Before I go on, I should mention that in the time I started coming out to friends and family, I've had the good fortune of experiencing nothing but support and acceptance. The worst I've had to deal with, is insensitive questions or comments stemming from ignorance or the inability to empathise with what I've had to deal with growing up transgender.

That said, I've begun to realize how insidious the transgender experience has been for me.

I think most cisgender people have this idea that being transgender is just wanting to take on the outward appearance of the opposite gender, or at least disregard gender norms in one's outward presentation. The slightly more empathetic realize it's also about having to supress one's own natural behaviours and inclinations, and therefore having to put up an act 24/7 to fit into society's expectations of who we should be, based on what our assigned gender was at birth.

I was elated initially, at being accepted for who I was when I came out, and it was an adventure being able to dress more androgynously, even crossdressing in public stealthily by wearing women's jeans, tops, etc.

However, I guess I desired more than that. I wanted to be understood, to have the people close to me genuinely interested in this side of me that I've always had to hide, and to want to know what it was like being me and how cisnormativity made me feel.

I know having to hide and police myself 24/7 since childhood, has made me socially anxious, paranoid, over-analytical, and that it's stymied my own personal development. Instead of becoming who I am and working towards what I want and who I want to be, I've spent a lifetime catering to the needs and wants of others, so I wouldn't be hated and despised.

Being transgender has made me a doormat.

A nice doormat, no doubt. I've always been the nice guy, the good friend who instinctively knows what my close friends are thinking or feeling, and I've always gone out of my way to help the people around me whom I felt would accept me if only they knew everything about me.

I'm at the age where everyone is busy pursuing their hopes and dreams, career-wise or romantically, and I don't fit into that path that most people work. As a gender-nonconforming individual, I am a professional and social liability. As a romantic partner, I am unwanted, and undesirable. As a friend, I'm fun to hang out with so long as I don't talk about the side of myself that no one can really understand.

It sucks, but I don't blame them. It wasn't until recently, that I stopped resenting my mother for her shortcomings, and began to appreciate how her life experiences has made her who she is today, and that her bad comes with her good.

I think I've begun to grasp at the very basic tenets of what unconditional love really means, and I've foolishly expected that others would However, I've realized that by expecting this of others, that I myself lack empathy because growing up cisnormative and/or heterosexual is different.

Perhaps the only positive aspect of growing up transgender I've come to appreciate, is that it's given me the ability to empathize more deeply with people than most others are able to. It's partly innate, but also largely (as most of you would know) due to being marginalized and disenfranchised all my life.

I've always joked with friends that I feel like an old person inside, and I do truly feel that way.

I feel tired, jaded, exhausted.

Above all, I feel so alone.

I remember watching Baz Luhrmann's reimagination of Romeo & Juliet starring Clare Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio, and the idea of star-crossed lovers seemed so enticing and alien all at once.

I remember thinking I would only ever find love at first sight, if I met someone just as damaged as I was.

I realize everyone deals with the same issue, but being transgender just makes it so much less likely that I'll ever find someone who understands, and wants me.

Sigh. Thoughts?

Just one. I can't answer until I know something. How old are you?

Sorry for the long rambling post, people. I was a little drunk, and somewhat sad last night.

I'm 29 years old.

I know how you feel
I feel exactly the same
if you feel lonely and sad all the time you may be depressed...

btw that thing you said was really poetic and romantic,can i post it on my fb?
"I remember thinking I would only ever find love at first sight, if I met someone just as damaged as I was."

i feel a bit alike , that i cant really talk of a big part of my life or pains to most anyone while they can amongst themselves , sometime i tryed seeing it as ahumane issue more than a transgender issue and that them being human too could understand , trying to help them with understanding me , but its exhausting at times and they not always get it and it require iunderstand myself well enough too

I can totally relate. It's amazing how you always make a great friend, but when it comes to being consider for something more that the door is completely closed. The fact I tried to hide my transgender half and for the fact that I wasn't willing to get into relationship for fear they would have problem with it probably didn't help. The 24/7 act that we have to put on all those years many of my friends were able to see through. For those that chose not too it was much more difficult. I'm glad they did it made it much easier to come out to those that did. A tight group of people that have stuck with me for 25 to 30 years. Have you tried talking to your friends about your transgender side, when you need to? I know some of my friends are there anytime I need to talk about anything. I would hope at least one or more of yours would be willing to do the same.
Hugs
Mariah

FalseHybridPrincess, of course you can use it. I didn't expect anyone to find my random rantings poetic haha.

When I finally stopped hiding from myself, I began transitioning with the hope that even if I remained alone, that I could at least be myself. To that end, I am a happier person, and I'm glad that I took the first steps towards being comfortable with myself.

I think I was depressed for the past few years beginning in 2010 when I had my first major breakdown and came out to my cell phone before deleting what I'd recorded. I began coming out to people last year, and little by little I've started feeling alive again.

I do have some good friends, but everyone's so busy with their lives now, and they're either attached or would want nothing to do with me, romantically speaking.

Perhaps I expected too much? I know of cishetero people who deal with the same issues and remain single for a long time, so maybe this is what it's like to be "normal"?

Even in cynicism there is optimism!

Thanks for listening (reading) and reaching out, y'all.

