I apologize for this post before I start.   I just have no one to talk to other than the people on this forum.   Sometimes I just feel so depressed that I really want to stop existing.  I just feel so sad and depressed with life.  Besides the stress from transitioning- which the dirty looks and nasty comments from people I get ever day add to- I just feel illlequipped to live in this world.   I'm just a miserable excuse of a person.   And as much as I want to change and improve my life, sometimes I doubt I can make it through it.  Even simple things like interacting with other people and working I suck at.  Maybe I'm having a bad day st wirk today, but these feelings are often here.  Feeling sad, inferior,  stressed and it carries on into the next day.   I'm not saying every day is bad, and I may laugh about this message the next day, but sometimes I just want to be gone.   To not exist and worry about the next day.   I'm sick of being the unhappy, stressed and depressed weirdo that I am and can be.  My own worst enemy is often me. I want my life to be better and me a more happier person with life and the person I am.  Transitioning is just a step to that, not the complete journey.   But i don't know. sometimes I just want it all to be over.  Sometimes I feel overall happiness is a dream that won't come true.  And if that's the case, why continue on when you are never going to get where you want to be.   I'm not quitting life, but sometimes I want to.

Thanks for listening.   It's a silly post but i needed to talk to someone and you guys are pretty much all I have.  I'll probably feel better later on today,  but this really helped and prevented me from crying in my car.   Thanks.

Sweetheart, you are not any of those things. You are one of my most cherished friends. A girl with an incredibly beautiful heart who I admire. You know you can always message me when you're feeling down, don't you? Anytime, and I will listen to whatever is on your mind and try to help in any way I can. I wish we didn't live so far apart. I'd come give you a big hug and we could hang out a little bit after work, maybe. I'd do my best to cheer you up. *smiles and hugs*

Hugs. There's no denying life can suck sometimes, but as you've realised yourself that's often how we frame it, one bad day at work can effect our whole mood. The important thing is to not let it get you down. What is the one thing that you can realistically do right now that will make you feel a bit happier or lift your spirits? Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment because it really sounds like you need to talk with them. Take care, hon.

I don't know.  I'm okay and not planning on self harming,  but sometimes it's like why not?   Do you have anything to look forward to?   Maybe hopes, but nothing definite.  I'm just feeling like life isn't going to get better.   I move forward in hopes that our will,  but it's not really in the cards.  And while I'm not always this down,  I'm not happy with how my life is.  I need a change.   It can't keep going on the same way.  I just wish I could be a normal person and have a normal life.  I don't get why life has to be so hard for me and why i cant fubction in ut. Being transgender takes its toll on you as does transitioning but i'm a screw up in all aspects of it. And I see a therapist already.  It won't change the fact that I have suicidal thoughts or that people see me as a weirdo screwup which I can be.

Honestly,  I shouldn't complain.  It could be worse.  I'm just tired I'd having to be me and living my life at times.  I don't care for myself and it makes the whole transition and life in general harder when I have so much negative feelings going on.  But I'll survive.   I'll have some Chinese tonight to cheer myself up and I get a shot of estrogen tomorrow which will hopefully help improve my mood by boosting my hormone levels.  I'll continue on and face another day.  Just hope I'll one day get to live a life that's worth living and that I'll find some peace with myself.

Thanks for listening.  It really means something to me that there are people taking the time to listen to me or care enough to reach out to me. It's sort of pathetic that the only people I can really talk to is on the Internet.   Says a lot about me doesn't it?

love Chinese, especially from a small family owned hole in a wall with egg roles rice and noodles . not with that yuppie crap of broccoli and what healthy vegetable they can think of. sorry for the rant I get triggered by yuppie chop suey

Wow,


I felt like that yesterday.  Different reason: My wife and I are tearing each other up.  Love to deep to be apart and differences to great to stay togather.  No hope.  Just Pain

Then today, hope sprang from a last ditch effort.  It's a new day.

Hang in there LTL.  One day, it will be there for you.

