Hi, I've discovered that I'm genderqueer and a transwoman.
I identified as genderqueer for a long time. But I've discovered... well... I guess I always kind of knew I was a girl.
Maybe it took long for me to realize it, since I didn't feel as much dysphoria as a lot of other trans people. But now that I understand, I know that I knew deep inside my heart all along that I was a girl.
This is... my second time trying to make the thread. Because I accidentally hit the x button before posting the thread. v.v I'll try my best to say it all again, but it might not come out as good this time... ^_^;;
I've visited this forum for a while and I always meant to sign up, but I didn't get around to it...
But here I am, now.
When I was a kid, I often went outside on my front porch and would imagine and pretend what it was like to be a girl. It seemed like so much fun. One of the first video games I ever played was Chrono Trigger, and I would often pretend to be Marle. I thought it would be so neat to be Marle. And when we would play pretend, I always wanted to be a girl character like Marle. My family weren't okay with queer people, so I was scared for them to know that I kind of wanted to be a girl. I thought I just had a big imagination, my parents told me I was always very imaginative. And I thought I was born a boy and there was nothing I could do about it. All I knew is that my parents and community didn't like gay people. So I was scared.
But I always was excited to be a girl in pretend things like video games and things. I guess I didn't realize it meant I really wanted to be a girl, and should try to be a girl. I kind of wish I did, because then maybe I could have delayed puberty. I don't like what puberty has done to my body, and now I'm in my twenties. But maybe not... sadly... because my parents wouldn't have approved of me doing something like that.
I've always been a big fan of anime and JRPGs and cute things ever since I discovered them. One of the first video games I ever played was Chrono Trigger, and I always wanted to be Marle. And cuteness and androgyny and gender non-conformity are all my favourite things in life. They're what make me so happy to be alive! I'm a big big big big big biiiiiiig fan of My Little Pony and Magical Girl shows. And I love anything cute and pastel and innocent and adorable. I love Sailor Moon and Fushigiboshi no Futagohime and Ojamajo Doremi and Yume no Crayon no Oukoku. And lots and lots of cute anime. And I love shows like My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite and Care Bears and Ruby Gloom. And I love Magical Girl anime so much and I look up to the heroines so much. I want to be just like them.
And I love lots of other cute games and things. Like Panel de Pon and Touhou Project and Pokemon and Tales of Symphonia and Puyo Puyo and Dance Dance Revolution and Magical Pop'n, and Bubble Bobble, and lots of things like that. And I love collecting other cute things like Precious Moments and Hello Kitty and things like that. I have lots of Hello Kitty things, but I'm actually a bigger fan of Little Twin Stars. But it's harder to find Little Twin Stars things... and Hello Kitty is nice, too...
And... and... cute and girly and pastel things and androgyny make me so so so happy to be alive. I want be as cute and girly as all of the things I love.
For a long time I identified as genderqueer but not a transwoman. I didn't think I was transgender, I thought I was agender.
I guess I just didn't get gender. I thought I was agender. And I didn't like gender and didn't think I had a gender identity because I associated gender identity with gender roles.
I didn't like gender so much that I was a postgenderist. I thought a world without gender would be an amazing paradise. And I thought I didn't have a gender, I didn't see how having a gender would be a good thing.
But after talking to some transgender people, some of them thought I was cisgender and I didn't get it because I was cisgender. Or that I was agender. But I started thinking if maybe I did have a gender and didn't realize it. I started thinking maybe I was just cisgender instead of agender and I didn't get it. But I started trying to discover if I had a gender more. I didn't like gender at all, gender roles or gender identity or any of those things. But it seemed like everyone had a gender but me. And after I thought about it, if I had to choose a gender, it wouldn't be a boy, I always always always always wanted to be a girl and I just didn't realize it. That was always something I imagined since I was a little child.
I had always wanted to be a cute girl. I'm a girl. I'm a woman. That's my gender identity. I was just too scared because I didn't ever think I could be a cute girl like I wanted to. I thought it was just my imagination and that I was attracted to girls. But I wanted to be a girl. So now...
Well, I still identify as genderqueer, but I identify as a transwoman now, too. I discovered that's what I wanted all along, but I was too scared. It's going to be hard now, because a lot of the things I would like to do don't have safe technology, but a lot of transgender people would like new technology, too. I'm not going to give up hope.
I've love to add a cute fairy avatar, but it looks like I can't. I went to my profile and it didn't have any options, it just said no avatar. Maybe I have to donate to the forum. I'd love to! But.. unfortunately I'm not in a great position in life right now, and I don't have much money. When I have a chance though I'll donate some money to this site.
~
By I'm not in a good position. I mean that I live in a small town in Arkansas and I still live with my parents. And I make minimum wage and I can't find a better job. I've applied for lots of other jobs but I haven't gotten any. And I'm scared to try to move somewhere else when I wouldn't have a job or a place to live. And my parents don't accept my sexuality or my gender expression. I have to hide who I am from them. So... I'm hoping things get better. But I feel a liiittle bit stuck.
And my parents also discourage me and won't allow me to buy a car or go to a psychologist. So I don't have a gender dysphoria diagnosis. They're very... overbearing. And they don't accept me for who I am and what makes happy. So I would like to get away from them. But I can't really afford to live somewhere else unless I got a better a job or had a roommate. So, I'm kind of in a bad position, but I'm hopeful.
I'm hoping to go back to college to learn something that I could have a new job out of. That way I could have more money. I have an Associate of Arts degree, but there aren't any Bachelor's degree colleges in my small town. So I'd have to move or take online courses. I think it would be nice to be a neuroscientist if I could, though. It might also be nice to learn programming and make video games I love and make money doing that. I also really like gabber and hardstyle music! I love happy euphoric music like kors k and DJ Noriken. So I'd like to buy something like Ableton Live and learn how to make gabber music! Maybe I could make a living off of being a DJ.
When I was a teenager, I was a big candy kid and would always try to wear pastel cute phat pants and make bracelts. But I couldn't go to raves because my parents didn't approve of electronic music or me going to music shows. But I've always wanted to follow the rave music scene and I've always been a fan of pastel happy P.L.U.R. things and hippies and electronic music and raves and things like that. So it would be a childhood dream of mine to be a part of that culture. Oh, and I'm a transhumanist, too. I always hope that someday there will be more technology do to things I would love to do, and I want to live forever!
There are lots of things I want to do with my life that I'm not sure what to choose! Being a DJ and being a neuroscientist and being a video game programmer would all be fun! But for right now I'm working a minimum wage job where I'm... kind of lucky to make 1000 dollars a month.
But I'm hopeful! Life is still wonderful!
It was a little embarrassing for me to say all of those things! People can be very judgmental on the internet. It makes me feel unattractive and embarrassed and things like that. And there are other problems I have, too. Like OCD, I'm very germaphobic. And I have a digestive problem. And probably other things too, that I'm not thinking about. But I figured I should tell someone someday, maybe someone can help!
I try to keep positive! Lots of people are in a similar position to me! I'm just going to keep up and never give up hope!
