I'm so afraid, gentlemen. I feel like my life has been ruined by testosterone, physically I have changed and am more comfortable in my skin, mentally I can deal with things much better.

But I feel as though the hormone is rotting me from the inside out, my once amazing memory has suffered immensely, my ability to focus, intelligence, all are fried and dried away into this pathetic state of living I'm in currently. My creativity has gone down the gutter, I never write or draw anymore, and I'm terrified of losing the skills I worked so hard to obtain.

Is this normal at all, or is it too late? Will this ever balance out or will I be like this forever? At this point, I've been seriously considering halting injections. I'm less than a year in and already falling apart.

Not sure if this helps but when I started hrt for MTF transition I had a similar experience.  I felt like my brain had been replaced with cotton wool.  My endo and I cut back the dosage and all was good.  Fortunately this was ok as I had started to identify as non binary.  Having said this there are a number of folk who have transitioned who said that your  brain just takes time to adjust to the different hormonal mix and the cotton wool phase is quite normal.

Remember you can stop, slow it down, or stay on your current dosage.  Don't feel compelled to race ahead if it is causing you discomfort, distress or alarm.

If you have any doubt recommend that you talk to your endo.

Safe travels

Aisla

I agree with Aisla.  Perhaps speaking to your doctor about cutting back your dosage is in order.

I'm just curious why you feel that it's the testosterone causing these issues? 

Are you taking any other medications besides T? Does your doc monitor your E levels? Estrogen is very important for the mental and physical health of males.

Quote from: Aisla on October 13, 2014, 02:20:39 AM
Not sure if this helps but when I started hrt for MTF transition I had a similar experience.  I felt like my brain had been replaced with cotton wool.  My endo and I cut back the dosage and all was good.  Fortunately this was ok as I had started to identify as non binary.  Having said this there are a number of folk who have transitioned who said that your  brain just takes time to adjust to the different hormonal mix and the cotton wool phase is quite normal.

Remember you can stop, slow it down, or stay on your current dosage.  Don't feel compelled to race ahead if it is causing you discomfort, distress or alarm.

If you have any doubt recommend that you talk to your endo.

Safe travels

Aisla

Aisla,

The part I bolded is very useful to hear.  I started T on 9/9/14 and my brain feels quite clouded.  I figured it was about it getting used to the change.  That is my hope. 

I started on one-quarter of what is typically the "full dose", and I am slowly ramping up.

T effects the thyroid metabolism which can have a dramatic cognitive effect. If you are taking any DHT blockers to save your hair, they can have a significant cognitive effect as well.

Well I'm not looking forward to this phase of transition. I already have cotton brain for one/two weeks per month when my female hormones are fluctuating.

Sorry that I can't help, ZombirGears. I'll have to agree that backing off your dosage a little bit is a good idea if this is distressing you so much. You're not the first transman I've seen in distress about losing his creativity when starting T.

I have a certain amount of skepticism that T, by itself, without other things going on, has actually ruined your mental functioning. I have heard minor things like T changing someone's ability to articulate their feelings or made them "less sharp" or "wooly" and that kind of thing. It is in no way universal. But what you describe sounds quite profound and more than a period of depression or something.  I think that contacting your doctor ASAP is very important. There is no reason that a trans person must take hormones or most take a certain dose of them. Perhaps a non-hormone approach would suit you better or perhaps you are actually taking too large a dose, you may be toxic on T (dose itself can't figure who might be toxic).

The idea of increasing ADD is possible. Some people experience fatigue initially. There are potentially serious side effects such as stroke on T so talking to a doctor is essential. Another thing to check on is thyroid function. Low thyroid has negative effects on mental function and T may have effected something that was a borderline low function. I know several guys who were prevented from starting T until their thyroid function tested normal.

Aisla, normally t would not stop the production of estrogen, even post-hysto. T converts back and a little of that is apparently important. Normally trans guys are not prescribed "E blockers".

