Hello, everyone:

Over the past few months, I've just had these reoccurring thoughts and feelings I can't shake about past friendships: probably about 5 of them to be specific.

These are people I had know for years since I was a teenager, and who got as close as anyone ever has to me, and tried to stand by me through all of my crap, and moods, and depression and so on, until I eventually succeeded in, at different times, finally pushing them all away.

You see, I've just recent started to come out and start my transition over the past year or so. Before that, I was so self hating of the transsexual part of me, and so self-destructive, that the only way I found to be able to keep living through that, was just to entirely shut off anything that wasn't just purely rational or superficial. That combined with some pretty severe depression sort of created these cycles where I'd try to have a relationship for a month or two, and then I'd get depressed, or they would touch on something that I felt was too personal, and I'd disappear for months... And over and over again...

I guess, probably mostly because I had entirely shut off the emotional side of myself, that I, although obviously understanding it wasn't a typical dynamic, didn't really see all the damage I was doing and hurt I was causing these people who were strong enough to try to stand by me through my severe depressive periods.

The thing is, now that I've finally started to accept myself, and started to re-embrace my emotional self... I realize it now, and it just tears away at me.

I've tried for months to reconcile this unsuccessfully within myself, and while I totally know that all of these people have moved on with their lives, and the chance for me to be a part of them is probably long since past, I can't shake the desire to let them know that I finally realize what I did and how sorry I am.

That said, the last thing I want to do this cause them more pain by dredging up the past that they've long since moved on from, just to try to unburden my conscience, so I'm torn.

Now, I know that's not really a question, but I'm guessing that's there's more than a few of you out there who are now on the other side of this sort of struggle and any insight that you all might be able to spare would be hugely appreciated. 

Thanks,
Giselle Marie

same thing happened to me , but after those friends wanted  to reconnect I didn't want to relive the past so I just moved on. But , this is just me and not any kind of advice because everyone's situation is different.

I'd say that if you wanna try to reconnect with these people then you should do it. You can't be sure of what they are thinking and if they even wanna get back together unless you ask. I would say do it, if for no other reason than for your own peace of mind, put it out there and see what happens. I think thats better than wondering what if for the rest of your life. If nothing happens and you get no response/reply, then you know, and you did what you could to reconnect. I hate wonder what ifs so I would try.

Hi I think I may have experienced something very similar to you Giselle, it was only with one very special person in particular though.
I carried the guilt of my horrible words and actions over many years as I had begun to understand the magnitude of what I had said and done to this person, who had just cared so much about me... It was a terrible burden but the heartbreak and forced introspection actually saved me from potentially being a very horrible self centred person I'm sure... I will be forever thankful for even this.
Well as the years rolled by I felt that I would really love to apologise to this person, and explain that all of the pain that we had gone through together was actually not totally in vane; and that I was also extremely proud of her and what she had made of her life in the years since (she really is amazing).
But also like you I was torn as I did not want to disrupt a happy family life and potentially cause any more hurt or damage, so like you I was really quite conflicted... Well we did end up getting in contact, I can't remember exactly how but it involved facebook (this is after almost 10 years of being completely out of contact- we were crazy teenagers when the bad stuff happened..). We exchanged quite a few long messages where I asked for forgiveness and told her of the amazing personal journey that our experiences together had led me on etc. It actually went amazingly well, she really appreciated hearing it all, and it helped us both finally heal all of the old wounds, I know it left me feeling amazingly lightened, and she felt similarly apparently. It all culminated in us getting together for a family bbq just over a year later, with her children, my brothers and mother (she had become a part of our family in that time). It was amazing, I did all the cooking etc but we had plenty of time to catch up in person, it was AMAZING. I'm sure it won't be the last time it happens either hopefully!

I'm not sure if I described what happened very well, but I'd better mention that I made sure I approached the whole thing with absolute humility and no expectations of anything, it just sort of went organically as contact recommenced...

So I would consider trying to make amends Giselle it really depends on the people, the situation and how you approach it, but in can work out and be totally wonderful, goodluck


ps, to everyone else, please don't judge me for anything I've written above, it is such a personal thing... I was a stupid teenager who disregarded and threw away the love of someone so special. I will forever regret it, but I am no longer that person. All I now wish for is happiness for all around me and maybe just a little for myself too eventually

Thank you everyone for your input, and thank you so much, Lemon_Ice for your story.
It really struck a lot of chords with me, and for sure, like you, I'd hope that no one judges me to strongly for those actions in the past. I was young and silly, and just trying to do what I thought I needed to survive.

My life now is much the same as you described, it's about looking for and finding the good in everyone, and trying to bring as much positivity to the world as I can.

I think I will try... And I think I had decided that, I just needed a bit of a push, but you're absolutely right, Livingthedream, if transitioning has taught me nothing else yet, it's that the only thing that is truly worth being afraid of in life is having those 'what ifs'.

I'll let you all know how it goes if you're interested.

Thanks again,
Giselle Marie

Put me in the same boat too.
I lost a few very good friends about 6-7 years ago, not just from confusion about gender issues, but also alcohol abuse. I said some pretty awful things to friends I really loved, and finally it got too much, and we all broke off contact on very bad terms.

I've also never forgot them, and in past months made recontact.. One friend totally forgave me, actually didn't even want me to say sorry, and in 2 emails were as close again as every.. But another friend, one I went through so many years of sharing everything daily, will have nothing to do with me, even blocked me from sites just for saying hello.? So some take it well, and some don't.

Any advice would be to keep the new greeting light and positive, don't go right back and drag out past negativity, few want to go back there with you again, but most would enjoy hearing that you're doing great now, and have positive things happening in your life you'd like to share.
There's plenty of time for sorrys and apologies after you build an initial relationship again.

Just some thoughts that worked for me fairly well..
Best of luck.