The past few weeks have been really hard for me.

I don't know what to do at this point.  I'm in the middle of an extremely complicated and frustrating situation and I don't know how to deal with it.  Warning because this is going to be long and mentions verbal, psychological and emotional abuse.

So here's the deal.  I live with my family, my mom, brother and sister, and my four year old niece.  Things have never exactly been good around here.  When we were kids, my mother was a huge alcoholic and horrendously abusive to us on a daily basis.  As a result, it seems none of us really have the psychological capability of living normal adult lives.  I never wanted to come back here.  The only reason I wound up moving back in almost two years ago is because otherwise I would be out on the street. 

But it's probably a good thing I did.  Because shortly after, we found out that my sister was using.  She dropped her daughter off here with me and my mom (she had just turned three at the time) and I've pretty much been taking care of her ever since. 

I've been going to therapy for seven months now in order to deal with this stuff from my past.  After a few months, I decided to try to talk to my family about it (a subject that is largely taboo in our household) so that maybe we could all deal with it and hopefully start healing and improving our lives.  But it didn't go so well.  My brother and sister were sort of willing to talk about it, but I quickly found that my mother is in complete denial that anything bad ever happened to us when we were kids.  Apparently, she was never even an alcoholic, she was a great mom, and we had super happy a childhood.   The only reason we are saying any of this stuff is because we are liars and spoiled brats who just want to be mean to their poor mama.

The more things started coming out, the angrier my mother got.  Any time someone even mentions something, she starts screaming.  She's gotten so mad at me now for daring to bring up the past, that she has been using any excuse she can to start fights with me and scream at me.  Sometimes I feel like I've been shuttled back to my childhood, because the things she has been saying to me - the name calling, the threats, the verbal, psychological and emotional abuse I have had to endure - it's like I'm reliving it all over again. 

My mother is the most abusive, manipulative, controlling and narcissistic person I have ever known.  I honestly feel like the only reason she had kids was so that she could have something to control.  She's always on a power trip, thinking she has the right to tell us what to do, how to live and who to be.  She constantly demands things from everyone, and if anyone tells her no, she throws a tantrum like a child.  I feel like my siblings and I have been under her thumb for a long time.  After I moved back in, I was pretty much waiting on her hand and foot for a while.  So much so, that I barely had time to do the things that I wanted to do.  I didn't realize at the time that she was still abusing me, and abusing her power over me.  I thought, as long as she's not drinking and yelling all the time things were okay.  But after being in therapy for a few months, the blinders started to come off, and I realized that she was still manipulating me for her own selfish purposes. 

I don't think my mother wants her children to live their own lives and be independent.  The last thing she wants is for us to go out and have careers and cars and our own places to live and our own families.  She just wants us to stay huddled up with her in the nest, where she can use us as an extension of her own being, so that she doesn't have to be lonely and so she has someone to take care of her (she's pretty much ran off everyone else in her life).  We are basically all she has left.  And the more I try to exorcise my own independence from her, make my own choices, plan my own life, do the things that I want to do instead of what she wants me to do, the more insecure she gets and the more she starts to freak out.  At first it started with me refusing to do ridiculous things like letting her wake me up at 1:30 in the morning to drag me to the store to get canned cat food just because shes bored (of course she makes it out like the cats are just gonna starve to death if they don't get it immediately, even though they have dry food) and things like that.  Breaking the taboo of talking about our childhood really brought things to a head.

My mom doesn't have much psychological power over me anymore, compared to before anyway, which is a great thing and something I thought I would never be mentally capable of since she's spent my entire life drilling it into my head that I am worthless and the only person I can trust, the only person that will ever love or care about me, is her.  That I will never succeed in anything I do in life without her.  That I cannot exist as a separate human being because I am innately owned by her.  She's my mother.  I do what she says.  Period.  I don't question.  I don't make my own choices.  I don't argue.  I do for her and I do it respectfully, because that's all I'm good for.

