Hello gang, Handy here, and I guess I'm just looking for a good place to unload some emotions so here it goes:
I've been out of the closet for a couple years now; I'm out to my family, out to all my friends, out at school (my professors are aware), out to my SO, I mean very, very OUT. I answer any and all questions directed to me and hope that by living openly I can make connections and at the very least combat some small fraction of the ignorance that plagues our community. I've also tried to get involved and thus am a member of various LGBT support groups and am currently in the process of starting an oSTEM chapter on my campus, so I get exposed to a lot of interesting people!
Well, by living openly, a lot of fledgling, deeply closeted trans people have identified themselves to me and asked for advice/direction on how to proceed (and obviously I keep things confidential). For most of the people I know, and most of my friends, I'm the only trans person they know, so when something pops up questions and people are frequently directed my way!
functioning as something of a guru on trans issues for the young adult/student set around here, I've been there for some pretty intense moments, like the first time someone comes out in a safe space, people getting me to proofread coming-out-letters to their parents, etc.
Which brings me to something which happened very recently; one of my friends whom found me because she was dealing with gender issues, recently made the decision to pursue HRT. She asked if I could be there when she actually made the call to the endocrinologist, because she feared she didn't have the nerve to do it alone, so of course I scheduled a time to meet her at her place where we could make the call together.
I get there and she has clearly been through a great deal of emotional turmoil. I sit with her on her bed and she begins shaking. She has been struggling to come to this decision, because unfortunately it is abundantly clear that if anyone knew she was a trans person, her family and a large number of friends would disown her, and obviously taking this big step is pretty irreversible and for most of us one of our big milestones in this journey.
I talked to her to try to calm her nerves, and she finally mustered the courage to make the phone call; her voice was quivering and her whole body shaking from the terror of it all, she was even dry-heaving (it had reached the point of, "pursue this or kill myself", so I'd say she handled herself very bravely). I'm extremely proud of her, as she made the call and set up the appointment, then immediately after hanging up the phone she grabbed me harder than I think I've ever been grabbed before and just bawled on my shoulder. It was the one of the most heart breaking things I'd ever seen and it probably went on for about 10 minutes before she relaxed her grip and calmed down.
She was profusely thankful for my being there, and insisted on rewarding me. Having little she gave me all she could, a pile of clothes that were too small for her.
As I was riding home I looked at that pile of clothes and just started crying my eyes out. I was so angry that trans people have to live this way, that we lose our families and friends, that we fear losing our jobs, that people think it's ok to threaten us/attack us when they find out we're trans, that people compare us to serial killers/rapists, it was the first time I'd ever felt that indignation in so pronounced a way, and it was overwhelming. I was riding along, looking at this gift from an incredibly kind, gentle soul, who is about to lose everything she has because of what she is, and it just made me furious. I'd never been so sad and angry at once. We can show all the love and compassion in the world, we can be your best friend, your children, we can be saints and saviors and for some people none of that is enough, they will hate us and that's simply the end of it.
I don't mean to be such a downer; I've met some incredible people through all of this and together the world is definitely changing. I just wish so badly there was something more that could be done. These are some of the kindest people I've ever met in my life, and they are treated like garbage by society.
Ah well, that's my sad story for the day. Feels good to commiserate though
