Umm,
I've noticed that I'm really diving into this gender identity stuff deep lately..
Its becoming my way of thinking almost all the time now.?
I dream in trans identity at night a lot now.?

This is supposed to happen right.? Yes of course, this is the whole point of everything..?
It feels very natural, innocent, all that, but just different, odd.?

My whole life up to a few months ago was of a repressed, miserable CISguy..Now look at me, I'm like a totally differently thinking and behaving person..

It's like my mind has transformed its way of thinking, and of seeing the world now.?
I feel more and more distance forming between my CIS friends and myself, its like we're just not on the same page sometimes.?

I'm just not sure all this is supposed to happen, or if anyone has anything to say about it.??

If you say you were repressed and miserable before a few months ago, how do you feel now?

If learning about transgender identities have helped undo the repression and lessen the misery, perhaps even question the identity you've had for so long and took for granted, it sounds like a good thing to me!

I feel distance between my cis friends as well. I also have a cis friend who is well versed on non-binary folks as well as asexuality so it feels great that I can hang with her and discuss gender topics and she will understand, even relate to me on certain aspects.

You're alright, Mark! This is normal. I went through this myself when I began to walk away from the tranman label and towards non-binary/agender... I was like, this feels right but it feels different. A good  "for the better" different.

Hey Mark,

I'm experiencing the same thing. I'm not sure it's "supposed" to be that way, but it definitely isn't out of the ordinary .

i'm not sure if being non-binary means you're supposed to feel distance to cis friends.
but suddenly discovering a whole new side to yourself, one that feels more natural, happier, and generally better than pretending it wasn't there, could easily make relations awkward, with people who've known you as a person without those traits.

maybe what you need to ask yourself, is how big a deal you should make your non-binariness in how you relate to your friends.
people love to talk about things that matter a lot to them. like how their favorite team won, or they found the most amazing boy/girlfriend, or they won a prize, etc.
but talking too much about it, can make others shy away.

you've found yourself. it's a great thing.
but do others need to know all that much more than that you've become a happier person, with some odd behaviors?
do you need to explain non-binary, or is it enough to tell that you suddenly realized it's ok to show the girliness that you used to hide before?

what if your friends just don't know how to answer all you say or write about being non-binary, because they have no idea how to understand it and how that is supposed to change the way they relate to you?

i found out that what i am is called non-binary, it's a thing, i'm not the only one, and i have reason to believe that it's real and not just me being delusional. for a long time i wanted to talk about it with everybody, tell them all about it, because it's such a big discovery. feels like having found atlantis, really. but thinking and thinking more and again, i came to realize that it's not atlantis, and won't make the slightest difference to other people's lives, and i'm probably the only one who gets it anyway, so why make a big deal out of it if it doesn't even change how i want people to relate to me (other that not treat me like an ordinary woman, but most people don't anyway).
so i decided that for me, it's enough to be me. and as people get used to it, reveal more of me to them. now i've started a slow coming out process, one that will hopefully end with everybody knowing i'm not an ordinary woman, but still an ok person, and it doesn't even matter in any practical way. i'm hoping to open a new door in this community that people can come out of, and discover that there's already a place for them here.

i'm kind of wondering about how it must be to come out as gay to people when the only response is "that's cool". all the fear and agony, excitement and hopes. it seems like such a big deal, because you're different. but some people really will just answer "oh, that's cool". and it changes nothing. that's how it should be like, to come out as trans. no stupid questions about surgeries or hormones or anything, just a quick question about pronouns and names. maybe dress too, but nothing more.

Generally speaking, friends are worth fighting for (not that you should force relationships that aren't working).

A lot of that happened to me. it was like opening pandora's box. so much change so fast and I spent a lot of time thinking about it.

my relationship with my friends has remained but it's not the same for some.

Quote from: EchelonHunt on October 31, 2014, 12:16:25 AM
If you say you were repressed and miserable before a few months ago, how do you feel now?

If learning about transgender identities have helped undo the repression and lessen the misery, perhaps even question the identity you've had for so long and took for granted, it sounds like a good thing to me!

I feel really good now.! Like pieces of me that were a mystery before, have come together to make sense, and free me of burdons I've felt most of my life..

I definatelly was miserable before, alcoholism, depression, even suicidal as a teen.. I just never knew what Trangender or any of these identities meant, or even existed, so I continually tried to hide part of me, and force myself into the binary boxes I was told I should be in, it just sucked my energy out all the time.. I guess it just feels so different to me to really feel complete and happy at a deep level, I'm not sure what to think of it all sometimes.?

Quote from: EchelonHunt on October 31, 2014, 12:16:25 AM
I feel distance between my cis friends as well. I also have a cis friend who is well versed on non-binary folks as well as asexuality so it feels great that I can hang with her and discuss gender topics and she will understand, even relate to me on certain aspects.

You're alright, Mark! This is normal. I went through this myself when I began to walk away from the tranman label and towards non-binary/agender... I was like, this feels right but it feels different. A good  "for the better" different.

Haha, thanks Jacey..! I do feel more normal than I ever have before.. Not sure what Normal really is though..

I think with the friends issue, I might overdue things sometimes, just to make sure I'm understood.? I would just feel awkward if friends in real life stopped by, and in conversation asked me, So when are you having surgery..? lol. (deer in headlights) look..........

Quote from: adrian on October 31, 2014, 02:05:02 AM
Hey Mark,

I'm experiencing the same thing. I'm not sure it's "supposed" to be that way, but it definitely isn't out of the ordinary .

Thanks Adrian.. I know we're all different and go through different experiences, and it's a very good thing I think..!

Quote from: Taka on October 31, 2014, 02:33:28 AM
i'm not sure if being non-binary means you're supposed to feel distance to cis friends.
but suddenly discovering a whole new side to yourself, one that feels more natural, happier, and generally better than pretending it wasn't there, could easily make relations awkward, with people who've known you as a person without those traits.