Yet, despite my ability to finally break away, things have gotten so bad lately with all her fits and tantrums, I've started getting concerned for the well being of my niece.  I make it a point not to argue with my mother in front of her.  I don't want her around that at all.  I try to tell my mom to be calm around her and not try to pick fights, but my mother doesn't seem too concerned about how it might effect her.  I feel like she does it as a way of manipulating the situation, because she will go on and on, trying to push my buttons and get a rise out of me, and if I say anything - anything at all, even if I say it calmly - she starts saying that I'm a bad influence on my niece, I'm hurting her and I should be ashamed.  I often have to escape upstairs with my niece to my room and lock the door just to get us away from her because she wont stop (thankfully, my mom often has trouble getting up the stairs and usually wont follow us).  The worst thing is how she tries to start fights with me every single morning while I'm getting my niece ready for preschool.  She follows me around all morning, asking me if I'm doing this, if I'm doing that, if shes up, if shes eaten, what I'm feeding her, telling me how to dress her etc etc.  Constantly telling me how to do things right, and that if I don't do it HER way, I'm damaging my niece in some way.  It's insanely frustrating because it's not like I can't do it.  I did it just fine on my own for weeks, until my mom decided that she was so mad at me she just wanted to try to piss me off every moment of the day.  Now all of the sudden I am incompetent and everything I do is hurting my niece.  It got to the point where I've had to wear my headphones all over the house just so I can't hear her and lock my door behind me so she couldn't come in and argue with me right there in front of my niece.  She gets mad that my niece spends most of her time in my room when she's here.  But it's not like I force her to be in here, she chooses to to be in here.  And the reason is pretty obvious. It's the only place in the house that's safe, quiet and clean.  Okay, it's not immaculate, but it's not filthy either.  It's the only place she can go to get away from the negativity and not have to wade through piles of junk. 

It's exceptionally frustrating seeing as the person doing this is a person who was incapable of taking care of her own children.  The person who neglected and abused us since I was seven years old somehow thinks that she knows better how to parent than I do.  I admit I'm not an expert, but I know what NOT to do.  I think anyone would know its common sense that you don't yell and scream in front of a child and try to turn them against their other family members by saying horrible and untrue things around them.  She has even gone so far to say to me in front of my niece that I don't care about her and that she shouldn't listen to me because I'm a bad person.  What a fantastic human being.

I feel like my mother, in some kind of twisted, backwards way is trying to somehow one-up me by trying to "prove" that she is somehow the better "parent" by trying to take over the role and undermine my efforts, seeing as her lack of parenting skills has been brought up so much lately.  But instead of doing it by actually being a responsible adult (something I don't think she has and ever will be capable of), shes trying to shoot me down to her level by making me - and everyone else - think I'm doing everything wrong.  By trying to push me to get angry and yell in front of my niece so she can turn around claim that I'm the abusive one. 

I can't deal with it anymore.  I am quickly coming to the end of my rope and I feel like my sanity is about to break.  It's even more frustrating because my sister - my nieces mother - lives HERE with us, but she just doesn't want to get involved.  She doesn't seem to care what is happening around her child.  When I try to come to her and talk to her about it, and ask her to back me up and tell our mother to stop she pretty much just tells me to keep her out of it.  That if we're gonna argue then do it away from her.  But this is HER CHILD we're talking about.  Her child that is seeing this behavior.  Her child that I am taking care of and trying to protect because she seems completely uninterested in doing either of these things.  The only time she does anything with her or for her, or spends any time with her is when I ask her to, and even then half the time she tells me she's "busy".  I've tried to encourage her to spend more time with her daughter, but it doesn't even seem like there's much point because the time she spends with her is never quality time.  All she does is sit her down in front of a cartoon and tell her to be quiet while she sits there on her phone texting the whole time.  If my niece does anything she doesn't like, she immediately yells at her puts her in a time out.  She has absolutely no patience and no desire to actually interact with her child and it makes me angry and its really sad.