Hugs girl,

Jennifer

I feel you in the lost thoughts.  Some days it seems like one can go over and above, yet fall short.  Some other days can give you a pick me up.  The situations you are dealing with are mostly individual, yet very real to so many.  The best analogy I have ever found was a butterfly... As we grow up we become awkward or lonely with a dash of body dysphoria for good measure  After a time we hit a point of crawling into our shell, a cocoon so to speak just to hide away from pain we feel everyday.  At some point, that shell opens, and the true beauty of who we are inside comes out.  Transition is not a cure, it is only a way to help us grow.

I became a statistic years ago upon my first attempt... I hit those dark times more than once.

As one of my quotes states... "One of the bravest things I have ever done was continue to live when all I wanted to do was die"

or as a finale...

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute.

We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

And the human race is filled with passion.

Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits,

and necessary to sustain life.

But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

To quote from Whitman: "O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life?

Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity.

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.

What will your verse be?"

-Professor Keating in "Dead Poets Society" as played by Robin Williams, (1989) 

I totally hear you on all this LTL, I have had like the exact same thoughts myself... Like, I consider myself smart and all yet have said several times, sometimes to other people, that I feel ill-equiped to live, like, I am missing something that everyone else just instinctively has or does. I told someone once that I felt like I should be living in medieval times, when things were simpler.

Things got so bad for me in April that I even wondered why haven't I ever thought of self harm or suicide before, I mean, I've been depressed for a very long time and I guess I was just sorta shocked that the thought never occurred to me until then. I didn't do it then and haven't yet but still sometimes think, wouldn't it be nice to finally have to stop struggling thru everything, thru life? I too keep moving forward, hoping one day things will get better, life will get easier, one day I will be finally be able to thrive like everyone else, but I don't really believe that but at the same time, you don't know if you don't try.

When I hear people say things like, I am a full time worker, student and mother of 3 and everything is going great, they look great, everythings taken care of, etc and I just think like how?  . I can't help but compare myself to them, part time worker, part time student and yet nothings great, everything's messed up and a struggle, and end up feeling totally inferior and messed up because I can't be like that.

To try to leave things on a more upbeat note I will say this. I spoke to someone about this today, and while it doesn't make me feel any better, maybe it will help you or someone else. Just because on the outside everything seems to be going great for some people, doesn't mean it necessarily is. People hide things like this at all costs usually so just because it seems like things are great and they say everythings awesome, it isn't always true; you just don't know whats going on behind the scenes, the things they have hidden. He went on to say that cis people naturally have it easier than us because everythings in balance, everything matches what it should be, whilst we have to struggle with this and it just makes everything else all that more difficult.

Anyways LTL, lets keep that hope alive that things will get better for both of us and lets see what happens <3

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and sharing your feelings as well.  Like I imagined I feel a bit better today.   After my estradiol injection this morning I actually feel good.   I've been going a little crazy since I started the injections as my emotions are all over the place.   Still these feelings are longterm thoughts that I have been having. I just need some positive changes to happen in my life. I'm ready for a change.   I just want a normal and happy life overall.  I don't want to be this unhappy weirdo any more.   I want to be a normal person.   A normal girl.   With a normal life.  I crave or so bad and yet I have to face the fact that I am not normal and a life like that is probably more difficult to obtain than I hope.   When I realize that,  I feel like it's not worth continuing with life.   But i have hope that I will one day I'll be living a normal life and will be happy.  that will keep me around for now. 

I feel like I was a lot like you about 10 years ago. Things got really bad for me for a  time. One of the things I learned is there is no relief in giving up. SI, suicidal behavior and that sort of stuff doesn't provide the relief it seems like it can. It's all a very short term solution. Things do get better. Part of what you may need to learn is how to navigate the moodiness of female hormones. It sucks sometimes

I have been practicing gratitude. Big changes come but ultimately much of life remains the same and if you are waiting for the big changes to bring happiness you can get really disappointed. Happiness comes in all sorts of small things like chinese food and rainbows and a favorite song. Focusing on those moments can help. It doesn't solve things but it can help.