Thats really exactly right.! Theres just more of a distance as I grow, learn more, and reflect that in the things I write, photos I post, etc., that maybe some of my friends, especially CIS friends haven't been exposed to before.. Im just feeling that almost everything I post and write now on social pages has some kind of gender included meaning, and not sure if that's pushing some away.? But I can't help it, it's just where my heart is now..

Quote from: Taka on October 31, 2014, 02:33:28 AM
   i'm kind of wondering about how it must be to come out as gay to people when the only response is "that's cool". all the fear and agony, excitement and hopes. it seems like such a big deal, because you're different. but some people really will just answer "oh, that's cool". and it changes nothing. that's how it should be like, to come out as trans. no stupid questions about surgeries or hormones or anything, just a quick question about pronouns and names. maybe dress too, but nothing more.

Yeah, I agree.. I honestly don't know if I needed to "Come out" several weeks ago, since a lot of people have known me a long time online, most just said "oh, thats cool" like you say. But I wanted to make it a point so people were clear on my identity.. I know it's a good thing cuz 2 friends I never knew much posted to me that they had similar identity desires like I have, and have given it much more thought, one joined here, and I thought that was a positive result of my openness..

I hope you are right, that some day there will be no need for any of this, we'll just be ourselves with no need to explain to anyone, and that will be as acceptable as with anyone elses life..

Quote from: Karen345 on October 31, 2014, 02:51:35 AM
Generally speaking, friends are worth fighting for (not that you should force relationships that aren't working).

Thanks Karen.. Yes I do care for my friendships, as they are very important. But one thing I've learned is that they come and go, and we have to remain ourselves, so they can decide whether they wish to stay or not, knowing who we are and will continue to be..

Gender overdrive on Trans?

Yes, my mind did that, and gravitate to others that are the same..

Mark it makes total sense, especially with the alcohol factor, we obsess, it's part of that.

My brain locks on trans.  Too much.  Balance will come again, and good friends that are cis will remain.

Blessings

Satinjoy

This is a slightly weird thread, so I am going to make my weirdest comment here, or on any site ever.

I have since high-school been master of several forms of meditation.  At my core I have known for a long time that I was Androgynous, or even two-siprited (if it is not a presumptions co-option for me to say so).  For a long time I thought I could balance the equation of my true self against my physical and social reality. 

But I could not.  And trying to brought obsession, terror, and agony. 

Once I started to realize this, I was confronted by an utterly terrifying and inhuman gestalt god-thing in one one of my meditations.  More telepathic than verbal it referred to me as "Our beautiful boy/girl*".

* (Both at once, meaning both, with no scorn or derision to either or the combination, with complete treasuring love of a precious thing.)

It pretty much cut me to my core.  I had suppressed and tried to be something I was not for 25 years, and yet known my best self, and just been afraid to be it.  Or just known how to be it.  All of my pain had been self inflicted.

Now despite my tendencies towards mediation and mysticism, I am basically agnostic.  So I don't necessarily believe that that Lovecraftian horror-terror that I jokingly call my spirit animal is real.  It doesn't need to be, it might just be an abstraction of deepest and most honest self, but it has also given me more and better advice than any living thing ever has.

I am just me.  I don't need to be anything other than I am.

I can make it more complicated than that, but I shouldn't.

I just need to love and take care of myself.

I just need to be my best self.

Than I can be my at my best for others.


- Jaded Jade

Quote from: Jaded Jade on November 01, 2014, 02:36:15 PM
This is a slightly weird thread, so I am going to make my weirdest comment here, or on any site ever.

I have since high-school been master of several forms of meditation.  At my core I have known for a long time that I was Androgynous, or even two-siprited (if it is not a presumptions co-option for me to say so).  For a long time I thought I could balance the equation of my true self against my physical and social reality. 

But I could not.  And trying to brought obsession, terror, and agony. 

Once I started to realize this, I was confronted by an utterly terrifying and inhuman gestalt god-thing in one one of my meditations.  More telepathic than verbal it referred to me as "Our beautiful boy/girl*".

* (Both at once, meaning both, with no scorn or derision to either or the combination, with complete treasuring love of a precious thing.)

It pretty much cut me to my core.  I had suppressed and tried to be something I was not for 25 years, and yet known my best self, and just been afraid to be it.  Or just known how to be it.  All of my pain had been self inflicted.

Now despite my tendencies towards mediation and mysticism, I am basically agnostic.  So I don't necessarily believe that that Lovecraftian horror-terror that I jokingly call my spirit animal is real.  It doesn't need to be, it might just be an abstraction of deepest and most honest self, but it has also given me more and better advice than any living thing ever has.

I am just me.  I don't need to be anything other than I am.

I can make it more complicated than that, but I shouldn't.

I just need to love and take care of myself.

I just need to be my best self.

Than I can be my at my best for others.


- Jaded Jade

Wow..... I'm soooo glad you posted this, it really means a lot to me to read, and helps so much..

I feel two-spirited sometimes also, or maybe it's the floating back and forth between masculinity and femininity that feels that way.
Whatever the reality of the things that have changed me, pushed me to find my true self, and compassionate forces allowing me to stop and anjoy the place I'm at,
Isn't just an ordinary journey like some CIS talk about having, not to make light of anyones journey, but ours seems so much deeper and soulful..
I don't know what else to say.?
I feel better..
Thank you.!
Now I get emotional here because I grow..

Jaded Jade, for some reason, your post reminded me of a song which has helped me through a lot of rough spots: "Better Son/Daughter," by Rilo Kiley.

QuoteBut you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend

You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Awesome lyrics..!!! 

Thyank you..