Hey guys, I'm new here, and I spent the last little while trying to find a topic like this and failing (it is 3am though so I mighta missed it).
Here's an overview of me trans-wise: I identified as genderqueer, then a GQ guy (I'm afab), then just as a trans guy for two years. I was never completely comfortable with being a 'man' though. More recently I started thinking about nb identities again, and for the last few months I've tentatively IDed as agender or genderless.
But I'm still really attached to he/him pronouns and most male terms, and I want testosterone and some ftm surgeries. Physically I know I want to look like a guy. No confusion about it. That's what I want out of transition--to look male enough that I can wear some girly stuff and act in some girly ways and still be confident as a sometimes fem dude.
My dilemma is that I'm finally on track to see a psychologist and get an HRL and get closer to getting T, which I really need. My mtf friend who went to him got an HRL after 2 sessions and the pickings around here are slim for trans people looking to get hormones. She told me afterwards when I asked her that she thought this psych wouldn't be very accepting of nb trans people--but she doesn't have any proof, she just gets that feeling.

I have a referral to this guy and I don't know when I'll get to see him (it took my friend 2 weeks, it's been 29 days for me) and I'm really worried about whether I should pretend to be a binary trans dude or be honest. People say to be honest to your therapist but I have wanted T for three years now and I'm really scared that if I tell him the truth I wont get it. Is there a point to being honest when I want the same physical results as a trans man?
If he wont give me a T letter there's only one other trans-friendly psych in town and last time I tried to get referred to him I never heard back. I don't want to blow my only chance but what if I lie about being NB and he can see I'm lying and THAT causes him to give me nothing.

I'm overthinking this but it's really stressing me out. I've never seen a therapist before about anything.
Does anyone have any similar experiences? Have you pretended to be binary to get hormones and do you regret it?

I am presenting as a femme transguy to my gender psychiatrist whom I've been seeing for over 5 years now. I have only begun to identify as agender/genderless since the beginning of this year, so 10 months.

I have thought about coming out as non-binary to him but unfortunately, there isn't much specified in the Harry Benjamin SOC that allows non-binary folks to receive FtM bottom surgeries. I really would not be thrilled with the idea of having top surgery delayed to have more "therapy" to ensure I am confident in my new identity or him expecting me to slide back to identifying as a man and bottom surgeries denied to me on the basis that I am non-binary.

So I have decided I am still presenting as a transman to him. It's not a lie because a transman body is relatively close to what would eliminate gender dysphoria to align with my agender identity. The only thing I do regret is I wish I had discovered I was agender earlier before starting hormones because a deep masculine voice and excess body hair aggravates my dysphoria. So far, voice therapy and shaving obsessively is helping. I am currently thinking over hair removal options but I do not have the funds to do so as I am saving up for top surgery mid-2015. Part of me worries I will not like my voice, even after it's modified with voice therapy... part of me fears I will inevitably end up getting VFS.

I am also experiencing irritability that has been growing steadily over the months since I begun identifying as agender, I believe I may need to go on a low-dose of T to settle that irritability or go off it entirely... still thinking about it and will intend to discuss with doctors later on. Aside from the irritability, I have been happier than I've ever been, when not crippled by dysphoria over voice and body/facial hair. 

Hope this helps!

Welcome to Susan's

Kind regards,

Jacey

Quote from: Goathead on October 31, 2014, 04:59:05 AM
I have a referral to this guy and I don't know when I'll get to see him (it took my friend 2 weeks, it's been 29 days for me) and I'm really worried about whether I should pretend to be a binary trans dude or be honest. People say to be honest to your therapist but I have wanted T for three years now and I'm really scared that if I tell him the truth I wont get it. Is there a point to being honest when I want the same physical results as a trans man?
If he wont give me a T letter there's only one other trans-friendly psych in town and last time I tried to get referred to him I never heard back. I don't want to blow my only chance but what if I lie about being NB and he can see I'm lying and THAT causes him to give me nothing.

I'm overthinking this but it's really stressing me out. I've never seen a therapist before about anything.
Does anyone have any similar experiences? Have you pretended to be binary to get hormones and do you regret it?

I've come across all sorts of gatekeeping. Here's my advice FWIW:

* If you have a choice - i.e. there are other therapists you could go to - I'd make a go at being honest and letting him help you. If he turns out to be a gatekeeper, then jump ship and try someone else.

* If he's the only therapist you could realistically get a hormone letter from, present as close to a binary trans dude as you can. Since you need the letter, you don't want to jeopardize that.

