The evolution for me has been fascinating.
Yes Jayce I have a triune gender. But it is quite complex. Some say I am in denial, others validate, the shrink.... Says I have a better grip on whats going on than most he has had.
I hit the wall as a late mtf transperson and was refered by my endo to get the shrink letter, and wound up getting a good gender therapist. Actually sex therapist.
We did a bunch of therapy and eventually cracked the orientation denial, then other denials, as I realized more of who I was. Wanting to go out socially female was not desired nor recommended and still isn't.
I was kind of drilled on to see if I would insist I was female trapped within the male body, but was too pragmatic with that. Instead I said I was male, with female wiring. That remains partially true. But I am "notmale", with female sensual zones and heavy physical dysphoria.
The hormones came, the diagnosis of nonbinary with hormones beneficial and recommended now in my well preserved and cherished letter.
Therapy continued. Not to get to the operations, but to understand and not underestimate the power and nuances of dysphoria.
I started on the mtf section identifying as a transwoman but could not understand why I still had a male core and presentation. That was in January. Hormones were ramping up, they have been now for 16 months, quite slowly, to peak and over as we know.
Knowing something was off and struggling with presentations etc, I came over and asked questions in the nonbinary section after Aisla had been seeing me melt down in the mtf forum over concerns of an inevitable full transition. Which I beg of everyone here never, ever to suggest to me again as my solution.
It was labeled androgyn, I didn't think I belonged. Nor anywhere else.
Then the labels changed, and I understood more of the physical nature of DES conversions. Which remain controversial.
Finally I got into a thread where Ativan spoke of finding gender deep within when the noise was all silenced, and I discovered the concept of "core".
This led to the understanding of the triune gender nature I describe. The core, the soul, the deep place within that is amuzed by gender, and is also a force for nonbinary trans advocacy here in Susans, the physical nature which remains "female" wired, and the social nature which remains totally fluid. As Suzie has said, it is all experiential, how I feel, how I observe me responding to the outside and the inside worlds.
This has led to what I believe is my truth. It cost me a great deal to find it. There were explorations and threads, the most wonderful being the "authenticity" thread, that furthered my understanding of core and presentational gender identity.
That triune gender identity has remained rock solid now since I discovered the "core " concept. The diamond of trans concept. Facets seen, fire burning within. Must be seen in 3D to be comprehended.
That is my journey. Now it about the courage to present without compromise, based on truth. At the moment, it means I look like male with a beard and rather beautiful nails that are still growing. That is the business normal presentation. Lean back and the breasts are revealed, small but authentic. Usually hidden. Fully female presenting under the outerwear.
More than a presentation. It is who I am socially, an mtf no-op, knowing h'erself, that freely moves in a man's rough world in subcontracting under the radar but ready with an explanation if challenged. There are plenty of authentic cisfemales who look the same in construction, although I have a beard under that hand, which I will not reveal in this forum.
It is necessary to keep it to remain married and intact. The genderqueer presentation that is truth when with very close family, both binaries glaringly revealed.
Many forms. Full transition early and alone, half at night, and stealth genderqueer by day, but the core is a constant, the feeling genuine, the life amazing and very authentic as far as I can tell.
This post was about others not me, but since you asked, Jayce, that is my answer to the section.
Many cannot comprehend it, but I can, and that is all that matters.
