I didn't get hit with real extreme dysphoria until I became a teenager. And even then, I identified as non-binary for awhile because I didn't hate my body so much I was suicidal or anything. I have been depressed for a really long time - I'd say deeply since I was 13 or 14, but the really pahological need for love and approval started way before that.  It sounds cheesy, but my parents got divorced and my mom got a boyfriend immediately after, and some of my earliest memories are feeling neglected and stuff.  I've always been awkward and chubby also, so boys never really liked me.  But when I broke up worh my first boyfriend, I got really depressed and even more needy. I had a tumblr, and felt a lot more confident online because I had a lot of friends and stuff, and it was easier to talk to boys. There were two boys off of there I sent naked pictures to (and by naked I mean topless and/or my butt with just my underwear on), mostly out of this need to be distracted and feel loved and attractive. And then I met a boy on omegle who was real sweet and we would talk and he was into crossdressing so he'd send me pictures and stuff, and we never made anything official and actually dropped the idea of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but we basically dated for about five months.  He lived in the UK so it was hard to talk sometimes but he was always kind and sweet and called me mistress. And I liked it, I liked all that, I liked using my body in that way, or being a girl, or something....

But then the dysphoria came back.  It was really bad when I was 14, and then I ignored it, and now it's back. But I question if I am "really trans" since I had those experiences.  But then I think depression and emotional dysfunction are really intense, you know? So maybe it is possible the need to feel cute was stronger than the need to be a cute boy. I don't know.

wolfxheart

I suspect that depression can mask dysphoria and I suspect that often one will lead to or accentuate the other.  The only way to be sure and to find a way forward is to see a therapist. 

A good therapist will help you unpack these issues and work with you on finding and implementing effective solutions.  Dysphoria has a habit of going away and coming back stronger than ever.  It is not uncommon for dysphoria to surge in adolescence.

Safe travels

Aisla

Quote from: Aisla on October 11, 2014, 01:26:42 PM
wolfxheart

I suspect that depression can mask dysphoria and I suspect that often one will lead to or accentuate the other.  The only way to be sure and to find a way forward is to see a therapist. 

A good therapist will help you unpack these issues and work with you on finding and implementing effective solutions.  Dysphoria has a habit of going away and coming back stronger than ever.  It is not uncommon for dysphoria to surge in adolescence.

Safe travels

Aisla

Great advice.

Think you're absolutely right.

I've been on antidepressants for the last few months but in reality I've had problems for much longer than that. It's only been the clarity of thought that the medication's allowed me to have that's allowed me to realise the true problem.

The tablets help but I'm really looking forward to seeing a therapist to help me sort out all the feelings in my head. It's just a relief to know what's really wrong with me but now I know, I'm noticing my dysphoria so much more. My last period made me feel so depressed again when I'd thought I'd been getting better.

In my case dysphoria exacerbated my PTSD. With the dysphoria under control my PTSD is minimal.

Looking back on my life (so many years spent in denial) I have the feeling that I've spent most of my time in a state of mild depression.  Nothing that I ever needed medication for.  But I could have used a good counsellor who could have pointed out some things to me and helped me face up to the fact that I was trans.

Wolfxheart, you've used the word "cheesy" in describing your experiences, and I get the strong impression that you're being somewhat apologetic here.  There's no need to be.  When you're not allowed to be who you are, then you do things that you would wish you'd done otherwise.  If you can't express yourself as you are, you still have to express yourself somehow.  And you won't be expressing yourself as you really need to.

Counselling in your situation might be very beneficial for you.  You don't want to let as many years go by as I did.

Quote from: Foxglove on October 12, 2014, 02:34:49 PM
Looking back on my life (so many years spent in denial) I have the feeling that I've spent most of my time in a state of mild depression.  Nothing that I ever needed medication for.  But I could have used a good counselor who could have pointed out some things to me and helped me face up to the fact that I was trans.

That pretty well describes me.

I've also found that with depression its very hard to think clearly, which didn't help at all trying to work out of I'm trans or not (or how trans I suppose). I sometimes wish I had more dysphoria so I would have realized much earlier what it was all about, but oddly I don't really wish I wasn't trans anymore.

Just deciding to do something, seeing a psych and increasing my hrt dosages alleviated my depression to a huge degree. The psych offered me anti-depressants multiple times, but I declined. I wasn't suicidal and I wanted to be very sure of the reason why if if I ended up feeling better. Some months later and my depression is completely gone - I can't remember a time I've ever felt this good. So has a lot of the dysphoria, but I've found that comes and goes anyway so I'm not concerned about it. I now know its not anti-depressants and it is hrt/accepting myself. Its very reassuring knowing that. Just to be clear, I'm not against anti-depressants in principal, I just didn't need them enough. Some people certainly do.