I'd say that I feel like that constantly. My mood tends to be more outwardly neutral because that's just the best I can do. The other 25% of the time though I just feel hate on a level that makes Hitler look like Mr Rodgers. Right now it's the latter. I went to the doctors office and it just really hit home that I will be paying tens of thousands to transition into something that my body can't maintain on its own. Not to mention all of these new hoops that I will be jumping through daily. I'll never be convinced of my desired gender. And the permanent sterility? Oh what fun. And the way people just flaunt their happy friggin lives in front of me is just the dagger. Moms with kids, girls at my school who have EVERYTHING, etc. They simply torment me by rubbing everything unattainable in my face. I would love to watch their world burn and their emotions to be replaced with nothing but despair and pain. What's sadly appealing is that is more realistic and cheaper than trying to become a woman.

I totally understand the jealousy thing, but I can't say I begrudge or feel unhappy for other people.  I'm not interested in making other people sad and to feel my pain.  I just want to no longer feel pain and be normal with a normal life like others.  But realizing it is out of reach can be really hard.  Maybe things will change, but still, I can never have children and it;s unlikely I'll ever have a family.  Even if I go through and fix some of my issues, there are things that are out of reach and difficult as a transwoman.  I just want normalcy.

Anyway, I think I'm at a breaking point.  I'm realizing that I really can't go on like this for much longer.  IT's getting closer to the point where I finalize my transition.  For a while, I've doubted that I would ever get the courage to do it, but it really feels like my fate now.  Even if it is hard, I'm going to get there and sooner than I thought.  I'm getting way too depressed and sad keep the status quo.  I want to be me.  That's normal to me even if it's weird for everyone.  I want to feel right and no longer out of place.  It's like everyday I'm expected to put on  a costume and play a role, but it kills me to do it and i have no idea how to even perform.  Maybe once I fully transition I'll still be a weird and socially awkward person, but at least I'll be myself.  I'm getting tired of thinking about what people will think or say about my appearance and behaviour.  I just want to be mmyself and fit in while doing so.  I need to do this, just wish I couldd work up the courage and strength to do this now as I'm really sick of being depressed over this.  But it's better to take the risk than allow the depression to increase, so I know I need to do this soon and can't allow myself to not be fulltime after my 26th birthday in Febuary.  I need to do it before then.  But I just wish there was a gurantee that I will be accepted as female and that things will get more comfortable/easier for me, resulting for once in a happy life.  Nonetheless, I got to take the plunge soon.

But here is thing I've never admitted aloud before (and I'm afraid that it will cause people to think differently of me), I'm afraid that my transition will fail.  That I won't be able to pass and be accepted as a woman, that I'll make myself seem even more weird to people which could result in being ostracized, that my hopes and dreams will never come true.  What if things get worse because of this?  If that is true, I don't know if I could handle that.  It's a huge risk to take and I've been holding off for so long because I'm afraid to take the risk and learn that the one thing I've always wished for, the thing that I've always imagined would give me the life I want, the thing that would finally make me feel comfortable and happy with myself,  that my biggest wish and one thing I've always wanted since I was a kid will result in failure.  Because I this fear, I've held out longer than I wanted to in hopes that I will pass and not have to have as many difficulties that other transwomen have.   But if I fail, I feel like my life is over and would rather be dead than having to live life as a man or a miserable transwoman.  What if my life ends at the age of 25 all because of this?  I'm afraid.  Pure and simple. 

Thanks for listening and allow me to ramble.  It really helps to voice out these feelings and not keep it bottled up.  This forum and the people here means a lot to me.  Thank you.

*gently takes your hand*

Sis, it's normal to be scared, but I do genuinely think you will pass and successfully fit in with the other girls. You're beautiful and you have a feminine personality. I think the way you express yourself in your writing has a distinctly female quality to it. I think all your dreams are going to come true. I think you're going to find happiness. And then I think you'll look back on this time and wonder why you ever doubted yourself. That's what I really think, sweetie.

Mattie, by the tone of your posts... whatever happens with your transition couldn't make you feel much worse than you already are feeling right now.

It sounds to me like the root of it is that you're scared of losing hope. A way out. Like you've built the idea of a successful transition into this magic bullet which will suddenly make everything okay, and all you have to do is go through with it to fix the way you feel others see you. So you have this notion that it could fail. That no matter what you do, how far you go, or whatever you try... there's a chance it won't make everything okay.

