So here I am, my first post, I am attempting to take my first step.

Where do I start? That's a question I often ask myself.

I'll start with the title of my post....help? I need help. What do I do? Where do I go? When should I start? How do I start? Who am I?

The feelings I've had for as long as I could remember have been confusing, troubling, and frustrating.

I am 18 years old, almost 19, and I finally have accepted myself, I know I want to move forward with who I am. After much research and a lot of dreadful long nights where I couldn't sleep, I have finally confirmed who I WANT to be.

All of my life I have lived as a (created) character for everyone to see me as. I am a guy, a normal guy, who does normal guy things. I date women, play video games and love a good action movie. Who woulda thought, right? Well now I'm tired, hell I'm exhausted. I am sick of living to everyone's expectations and failing at my own.

And then.... here lies my problem.

I never acted out my femininity in public. So no one knows. No one expects anything like this from me. My parents, grandparents, girlfriend, friends, co workers, cousins, everyone you name it, refer to be as a guy, a man, EMPHASIS on MAN. I keep hearing about the MAN I will become and how its important I do xyz to be the BEST MAN I can be.

How do I tell them?

How do I look my FATHER in the eyes and tell him;
"Dad, I am not a boy, though I may look like one, act like one and talk like one, I am indeed not. I am a girl, I always have been. And now I'm ready to physically obtain that."

That is truly what is holding me back, I'm so ready that I am ready to lose friends, start a new job or whatever. I just don't know how to break my dad's heart. Ruin my parents dreams of ever having grandchildren (I'm also an only child). I feel selfish. I am commonly told to "man-up", and I am really trying to, but it's really hard. I don't know where else to turn. I don't know what to do. I am just so sad.

Annae would you believe me if I told you we get this same question everyday? Well, we do so you are by no far means alone out there. What you have done tonight is take the first big step to try to discover who you are and how to go about it. I commend you for that!  Most of us here started with a Therapist trained in gender issue's. They are amazing and the right one can set you up for success and happiness. You have so many other questions so fire away and ask anything you need answers too. I will stay here until you feel better about the process, what to expect, how to come out, etc. Consider me your big sister or Mom, whichever fits better! 

Welcome Annee to Susan's family,

I echo Jessica.

We are all family here and will do our best to give you and everyone the support needed.

There is every stage of girls here that can help.

One step at a time is how it is done.

Your path is yours to walk and safe passage.

I was just about to get out of bed and just give up on sleep, and then I saw your reply and I haven't felt a burst of happiness like I just did in a real long while.

A week ago I looked into therapists in my area and worked up the courage to call, but once they answered and I hung up and chickened out unfortunately. I will make more of an effort to work that in, it's just so expensive ):

And I guess I would like to ask how you both came out?


Thank you girls so much for the quick replies. I've never felt so supported.

Me I was in therapy and hrt for 2 years before I came out to my family. Before that there was no need.

I only was out to my then spouse. Took that time to understand more and live part time to start working on what full time would be.

Wrote my Friends and family letter when I went full time and have not looked back.

Never cart before the horse is how I felt.

Quote from: Annae3221 on September 27, 2014, 12:58:12 AM
And I guess I would like to ask how you both came out?

I will get to this in a second, but first do you live near a College or Major University? I found my Therapist at Oklahoma State University in the Psychology Department. They only charge $10.00 a session and they have gender experience and can give letters for HRT and SRS. You do not have to be a student either so you might check out any close to you for the same deal. 

Now, coming out. OMG! I had it built up to be the biggest thing since King Kong. I am serious! I thought the Sun would go out, the Moon would fall out of the sky and zombies take over the planet.  It paralyzed me for the longest time, but you know what? The Sun still shines, the Moon is stable and the acceptance I found was literally overwhelming. How I did it was start a female Facebook page. I then went to my male page and in front of the whole world posted my feelings and plan to transition. Mind you I only had a handful of friends at the time 20 at the most, but when the word spread the very next day I had 143 friend request's! Some were people I had not seen in 30 years and all the replies were supportive and congratulated my courage. I did not receive 1 single negative reply. Before I came out on Facebook though I gathered my immediate family and just started talking about Gender Dysphoria and what it was doing to my health and life. They were shocked of course, but came to realize I was serious and committed to transition. Over time they saw an improvement in my health, happiness and zeal for life and knew I was doing the right thing. There have been some rough patches though. Your family will go through all the classic signs of grief so be prepared for their acceptance to waffle from time to time. Times are changing for the best. 

Annae, hugs and welcome to Susan's

I agree with other posters and I add it sounds like your parents love you very much. All things in due time; you will tell them when it is the right time.

