I wear grunge t-shirts, leather pants and black boots, while I am comfortable wearing this...

If I had the freedom to, I would wear tutus, stockings, knee high converse boots and a grunge-tshirt with dark and sometimes bright colors, kandi bracelets, etc. If I felt desired to, I would wear my cat ears and cat tail on the days I feel excited and free to be myself without caring what others think.

I cannot wear "feminine" clothing as my family believe I am transitioning to male, I cannot handle them questioning my identity... they already question the validity of my male identity just because of the fact I buy and enjoy wearing make-up in the privacy of my own room (for selfies and practice mainly - I would not wear make-up outside of my bedroom or the house until I have trained my gender-neutral voice.). It is upsetting because I do not wish to conform to the "stereotype" of what a "man" is.

Seriously, gender roles and stereotypes are awful. They stifle one's individuality and unique nature to be who they are. If everyone was a carbon-copy of a gender stereotype/role and that's all they are, it would be a very boring world. 

If only...

You know my presentations, home with others is gq maxed, a satin nightshirt over lingerie, the bottom of that somewhat revealed, the top now revealed an inch down revealing the lace, the breasts are obvious, but the head is unmodified for the wife's sake.  How she handles such a startling presentation I do not know.

On forum, its all girl.

At work, its nails and maybe some breast, the rest is male attire, and a scarf usually is on that flows over the boobs and hides them.  Usually a vest to cover, or a sportcoat.

But in a perfect world...

I would be at work in thigh high or knee high heeled boots,  a long sweater tied at the waist, my shirt unbuttoned to show the cami under it, the shirt tight across the top, maybe one that laces instead of buttons.  The jeans would be tight.

And on odd days, I would let Satinjoy out, hair on, slinky 70's dress up, like my avatar.  In a perfect world.

But is isn't perfect, not for me, and today, that is cutting me to the core.

Looks like I will be calling a couple of my forum friends today and leaning hard on them again to get through it.

Its one of those days I want to get in the car and drive into nowhere and start over, but the warm embrace of my wife trumps it all.

A little down this morning, sorry.

I think I'll push it  a little today, I have the boots....

Satinjoy

This is how I might sometimes present as, if there were no social constraints.  (And if I had a different body )



(For extra credit, identify the trans person in the picture.)

The red head

The tall brunette! Been reading the tall girl thread which influenced my guess.

Quote from: EchelonHunt on October 19, 2014, 11:50:56 PM

Seriously, gender roles and stereotypes are awful. They stifle one's individuality and unique nature to be who they are. If everyone was a carbon-copy of a gender stereotype/role and that's all they are, it would be a very boring world.

Let me offer my amen to that! 

You all just got me to wear knee high boots to work...but I don't have the balls to tuck my pants into them yet.

Really, sometimes I feel like a total fake in here, due to lack of courage to push the social norms.

Been hurting me a lot lately, this thought.

Satinjoy

Quote from: Satinjoy on October 20, 2014, 11:51:51 AM
Really, sometimes I feel like a total fake in here, due to lack of courage to push the social norms.

Sorry you feel that way.  I don't think you're a fake (for what my opinion is worth.)  I don't think it's lack of courage that is holding you back.  It's that you are subject to much narrower and harder limits than many of us here.  You've evaluated the cost (to you and to those you care about)  of going further along whatever path it is that you feel would be most honest for you, and decided that it's too much.

It's not lack of courage that I see.  It's wisdom and the ability to make hard choices.

Quote from: Asche on October 20, 2014, 03:10:37 PM
Sorry you feel that way.  I don't think you're a fake (for what my opinion is worth.)  I don't think it's lack of courage that is holding you back.  It's that you are subject to much narrower and harder limits than many of us here.  You've evaluated the cost (to you and to those you care about)  of going further along whatever path it is that you feel would be most honest for you, and decided that it's too much.

It's not lack of courage that I see.  It's wisdom and the ability to make hard choices.

SJ

Will call tomorrow.  Asche sees your nobility for what it is.  Be kind to yourself.

Aisla

Satin Joy,

There is nothing fake or inauthentic about you.  You have the astonishing courage to accept life as it is rather than how you would prefer it to be.  You have been willing for as long as I've known you to put the comfort of the woman you love before your desires and sometimes even before your health.
Yes you are non-binary, but I think in kind of the same way I am except that I was willing to dash it all to be seen as a woman and live as I choose.  That you are strong enough to pay the price, to balance your needs below another's is being human at its best.  It is compassionate and I am delighted to be your friend.  You know how to reach me if you need to sweetie.

And since I am slow to post. Amen to Asche's and Aisla's observations as well

Love,
Julie

The power of our forum.

These last three posts shattered my depression like glass.

Thank you deeply.

