Alright!

Well, I have shot myself in the foot.
Shot myself in the foot and then used my other foot to stomp on it. (That doesn't have to make sense...)

Ok so let me begin. I've been trying to sort this all out in my head so this actually happened about 2 days ago.

Well, after being struck down with school, work, social life and everything in between, my mom continued to put pressure upon pressure on my shoulders until I ultimately broke down. I simply could not handle it. Feeling bad my mom did what any good mom would do and did everything she could to make me feel better. Suggested fun things, vowed to cut me a bit of slack, not judge me for needing a day off and calling out of work, things that were truly making me feel better.

However, we all know there's still that ONE thing hanging over my head, and since I'm in the mood for breaking down and shouting my feelings, what better time than now to impulsively say that I feel like a woman trapped in a man? Well let me tell you, this was the best and worst experience I have EVER been through.

So let me take you through this in the best 'comprehensible' way I could even describe it.

To start, my mom and I have always been generally close, but lately there has been a strain as my 'inner-self' has been coming more apparent.

This was my first day off from work in 7 days, I haven't been sleeping well, I'm constantly down about myself, exhausted, unhappy and I was getting ready to make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in LGBT.

I (obviously) was at my breaking point. I had actually voiced that I was considering seeing a therapist and that I had intentions on making an appointment later that day. Of course she didn't know for what, but she could tell I was depressed. Anyway, my mom can always tell when something else is bothering me, and it was on the tip of my tongue, I just wanted to come out. And she kept pushing and pushing. And here I am, looking my mother in the eyes, and I finally get a small burst of courage and impulsively say

"I don't know how to ruin your life."

All the while, my girlfriend was on the way over and right as the words left my mouth, tears came to my mothers eyes as she begged me not to leave it at that, and my girlfriend came inside.

At this point I can't tell whether that was the best thing to happen or the worst, as I obviously would love to be me and not have the stress off this sitting on my shoulders, but at the same time, I wasn't sure I was ready.

So as my girlfriend comes in, I made my way upstairs into my bedroom and my girlfriend not too far behind. Not even 10 minutes later, I get a call from my mom, asking if I would come back downstairs so we could finish our conversation.

I get downstairs and I am still debating on whether or not I am ready, but she keeps pushing and I can't come up with anything to bullsh*t my way out. So it takes me about 10 minutes of hysterical crying on the floor and my mom comfortingly rubbing my head and seemingly shushed me like a baby, I finally blurted out;

"I'm having gender problems!"

Breaking down harder, my mom confusingly asked me what I meant and went in detail, I could only answer her with "I don't know"'s. It all felt fake, surreal. After calming myself down and listening to her initial reaction, I took it all back

"What? You took it all back you say?"   (The reader exclaimed!)

Yes, I wasn't ready. I just couldn't have her look at me differently. She asked if I was into guys and if I were gay more times than I have ever heard in my life. I told her I just wanted to know she would support me no matter what. Not believing me, she kept repeating that she would support and love me no matter what, but she was going to need a therapist too and that she needed to know more. And as great as this was to hear, at this point I had already opted out. I told her there was no need and that I just needed to know she would support me, through anything. After the day had passed she asked me once more, and I assured her she had nothing to worry about and that again, I was just looking for her unconditional support. And now everything is basically back to normal.

I can tell I am not happy, but now I see my mom and she seems happier than she's seemed in months. I don't know how to deal with all of this.

Did I just majorly screw myself over?

Help?

Well, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Maybe after talking to the therapist for a while you'll sort more things out and gain confidence. You'll probably never really be at peace with coming out- But there will come a time when you can't take keeping everything a secret. It might be a while, and you'll be nervous, but it'll happen. Then, once it happens, you'll probably feel like crap for a while. But you'll be so glad you did it in the morning and from then on. It all takes time, not just for you but for those around you, especially parents. You have her unconditional support, which is definitely a good sign. 

Hello Anna

You have definitely NOT shot yourself in the foot.  Quite the opposite really. 

I accept fully that you don't feel ready to talk freely to your mom, but from the little you explain, she appears really open-minded and is totally there for you, so take advantage of that!  The trans journey can be hard at times, and to have your mom on board and accompanying you would be a huge huge help. 

I know that it's hard to take such immensely private thoughts and doubts and to make them public - it's probably one of the hardest steps towards self-acceptance, and also the most cathartic.  Sharing this issue with people who love you and want to help you also greatly reduces the stress from keeping things bottled up inside.

When I came out to my parents, they were indignant.  Not because they objected to what I needed to do, but because I had kept so much from them for so many years.  They are now so fully supportive of me that they even intend to be with me during next year's SRS.

My suggestion, all two Euro cents worth:  collect your thoughts.  Create a narrative of meaningful incidents in your life.  Be able to explain how you've felt in the past about your gender, how you feel about it now, and what you might hope to do about it in the future.  Arrange a quiet time for a chat with your mom over a cup of coffee.  Be open, honest and very human.  Be ready to cry perhaps.  And if are honest, even if you are not at all clear about where you are heading, you will have taken a very meaningful step in the right direction.

I hope this helps a bit?

Julia

I have done that exactly the 3 times my parents have caught me crossdressing  during my really really young years. Talk about shooting and then stomping and then pouring chilli syrup all over my leg.

The third time my mom asked if I felt I was a girl. I was 13 years old and so scared that I said no. To this day I regret my answer, I would have probably been able to start my journey nearly 15 years in advance. If only I had a time machine,... Sigh..,

Well you said it yourself you weren't ready, and the problem with having pressure put on us is sometimes we can say things we don't exactly mean at that time.

Fortunately or unfortunately it can be very hard to take back and unhear words that have been said. Maybe with a few days rest from work and hopefully some less pressure from your mother, (who does sound like she is trying and supportive in a way only mothers can). You will start to feel a little better. Add a few sessions with that therapist who specializes in LGBT, that you where planing to call and you MAY soon be ready to haves that conversation again. This time with you feeling not as stressed and worn out as you where the first time you attempted to tell

My problem wasn't telling my mom (although it was definitely awkward), it's having to keep reminding her; having to breach the subject over and over, because it's like she compartmentalises it. I know when I visit her today she's going to call me "son" again. When, to her, that's who I've been for 33 years it feels almost like I'm twisting the knife each time I have to tell her. She initially told me that she supports me, and will love me no matter, but it seems to leave her brain more and more. It feels like it's going to get to the point where I have to yell saying, "PLEASE STOP! I know it's hard, but you have to understand that your son is now your daughter! I always was! So please, try to let go of that and embrace me as I am today! No more 'son', no more 'he'! I just can't endure it anymore!" She really has no idea how much stronger our relationship could be if she'd start attempting the right pronouns and see me as I've always felt. 33 years of suppressing that is quite enough. I can't do it anymore no matter how painful it might be to others. I live my life for me. It's everyone else that either needs to adapt or move along without me.

UPDATE: I just had my second talk with my mom, and she's still on board, and still very understanding. She even put my new name in her phone!