And on top of all THAT mess, my mom is also a hoarder.  I don't usually tell people that because it's an embarrassment, but it's a huge problem and not the kind of environment a child should be living in.  That's why my room is the only clean place in the house.  The rest is always a mess and full of clutter, and I seem to be the only one interested in actually trying to keep it clean.  My sister doesn't think she has to do anything because she "works" or "is looking for a job" - which is only true about two days out of the week, my brother wont do anything because he thinks he should be paid to do chores (5 bucks a load of dishes to be specific... and he's 26 and doesn't work.  Yeah, I donno, he has a load of his own problems and that's a whole other story.  He literally does nothing at all), and my mom just wants everyone to do everything for her so she can sit on her butt all day.  Granted she does have health problems, but she uses them to her advantage and tries to milk it for all it's worth.  I work my a** off trying to keep this house, at least the main rooms, clean and fit for a child to live in - which includes cleaning up after everyone else because apparently they can't even do that.

This is so hard...  I feel like the only adult in a house full of a bunch of grown children and one actual one.  My therapist described me as one person trying to hold a whole universe together.  "It's too much, Kai.  It's too much for you."  She said, and she's right.  It is too much, and I don't know how much longer I can do this.  No matter what I do, no matter how reasonable and rational I try to be, nobody seems to care at all.  No one ever listens.  And I don't get any appreciation for the things I do either.  I could be running around all day taking care of my niece and cleaning and doing whatever else needs to be done and all I ever seem to get is people turning their nose up at me telling me I don't do anything.  Even my sister the other day, I was complaining of how tired and exhausted I was and she was just kind of like, "Why?  You don't do that much." and I was like WOW.  Really?  I'm taking care of YOUR CHILD while you sit in your room all day doing who knows what and you say I don't do that much??  Well, I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to.  Even when I told my cousin about that she was like, "Wow, yeah, must be nice for her to have all that free time!" 

I just can't take it anymore.  Last week, I was so upset and lost on what to do, I ended up telling my therapist how bad things were getting and my concerns for my niece.  It was probably one of the hardest thing's I've ever had to do in my life.  I hadn't even mentioned that I had a niece before then because I knew, after everything I've already told her, that she would probably feel inclined to report to Child Protection Services, and sure enough, she did.  I didn't want them to get involved.  I don't trust CPS one bit.  Every case I have ever been involved in - when they got called on my mom and my sister in the past - and every case any one I've known has ever been involved in they just seem to do the complete opposite of what they're supposed to do.  They don't fallow their own rules, they disregard the law, and they lie and mess with people just because they can.  The fact that they could have the power to take my niece completely away and put her in foster care freaks me out to no end. 

I am certain it won't come down to that though, because she is not being abused or neglected and she has a competent caregiver.  I am torn though.  The police came over yesterday and told my family about the cps report and checked out the house.  My niece was at her other grandparents house at the time.  My family doesn't know that I'm the one who let the cat out of the bag.  The sad thing is, CPS has been called on my mom and my sister so many times they already have a plan for if something like this happens.  They actually read up on the law and they apparently aren't required to even talk to the social workers or let them in the house.  They have a string of lies to tell them if they do end up having to talk to somebody.  When the police came, my sister told them that she lives at her boyfriends house and only brings her daughter over here to visit and she doesn't actually live here.  My therapist told me I did the right thing by telling her about my niece and has encouraged me to communicate with CPS just to keep them informed on the situation.  But, as I said before, though I desperately want to do something to change this situation, I don't feel like I can trust them.  Plus, if my family found out that I was talking to them, and letting them know they are lying to them, they would be livid.  Talking to CPS and telling them ANYTHING truthful is a big no no.  Not only would I have them mad at me, but my nieces dads family would be mad at me too because there are plenty of issues over at their house as well (she spends the weekends at their house, she sometimes doesn't even wanna go over there because she says her dad yells all the time and I know they are alcoholics.  I donno how much or how often they drink around her, but I've been there when she was there and they were drinking before).  It makes me sick that I am stuck in the middle of a group of people who are not capable of providing a safe and stable environment for my niece to live in, and want to hide it at all costs and pretend like there's not a problem.  That I am apparently the ONLY person who is interested in doing what is right for her and giving her what she needs to grow into a healthy, mentally stable adult.  No one else is trying to advocate for her.  No one else is saying, 'no, this is not right, this is not a good environment, this is not the kind of behavior a child should be around, and something has to change.'  No one.  Not even her mother.  If her mother wanted to do what was right for her, she'd get herself a new place and move out away from my mother and this garbage dump of a house, but she wont.  She wont because here she has people to take care of her child for her, here she doesn't have to work her a** off to pay the bills, here she doesn't even have to clean up after herself because somebody else does it for her, here she has a fraction of the responsibilities it would take to have a place of her own and as long as she gets to be comfortable, having her daughter in a crappy living situation okay with her.

