Step one - self-castration (mostly to get down testosterone production).
Then, if i didn't die of blood loss or something else during step one, i would probably kill my self during one of my blackest periods. I know because i have been there a lot, and the only thing keeping me alive was the promise that i would get HRT if i only pretended to be sane.

Quote from: ketti on September 30, 2007, 07:38:53 AM
Step one - self-castration (mostly to get down testosterone production).
Then, if i didn't die of blood loss or something else during step one, i would probably kill my self during one of my blackest periods. I know because i have been there a lot, and the only thing keeping me alive was the promise that i would get HRT if i only pretended to be sane.

I know someone who did that and nearly died.....not a good idea.....anti - androgens is a better idea..

I feel trapped sometimes.  I'm the type that can't stand being trapped, and will do any desperate thing to get out.  I would do the hrt.  If no one would give it to me, I would get it myself.  But, that's me.

*discaimer*  Don't try this at home, kids.

When I was younger, SRS was not available and I didn't even know about HRT, so I went into denial. I guess denial serves a purpose as it kept me from becoming suicidal over my GID.

Quote from: melissa90299 on October 03, 2007, 10:03:27 AM
When I was younger, SRS was not available and I didn't even know about HRT, so I went into denial. I guess denial serves a purpose as it kept me from becoming suicidal over my GID.

Denial is a very hard thing to do and I don't know how folk do it........when I was a lot younger I didn't know how to get HRT either but I used to steal or take girlfriends birth control pills.....

I don't remember how depressed I was becoming but it was gradually building up and getting worse. By 2000 I was getting to a very high level of depression but not suicidal.

I'd feel very depressed & maybe even suicidal

Quote from: Pia on October 04, 2007, 06:03:20 AM
I'd feel very depressed & maybe even suicidal

Me too.

BEEN there even when I couldn't get an HRT letter at 3 months... 6 months... 9 months...

And had no idea if or when it was coming, as all my therapist ever said to me was, "I'll just FEEL it when you're ready."

~Kate~

Quote from: Pia on October 04, 2007, 06:03:20 AM
I'd feel very depressed & maybe even suicidal

What really to got me was the NHS psichiatrists in London, U.K denying me a referral for GRS without providing an explanation. I have complied with both the HBSOC and all protocols and have completed 5 years RLT. I have not been given an explanation as to why this was refused even with me asking them many times........

Do I feel suicidal.....on many occasions.....am I going to fight these people...you bet...

Wishing to die young.

Castrating myself, and if I lived past that.. probably taking a gun to my head.

Couldn't bear that, I already went through denial.

Michelle

im on hrt, but i dont know when if ever ill get surgery, the local pct im in funds two surgeries a year, and as im not even at the gic, thats 5 years to start of list, and apparently, by figures, 23 years surgical waiting list... so for nhs, id say never. privately? im still in university, with no parents, and no money. so its also looking damn unlikely.
say, how do you say f***ed in spanish?
R

Quote from: Rachael on October 07, 2007, 03:09:10 AM
im on hrt, but i dont know when if ever ill get surgery, the local pct im in funds two surgeries a year, and as im not even at the gic, thats 5 years to start of list, and apparently, by figures, 23 years surgical waiting list... so for nhs, id say never. privately? im still in university, with no parents, and no money. so its also looking damn unlikely.
say, how do you say f***ed in spanish?
R

I don't think there is any millage ...going through the NHS GIC system which was horrendous for me and I lost 6 years of my life, wasted.......since quitting that awful system I have made far more progress and have two different types of surgery lined up (not GRS but still NHS).....

I really hope you don't suffer like I amd many others have through the NHS GIC system Rachael.....

Quote from: Nero on September 26, 2007, 06:05:39 PM
Good evening guys and dolls.

How would you feel if you couldn't have HRT and surgery and didn't know when you'd ever be able to do it or even IF you'd ever be able to do it? And you couldn't pass without HRT. And you're just stuck.
You have no control over your life, because you have no control over your body and when or IF it ever gets well.
How would you feel seriously?