Forgive my bluntness, but I can't help feeling that you're placing a heck of a lot of hope or expectation into what transitioning is going to achieve, or what you want it to achieve. And doing so scares you witless that it won't be enough, because you have no idea where to turn if it isn't. I can't help feeling that your biggest fear isn't that you won't be happy with yourself, but that the rest of the world won't be happy with you. I know how hard it is for you, and how much the way others perceive you matters to you. I can totally see where this fear comes from.

But Mattie, a lot of the time the way people are treated is a reflection of how they treat themselves. Not the other way around. Like ripples in a pond from an epicentre of self-accomplishment. Maybe that's the way to start thinking. Rather than the idea of people accepting you as you making you feel like you, and therefore happier... maybe it needs to be the other way around. Maybe a way to go is to see transition as a gateway into allowing you to express yourself free from dysphoria and the masks we wear when forced to be someone we're not.

Maybe see transition as giving you the tools to make a better life for yourself, rather than something which may or may not give you one out of the box. It would be the best thing in the world if it did, and I hope that for you so much. But sweetie, the self-confidence and self-actualisation which will allow you to forge your way in life has to come from a place transition might not touch. Your heart. That is quite a different kind of transition, and one you may have to undergo separately.

Rather than allowing the world to change your view of yourself, you have to change your own world by how you view yourself, you know? Be proactive, not reactive. Transition for you, and how you want to feel. Not for how you hope everyone else will feel. You deal with that from a place of confidence within yourself. Confidence built from the feelings of being true to yourself. Then, no matter what happens, it can't fail.

*extra big hug* I wish so much I could tell you that this fear will go away, I really do. You don't deserve to feel like this, Mattie.

I was afraid.  I had nothing to fear.  I thought there were mountains but in reality, there were only bumps that one can step over.  I made it.

You are far better looking than I.  You are far more feminine than I.  You write as a woman. You are smart. Everything I can see says you are, already, a woman.  You lack experience.

In an earlier post, I wrote that some mornings, when I look in my rear view mirror to back out of my drive on my way to work, I see me, Jennifer; and I stop, and I cry for joy.  You need to know that feeling. 

It's your time. There will be problems.  However, one day you will know that feeling. You will succeed.

Hugs,

Jen

I do certainly have a lot of hope and perhaps have romanticized my potential future, but after a life of dysphoria holding me back, its so freeing to think of a time when it won't be there.  Still, I need to move past the idea that it will melt away and everything will be perfect.  I bet going fulltime will disrupt a lot and make things worse for the short term.  But the idea of everything that could come after that is exciting and worth going through some difficulties. For once not living a life that feels fake and uncomfortable.  What I would give for it.  Its just I'm afraid  that the reality is further from that. Its one thing for things not to be perfect and struggles to still exist-transition can only help solve one problem, no matter how big it is- and another for my transition to be a disaster. Truth be told, I don't want to be seen or treated like a man in a dress. If this is the way people see me and my transition, its hard for me to have confidence.  Maybe that's something I can't escape? And the family issues will only get worse as I already fear that I may have to leave my home once I do go fulltime(we'll see). I don't like giving other people so much power over my happiness but it does impact me and makes everything complicated. If I didn't care what they thought, my transition would have been done already.  So failure to be able to live like a normal girl or to be accepted in my society will have a big impact on me whether it should or not.  That won't change anytime soon.  The judgemental stares and comments that I already receive even when I dress as a guy makes me wonder how things will be when I take the leap and it terrifies me.  That's why I want to be as passable as possible, for me, when I start.

In reality, I'm not expecting perfection.  I just want a life free of dysphoria where I can be myself.  Where I can walk out of the house and not feel like a walking freak.  That i can finally live and develop a life that i like withiut feeling held back in so many aspects because of the fact im trans.  To be a normal girl, a nirmal person. But I'm scared that even this may be out of my reach.  After all, I feel awkward even allowing myself to be called a woman.  In realiiy, as much as I want to be seen as a girl and want to live as one, I can't help but feel like a don't deserve the title as a transexual. That I'll never be the same as cis girls and will always just be the gay guy who desperately wishes to be a girl and oddly identifies as one no matter how hard i tried to change it.  How I wish gender in society didn't exist as it creates a lot of difficulties for those not us who don't fit in their prearranged box.  But even though I feel inferior to ciswomen and have many fears,  I know that i have to do this for my own happiness, no matter how uncertain the outcome.  Its just hard to initially get through this stage, but the more I hold myself back, the more I realize we just have to go through an awkward and difficult transition, no matter how much we want to avoid it.  And I realize now that I can't prevent it, only delay it.  At this point, the delay is getting close to expire, but making the move to do that is killing me with fear and uncertainty.  And I can't get past this.