I just want to get out of here.  Take my niece and move away so that we both can have a safe, stable environment.  But I can't.  I have nowhere else to go, no financial stability, and no support.  Even if I did have those things, I don't think I would ever be able to talk my sister into letting me take her with me and out of this house.  My sister would be welcome to come with me, but I don't know if she would even want to come if I did have a way out.  I even talked to her about that recently about that.  I thought, if she could give me temporary custody of my niece, then perhaps I could get into a section 8 apparent and we could all go live there (my sister can't get section 8 anymore because when she did have it she got kicked out...).  She was not keen on the idea.  Just started saying, 'Well, it takes so much time, it takes money for court fees and such, blah blah blah'.  Then when I try to tell her that we need to do something, she just kind of sluffs it off and is kind of like, "Oh well, this is how things are."

I feel stuck, lost... I don't know what to do.  I was hoping that maybe just the mention of CPS would be enough to scare my family into making some changes... but it doesn't seem to be.  I got up this morning and tried to wake up my sister and my mom to help me clean the house in case the social worker came by... but they pretty much ignored me and told me not to worry because 'we don't even have to let them in'.  All my mom could say to me about all the fighting is telling me not to argue with her anymore.  I need to stop yelling, I need to stop fighting, and I need to start doing what she tells me or else I am going to make things worse.  They are not inclined in any way to try to change, accept responsibility, or make this environment better for my niece at all.

I don't know what's going to happen from here.  I want to get custody of my niece so that I have the legal power to make the decisions that need to be made, but I have no idea how to pursue that or if I even have the strength to do it.  I'm already being accused of tearing my family apart by trying to talk about our issues and the truth about our past.  And I certainly can't fight for custody while living with the people I'm fighting against.  If I do this - and if things don't change, I'm going to have to - I need to prepare.  I need to have my own place where my niece will be safe.  I need financial stability so that I can support her.  And I need some kind of emotional support system so that I don't totally break under the pressure.  I talked to my cousin yesterday about everything going on, and she said that if things get to such a point I could possibly stay with her and her mom.  I haven't spoken to her mom about it yet, but she has supported me in this sort of thing before, and I now she will again as long as I can pay my own way and support myself and my niece.  I just need a plan.  I'm going to be doing this all on my own, and I need all the support and advice I can get.

The bottom line is, I feel like my niece is on the road to growing up the same way we did if things don't change.  I can't let that happen.  I won't let that happen.  I can't sit back and watch another child go through the things that we went through and witness the things that we witnessed.  Something has to be done, even if I end up having to do it all on my own...

So there it is, finally all out on the table...  I'm amazed I had the energy to get it out of me...  Sorry it's so long, but thanks for reading.  I hope someone out there can help me figure out what to do next.

You may not like this, but you have to take care of yourself first before you can help her. Chances are legally they would not give you custody anyway. Sorry to hit you when you are down, I just had to learn a very important lesson that I could not save everyone. Get yourself set up and then see what you can do for your niece. You both need out in the worse way and I hope it is soon.

Big hug! Just letting all that out had to be helpful.