First a good gender therapist is needed to help you sort out what you really need. Transition, if that is what you decide, takes time and you can use the time to learn who you are and love yourself like your parents love you.

I can understand the "not wanting to disappoint your parents" thing. I'm really close to my mom and she always thought I'd be a wonderful dad, and it hurt having to let her know that will likely never happen.

Still, you can't live your life for your parents. That's probably the hardest thing to come to terms with. You don't want to upset them or disappoint them, but at the same time you know that they wouldn't be happy to know that you're living your life unhappy.

My advice? Find a therapist and sort out all your feelings. Coming here is good, but it's not enough. Don't worry about talking to a therapist that is trained in transgender issues. It's difficult coming out because you feel no one will understand, but they've seen it already and will be your best bet to get started on whatever path you do end up taking. You don't have to go shouting it from the mountaintops how you feel, but it will feel much better once you're able to openly express yourself to a therapist.

Quote from: Annae3221 on September 27, 2014, 12:35:38 AM
How do I look my FATHER in the eyes and tell him;

Dad, I don't know how much you know about transgender people, but I'll give you a short explanation. Everyone has a gender that their brain wants them to be. For some reason, some people are wired to be a different gender from their body sex at birth. I'm one of those people.

Being transgender doesn't go away on its own and no one has found a way to fix it. Anxiety, depression, and even suicide are common among people who ignore it. Fortunately, there is a treatment - to transition and live as a member of my identified gender.

I'm hoping you'll take the time to be educated about what it means to be transgender. That would mean a lot to me.

I worry about being a disappointment to my dad and he's been dead for 8 years now, my mom also, though she passed like 35 years ago. When I am in a "WTF am I doing? funk I can cry over it. Shame & Guilt are the usual suspects. When they aren't appropriate I always have Fear to fall back on.

I spent 50 years living what I thought was a nightmare. In some ways it was. But at the time between Shame, Guilt, and Fear I opted for numb as a means of survival. I got really good at building a Hollywood facade of a guy, one that over time began looking like a caricature while also having impenetrable fortress walls to my true feelings and an even more fortified wall between the male and female aspects of myself.

After an intense six years of taking on the trans-beast while dealing with all the other things life threw at me, and dealing with all the crap I throw on me, I still have no clear vision of my future. Life is about balance. It is about tradeoffs. Only you can decide what is best for you. You and you alone can only know what approach works for you.

Being TG is just that, a very broad umbrella term covering everything in that grey zone between cis male and cis female. We all find ways to manage it which again varies widely.  A gender therapist is an ideal place to start. For me the local (as in 90 miles away!) TG support group was a lifesaver. Contacting a major state college in my rural area was useless in terms of leads, much less having any sort of support. Two and a half hours for a far bigger college city.... perhaps. But there sure wasn't much, if anything, coming up any sort of a Google search.

Hay Annae!  Welcome to the Susan's!  And yay a new little sister! <3 *hugs* <3

Welcome to the family hun, and as the others have said - the feelings you've expressed are completely normal.  I'm sure there's some around here who haven't had these thoughts, but personally I'm yet to meet them lol

I'm very early in this process myself, largely because I'm still living under my parent's roof, so I can't just go suddenly dressing in girl clothes out of the blue without raising some eyebrows lol.  The past year since I came out to myself (the first and arguably most important step in the whole process ) I've been researching like crazy to try and gain a handle on this whole thing.  There's no doubt that it's a daunting journey that we face, but at least I can put a vague, blurry face to the beast now, which is more than I've been able to before lol

I've also been taking steps to try and feminise myself more in stealthy ways.  I've been loosing weight (something I wanted to do anyway), I've been getting rid of all my yucky body hair (never liked the stuff because it's just dirty, but "I'm a guy I'm *suppoooosed* to be hairy" ), and I've been playing with makeup (I'm not exactly a stranger to it anyway - I've always gravitated towards rock / alternative / goth / cyberpunk kinda styles anyway so friends and family are kinda used to me putting on eyeliner.  This is the first time I've played with things like foundation though, and mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick and blusher is a bit too "blatant" for the moment lol).  I also went to my hairdresser recently and specifically instructed her to "go girly" with it! (if you're curious, it's now jet black with purple streaks the purple isn't very bright though, so you can barely tell.  Hopefully we'll sort that out next time lol )

All the seemingly little things like this are making me feel really great, I can't even describe how amazing it is..  it's like, you've had the entire world crushing you your whole life, and now it's starting to get a little bit lighter.  It's just such a huge relief.  Not feeling like I *have* to "be a guy" or "like guy things" anymore is just so.. so.. *NORMAL*!

