its time i give my confession. its time to say what i really feel.
i just really know now how truly lonely i am. finally able to cry, its like an endless waterfall that just keeps coming l, and never stopping. finally after all these years of not being able to feel anything, its lije a white hot knife stabbing into your flesh and slowly twisting, forcing me to my knees begging pleading for the pain to stop or just end my life. being sufficated by my past, being sin-bound with no way for forgiveness. forcing me to look at myself through my shadows. realizing i'm just a human who is weak and pathetic and full of regret fear anger and bitterness, a true monster with only one purpose: to destroy everything that gets in my way. it hurts so badly that i just want the pain to stop but i cant, becuz i cant look backwards. i've becone broken, almost irrepairable. it sucks, it hurts. i always thought myself strong, i can take anything; completely bullet proof. i never listened, i slways done things my way, but now......idk. the puzzle is completed, the last piece fell into place and now i see what the picture is. i want to vanish, i want to disappear, but i cant. this is my reality. i've tried to escape it, hoping i can change my fate, but you can never change your fate nor can you change your destiny. there's no such thing as luck. why did i miss this, why didnt i see it. was i so stubborn. i just want to feel that i actually matter. i wake up cold and alone and i go to sleep at night crying. now you know how i really feel. they dont call it the dark forest for nothing.

Living in darkness can be hard, especially the whispering dark. I'm sure you know the one I mean, it tells you how broken you are compared to all those other happy and normal people you see. What it can't and won't tell you is that everyone carries a bit of darkness within them, because that then makes your darkness less unique and less scary. Believe me when I say that you are not broken, just human and that you are no more monstrous than I, or anyone else here. True monsters cannot feel anything, and the fact that you feel the pain of living in darkness shows that you aren't a monster.

Talking about the darkness is hard, because it seeks to isolate you, but while talking about it doesn't banish it, it allows you to see it for what it is and your eyes become dark adjusted and it become easier to ask for help rather than let the darkness consume you.

not feeling doesn't automatically make you a monster.
saw a psychopath on tv who told he never knew how bad he was until he saw a cat scan of his own brain. he grew up without any need to kill people or take what belongs to others, and that's probably what makes him pretty ok. really ironic that he would be studying psychopathic killers.

me having grown up as an empathetic person, i often feel really weird when that empathy occasionally turns off.
pretending to be nice and caring is really kind of difficult. i'm glad it doesn't happen often.

interestingly, it's the passionate side of me, and not the unfeeling one, that is most monstrous.
someone who feels nothing also has no reason to hurt people, unless that will give them what they want.
much smarter to just manipulate people a little most of the time. often doesn't even hurt others than close family.

I think what I should have said is that true monsters don't know that they're monsters.

i just really feel like total crap.

I can sympathise, I struggle with my darkness a lot. I've lost track of the number of times I wished I wasn't broken, or I've sat they weighing the pros and cons of giving in to the urge to just sleep and never wake up. A lot of time living in darkness is less like living and more like existing, going through the motions of life and it's exhausting. When your in that space reaching out can be the hardest thing imaginable to do, but there are people and things out there that can help. The hardest thing to do is the step you've already taken, which is to acknowledge the darkness and the hold it has on you. It takes countless little steps, but they all add up and before you know it things have changed, and you can work with the darkness rather than letting it consume you.

i can never dance in the light for  when i go chasing the sun, i always end up burned badly

You don't always need to go chasing the sun to stop existing in darkness you know.

Hugs, Brianna. I know what it feels like to be alone in my darkness.

You matter. You have value and power, though perhaps your darkness is hiding it from you.

it doesnt feel like it. everyone lies to me whether for good or bad reasons. all i find is lies ontop of lies ontop of lies and when i do find an ounce of truth, it turns out to be me imagining it because i so desperately want the truth. only in darkness have i found the truths i seek for that is my reality. a reality where i exist alone, a reality where it doesnt matter anymore. i dont fight becuz face it, i have nothing to fight for. i just survive and the dream of living is only a dream, never to become real

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 20, 2014, 10:51:08 AM
i have nothing to fight for.

Is there anything or anyone you value? People you want to bring joy to? Change you want to see in the world? Is there a way you want to see yourself, different from what you are now?

Maybe these questions help. If not, maybe finding the answers to them is, itself, something to fight for.