You just need to get out. I love my mom, but I don't like her, and I keep a thousand miles between us. I didn't understand until I was much older that it's OK to not like her and it's OK to see her faults.

Hugs, Devlyn

I agree with Jessica. You need to get out of there. Do you have a job to support yourself financially? If not, you should try to get one. Surely, you must have some skills that could gain you employment. Even if it's flipping burgers at MacDonalds.  You need to be independent before you can do much of anything.
It doesn't look as if the toxic environment you're in now is ever going to change. You can make changes for the better but you've got to take the initiative to do it. Changes for the better won't happen by itself. Start taking the steps to do so. You'd be surprised at what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.

MaryEllen

You are an excellent uncle and your niece is lucky to have you. You can do this.
It sounds like your cousin and her mom are a good support as is your therapist (even if you don't agree on cps). What can you do to gain financial stability? What can you do to get your own place? Even if it takes awhile, start the process. What do you need to do to get custody of your niece? ARe you able to care of yourself as well as your niece?
It's not your job to keep your family together. It's your job to take care of yourself.

Thank you all for your input and support.  I love you all so much.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 24, 2014, 07:24:59 PM
You may not like this, but you have to take care of yourself first before you can help her. Chances are legally they would not give you custody anyway. Sorry to hit you when you are down, I just had to learn a very important lesson that I could not save everyone. Get yourself set up and then see what you can do for your niece. You both need out in the worse way and I hope it is soon.

Don't apologize.  I appreciate your honestly, and you are right.  I know I have to have a stable job and a decent place to live to get custody.  I'm trying to figure out how to do that.  My aunt thinks I should just talk to CPS and tell them everything and let them do their job, and if my niece gets put in foster care, then maybe that's what's best for her for now until I get out and get stable.  I'm worried about that too though, because you never know how the foster parent is gonna be.  My niece has already been in foster care once, the second time my sister had CPS called on her when she was just a year old...  The foster mom was awesome though, thankfully.  I don't know.  Maybe that is what needs to happen.  I am pretty much done with my family at this point, and I just don't think I can lie for them anymore until I find a way to get out. 

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 24, 2014, 08:14:04 PM
Big hug! Just letting all that out had to be helpful.

You just need to get out. I love my mom, but I don't like her, and I keep a thousand miles between us. I didn't understand until I was much older that it's OK to not like her and it's OK to see her faults.

Hugs, Devlyn

Big hug back!  It did help to let it out.

Sad thing is, honestly, I don't even know if I love my mom or not... I don't think I really do.  Most of the time... I kind of hate her.  That's a horrible thing to say about your own mom, but she's awful to me.  She always has been.  Frankly, after all this, when I finally do find a way out I don't think I plan to speak to her ever again.  I just don't need that kind of person in my life.  She's always trying to bring me down and make me feel like a horrible person.  I'm just done with it.  I can't allow her to treat me like this anymore, I don't care if she is my mother.  She's the most destructive person in my life and I just want to get away from her forever.  I'm done letting her abuse me.  She's not even worthy of having me in her life, and that's how I honestly feel.  She ran  my dad off and screwed up my life so bad already.  I'm just done.  It's not even that she has faults, shes just a horrible person all around.  I probably sound harsh.  But it's true.  I've tried to understand her.  I've tried to relate to her and figure out why she does the things she does.  But I cant.  The things she does and says... it's just hard to believe a human being can be that way, especially to their own children.

Sorry for that little emo rant... I've just been so upset lately.  But thank you so much for your kind words.  It really means a lot.  Hugs!

Quote from: MaryEllen on October 24, 2014, 08:15:13 PM
I agree with Jessica. You need to get out of there. Do you have a job to support yourself financially? If not, you should try to get one. Surely, you must have some skills that could gain you employment. Even if it's flipping burgers at MacDonalds.  You need to be independent before you can do much of anything.
It doesn't look as if the toxic environment you're in now is ever going to change. You can make changes for the better but you've got to take the initiative to do it. Changes for the better won't happen by itself. Start taking the steps to do so. You'd be surprised at what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.