Note that testosterone actually has been used to prevent dementia.


--Jay

I've noticed the opposite. I started t in my thesis year when I was staring down a 100 page thesis and it didnt hamper me at all. I'm also working on publishing several articles and a book,  so if t dulls creative thought I'm skeptical. I would recommend talking to your doctor. It could be a hormone imbalance or something else going on.

Keep us updated man, and I hope you feel better soon. 

Yes! My friend and I rant about this every once and a while - he is trans as well. Since starting T I feel like I've become much more forgetful and sometimes completely scatter-brained. However I also believe the other medication that I take (lamictal) is a contributing factor as well.

Quote from: aleon515 on October 14, 2014, 02:18:26 AM
Another thing to check on is thyroid function. Low thyroid has negative effects on mental function and T may have effected something that was a borderline low function. I know several guys who were prevented from starting T until their thyroid function tested normal.

Hi Jay, so if I had hypothyroidism T would make it worse?  My doctor never questioned it for some reason before giving me T despite my previous bloodwork showing the low thyroid levels.

I am also in a situation of having a very bad short term memory loss. (This was before T as well) How do I know what causes it?

Yeah, my PA is very careful re: thyroid, and I did look this up as well. She kept a guy from going on T until she stabilized his levels, which happened. It wouldn't *necessarily* be true. But it can just push it over, so I would ask for a complete thyroid level test. There is a partial one, perhaps more of a screening, that wouldn't tell everything. But it's what comes to my mind anyway if someone said they had profound cognitive deterioration. T just does not cause that. He'd have to have a medical condition that got worse or noticeable.

I think it changes the hormones in your body so depending on your age, it could make you feel really different than you felt before, which takes getting used to. That much I'd think is true.

Makipu not sure how to find out what would cause something like that. But thyroid is a good place to start.

--Jay

Quote from: makipu on October 14, 2014, 01:20:50 PM
Hi Jay, so if I had hypothyroidism T would make it worse?  My doctor never questioned it for some reason before giving me T despite my previous bloodwork showing the low thyroid levels.

I am also in a situation of having a very bad short term memory loss. (This was before T as well) How do I know what causes it?

I've experienced the opposite. Whether it's the massive stress reduction from top surgery and enough time on T that I'm truly starting to look and feel "right", directly chemical in nature from the T itself, or both, I don't know. But it's clear T hasn't wrecked my brain. My short term memory isn't nearly as crappy (another one diagnosed with ADHD here), I'm as or more creative, and have noticed an increased ability to think things through strategically. I won't exactly be entering and dominating chess tournaments, but it's an improvement - so I'd hesitate to think T would cause cognitive deterioration.

Thyroid and possibly other bloodwork sounds like a smart idea in case this isn't a passing adjustment period. Some vitamin deficiencies can cause memory problems too. Hope you can get the issue diagnosed and sorted soon.

Quote from: blink on October 15, 2014, 09:14:40 AM
I've experienced the opposite. Whether it's the massive stress reduction from top surgery and enough time on T that I'm truly starting to look and feel "right", directly chemical in nature from the T itself, or both, I don't know. But it's clear T hasn't wrecked my brain. My short term memory isn't nearly as crappy (another one diagnosed with ADHD here), I'm as or more creative, and have noticed an increased ability to think things through strategically. I won't exactly be entering and dominating chess tournaments, but it's an improvement - so I'd hesitate to think T would cause cognitive deterioration.

Thyroid and possibly other bloodwork sounds like a smart idea in case this isn't a passing adjustment period. Some vitamin deficiencies can cause memory problems too. Hope you can get the issue diagnosed and sorted soon.

I think my memory is just a little bit better, though nothing that great.

I suppose vitamin deficiencies are possible but unless your diet is really horrible (mostly junk food) it isn't likely. But then again a lot of college guys are reading this. I ate pretty bad as a college student.

--Jay