in natal women are only around 45pg/ml. The only time it rises higher is during ovulation and then it spikes around 400pg/ml and quickly drops to around 250pg/ml. Too high a level will halt progress and not feminize at all. Has your Endo done HRT for long or is the Endo new to trans issue's? There have been a couple of girls here get too high an Estradiol level and they describe a lot of the symptoms you talk about.

It's something I'll clarify next time I see him but I think there's a chance we're using different measurements. I know mine is higher than a natal females but it isn't 20 times higher. I know it is a 1,000 but I don't know a 1,000 what.

No the trouble is me, not the hormones. I just can't cope with ignorance. Even before I started transition I was like this.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:20:32 AM
I guess I should have been more specific. This is what was uncalled for.

Maybe it was. But so were they for laughing at me. Denigrating my whole life and every struggle I've had into one big joke. I think that is far more uncalled for than a frustrated cuss word in response.

Simply hit the report to moderator button on the lower right to report abuse. It is my job to correct it, not yours. 

I did check your post history and saw no signs of abuse by other members here. Could you direct me to the post it occurred in?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:32:21 AM
Simply hit the report to moderator button on the lower right to report abuse. It is my job to correct it, not yours. 

I'm sorry I don't understand. This happened in public, not on the forum.

Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.

When you read it a person could conclude it happened here due to the thread reference. I am so glad it was NOT one of our members here.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:36:10 AM
When you read it a person could conclude it happened here due to the topic reference.

I would hope not. My concerns are with trans ignorance in public.

Now, with the confusion gone lets get onto trying to help you! 

Unfortunately the public are woefully uneducated for one. The other is for some reason it is popular to make fun of everyone as YouTube shows time and time. A lot of us are fortunate we live in slightly better environment's, but no one is safe from harassment at all. In my generation even being gay was an arrest able offense so things have improved, but still have a long way to go sadly. Do you have access to any real life support groups at all?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:38:24 AMDo you have access to any real life support groups at all?

I do from time to time; like once a month if I'm lucky. Do counselling too. It's all sporadic though.

Do you feel different when you are around the others? Does it help or hurt you? Is the sporadic timing work related or some other issue causing you to miss meetings? After the meeting do the members of your group go out to eat or something and if they do are you with them then? 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:50:54 AM
Do you feel different when you are around the others? Does it help or hurt you? Is the sporadic timing work related or some other issue causing you to miss meetings? After the meeting do the members of your group go out to eat or something and if they do are you with them then? 

No really. I'm going overseas very soon so I'm constrained right now but I'm going to be making an effort to associate with other trans people in more social settings when I get back. To be honest I get on well with people for the most part. If I am treated with respect I will reciprocate. Yet if I'm disrespected I have no qualms about giving it right back.

Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 12:55:40 AM
I'm going overseas very soon

Is it going to be a trans friendly country or will things get worse for you?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:57:16 AM
Is it going to be a trans friendly country or will things get worse for you?

It's Thailand. It's not going to be worse really, but there's still some ignorance there.

If it makes you feel better quite a few of our members went there for SRS and have nothing, but good to say about the experience there.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 01:11:36 AM
If it makes you feel better quite a few of our members went there for SRS and have nothing, but good to say about the experience there.

I've been there twice before. I'm going there for brow bone surgery and breast implants for all the good it's going to do me.