This might get me smited or worse, and an awful lot of people think one should never deceive a healthcare provider, but I think when there's gatekeeping, you need to take care of number one.

lying can sometimes be necessary. if you have to, then do it.
just never deceive yourself.
always know what's a lie and what's truth.

and if you need help to stay yourself when an evil therapist tries to convince you that you are a man, and you are almost convincing yourself,
find a psychologist to talk to.
someone who doesn't care about letters for hormone treatment, but only is interested in your well-being.
or you could come here to talk to us. we're here for you too.

Thanks for the reply, Echelon.
Do you find it hard to pretend to be a trans man with your therapist? Or do you more just let him think what he thinks and not contradict him? I'm thinking of just avoiding the topic--going in there and saying 'I want testosterone, I want a body like this, I've been presenting as male among friends and family for 2 years now and am happier & more comfortable that way,' so that he assumes I'm a trans man without me lying about anything.
Also I see form your sig that you are asexual. Hope you don't mind me asking but I'm also aro ace and I'm not sure whether I should tell him or not. I probably will if he asks about my sexuality but I'm a little worried about him thinking I have some disorder or other and therefore not trusting me about being trans.
I'm worrying so much because I live in a very conservative area that is mainly retired folks so I suspect the psychologists here might be behind the times a bit.

suzifrommd:thank you for your advice. I will be moving to Vancouver for school in a few months so I know I should be able to have better luck with getting hormones there, I just really don't want to wait that long with waitlists and such.
I think I will try not lying, but obfuscating the truth somewhat. Unless he outright asks me 'do you identify as a man' I think everything I have to say is something a trans man could say. Once I have a first session with him I'll decide where to go from there.

Thanks again to both of you!

(People keep replying while I type    Thanks Taka I will keep that in mind. I've been thinking a lot about identity and who I am for 3 years now and I'm pretty solidly rooted in my beliefs at this point. This place is v cool and I will definitely report back once I've seen the guy, tell y'all how it goes!)

Quote from: Goathead on October 31, 2014, 06:27:15 AM
Thanks for the reply, Echelon.
Do you find it hard to pretend to be a trans man with your therapist? Or do you more just let him think what he thinks and not contradict him? I'm thinking of just avoiding the topic--going in there and saying 'I want testosterone, I want a body like this, I've been presenting as male among friends and family for 2 years now and am happier & more comfortable that way,' so that he assumes I'm a trans man without me lying about anything.
Also I see form your sig that you are asexual. Hope you don't mind me asking but I'm also aro ace and I'm not sure whether I should tell him or not. I probably will if he asks about my sexuality but I'm a little worried about him thinking I have some disorder or other and therefore not trusting me about being trans.
I'm worrying so much because I live in a very conservative area that is mainly retired folks so I suspect the psychologists here might be behind the times a bit.

It's not hard to pretend to be a transman because essentially, I am still being myself - does that make sense? At times, it does weigh on me a lot about presenting as a transman to my psychiatrist when I would rather come clean and admit I am agender but I fear know the consequences will take away my choices in transitioning regarding my body. That fear fact alone steels my will.

I have had my psychiatrist ask my sexuality a few times, whether I am interested in men or women. Back then, I didn't know I was aromantic asexual so I just blurted the sex I thought I was attracted to. I have been in relationships in the past and they have not worked out (due to personality incompatibility rather than anything to do with my transition). Since that happened and since I began identifying as aromantic asexual, I haven't felt the need to come out to my psychiatrist. I just simply say I'm not interested in dating at the moment as I would like to focus on myself and getting the right body which in itself, is true. He doesn't argue with that, thankfully!

Sexuality and gender are separate. A well-versed gender therapist and/or psychiatrist will know the difference between the two. If they focus on the former obsessively, run for the hills! I've had a therapist assume I have a sexual identity problem (due to my diagnosis being Sexual Identity Disorder, wow, that term is so outdated!) and the sessions consisted delving into my masturbation habits and asking me why I masturbate thinking I have a penis when I have a vagina, I should enjoy fantasies of receiving penetration, not giving penetration. Eugh *shudders* So glad I am not seeing him anymore!

the post is old but I will reply anyway.
--
I complitely understand the fear of rejection however as Taka say its important to be self aware of it.
I think lying are a bad option which only are there if you cant get thought in any other ways, I mean the therapy was ment to help you being yourself and its not easy when you are to lie.

So before going to this doctor I would advice you to try seek, are you sure they are the only ones in your area? have you asked around the people in your area, trans and health suporters?
and have you consider people outside your own location?

For me myself I traveled outside my city(and country) to get top surgery, because the doctor there was much better than the once in my area, its not about the distance but the result and your health and wellbeing, you must remember that is very important.