Hello... I'd like to repost my introduction, because it has been over two years since I've been here and I'd like to get reacquainted with everyone.
What follows is my original intro..
"I guess, it's time for my intro.
You all can call me Ash or Asha.
I have spent most of my life feeling like there was something different inside of me, like I wasn't who I was supposed to be, wasn't leading the life I was meant to; I always just had this empty 'void' feeling inside... almost like there were pieces of my life's puzzle missing. When I was young, I felt like a girl inside.. would make friends with the other girls (still find it very easy to make female friends to this day) and wanted to do the things they did. However, I grew up with two brothers and a family of mostly males save my mother and grandmother. Most of the kids in my area I lived in were boys too... and I was the type to always try and fit in. So I would act like the boys, act tough and so forth... but always wanting to do other things. I remember this one time when I saw a picture of myself in a dress and asked my mom about it... she laughed and said that that was her when she was young. I was shocked, couldn't believe that we had almost looked identical. I guess from that point, I had developed a curiosity in women's clothes and tried my mother's things on when no one was around... granted they were too big. lol
I kept telling myself inside that I felt like a girl... but the people around me, my parents, society... I don't know where I got the idea... but I was always getting exposed to the notion that boys who felt like girls... were just gay guys who wanted to legitimize their sexuality, or cross dressers / drag queens. I like girls personally and even went so far as to try and be with boys; I experimented... but, nope, it didn't feel right. I knew I liked girls.. so in my confusion I would always talk myself out of believing that I could be a girl inside. This went on for most of my younger life... yet I would always dream of a different life, one in which I was female... and I would always long to do other things that may have appeared feminine to some... I forced myself to act different and be 'normal'. I guess after so many years it just got easy... but my mind was always tortured. I started to believe the emptiness inside could be filled in other ways... hobbies, jobs, school, sex, spirituality.. so forth. Eventually, I met a girl... and we fell hard in love and I got married (also thinking that maybe being married and having a family.. a 'normal life' would be the key).
For 7 years our love kept me distracted... the emptiness was still there, the dreams persisted, but I was happy and didn't care. As time went on... our marriage started to fall apart... not because of my gender issue, rather unrelated things between us. However, I always felt uncomfortable with who I was and life was awkward for me (in a male body). When things started falling apart, I stopped pretending and started to just be myself, I got sick of being different, being something I wasn't... even though I had kind of forgotten what it was exactly. I couldn't associate my dreams and my feminine ways with the emptiness or the fact that I was a woman inside. When my wife and I drifted apart, we both retreated into online gaming because, we didn't want to spend time with one another. It wasn't until 3 yrs ago when I started playing one game in particular, a social game where I made my avatar female. (I always had female characters in any game I played, without really paying attention to why that was.) This social game was like living another life for me... and it felt good, felt comfortable to me. I guess it wasn't until people were getting on me to voice chat with them, that I started to look into voice alteration software and found a particular Transgender online who was showing people how to feminize their voice. I discovered that she was a male to female, and liked women. It was like a wake up call slap in the face... everything I had trained my brain to believe was wrong? I began researching, watching tons of videos and basically learned what I could... found out there were females who wanted to be males, both gay and straight or even people who felt like neither or both... it was a real eye opener for me. This game had popped the pieces of the puzzle into place... but it was a game, only an illusion. Reality was where I needed to be now.
From that moment on, I began reexamining my life... and finally accepted the fact that I was female on the inside and I was done being Mr Pretend Male... well that didn't go over well at home. I constantly got told to stop acting like I was, stop standing a certain way, stop gesturing this way or that... basically I was constantly being told I looked gay... which didn't bother me... other than it was annoying and I wished I could just be left alone to be myself. This didn't help my marriage and pretty much ended up being the nail in the coffin. So, now, here I am... separated and living alone, free to explore the female inside and faced with a very daunting path before me. I know I feel uncomfortable with who I am, and the body I inhabit... transition is the path I'm destined for I think, if I truly wish to find happiness. I stand upon the threshold of a new life... scared, confused and wondering sometimes if I'm too old to be doing this now...
I am Ashazti and I am a woman.
"
I guess what I'd like to add is that I got distracted these last few years, falling in love (amazing how that always complicates things or makes it easy lol), and with the help of a support group in the city nearby (I had been going in once a month to meet).. I don't know, I was able to accept myself in a grey area... a woman in a male body and tried to embrace the two sides in an effort to cooperate together. It worked for awhile, but life, my divorce and other personal issues left me trying to do things that made me happy without focusing on the reality of my situation. Plus, as like with my wife, and some girlfriends who followed... the women in my life always tried to change me; tried to get me to fall in line with the male side or what they perceived a guy should be like. That isn't me... I'm a woman, stuck in a guy's body... not going to change myself for anyone.
Anyways.. I'm back.. and am searching online and in the world around me for support, therapy... and direction, I guess.. for the journey ahead.
Drop me a line, say 'hi'!
Ashazti