Again, thanks to everyone who has commented and read this.  Keeping all this in everyday sucks and releasing it is very therapeutic.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 23, 2014, 07:29:29 AM
In realiiy, as much as I want to be seen as a girl and want to live as one, I can't help but feel like a don't deserve the title as a transexual. That I'll never be the same as cis girls and will always just be the gay guy who desperately wishes to be a girl and oddly identifies as one no matter how hard i tried to change it.

Dear sister, I was once more-or-less that gay guy who desperately wished to be a girl.  It will come, truly.  But perhaps your mind is trying to transition faster than your body will allow, and you are putting yourself under serious and unnecessary stress.

You've not explained why you feel that you might "be seen or treated like a man in a dress", while you go on to talk about "The judgemental stares and comments that I already receive even when I dress as a guy."   You seem to be implying that you are in some in-between point, and if so, you're heading in the right direction. 

But I think it's utterly unnecessary to make statements like you "don't deserve the title as a transexual."  If you want to be a girl or live like one, that's all you need.  There is no entry exam for this.  You don't need to be a particular size, shape, age or IQ.  Also, let's not forget that cis girls come in many odd and varied permutations, some of which are far from stupid western idealised conceptions of femininity.  Stop caring so much.  Try to live who you are.

Hugs, lots of them.
Julia

As far as your looks and ability to pass based on them, I think you're being far too hard on yourself, sweetie. I haven't even seen a recent photo of you, but the last ones I did see, you were already looking prettier than a ton of cis girls.

I wish I could say something a bit more reassuring, but well, things will feel a bit awkward in the beginning as you first present as a woman in your daily life. You will feel anxious about it in the beginning, but you just have to keep pushing through that. It will eventually pass. In time, those nervous and awkward feelings will fade away and you will gain confidence. As you gain confidence, you will pass more and more. Things are going to be alright, and you are going to have that happy life as the woman you are. Don't ever think you don't deserve that, or that you're somehow lesser than the girls who were born with it. You've earned this, sis. This is what you've worked toward for so long. Don't you ever think it isn't what you deserve.

*hugs you tight*

Quote from: learningtolive on October 23, 2014, 07:29:29 AM
I do certainly have a lot of hope and perhaps have romanticized my potential future, but after a life of dysphoria holding me back, its so freeing to think of a time when it won't be there.  Still, I need to move past the idea that it will melt away and everything will be perfect.  I bet going fulltime will disrupt a lot and make things worse for the short term.  But the idea of everything that could come after that is exciting and worth going through some difficulties. For once not living a life that feels fake and uncomfortable.  What I would give for it.  Its just I'm afraid  that the reality is further from that. Its one thing for things not to be perfect and struggles to still exist-transition can only help solve one problem, no matter how big it is- and another for my transition to be a disaster. Truth be told, I don't want to be seen or treated like a man in a dress. If this is the way people see me and my transition, its hard for me to have confidence.  Maybe that's something I can't escape? And the family issues will only get worse as I already fear that I may have to leave my home once I do go fulltime(we'll see). I don't like giving other people so much power over my happiness but it does impact me and makes everything complicated. If I didn't care what they thought, my transition would have been done already.  So failure to be able to live like a normal girl or to be accepted in my society will have a big impact on me whether it should or not.  That won't change anytime soon.  The judgemental stares and comments that I already receive even when I dress as a guy makes me wonder how things will be when I take the leap and it terrifies me.  That's why I want to be as passable as possible, for me, when I start.

