When I was younger, my parents let me be a tomboy. They had no problem with me wearing boy's clothing, hanging out with boys, and doing things that are usually done by boys, like skateboarding and playing video games. I found that it was easier for me to get along with boys, and my friends who were girls weren't very girly either. I was also mistaken for a boy a lot, and that'd make me feel really happy. It made me feel happy even when someone couldn't tell what gender I was because to me, it meant that I didn't look completely female.

When I began puberty, I was still a tomboy, but puberty made things awkward for me. My female friends became more feminine, and I didn't really feel like I fit in with boys anymore because of my body. I felt really upset about the way my body looked. When it was late at night or when I was home by myself, I'd stuff my pants because it made me feel a little better about myself... lol. I'd wear large shirts and sweaters, so you couldn't really see my boobs. I'd also force my voice to be deeper. People still knew that I'm a girl, and I hated myself because of that.

I started to use the internet more often, and when I was 11, I watched porn for the first time. I thought I might be a lesbian because I realized that I'm attracted to girls, but that made me feel really confused. When I was 12, I started to use tumblr, and I'd present myself as male online. I talked to kids around my age. I thought everyone saw me as a boy, but a girl I used to talk to referred to me with female pronouns. Other people also started to use female pronouns for me, and I kind of just brushed it off because I told myself that I have a vagina, and I could never be a boy.

After that, I tried to forget about wanting to be a boy, but I'd fantasize a lot about being a guy. I learned a lot more about gender and sexuality on tumblr, but this made me feel even more confused. I thought that I might be bigender, but that doesn't really feel right. Since I'm attracted to girls, I just labelled myself as a cis lesbian because I can see myself living as a girl. Also, whenever I think about sex with girls, I see myself as a girl instead of a boy, but I still kind of wish I had a penis.

I still want to be a boy, but I feel really confused. Even though I think I might be trans, I feel like I'm not because I'm scared to transition. I'm scared to cut my hair and have people call me by a different name and male pronouns. HRT and top surgery seem really terrifying too. I feel like I do want to transition, but I'm not really sure if I actually want to or not. What if I transition only to find out that I'm not trans at all??

I think I'd be happier if I lived as a boy, but this is too confusing and overwhelming. This is making me feel really upset, and I feel like killing myself. I don't know what to do. I know that my friends would be okay with me being trans because most of them are gay or trans, but this is weird. I hate this. Please help!!!

A good therapist could help you sort this out. How do you feel your parents would respond if you said you need to see a therapist?

I've never really felt comfortable speaking up about my problems to my parents. I feel like if I told them I want to see a therapist, they'd be upset with me or something.

I was similar to you when I was a kid, except I felt that I was too feminine to be a tomboy. So I was always in an awkward limbo between liking boy things but wanting to relate to girls, who were disinterested in boy things :/

I feel similarly to you. Being FTM makes so much sense to me, but I'm afraid of the regret if I make the wrong decision. I'm glad you're figuring it out while you're much younger than me, though!

Getting over your fear is the first step, and the easiest fear to break is to cut your hair short and have your friends refer to you as a guy. If that's too much, then what I've been doing so far is just imagining that I'm a guy undercover as a woman in daily life. Just that change in mindset helps me feel what it might be like to be male. I...hope that made sense. I have a pretty vivid imagination, so maybe it only works for me... I'm also about to get my hair cut shorter than it's ever been, but I love having short hair anyway, so I'm excited to see how it turns out.

I hear you on the suicidal feelings. The thought of being trans is confusing and unfamiliar, and the arguing head-voices are irritating. But please take comfort in knowing that you're not alone!

Quote from: mcnugget on October 12, 2014, 11:58:35 AM
I've never really felt comfortable speaking up about my problems to my parents. I feel like if I told them I want to see a therapist, they'd be upset with me or something.

Do you think you could have the courage to tell them you're having suicidal thoughts? Do you think that might get them to take you seriously about a therapist? Maybe just prepare what you want to say when they need an explanation so that you don't have to come out about potential trans issues. You could keep it very vague but still truthful like "I'm having a lot of issues with puberty and growing up" or something like that.