Hi, my name is Aubrey. I'm currently not living as my true gendered self. In fact, I am with the greatest amount of sadness possible recognizing that this is the tenth anniversary of when I was basically forced by my family to transition back to living as a man after four rather difficult (but fulfilling) years. It broke my heart to be rejected by family that I thought were my allies, and overall it's been terrible, but truth be told, up until the past year or two, I've pretty much have repressed it as much as possible because things were going OK on my personal relations front, and because I realized that regardless of no matter how much I've struggled internally, it was easier to fake it being a guy. That being said, with this being the tenth anniversary of that even, I feel like a complete sell out and failure.
However, a lot has changed recently. I started a nursing program which will give me a salary and career that will allow me to transition successfully this time. The question is, do I do it? My heart and soul tell me yes. My program tells me "yes" (though in not so many words, aside from saying that you can't be a successful nurse without being true to yourself). What makes this difficult is that I have a wife whom I love very much, but our relationship has been deteriorating, and a 9 month old baby (one that I never thought I could have because of my years on estrogen and aldactone). I don't know how to talk to my wife about this, without alienating her. She means the world to me; I'm so madly in love with her, but I made the decision to not come out to her after facing rampant rejection and being ostracized by everyone I had divulged my real self to. She was such an amazing thing to happen to me, that I didn't want to destroy it because of the risk of losing her, and now several years later, I face that fact with real panic and worry.
I just want to be able to be myself. i want to be able to dress how I want, and be happy. A couple months ago, I randomly ran into info about photoestrogens, and since then have been drinking soy milk regularly. I know that it's a weak estrogen, but I can feel the difference inside of me, and physically as well. It makes me want to be back on estrogen again. My skin has smoothed (if feels more womanly), my facial hair has slown down, my breasts are starting to get fuller again, and I don't need my anxiety pills anymore That's the best part!!! I feel so calm and wonderful with my little soybean friend. I don't get general anxiety anymore...at all!! I feel at peace; which brings me back to my concerns about my wife. I feel like I'm starting a divergent path; one that will take me away from her, rather than keeping me from her.
Anyhow, I'm rather exhausted trying to get this out as concisely as possible. I need help please. I need a therapist to talk to that is trans friendly. I used to got to Sidney Borum when I lived in Boston and was living as a woman. I saw Story Stevenson there. If anyone is from Mass, and goes there, and knows her, can you find out how I might be able to get ahold of her? She was so great to me.
Thank you!