MaryEllen

I don't have a job currently, but I'm about ready to start looking for one.  I've had anxiety issues that have kept me from working, but thanks to therapy I've made great progress.  I even got to a point to where I hardly get anxiety and panic attacks anymore... that is until this stuff started happening.  But now, with the recent events, it's lit a fire under me.  And the more my mother berates me and pushes me, the hotter it burns.  I'm going to do what I gotta do.  Because it's not just my livelihood on the life now, it's my nieces as well, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get us both to a better place.  Especially after tonight... which I will get to in a moment.  I'm can't take things lying down anymore.  Things are going to change, and I know I can do it as long as I have this kind of support.  Thank you!

Quote from: Edge on October 24, 2014, 08:40:47 PM
You are an excellent uncle and your niece is lucky to have you. You can do this.
It sounds like your cousin and her mom are a good support as is your therapist (even if you don't agree on cps). What can you do to gain financial stability? What can you do to get your own place? Even if it takes awhile, start the process. What do you need to do to get custody of your niece? ARe you able to care of yourself as well as your niece?
It's not your job to keep your family together. It's your job to take care of yourself.

Thanks, Edge.  I'm doing the best I can!  I feel very lucky to have my aunt and cousin backing me, and my therapist as well.  I'm starting to agree with her more and more about CPS.  I may not be fully trusting of them, but I trust them more than my screwed up, backwards family.  That's for sure.  I am about to enter a program that is going to help me find work, and I'm just gonna start filling out applications as well.  I tried applying for housing also, but who knows if that will pan out.  And I think I will start taking to CPS and find myself a lawyer.  And yes, that is one thing I know I am fully capable of, taking care of my niece and myself at the same time.  I've been doing that for a while now.  And I know I could do an even better job if I were away from the people trying to undermine that.  I love kids.  I've always wanted to be a parent, and taking on the role over the past couple years seems to have come pretty natural to me.  I know working and taking care of a kid though will be hard, but I can do it.  I know I can.  I love her so much and I just want the very best for her, no matter how hard it might be, no matter how hard I have to fight.  I'll do it.  To save her from having to live the kind of life that I've had, I'll do just about anything.

That's fantastic. I wish you all the best.

Thanks, Edge.   And thanks for the rep.  You're impressed?  That's kind of cool to hear.    lol

I meant to update this sooner, but I haven't really had the time or energy.  So, here comes another long one. 

The last couple weeks haven't been too much better than the previous.  I talked to CPS with my therapist, but it doesn't seem like anything's going to happen.  Even so, my mom and sister are in panic mode and my mom got even worse for a while with her fits.  Apparently, I ruined her life and my nieces life and everybody else's in the family's life by mentioning the situation to my therapist.  Oh, also I guess I'm apparently an abuser and a lunatic and I should quit going to therapy because it's turned me into a 'monster' and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.  She even went TO MY THERAPISTS OFFICE last week and talked to her supervisor and told her that I'm "violent" and shes "afraid for her life".    Yeah... I almost couldn't believe it when my therapist told me that (apparently, my mom wanted to keep it a secret, but they had to tell me of course) but at the same time, and sad to say, I wasn't all that surprised because she's done things like that before.  Most notably, to my dad during their divorce.  When she gets mad at somebody, she goes to great lengths to make that person out to be the most horrible thing that's ever walked the planet, she plays the part of the victim perfectly, and has no qualms about involving the legal system.  I can't tell you how many times shes gotten someone ELSE arrested over an incident she instigated.  I don't understand it, how somebody could think that way and do and say the things she does.  I can't help but wonder if she really believes the things she says or if she's really that malicious.  Going to her own kids therapist and telling them those things just because she's mad I've got the nerve to talk about her own abusive behavior.  I don't know, I'd prefer to think she's just crazy than intentionally being that cruel.  But either way, it's almost so horrible I have to laugh about it.  I'm probably one of the most pacifistic people you could ever meet, and thankfully, she tried to pull this one over on a group of therapists, who - I think it's safe to say - know crazy when they see it.  Of course, my mom was being so dramatic the lady she talked to suggested calling the police if something happened.  Apparently my mom's answer to that was "I don't care if she kills me, I'm not going to call the cops on my daughter."  Okay.  Thanks, mom.  You're awesome.

