Hi all,

I am not sure what to expect or what I want from this post but I feel the need to come out of my shell amongst those who have been there.

I have recently accepted I am probably trans (MTF). I have had feelings of extreme femininity since I was at least 5 that I can remember. These desires have overcome every facet of my life the last two years (most likely much longer) and no matter how hard I try and resist my urges, desires and actions, I can't deny who I am any longer. Although I am totally uncertain of who that is now.

Every day, all day, I am overwhelmed by my desire to be a woman. I start my day by showering, shaving my legs and body, putting on mascara, and lipgloss/lipstick. I feel so happy, but then need to remove my makeup and go to work dressed as a man. Then I feel mentally crushed because I am jealous of all the girls who can leave the house dressed as they want. I love the routine of wearing makeup, painting nails, shaving, and putting on the clothes I feel I should be able to wear. I want nothing more than to pierce my ears, and express myself as Amelia.

My toenails have been painted almost everyday for about 5 years now, and although my wife hates it and says I am too girly, I can't stop doing it because it's the only aspect of my femininity I can continuously hide from others. Regardless of my wife claiming to hate it, she always tells me how nice they look, and even paints them for me on occasion and often picks my colours. We have what I call "girl talks" as I paint her toes and fingers and she does mine. She says lately my feminine being has grown too strong for her and I am totally the girl in the relationship and that she thinks I wish I was a girl. I have not addressed my feelings with her, but I am certain she knows.

In the past when I could, I grew my hair shoulder length claiming it was to donate it, but knew it was so when I "dressed" I would feel more complete. Dressing does not sexually excite me, but leaves me feeling a great sense of relief and joy.

The story could go on and on, but I am not sure what I am or what I can or want to do about it. I am married, have a beautiful 5 month old son and feel transition is not an option, but can no longer deny what I feel and want but my femininity is killing me and everyday my dreams of liberating the girl within grow stronger.

Anyone have similar experiences or suggestions?

Thank you so much for reading and words of support you can give.

Amelia

Quote from: ameliato on September 29, 2014, 07:25:35 AM
Anyone have similar experiences or suggestions?

A whole lot of us have been through exactly where you are now. It's a difficult place. Give yourself credit for facing challenging issues. Here are some thoughts:

* The option to transition is open to you. Many of us in your situation have transitioned and been able to live more authentic lives.
* Transitioning can destroy a marriage. Some marriages survive, some don't. All are changed.
* You can also destroy your marriage by not transitioning. Too many trans people get so wrapped up in fighting their own gender that they become a shell of a person. Substance abuse, anxiety, and depression are common among those who fight their gender.
* That being said, only you know whether transitioning is right for you.
* Transitioning will NOT harm your daughter. Children of transitioning MtF can adjust and live perfectly wonderful lives.
* Often a really good gender therapist can help you lay out your options.

Good luck, Amelia. Many of us have been there. We're here when you need us.

No, you are not the only one who has ever gone through a situation. Not to downplay the seriousness of it, but it seems that a story very similar to that comes from someone new everyday on this forum. Lol My support group is a majority of transsexuals who were in prior relationships and most of them had children. I honestly feel like some of us who are younger and single are the minority. Haha

If your wife is unaware (which is odd to me how you can hide all that, unless she's in denial), then you need to figure out how to open up to her and how to find professional help. If you fear she may react negatively (which is entirely possible), then maybe seek out therapy before telling her. Either way, you'll have to tell her, but it will soften the blow if you at least seek help first.

Whether you transition is totally up to you. I would weigh the options and not immediately rush into anything until you're absolutely sure.

Hi again,

Thanks for the support and advice Abby and Suzi. The makeup part I am sure my wife knows about to some degree. Our schedules in the AM differ so this permits me to carry out my routine. As far as I know she has never seen me with makeup. I was in denial for years and have recently come to terms that I need to seek therapy for my sanity and future.

Dysphoria it seems would be what I am suffering from in a terrible way and my uneasiness and discomfort of seeing a man in the mirror has become too much lately. I can't recall ever being a man in my dreams for close to a decade now and almost always see myself as a woman or is from a female perspective when dreaming. This is probably a good sign something needs to change soon. LOL.

I would give anything in the world to try small dose hormones and transitioning as some have suggested to posts similar to mine. With certainty though, I know it would not be a try, it would be all or nothing as I know mentally I have probably passed a point of no return as far as knowing who I have always been, yet denied.

Thank you for your time.

Amelia

Your story is so familiar to us all. Most of us have been in the exact same place in life. I will tell you that Gender Dysphoria never goes away on it's own and get's worse every day you live with it. A Therapist preferably with gender experience would be a very good place to start. They can provide valuable assistance on deciding what your path can be and will give you the information to come out to others. Dysphoria is a terrible thing to have it and the cost to treat it is high both personally and financially. I for one believe honesty is best with those close to you and think it is time for a talk with your SO. I personally lost a 16 year marriage, a daughter, Father and sister when I knew something had to change in my life. My Mother and Son have stayed by my side and been a beacon of hope and support. You really never know how people will react though and some marriages have survived. Even with all I lost to Dysphoria the gains still outweigh them. I now have a happy and healthy life and no longer have the specter of Dysphoria with me all the time. I am a true and genuine person with a future full of hopes and not dreads. Transition is not an ending, but a beginning. 

Thank you for your words Jessica. Dysphoria was not a word I knew until about 3 years ago, and now having come to this site and researching I feel I am a classic case. The stories I read here so often give me the "that's me" moments.

I can remember having desires for nail polish and makeup as early as 5 years of age and always wondering why the "girls" got to have all the fun and look so nice. As I got older I started to understand more societal norms. Thus when I began practicing in these fun endeavors I had to hide it in shame and guilt. Purchase and purge became the routine in my teens and 20's, but when I reached 30 I gave up the purges and started to express more of Amelia. At this point I don't think anyone would be shocked if I opened up.

Having started lurking frequently here the last 6 months or so after a few years of peeking in here and there, I know now I need to address this professionally. Seeing how happy so many people are once they make the decision and seek therapy shows me I am not alone, and certainly not weird/sick or whatever labels we get.

I feel happy that today I made the choice to become a part of this community as I believe I will be spending some more time here and interacting amongst people like me.


Amelia