I am in the midst of the worst dysphoria I have ever experienced in my life. I found new facial hairs, my shoulders feel too broad, my muscles are hideous, I hate my face, and I am months away from even having a chance to start hormones. I still have over a week to wait before my next therapy session, and I am in the closet, so I have no one else to talk to. I am lifeless; the most simple tasks drain me emotionally; every other thought is about suicide; and I cannot even pretend to care about anything. I am dying inside, and my future seems so hopeless. I cry every night, and I just want it all to end. What the hell am I supposed to do?!

Quote from: Lylapanda on September 29, 2014, 04:04:49 PM
I am in the midst of the worst dysphoria I have ever experienced in my life. I found new facial hairs, my shoulders feel too broad, my muscles are hideous, I hate my face, and I am months away from even having a chance to start hormones. I still have over a week to wait before my next therapy session, and I am in the closet, so I have no one else to talk to. I am lifeless; the most simple tasks drain me emotionally; every other thought is about suicide; and I cannot even pretend to care about anything. I am dying inside, and my future seems so hopeless. I cry every night, and I just want it all to end. What the hell am I supposed to do?!

Just realize we have all been to this point and hold out a little longer just as we did. You can do it and you are already so close to starting HRT. Just look at the progress you have made. There is a life after Dysphoria that you just can't imagine. It is not the end, but a fresh new beginning with the total freedom to be the real you. Do not give up before you experience that. It is well worth any wait you have to go through. PM if you want or need to.  One more post (15 ) and you can use the PM function!

Aww, sweetie.  I was there two years ago and know exactly what you're going through.  Waking up in the hospital really sucks.  It happened to me twice inside of a month.  All I knew is that I couldn't pretend to be a guy anymore and something had to give.  Please know that it gets better.  It really does.  Your brain was just not wired to run on testosterone, and when it gets the estrogen it wants, wonderful things happen.

Getting on a therapeutic dose of estrogen was the best thing I ever did for my sense of well-being, and 20 months later, here I am, transitioned and happy for the first time.

Even if you can't start HRT just yet, there are a few things you can do to feel better about yourself in the meantime.  Transition is a marathon, not a sprint, so please start the process now.  Some suggestions- I figure that not all of these things will apply to you, but these are typical things one does before hormones.

1- Lose weight via low-carb diet and cardio.  It's harder to lose body fat on estrogen, so if you have any "guy fat", now is the time to lose it.  Cardio will also make you lose muscle mass.  Avoid lifting heavy things and guy muscles will start to melt away.
2- Work on feminizing your mannerisms.  Observe the differences between how men and women move, sit and walk.
3- Work on cultivating a female voice.  This takes time, and the best time to start is now.
4- Get laser and/or electrolysis.  It takes almost forever to lose a beard, and the best time to start is yesterday.
5- Buy some cute outfits.  Shopping will take your mind off of things.  If you're not ready to do it in person, do it online.
6- Experiment with makeup to see what works best with your coloring.
7- I found breast forms helped ease my dysphoria early on.  I like the ones PALS makes.  They are gel, so you can even sleep with them on.
8- Find a name that fits you like a glove.  One that makes your brain light up in a happy way when you hear it spoken.
9- Paint your nails
10- If you have lost hair, start on minoxidil and/or propecia.
11- If you are suffering from major depression or anxiety, talk to a doctor.  Antidepressants and antianxiety drugs were an effective stopgap for me until HRT did its job.
12- Watch transition videos on YouTube.  There are some AMAZING transformations that may inspire you or end your doubts.
13- Talk to people here at Susan's
14- Pierce your ears
15- Start growing your hair out
16- Work on your strategy for coming out to the world. It can be tricky depending on your situation.  Expect to lose family and friends.  (Who needs transphobes in their lives anyway?)  Some people will surprise you though.
17- When I cried myself to sleep, I hugged a teddy bear.  Trust me, you NEED a teddy bear.  I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Frank.
18- Find things that take your mind off of dysphoric thoughts.  Music, movies, TV, books, hobbies.  We tend to be easily distract-SQUIRREL!-ed.
19- Picture yourself as your true self.  Who are you really?  What things about you have you faked as a defense mechanism?  Start to drop these things and you will feel better for being genuine.
20- Find new things that make you happy.  Trying things you were once afraid or ashamed of is fun.  Shame is useless anyway.

Hugs,
Jill

Lylapanda,
I was there two days ago. I'm holding your hand in the darkness. I have to believe it will pass...when it's supposed to. You are stronger than you think.
We're all here to hold each other's hand when we doubt and when we stumble momentarily.
Take care,
Evelyn.

Thank you for the replies! I have been struggling internally for so long that the idea of starting to transition can be overwhelming at times. Exercising patience is even harder, so I am going to start doing what I can before hormones (thank you for the suggestions, Jill). I will try not to let my fears drag me down. I have a long way to go, but I am getting closer every day.

I was in that exact place this past Friday . I know it is a horrible place to be, and I wish I had the words to make it easier.  Just know that most if not all of us on this site have been in a similar place if we aren't actually in it along with you right now.  We are all here for you.

Jill's list is gold.  Seriously. 

It's really hard feeling like you have to wait to start transition.  But transition doesn't start with HRT.  In fact, we have a bunch of girls around here who were full-time for years before even starting HRT.  So transition can start any time you want...and Jill's list pretty much lays out the early steps.  And in that awkward waiting period, these things can really make a difference.

Good luck, Lyla.  And do keep us updated.

I agree, Jill's list is really good. I'm having a bit of a similar time right now but I'm definetly finding talking to everyone on here keeps me sane.

Your looking great already Lyla, before you know it you'll be feeling more like who you really are. It's really hard sometimes to not get lost in our own thoughts, I think of it as 'getting lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs'. When they fly away theres a beautiful green grass underneath, and it's peaceful. It's just hard when we keep feeding them lol.

Stay strong Lyla, everyone's here to help at moments such as these. i think about how hard the past 36 years have been for me, that a few more months to look like I feel is nothing compared to what I've been through. We'll all get there in the end, and I think it'll be beautiful for all of us when it finally happens

Hugs,
Bree

Lyla,  hang in there, it sucks now, but hang in there.  By the way, you look fantastic!!

Jill, thank you for this list, I've copied them to my own personal journal, lots of great things to ease the pain and make life better.  THANK YOU!

I have come to the realisation that I am in need of a Teddy!
Thank you so much Jill!!!

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on September 30, 2014, 06:58:00 AM
I have come to the realisation that I am in need of a Teddy!
Thank you so much Jill!!!

And here I was thinking everybody had a teddy or a stuffed toy of some kind. My bed is almost covered with them.

Seriously Jills list is good.  Hair removal can take a very long time, and you don't know how fast the E train will go or how far it will take you. Also clothing, by buying a few cute outfits now you can find your own personal style that you're comfortable with.  Plus there is colours (lots and lots of colours). With accessories that go with each outfit plus stuff for day and different stuff for night.  So working out what you like now will help later.

Just remember breath, step by step day by day. Treat it like a marathon not a sprint. It is painful now (I know) but the satisfaction when you complete the race..... Just keep your head up and focus on the finish line. You'll get there in the end