Ech... but anyway, back on subject...  So yes, I talked to CPS, and I have to say, I find it a bit sickening how they both reacted to it.  Basically, their first reaction was to devise some kind of plan about how they were gonna lie to CPS.  I was told I better go along with it and I "better go in and tell your therapist something WONDERFUL about our family!"  Whoo!  Flashback of my childhood.  Right now they have decided to keep my niece over at her dads parent's house until they are sure CPS isn't going to show up, because they are so worried that if they do and she's here they will immediately take her away.  It's kind of baffling to me in a way.  Clearly, by how frantic they are, they know there are problems.  But they way they are acting is as if things are a lot worse than they actually are.  CPS isn't even going to take the case, yet they are freaking the freakin freak out.  Even so, instead of actually taking a look at what's wrong and addressing it, they'd rather run around in circles and pretend everything's fine and CPS is just evil and punish anyone who says otherwise.  "This is why you keep things in the family."  They say.  Why?  So the cycle can repeat itself over and over again unhindered?  Is that really what everyone wants?  Sorry, family.  I'm tired of keeping your secrets.  That's not my job.  I never signed up for that.  People need to learn they can't get away with this kind of crap.  I won't stand for it anymore.

But I suppose it's somewhat pretentious of me to think that I could somehow change them.  I live in a family culture of secrets and deceit, and everyone's neck deep in the muck and apparently happy to stay there.  I've been trying to crawl out of it since I was a little kid.  Which brings me to something else that happened a couple weeks ago.  I went to my aunts to try to talk to her about possibly moving in after a week of my mother relentlessly trying to push me out.  I was kind of surprised when I walked in the door and she immediately started telling me that I was gonna stay with her and not to worry, how proud of me she was for doing the right thing and how she's gonna help me find a job and help me get my niece out of there, and how she can't even imagine how hard it must be to have a mother like mine.  For one night, I had so much hope.  For one night, I actually thought someone FINALLY CARED about what's going on over here.  I spent the whole next day doing whatever I could around the house to get it nice and spiffy to show my appreciation for what she was doing while they were at work - figured it was the least I could do.  But I don't think she even noticed when she walked in the door that afternoon and told me she couldn't deal with all this and she had to take me home right now.

Really?  I always knew my aunt was kind of emotionally unstable.  But really?  If she can't help, that's fine.  I honestly didn't expect that she'd actually let me live with her in the first place.  I was hopeful, but honestly, he never really did much of anything to help us growing up, despite knowing full well what was happening with my mom when we were kids.  None of my family did.  So I didn't really expect that much help from her.  That's why I was surprised when she said she would.  But then to say all those things one day, then turn around and take it all back the next.  I don't even know what to think.  It left me rather bewildered and yes, kinda pissed.  I can tell you, this has probably been some of the darkest weeks of my life.  I rarely ask people for help.  When I do, it's because I'm truly desperate.  And what about my niece?  Does she suddenly not matter?  Flashback to my childhood.  If she didn't want to get involved, she should have just said so in the first place.  She told me she would have my back and if anything happened she'd be there for me, then when s*** actually does hit the fan suddenly it's too much for her and she backs out to the point where she doesn't even wanna talk about it anymore.  I tried to discuss things with her when she told me she was gonna take me home, but she just acted pissed at me and told me not to "give her a hard time".  Said things were happening too fast.  As if I can help how fast things were happening.  Said I just need to go home and deal with it on my own.  When I tried to tell her I can't deal with my mom anymore and I can't do this alone she says, "Well, you're just gonna have to.  That's the mom you got."  Really?  So, if your niece were to come to you and said she's being beaten by her husband and she needs help, is that what you would say?  "Go home.  That's the husband you got."?  That might sound like an exaggerated comparison to some, but I don't think it is.  Psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.  In a sense, I believe there can be increased danger just in the fact that it's harder to get away from because people don't see bruises or physical damage and thus they don't seem to take it as seriously.  But it can drive someone to take their own life just as easily.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it at times in my life, especially lately...  See, this is one of the reasons why people get stuck in abusive situations and wind up doing awful things like hurting themselves or others.  Half the time, they don't say anything because there's too much shame.  Then when they do, if nobody listens, there's even more shame and despair.  Then what happens?  They break.  That's not going to happen to me.  I haven't reached my breaking point yet, thankfully, but I feel like I've gotten close.  It seems as though every time I feel like I might be reaching my threshold, I find I'm just a little bit stronger than I thought.  But I can see now how it happens, and it's a d*** shame.  A d *** SHAME!  When nobody seems to care, there doesn't feel like there's a point anymore.  Nobody should EVER allow another human being to be abused.  Nobody should EVER turn their back on a victim crying out for help.  EVER EVER EVER!!  I'm sorry.  There are few things that piss me off more than when there are people who know someone is being abused - especially if that person is a child - and do nothing about it.  May as well be abusing that person themselves if they're gonna sit by and let it happen.  SHAME!!!