Obviously, I'm still straining at the reigns, and I'm both excited and terrified to get started on this journey properly.  My chance will come in about a month (hopefully) when I move out with my two best friends.  Until then - research, planning, and tasting any freedoms to feminise that I can.  I can't wait, but I'm hesitant.  Is this a horrible dream, or a beautiful nightmare?  I'll never be ready, but I was born to do this

As for coming out - yeh that bit has me scared too, for very similar reasons.  What if they can't accept this?  What if I'm a disappointment to them?  What if they object so strongly that they disown me?  I know I'm more than likely over-thinking and worrying about nothing, but it's still the toxic voice of doubt that is in every one of us.

I recently stumbled across this page which I plan to use on my friends and family when the time comes.  It explains things really well I feel, so it's something I think will help them come to terms with my transition a lot:
http://darahoffmanfox.com/gender-transition-how-you-can-help/

Travel well, little sister.  We will all be here for you when you need our hands to guide you <3 *hugs* <3

So where does it go from here? ..Who knows?
It's been some time since I came into consciousness.  And since then, I've found myself chasing a past that doesn't want to be found.
Only the dreams.  Echoes of a life I've never lived are what remind me.
All this time trying to answer these unknown questions. Analysing the life I know for any recollection of who I was, so that once I do find out - I'll be ready.

But it's coming to the point where yesterday doesn't matter anymore, and the only test that matters is the next one.  I was once told that you never find the path to your true self, but rather - you find your true self along the path.

Those who know me now have given me a name, and people are noticing me more because of what I can do.  I see through the past.  Think about who you are today, and prepare yourself for who you will become tomorrow.
I am Kira. We are transgendered.  And this is our journey.

First I would like to start off by saying that I am so thankful for all of your responses. Since the very night I joined to make my first post, I have felt nothing but accepted, understood and guided. These feelings have never been associated with my true feelings as a girl. I seriously cannot thank you all enough.

As far as therapy goes, I am absolutely going to make an effort there. It seems that all of you have started there and it has helped significant amounts. So as soon as I have the free time(and money) I will see about making an appointment.

And for the college therapy/support thing, I haven't found any near me that support what I'm looking for. So I will have to just save up that extra but of cash and go to the therapist near by, which isn't truly a big deal, since this is THE most important thing in my life.

Also, on a side note I have been reading the posts as they were posted and seriously trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Prior to joining I did have a name (first/middle) picked out and I really just cannot wait to be called by it. It feels like transition has become imminent in my mind, though I am expecting this to take time, whether it be days, weeks or months (notice I skipped years), I am sure, SO SURE, that this is what I want (I need). I have committed to growing out my hair, despite my friends/family's feelings towards that, and I also have decided to join a gym to lose a bit of weight and appear more feminine. I also have purchased perfume and have been wearing that (and feminine deodorant) for the last week or so now, and interestingly enough, NO ONE has said anything. Either way, it makes me very happy and I'm not about to change that.

Unfortunately I am still trying to maintain myself at work though as this is a tricky one. I do work at an incredible place where the staff and (most) employees are respectful and kind. However, until I am transitioning/at least out of the closet, I do keep some hair on my face and a masculine attitude. Another thing is, I have what my mom refers to as a "baby face", meaning I look super young lol, but keeping facial hair helps me look older. I'm also fairly small as well, as I am 5'4" and about 135lbs. Though I believe this will work in my favor in the long run, as for now it doesn't help being picked on by the guys.

Anyway, just an update for now, thanks again everyone!

Oh yeah another thing is I didn't realize when making a username that it was caps sensitive, you all can call me Anna, the E is supposed to be my middle initial.

Quote from: Annae3221 on September 28, 2014, 10:13:19 PM
I'm also fairly small as well, as I am 5'4" and about 135lbs.

... lucky... 

Sorry, I'm jealous. I'm not tall or short (5'9"ish) but I wish I was 5'4"

Hey Anna (you have my birth name, it'll probably fit you a lot better than it did me  ) I'm really with you in not wanting to disappoint your parents. I didn't want to bother them with anything, and at first the responce was very confused. Then really confused, with a bit of negativity (mostly out of confusion, which of coarse I took the wrong way and shut up about it for months), then now it's still confusion, but on a positive note. It's only been half a year since I came out to them. Now people outside of familly are another story- If you have some good friends, they'll except you, especially LGBT friends. I first came out to my sister (In a not really clear way, I found out later she was a bit confused) then to my friend, bringing it up in humorous fashion- Who said it totally made sense, no questions about it. Parents were a different story, my mom started questioning why I had been so down lately and I could hardly say anything. But it all came out, then to my dad, and though I freaked out the rest of the day, I didn't regret it in the morning. It's all steps, hard, painful (though not as much as you make it out to be) steps to something very worth while. Hopefully you could understand some of my ramblings  Good luck!