In reality, I'm not expecting perfection.  I just want a life free of dysphoria where I can be myself.  Where I can walk out of the house and not feel like a walking freak.  That i can finally live and develop a life that i like withiut feeling held back in so many aspects because of the fact im trans.  To be a normal girl, a nirmal person. But I'm scared that even this may be out of my reach.  After all, I feel awkward even allowing myself to be called a woman.  In realiiy, as much as I want to be seen as a girl and want to live as one, I can't help but feel like a don't deserve the title as a transexual. That I'll never be the same as cis girls and will always just be the gay guy who desperately wishes to be a girl and oddly identifies as one no matter how hard i tried to change it.  How I wish gender in society didn't exist as it creates a lot of difficulties for those not us who don't fit in their prearranged box.  But even though I feel inferior to ciswomen and have many fears,  I know that i have to do this for my own happiness, no matter how uncertain the outcome.  Its just hard to initially get through this stage, but the more I hold myself back, the more I realize we just have to go through an awkward and difficult transition, no matter how much we want to avoid it.  And I realize now that I can't prevent it, only delay it.  At this point, the delay is getting close to expire, but making the move to do that is killing me with fear and uncertainty.  And I can't get past this.

Again, thanks to everyone who has commented and read this.  Keeping all this in everyday sucks and releasing it is very therapeutic.

Mattie, the part in bold is what's holding you back, sweetie. Nothing to do with how the world sees you. Its how you see yourself. While ever you feel like that, then nothing will ever be enough, in your eyes.

Gandhi had it right when he said: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

That's what you have to do. In order to change your world, you first have to accept who you are. And believe in who you are.

If you struggle to believe in yourself, that makes your mind automatically question how anyone else can believe in you. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Hi LTL (Mattie)
I joinded up here on the 1st April 13 and you one week later on the 8th. Since you were quite a prolific writer, I got quite involved in your story and our paths crossed many, many times. Today, I have to say that your pain makes me pain for you.

I also can't help but notice some of the people who have reacted on this thread, Sephirah as insightful as ever, Julia and Jenny, very well advanced in transitions started much later in life. As you are well aware, it is also my own case.

Apart from the fact that we have all transitioned relatively late compared to you, another  thing Julia, Jenny and I share is that we started our transitions from positions of relative strenght, with the mental and material means to be able to handle the difficulities that transitioning tends to throw at you. In my own case, it has cost me two jobs so I'm now setting up my own business, in partnership with a some other people who crossed my path over the last couple of years. They believe in me because in spite of the real setbacks I suffered, I still have a level of self belief that others feel immediately. That self belief comes from the experience of life, doing things, succeeding often, failing sometimes but always learning. BTW, the  most important part of that phrase is  "doing things" as end of the day, the only thing that really counts is what we do.

Today, I see you placing all your hopes for life in transition but once you have transitioned, believe me, most aspects of your life will continue pretty much as before. For example, as someone who has recently gone through GRS, the answer I give to people who ask me what has changed is that it makes peeing considerably more complicated    Of course I'm being flippant but there is actually some truth to it as on a very practical level, that really is the biggest change I experience day to day compared to before.

As it happens I am nevertheless very happy with my transition and with my GRS, all the more so as I guess I never obsessed about either, simply seeing  them as means to be more authentically me ie. presenting to the world in a manner which better fits with the person I felt I was.   While we all experience our GID differently , mine had been with me for as long as I can remember, never far from the surface no matter how hard I tried to suppress it. In spite of this I never allowed it to monopolize my existence  and I guess I can say, like Jenny and Julia, that it's because I invested as much, if not more, in other dimensions of my life, that I'm still in a very good place in spite of the trauma I recently went through at work.

I know I've said this to you before and you may still not be ready to hear it but everything you write reinforces my belief that you first need to build up your self confidence by getting your professional life really on track. That would put you on a far more solid footing to manage your transition when you are sure you can handle it. Another way of expressing this is something I took on board from my Dad. He told me that one of the secrets to a fullfilling existence was to always make the best of whatever situation you found yourself in, no matter how crappy it was. He said that by doing this , you will always take something positive out of it for yourself. By the way, this way of thinking is what allowed me to finish my previous job on a high on spite of suffering one of the worst betrayals I have ever experienced. 

Today you are obviously not very happy with your situation and you can brood on that to the point of implosion or you can focus your energy on making the best of what you have. I firmly beleive you have everything to gain by chosing the latter approach.

Hugs and best wishes.
Donna