Sorry, I seem to have gone into a slight rage fit...   but eh... *ahem*  It okay though.  My mom can say whatever she wants and my aunt can back out on me, but I feel alright because I know I'm doing the right thing.  I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not that CPS aren't likely going to be taking the case, though.  On one hand, I didn't really want her to have to go to foster care while I try to find work and housing, but on the other hand, my family are pretty steadfast in being the way they are.  Not sure which is better.  It sucks that my aunt had to do what she did.  It would have been so much easier for me to get the ball rolling if I could just be out of this environment.  Not only am I stuck here, but now it seems I don't even have any moral or emotional support from them.  I don't think I can even rely on my cousin for that, as she hasn't really been talking to me since that happened.  I don't know, I never really expected that from them.  I always felt pretty close to them, so I didn't expect them to push me away like that when I really needed their help.  Way to kick a person when their down.  I am just glad I am a strong enough person not to let that throw me over the edge.

At the very least though, I think I've made peace with my mom for the time being.  So at least I won't be out on the street or having to live with my dad out in the middle of nowhereville.  Things have been fairly calm over the past few days.  So I'm just trying to take some time to slow down and catch my breath.  It feels like I've been going a million miles an hour without stopping.  I've spent so much effort trying to change what's going on around me, I kind of lost focus on myself.  Life's about balance, and I need to take a little time to find mine again before diving head first into trying to find work.  It feels like things are kind of out of my hands right now when it comes to my niece.  But it's probably a good thing I will be staying here for now, then at least I can keep an eye on things and I'm here for her if she needs me.  My therapists suggested I stay in contact with CPS and keep a log of anything that happens, so if it gets to the point where a case does get opened I have some kind of record.  Unfortunately, my therapist had to leave.  She was an intern and I guess she's graduating, so she's off to find work somewhere else since there's not an opening there.  I'll be starting with a new one next week.  My therapist had some encouraging departing words for me though.  She said she was amazed by the progress I've made, and that it was inspiring to see how far I've come in just eight months.  That many people can work with someone for years and not go as far as I have.  That it's given her hope for people and what they can get through and what they can do to improve their lives.  And apparently, my resiliency is "through the roof".  I don't know, I've been told by a lot of people that I'm a strong person.  I've never really felt like I was.  I just do what I have to to survive and try to do what's right.  But to hear stuff like that really inspires me to keep moving forward and not give up.  I wont lie, there are moments when I feel like I don't wanna keep going.  But it seems like I've found ways throughout my life to deter that feeling and find things to live for - of which there are plenty.  The world's a beautiful place, even with all the ugly things in it.  You just gotta remember not to let the good parts get buried in the muck.