We all want someone special in our lives; that sidekick; that partner in crime. It makes getting through the hardest obstacles so much easier when someone is right there with you, never leaving your side, and encouraging you to keep going. But if you are not whole in yourself then you will only ever attract into your life someone equally un-whole. That's a recipe for unhealthy co-dependence. Imagine two black holes feeding off each other until there's nothing but some inverse, insidious void. Never settle for someone out of desperation. Master yourself and fill that void with self-love. Find peace and contentment in the company of your own divinity, because no one is ever truly alone. Then, when the time is right, someone will come along — equally whole — who will complement the wholeness you've created in yourself. That is the kind of relationship (and friendship) that outshines the brightest stars and serves a higher purpose than mere emotional satisfaction.

I've been single for 10 years now, and I'm perfectly okay with it. I consider myself married to my art, my studies and my spirituality. I am completely open to the prospect of a new relationship, but it's very far down on my list of priorities. It's just something that will either happen or it won't, and either way I'll be perfectly happy. I have great friends, and a great relationship with myself. Love should always be something that occurs naturally and in due time, and the wait will always be worth it.

Wow did you just pull a page out of my book. you sound like a amazing person who like me has always thought of others before ourself. now it's time to be happy and live our lives. I know you will find happiness.

Sororcaeli, I agree with what you're saying completely. I suppose I'm still untangling myself from the psychological and emotional mess being transgender has made me, and it would feel wrong to get someone involved in my mess before I'm done fixing it. I'm still at the stage where I'm unsure where all this is going, and whether I'll end up fully transitioning, or just being androgynous or non-binary.

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement though. I remember thinking before I started coming out to people, that transitioning would be worth it, even if I ended up alone for the rest of my life. After all, I'd already spent my entire life mostly alone, so why would it matter if I could at least be me?

I'm leaving for a social gathering soon, and it's just going to be the same deal again. Feeling alone in a room full of people, while they talk about classes or gossip, all of which matters so little to me now.

I've been told by some close friends, that what I need is a furry pet.

By the way, to everyone reading this, I might sound like I'm addressing a specific poster, but I'm really just talking out aloud, so don't feel like I'm ignoring you if you've posted a reply. All the posts in this thread are in my thoughts as I type this.

Quote from: runaway on October 03, 2014, 08:22:46 PM
Sororcaeli, I agree with what you're saying completely. I suppose I'm still untangling myself from the psychological and emotional mess being transgender has made me, and it would feel wrong to get someone involved in my mess before I'm done fixing it. I'm still at the stage where I'm unsure where all this is going, and whether I'll end up fully transitioning, or just being androgynous or non-binary.

Well, love.. whatever you do just make the best of it.

QuoteThanks for the kind words of encouragement though. I remember thinking before I started coming out to people, that transitioning would be worth it, even if I ended up alone for the rest of my life. After all, I'd already spent my entire life mostly alone, so why would it matter if I could at least be me?

Every relationship I've had with cis women (before transition) have always ended badly, so I know the feels.. I just don't click with them, and they probably feel like they were dating a chick (because they were, ha). I think, in our new skin, we will find far greater compatibility with someone, because being trans is challenging, and if someone can handle it then they're worth our love and gratitude more than anyone else. Being alone isn't so bad when you have lots of fun and creative things to keep you busy, and a little spirituality doesn't hurt, either.

QuoteI'm leaving for a social gathering soon, and it's just going to be the same deal again. Feeling alone in a room full of people, while they talk about classes or gossip, all of which matters so little to me now.

Oh, I know the routine. I've never been one for small talk. If we're not discussing music, art, cerebral topics, life or just being goofy then we're just not going to hit it off, as friends or as partners. I can't participate in gossip, because that's just drama, and what you hear ends up dragging you into the mess whether you like it or not. We have brains capable of so much more contemplation than who is shagging who, or what so-and-so did at that one party. Just bring up some interesting subjects with people. Some might not have the attention span for it, but you just might meet someone who would love to chat about better things. You just have to take chances, and not let yourself be too disappointed.

QuoteI've been told by some close friends, that what I need is a furry pet.

Hehe, pets are great, especially dogs. So much more personality and love. I had a hamster a few years ago named Astrid, but she wasn't terribly fun to take care of after a while, and did not like to be held! I think one day I'll have a dog again, though.

Anyway, you'll be okay. Just keep your chin up, and know that you're better than all of those idgets! Here's a clip from Donnie Darko that I thought was awesome and encouraging:

Background
At age 23, I had a past gay relationship for 4 years and when that broke up I want to gay bars and picked up out of being so lonely. At age 23 I decided to become completely celibate. 6 to 7 years later I was an alcoholic in a dive bar at 325 pounds and was taking pills to make the alcohol very effective in numbing myself.  During this time I by chance  meet this woman who stopped into the bar after a movie with a girl friend. I married her and suppressed my trans*. We have a daughter and now I am out and there is a mess.  I am 52.

I understand completely how you feel. I am learning feelings are not real because I can change my feelings through addressing fear, in little steps and celebrating my successes. This is a difficult process of empowering myself. I am using a therapist.

Yes, being trans limits potential romantic and sexual partners.   There is someone out there who is welcoming. Increase your chances of meeting by being in places where that type of person is located. I go to group and if I was in the market they know where to go.

Hugs, good luck.

I was Billy No Mates as a kid,no friends then when I could get served alcohol(I stopped growing at 15) I was suddenly the most popular kid in my year at school.Even then I refused to let myself get close to anyone in case my secret was discovered.I had one long term relationship with a violent alcoholic shoplifting woman 9 years older than me(nothing like making life harder for yourself!) and a string of casual hook ups with guys and girls.If I could find someone as damaged as myself,and it worked I'd be happy.I don't care if it's a man or woman.Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up,only my sister would miss me,Dad's too drunk to notice either of us anymore,he's been on a bender for the past 6 weeks