Hello everyone,
I just thought that I would introduce myself.
I'm Kaylee and I have a very complicated and confusing life.
I guess my story is very similar to many out there, but obviously since everyone is different, the story too will have it's own differences.
I don't really remember much of my past. However, I do remember bits and pieces of what has led me to where I am today.
I am 29 years old right now and about 8 years ago or so, everything started to change for me. Within a few years span, I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which I then tried to ignore, I started a new job that pays well, and my cross-dressing took a different turn for me.
My cross-dressing started at or around puberty, but to be honest I don't remember what went through my mind back then. Looking back at it with vague feelings or awareness, the dressing might have started as a curiosity, but as I look back at my life, I don't recall much in terms of gender association. As I told one of my therapists...I was me. I knew that I was born male, and I guess I acted pretty much as a boy would. But I don't think it meant much to me, probably because I never really formed any connections to anyone...or at least it was very hard for me to do so. I do remember one event from my youth where I was trying to emulate a movie scene when I was all alone and I ended up stuffing my shirt to give myself breasts, but I honestly don't know if that was because I was trying to emulate the woman, or if I was just trying to emulate both characters from that scene.
Try as I might the cross-dressing never stopped and when that turning point came in my life about 8 years ago. More money came in and I felt the need to use herbal hormones so that I could become the woman that I was dressing to be whenever I was alone. But just like the dressing, the herbs were also an on again, off again cycle in my life. Eventually, I became desperate, in a sense. I kept wishing and praying that I could become a woman. I felt the desperate urge to know what it was like to be a woman. I wished that I could wake up in the morning and be a woman. Obviously, that never happened. The cycle continued...on and off again.
Just before my 28th birthday, that cycle started up again...that need to be was getting strong again. I got sick of the back and forth cycle I was going through. Part of the reason why the cycle stops for me is because I was raised as a conservative Christian...no one I know in my little circle would approve of what I've gone through or done. They would still love me, but they wouldn't approve. And what also makes it difficult, is I too still struggle with how I was raised. But last year, when I got fed up with this cycle, I decided to find out once and for all what was right and what was wrong. This past February, I thought I found my answer...that I could go forward with transition.
Then my world got flipped upside down. It's like a switch got flipped. Doubts came on hard and nothing made sense anymore and I've been fighting ever since to flip that switch back. I feel that I can't go back to my male self, knowing what I've gone through. But the doubts are so strong sometimes, I feel that my only course is to stop, and then I'll just be stuck in this cycle or rinse and repeat.
I'm just a little lost now, trying to live one day at a time, but uncertain even of how to do that.
I found the topic in this forum on Transgender vs Asperger, and in my search, it seems rare for a MtoF to have Asperger's. So I decided to come to this site where there seem to be others that have more similarities with me.
Thanks for letting me share.
Kaylee