And I, for one, will never knowingly lie to you.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 20, 2014, 10:51:08 AM
it doesnt feel like it. everyone lies to me whether for good or bad reasons. all i find is lies ontop of lies ontop of lies and when i do find an ounce of truth, it turns out to be me imagining it because i so desperately want the truth. only in darkness have i found the truths i seek for that is my reality. a reality where i exist alone, a reality where it doesnt matter anymore. i dont fight becuz face it, i have nothing to fight for. i just survive and the dream of living is only a dream, never to become real

I know about feeling alone, I've sat in a house full of people on the edge of suicide, where the next cut would have been the fatal one, and my darkness has not let me reach out to them, even though I knew they would willingly walk over broken glass to help me. The darkness makes you feel alone, ashamed to be a part of the rest of the world.

But you're talking about it and you're not alone in living with darkness. You may feel like this is nothing, but please believe me when I say that it is an important thing, the darkness is still there, but you are talking about it, giving it name. It's an old magik, but knowing the name of something gives you power over it, and while I truthfully cannot say that it will allow you to banish it, by giving it a name and talking about it you have started to control it, rather than it controlling you.

maybe there is something. i'm still here after all but maybe there isnt anything. i can never bring happiness to someone else, that just isnt what i do. i guess i just want to know if my existence has meaning, that something is different becuz i'm here. there isnt anything i can do but at least knowing that something changed is enough for me to be forgiven and finally move on.

i'm not gonna forgive you for something you didn't even do.
but if you've hurt or let yourself down, it might be about time you learn to forgive yourseld.
interesting how difficult that really is.

yes it is because i dont forgive easily without a reason. i cant forgive myself or seek forgiveness without first finding a reason why i deserve forgiveness. there are many things that i've done that cant be forgiven so easily, thus why i block my mind, i surround myself guards and just sleep and pretend its just a bad dream. i tear anything everything just to find a simple reason not to forgive. its an endless cycle that i cant break and even after i'm gone, the vicious cycle will continue until forgiveness is given. thats what i need, and its a need that cant be given

i have managed to do it.
you've no idea what darkness i've lived in, because i never told you.
but it is definitely deeper than i could get myself out of on my own.
i had help from a few good friends.

you have access to a therapist.
why don't you use that?

if you are capable of forgiving others at all, then you're capable of forgiving yourself.
you just haven't found that side of yourself yet.

i think i'll have to tell you though, this one truth that all who have pulled themselves out of the smothering darkness know.
nothing will happen on your life until you decide to make it happen.

want to be happy? then you have to decide to take that step forward.
only you can fix yourself.
we can do nothing but point in good directions.
you have to walk those heavy steps yourself.

the problem is, i have no one. i dont have friends or family, family in a since that all they want to do is "fix" me because they blame my past for how i turned out. i have absolutely no one. i'm completely and utterly alone and i've been that way since i was born. its not something i can just wake up and say "oh look at all these people around me." its just lies after lies after lies with no truth to it. i can never forgive or show genuine mercy. i want to, i so desperately want to because it would show i made a difference, but i just cant because the first word i heard was an empty lie. you see why i have such a strong disdain for humanity, and i cant forgive myself because i'm human. i bring it up and all i get is someone trying to console me and saying empty promises they cant keep. it just seems there is no truth to anything thus calling my existence into question. its a vicious cycle i want to break but i dont know how. i cant trust words because all they sound like to me is empty, drier than death valley.

so my words sound that empty to you?
the friends who helped me are all people i've only ever met online.
they are no less friends just because i haven't been able to meet them in person.

i didn't suddenly one day see myself surrounded by friendly people.
all that surrounded me was hostility and lies. refusal to even look at mme or my reality.
so i went out there, looking for my own new friends, people worth keeping.

the emptiest words you'll ever hear are the ones you say to yourself when you speak of a world without hope.
aren't you here because you don't want to believe your own lies?

maybe i'm here because i want to believe them, trying to believe them. hope is a tiny flickering light on a candle, and one breath can extinguish its light. i still wonder why i am even still here searching for an answer when clearly its staring me in the face and i cant see it. idk if your words are empty at all. maybe you do speak the truth, but there isnt anyway for me to find out. i've learned to give the benefit of the doubt, ignoring my instincts and gut feeling. i can say this, i have met some who were true to their word and that gives me just enough spark to relight my hope, so i do give chances. you know, i started waking up with a little less of a frown, i started staring into the mirror more, not staying a word, just staring, but i cant bring myself to say those 3 little words. well thats enough confessing for one day. you've all help a lot. i feel less burdened that i got the off my chest

that's a good start then.
i never said those words to myself in the mirror, had to find my scared little self within to talk to.
it didn't happen in a logical way, so unfortunately i can't tell you exactly how to find yourself.
but you will find your answer as long as you keep looking.

i've gotten an appointment with my new gp next week.
have you had any progress getting an appointment with a therapist?