You know, I am a newbie here but have found the stories, advice etc.... so outstanding I am honored to have the opportunity to be with this forum.

Now, that being said, the last two weeks I have been so twisted, trying to completely fly off the handle and what traditionally has been a fairly systematic approach to the mundane, little BS I put up with in my normal (normal?) daily life. But, what has been traditionally manageable in my rage and anxiety has been overwhelming as of late.

Now, before you first recommend therapy, I have a good gender therapist I see regularly, and a psychiatrist I see semi-regularly, lucky to be a person of means. They have no answers, I am not sure of the benefits of therapy to begin with. I have always internalized everything and quite self-sufficient in managing my life; this type of change has been awkward.

But lately, my anxiety over what I would normally consider minutiae and petty crap, and my ability to deal with it is quite overwhelming.

Quick back-story: 53, dealing with GID my whole life, sold out for the sake of high achieving in both professional and personal life, and finally, now as Executive, father, long-term husband, will start HRT in January.

So, geez, what's a girl to do?

i m only 25 and droped twice of school already , and i do not know how the older womens do with having a father place and a husband and some job , i feel when i read theses story that i never could manage such a life and that if i were there , i would just drop everything, but im very selfish ,and i havent been there , i feel like i couldnt live my life with peoples excpecting me to be a father or a husband or in the job , while trying to have a life as a woman ,i do not think i could live with that , and that peoples with such lives as yours seems so courageous to me even tough a part of me feels like its so much for them ,for you (it maybe just projection)  but i have no solution .

I appreciate your thoughts and empathy, but, wtf, arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

We are expanding the business and why can't my employees just do their jobs, why are they so needy, I am not the Wizard of Oz. I get it, some, but, come on people, we have a hierarchy in place, you don't need me to sign off on everything, protocols are in place. I have enough aggravation with all other aspects of the business to allow so many to have their own great lives.

And don't get me started at home (which will always be my true labor of love), but let's get more self-sufficient my wife, and grown-up kids; Dad, husband, therapist, bank friend, counselor etc.... when do I really get to breathe.

And finally, community of charities, this is freakin' volunteer, really....?

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH, when is it my turn.

Sorry for the rant.

its alright to rant

You sound very familiar, if I do say so myself. Rage, anxiety, diving headlong into career so you have something, anything to distract you from the GID. Kids and wife dependent on you, making demands...

Have you had periods in your marriage where you found intimacy difficult with your spouse due to your GID?

Oh yeah, LizMarie, we haven't had PIV sex in as long as I can remember.

We are older, mid- and late 50's (she is older) so sex/intimacy is a lot different now than 20 years ago. We share, and snuggle in the giant king sized marital bed. When I sense she needs a release, it is almost lesbian sex. I get her all warmed up, caressing, working her spots and she explodes. Then out of obligation, the obligation she feels, she will try to complete me, and 7 out of 10 times she cannot, because I can't stay hard for that. I just don't want it or need it. Often she feels it is her fault and I chalk it up to stress, diet, age or a combination of all three and she accepts it. I am jealous of her female needs and results, no doubt.

As for transformation and transition, I love my wife, and life (despite everyone's excessive neediness and lack of self-determination; albeit freakishly overwhelming right now), and just am trying (with help) how to exactly propose it to her.

I have always been allowed to live our lives as I see fit. The life of a professional executive.

Oh mommie!

I got to the point in my life where I realized that I simply couldn't go on as I was.  Something had to give.  So I got out full-time.  Perhaps the only good decision I ever made in my life.  I wish I'd made it long before.  But once I did make it, lots of things changed.  My outlook on life is a lot more positive now.  It's just nice to be me.

Some of our detractors will focus on how selfish we are to transition if it impacts anyone else.  Your question, "when is it my turn" will definitely resonate with people here.  I too put family, my professional career, and my volunteer community activist roles ahead of dealing with my internal struggles.  I hid in shame and repression till I was an emotional wreck.  I stayed so busy I didn't have time to reflect.  I remain too busy and some of my needs in transition (like electrolysis, ouch) just go waiting while I remain happy to get this far. 

If you are starting HRT in January it seems prudent to start talking with the wife you love as soon as possible.  With your busy schedule you might want to make it a date and easing into the subject with a focus on your shared partnership seems to work best.  There are tons of posts here about coming out to spouses and family.

Okay, just stepping out and going FT will not in any way be an option for me; my therapists agree. There will be some significant time of "bearding" prior to any chance of FT. Too many circles, to many that won't understand (as if I really care) and too many that can't comprehend. My life is complicated. Also, given the uncertainty of the effects of HRT on my 53 year old body, it will undoubtedly take some time before that needs to be an option.

Even my recent weight loss in anticipation of HRT has many questioning my health (only from a truly healthy 225 to 200, on it's way to 165).

However, as may computer generated avatar shows, with HRT and a bucket of cash for FFS, I know the reality for change is approaching. There will come a time when hiding the effects of change are no longer easy to hide, then this exec will take a two month sabbatical to FIJI (not exactly), get some surgery and re-present.

But FT, not at my years of life, in this sculpted for your pleasure adult alpha-male body and persona (I am the real professional actor), and the fact that I do not want to present when there is no doubt I pulled it off and my minions have no choice but to accept. It will be like Steve Jobs talking to Apple, "here I am, this is my life, it works, and you should have no fears...questions anyone?"