Sappy, optimistic BS not appreciated. No 'tips' or 'advice' please. Just how YOU would feel.

i wouldn't feel too good about it, really. but i'm not you. you said earlier that you weren't really sure if you even wanted HRT. has that changed?

Quote from: Rachael on October 07, 2007, 03:09:10 AM
im on hrt, but i dont know when if ever ill get surgery, the local pct im in funds two surgeries a year, and as im not even at the gic, thats 5 years to start of list, and apparently, by figures, 23 years surgical waiting list... so for nhs, id say never. privately? im still in university, with no parents, and no money. so its also looking damn unlikely.
say, how do you say f***ed in spanish?
R

student loans!

im going to suffer, as i cant afford to NOT...
student loans? the one that barely covers my house rent and thats about it? i dont think so...
although a bit of a tradgedy atm might allow me some milage sadly
R

Quote from: Rachael on October 09, 2007, 02:37:42 AM
im going to suffer, as i cant afford to NOT...
student loans? the one that barely covers my house rent and thats about it? i dont think so...
although a bit of a tradgedy atm might allow me some milage sadly
R

I'm in a similar position to you  financially Rachael but the U.K GIC system is bad news:
http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?nhsgidsp&1

I just work with my GP and PCT ...no GIC anymore....and things are working out for me much better now..

i cant get squat in my pct, so meh, im fubared till i finish uni and move basically...
R

Quote from: Rachael on October 09, 2007, 04:18:55 PM
i cant get squat in my pct, so meh, im fubared till i finish uni and move basically...
R

Sorry, I didn't understand that?

Quote from: Ell on October 08, 2007, 02:37:55 PM

Quote from: Nero on September 26, 2007, 06:05:39 PM
Good evening guys and dolls.

How would you feel if you couldn't have HRT and surgery and didn't know when you'd ever be able to do it or even IF you'd ever be able to do it? And you couldn't pass without HRT. And you're just stuck.
You have no control over your life, because you have no control over your body and when or IF it ever gets well.
How would you feel seriously?

Sappy, optimistic BS not appreciated. No 'tips' or 'advice' please. Just how YOU would feel.

i wouldn't feel too good about it, really. but i'm not you. you said earlier that you weren't really sure if you even wanted HRT. has that changed?

It's not changed. I've always known it was necessary for me to EVER pass at all. My physical dysphoria is breasts and bleeding. I'm not at all distressed by my lack of body hair and such. If everyone I passed on the street knew I was a man, I'd be content with just a masectomy and cessation of bleeding. But they don't.
Of course, I'd probably feel differently if my body were more feminine. My figure (save my tits) is pretty male. I'm well made, really no different than natal men my size.
A masectomy would make me feel better. HRT would make me feel better in the sense that people would not see a female when they meet me.
I just want to live my life. After all these years. I'm sick of looking like a woman. I really hate it. It makes me insane, just waiting, hoping, swallowing a dozen pills a day, in the hope I'll improve.
I'm like a caged animal. All I can do is cling to the hope I'll be able to someday change my body as needed.

I moved to BC Canada where health insurance covers SRS.

If I couldn't have got this far I probably would have crashed my car into that rock cut. I had always said that when I had to leave this world it would be in a "blaze of glory!" Luckily I didn't really want to do that and as I have done on so many different occasions I had a confab with the innerself while driving down the darkened highway. She responded, "well, just who is it that wants to die here anyway?" Needles to say it was Cynthia that arrived home all in one piece that night. The other part of me surrendered and is now resting where Cynthia had been trapped for all those years. According to the Ojibwa legend it this is called being *Two Spirited.* That is the term my Soul Mate and I have chosen to describe the phenomena of having one foot in each world. The next day it was Cynthia that left that apartment to go to work.

Cindy