Blessings

Nails out head up

Satinjoy

Quote from: Satinjoy on October 20, 2014, 11:51:51 AM
Really, sometimes I feel like a total fake in here, due to lack of courage to push the social norms.

Yeah, but not everyone has the desire to do that. Some people just like to fade into the scenery. That's pretty much what I like to do. I've always been like that. As long as you are doing what YOU want to do. You are being authentic.

Ok I got fed up with hiding so much and wore me knee high, flat healed women'ss boots outside my jeans to work today.

Comments were odd, one was where is the rest of the cowboy outfit, but the other from a transphobic manager was ..what's with the garden boots.   I forget what I said but his next comment was. ...there are no laces...

He was ridiculing.

Without thinking my response to the transphobic boss was

Yes dear, they do not.

Silence in the office, the man headed.to the copy machine in a hurry.

Score one for finally standing up to someone.

Still quite wild here, hope it's healthy and real, my estrogen injection is tonight and the moods are much more stable now.

So, this moment is yours to share, they won't take me on like that again it got real quiet on the ....dear...when my mask came off.

Wow.  Satinjoy came out and said something, that was her voice.  My voice, but the part only transpeople see, she just spoke right up, from my core.

Satinjoy

i was talking with some colleagues about imported wives at work one day. there are a whole lot of russian and thai women in the area, and hopefully most relationships are true love rather than convenience.
so i happened to mention how someone had recommended slavic women to me.
just to gloss over a little, i explained how there are no girls on the internet...
there are no out lesbians in the area, and even they probably wouldn't consider looking for a wife outside the country.

Quote from: Satinjoy on October 23, 2014, 11:54:04 AM
Ok I got fed up with hiding so much and wore me knee high, flat healed women'ss boots outside my jeans to work today.

Comments were odd, one was where is the rest of the cowboy outfit, but the other from a transphobic manager was ..what's with the garden boots.   I forget what I said but his next comment was. ...there are no laces...

He was ridiculing.

Without thinking my response to the transphobic boss was

Yes dear, they do not.

Silence in the office, the man headed.to the copy machine in a hurry.

Score one for finally standing up to someone.

Still quite wild here, hope it's healthy and real, my estrogen injection is tonight and the moods are much more stable now.

So, this moment is yours to share, they won't take me on like that again it got real quiet on the ....dear...when my mask came off.

Wow.  Satinjoy came out and said something, that was her voice.  My voice, but the part only transpeople see, she just spoke right up, from my core.

Satinjoy

A really big atta girl, kudos!

Thanks Shantel.    Bought a long cashiers sweater with a waste tie and wore it to aa.  Someone said I looked beautiful, it may or may not have been to mock, but I owned it and said thank you.  They seemed very uncomfortable.

Ahhh, genderqueer.  One of the wilder ways to go.

Thanks dear for your support.  I need it.

Blessings

Satinjoy

Casmere.  Not cashier.  Phones....

I'm proud of you, SJ. I've tied myself in unholy knots trying to work up the courage to present in certain ways. It's hard as hell out there.

In a perfect world, I'd be doing a lot of what I'm already doing. Jeans. Docs. Those ribbed tank tops and flannel. Dark wash hoodies. Denim shirts. I'm lucky that my sense of style is comfortably masculine-androgynous. But I'd pack every day, every goddamn friggin day, and I wouldn't care who noticed. Because my pants would be tight (not too tight, not leggings, but a slim cut), not that awful trans-boy-on-raiding-his-daddy's-closet style I've got going on right now out of pure defense. I am so sick of my jeans not fitting right. They're too big! Any smaller and they're "woman's pants;" any smaller and I feel like a freak or a fraud. Too visibly in-between. Damn it, though, I am sick of cinched belts and ugly cuffs.

Quote from: captains on October 25, 2014, 11:42:59 PM
Wife-beaters

Um, can we find another word for whatever this is?  The phrase is triggering my visualization centers into sending me some pretty horrific images.

Quote from: captains on October 25, 2014, 11:42:59 PMDamn it, though, I am sick of cinched belts and ugly cuffs.

FWIW,  I'm MAAB and that's how all of my pants came out looking when I was in my teens and twenties.  It wasn't until I started developing male-pattern beer-gut that that changed.  Of course, I've always felt my body looked ugly no matter how my pants fit, so it never occurred to me to try to make them fit any differently.  Not sure if that makes you feel better or worse.

My apologies, Asche! I've edited the post. That term is common parlance around me, but it is definitely messed up (also very classist?) and something I need to drop from my vocabulary. I'm talking about those cheap, usually white, thin ribbed tank tops that come in a six pack. Around me they carry the connotation of working class masculinity, which very unfortunately, is also associated with violent chauvinism.

I hadn't thought too carefully about the term until now, but it is quite upsetting, and in retrospect, it perpetuates some pretty vile ideas.