So I met this other transgirl on facebook back in april and we kinda bonded in a really short amount of time, we kinda clicked with each other on multiple levels (worldviews, culture, intellectual capacity ext ext) even though we lived in different countries. She is older than me and is post transition, she looks 5 years younger than me and has a gorgeous body and a flawless face both being 9.5/10 at least. We talked about everything from global politics to gaming, from beauty tips to the defense industry and I immensely enjoyed her company, we talked like at least 3-4 hours every day from waking up to bed time. She went through the same hardships that I am going through now so she was also a mentor figure for me and our stories somehow matched. I was really not motivated with my transition when we first met because I am fat, bulky and unpassable but she has motivated me on losing weight, taking better care of my appearance and start looking for FFS options because according to her I had the same potential as her and with some work I can achieve the same results. We even made future plans together, we were like lost sisters that finally found eachother.
Seems good so far, right?
Well the thing his she probably has BDD, she is never happy with her appearance and always seeks further surgeries. She has also failed to transition socially because she rarely leaves the house and manages all her relationships on facebook. She established long distance relationships with 4 different guys in 5 months none lasting more than a couple of weeks and all ending because of trans issues. She hates being trans and is very vocal about it. Her mental state degraded in these months and she finally snapped last month when she though that someone clocked her on public transport. I tried to support her with all my strength but my words always felled on deaf ears. My therapist told me to drop our friendship because she thinks that she has been nothing but bad influence on me. Abandoning her in her time of need was a HORRIBLE thing to do and I loved her so much as a friend that dropping our friendship seemed like the worst thing to do. Of course I never told her what my therapist was suggesting.
Well here is the breaking point that some of you wont like, I am human too and I am prone to making mistakes like everyone else. Last month dysphoria hitted me in a really large wave when I had to visit my university for a consultation with my thesis advisor where I had to act like a manly man. There was an ongoing orientation seminar in the building for freshman and I was extremely jealous of the girls while my college years were already wasted and I was standing there stuck in a suit with a tie around my neck. When at home I undressed and stared at myself in the mirror for sometime gazing at my bulky body and crying than I went for the pills and finished the whole box with a bottle of vodka while closing all my online accounts without a farewell -_- I awoke in the hospital 2 days later. My friend became concerned when she couldnt find my profile on facebooked and reached me via whatsapp a few days later and I told her the story. She was really concerned and emphatic on that talk. After that I left the hospital and days passed with no contact from her while I was expecting our talks to be my biggest support during this hard time.
I contacted her after many days have passed and asked her why she dropped me. She told me that her therapist controls her life now, she also told me that we were both influencing each other badly and that this has to stop as she doesnt want to be a bad influence for me and I would understand this if I think over this with a healthy mind. She said that she likes me as a person and a friend and this didnt mean that she is completely erasing me from her life, it is just that we wont talk anymore.
I am left heartbroken and alone during this most difficult period of my life, I barely have any strength to leave the bed and I still reach for my ipad every 10 minutes or so hoping for a message from her that will never arrive. I am left with our broken dreams and empty promises. Losing someone you love so much in this way is really hard and its ironic that I refused to drop her when my therapist told me to while she did it on a whim after her therapists suggestion without a notice while I was recovering from a suicide attempt.