Quote from: m1anderson on October 16, 2014, 10:48:50 AMSo, geez, what's a girl to do?

Low dose HRT has a good track record of calming those feelings down.  Any chance you could start that sooner than January?

January, was just a target. Kids and SO's home for the holidays, family times (we are the destination for all at XMAS) and a thought, again, not to burden anyone through Thanksgiving through New Year's. Then, the wife, kid's (long distance) and no others. As I've said, I protect them not only from themselves.

As for low dose HRT, all the doctors (Endo and GP), psych and therapist are all lined up, blood tests taken, trigger ready to be pulled as I see fit. I am ready and so are they. But, always a but, I don't want to have the talk until after the holidays. I don't know anymore than anyone else the effects of even low dose HRT will have on my personal body at my age, given how I will react to the meds. Will I want to flaunt my big, perky nips at the XMAS table of 16 as I carve the turkey, and cut the ham, and say...."oh by the way, in case you didn't notice...."?

Are you out to your wife yet?  If not, I'd say that's the next step.  For me, the strain of keeping my developing plans from my wife was much worse than the dysphoria itself.  And coming out lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

My understanding is that low dose goes a long way in improving your mood, but won't necessarily cause too many physical changes.  So it's certainly worth exploring before January.

It's a thought with the wife but we are moving at such high speeds right now I thought it might be best to wait until the backed off work days of the holidays. I am sure though there is enormous merit to the idea of coming out now and low dose, but I fear a spiraling effect on our personal lives that I don't need as a distraction for the expected and traditionally busiest days ahead in the 4th quarter for professional needs. I cannot get sidetracked on personal during this business time of the fiscal year.

But Katie, you probably have the best advice and I certainly appreciate it.

Whenever I see someone saying that we are being selfish, I trot out this quote. And damnit, I tried to handle my family's needs for 35 years and now they go ballistic because I need something for myself? Screw that and them.

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people's lives alone, not interfering with them. Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type. Unselfishness recognises infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it. It is not selfish to think for oneself. A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbour that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him. A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses."


― Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man and Prison Writings

I indeed think for myself and yet my choice is to be selfish in thoughts and desires to be "self-less" in my desire to believe I am being right in my decision to wait until the family is together as one, in a secure, safe and comforting environment.

Oscar Wilde has always exhibited a certain victorian pompeity too reminiscent of a time from a bygone era for me to relate. I started this thread and still feel incredibly overwhelmed in the agony of my recent daily life. Talking and you kind women have helped enormously.

However, given my grown kids live across the country I personally feel best if my journey continues delayed so I have the chance for my kids to say goodbye to the father they always believed they had, and begin the journey anew in a familiar setting with an opportunity to best understand my struggle and the reasons, albeit in a way, very selfishly, to act in a persona for so many years to best provide for them. Selfish, just in a wholly abstract way.

m1anderson, you seem to have things figured out and you've clearly put plenty of thought into your transition.  Transitioning is something which definitely benefits from a dose of careful planning and a logical approach, because it's an emotional, crazy process to go through and does require a certain level of direction.

I'm going to suggest something that probably goes against everything in your entire system.  Don't overthink transition.  It's something that can be planned for, but with the understanding that very little will go according to those plans.  Transition is a square peg which doesn't fit into the round hole of a "normal" life, and we have about as much control over the finer details of the process as King Canute had over the waves.

I get the impression that you're already sensing some frustration over the chaotic nature of gender dysphoria and physical transition, and that kind of chaos and unpredictability doesn't sit well with you; you're comfortable when everything happens how and when you want it to happen, and that's worked extremely well for you in the past.  I'm not entirely sure that transition can be something penciled into the calendar though: you can't control how your body will react, how your mind will react, how your kids and family and colleagues and clients will react (although most of the time we generally have a pretty good idea, but there's many surprises, both good and bad).

I think what I'm trying to say is that by all means, plan for transitioning, but don't try too hard to plan every single detail of transitioning.  Once you relinquish some of that control (which I don't think you have over this process, whether you like it or not), you'll feel far more at ease.

Quote from: Brenda E on October 17, 2014, 08:51:26 AM

I get the impression that you're already sensing some frustration over the chaotic nature of gender dysphoria and physical transition, and that kind of chaos and unpredictability doesn't sit well with you; you're comfortable when everything happens how and when you want it to happen, and that's worked extremely well for you in the past.

I think what I'm trying to say is that by all means, plan for transitioning, but don't try too hard to plan every single detail of transitioning.  Once you relinquish some of that control (which I don't think you have over this process, whether you like it or not), you'll feel far more at ease.

Brenda, if I didn't know any better I would say these comments make you one of my professionals; I love you for this!

This is a root problem we talk about all the time; control and going with the flow in the unpredictable facets of my life. Yes, I have intentionally worked diligently to get to a level where I can analytically design a path for most everything in my personal and professional life; borderline OCD (don't all of us girls have some types of issues?). I have been working very hard to accept that so much of my anxiety is rooted in those few things that I could in no way determine a timeline for results, let alone, success. I fully realize that at my stage of life I really cannot put a timeline on results in my transition and certainly must be patient with progress, or perhaps it may go faster; have no idea.

But yeah, it crushes me not having a hard and fast timeline and I have to have faith in being fluid in the process. In a perfect world I could take one little pill and be done, but.....Yeah, it is so hard!