Thank you all for your advice so far. I guess I'm just in two contradicting stages right now. One part of myself wants to just forget everything, finish up most of this
physical part of the transition and start trying to enjoy that new life. The other pessimistic side of me wants to realize how horrible I might be, and how I won't fit in with society and that whole fact of standing out like a sore thumb.
QuotePlease consider that others are having the fun commensurate with their mode of living. Transitioning is another mode of living and it can be more pleasant than it is now, if you so desire.
This struck me a lot when I read it. It makes complete sense for the most part except on how to make my mode of living more pleasant than it is now heh. I'm just so down on myself I guess. It's a hard emotion to try and express in words, but I think people have gone through this here, so I'm trying to rely on their personal situations with this problem.
Wishing or being envious of others life isn't going to change anything I understand, but I'm more so ever struggling with changing myself into becoming happier and trying to get more out of life than sorrow and failed friendships. Something is holding me back, it's that realistic thinking my mind tells me to worry about, and I can't ever shut it off as it seems.
Posted on: October 08, 2007, 11:06:29 PM
Quote from: carol_w on October 08, 2007, 09:06:46 PM
You're searching for yourself - that's the normal part of being TS. We ALL go through this, because from a very early age, we sense that we're different from everyone else. That leads to insecurities and a lack of self-acceptance.
My therapist told me that I have to find "me", and increasingly Carol is that me, instead of <boy name>. Likewise, it will probably be true for you as well. Early on, you'll doubt yourself - this is totally normal, too. But trust all of us who have been there, you have to keep up the search. You will eventually find out who you are, and it will probably be a person in the other gender from which you were born.
That doubt is pretty strong right now yes, but hopefully with time it can be overcome. I'm just afraid that I won't be or live a life close to anything how I want to live. I have these really acceptable standards for myself, but I'm just scared to
DEATH to take the plunge and expose myself to people. I sit here like about to cry just thinking about it, I want to be who I am and I think I can really enjoy life if I do that, but I'm scared to let everyone else see me for my true self. I've been bound so tight by all these rules that people tell me, and I can't break free of all the social norms of how I'm suppost to act.
It's like I have this self that really wants a chance of life, yet I'm trapped behind bars and can't ever be free'd. Argh analogies aren't my thing, but hopefully you get the idea. Then to top it off, the self doubt comes in to factor in there, causing even more problems.