Hi all, first post outside the intros page.

Essentially, I'm looking for advice from people who have learned to cope with dysphoria without taking the hormone or transition route.
I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. I've accepted that I'm suffering as I am currently. I've reached out to my GP who, in agreement with a therapist, that I'm suffering with GID. I've been referred to to the local gender clinic, although the may be some wait before I'm in through the door.
But my current life situation prevents me from taking the transition route. I'm married to my best friend of 16 years. We have 3 wonderful tiddilers, and in general, quite a good life. But she doesn't want me to change. When I came out to her, we agreed that for our relationship to continue, I must agree to no hormones and no public outings in femme mode. And to be honest I'm not even comfortable dressing at home with her around.
Given the choice, I would alway chose her and the kids over my own happiness, and that's something I won't change.

So, any advice on how I can survive this? The last year has found me struggling more and more to cope with the day to day. And I feel like I'm going under.

Sounds like a difficult situation, however many have probably been in a similar situation. I do not have kids, but in the end I lost everything and everyone because I choose for myself. Was it worth it? Yes. And I would do it again.

Quote from: Sbc on November 02, 2014, 05:23:45 AM

Given the choice, I would alway chose her and the kids over my own happiness, and that's something I won't change.

So, any advice on how I can survive this? The last year has found me struggling more and more to cope with the day to day. And I feel like I'm going under.

I am currently not in transition myself because my wife and I are trying for another kid. However, I do plan to transition shortly. What has kept me semi-sane? Alcohol, food, running, walking, hobbies/interests, music, film, reading (all at different periods). I would recommend the culture and the exercise - not so much the food and the drinking.

However, I have one crucial piece of advice. If you want to socially transition, you may postpone it but you should not give up on that goal for anyone or anything. Being trans will eat at you and eventually the frustration and the regret will kill you. So you have a choice: 1) happy parent living life to the fullest; or 2) miserable parent becoming more and more depressed and isolated by the year. I know which parent I would rather have as a child.

Yes, you may have to give up your wife. But, your happiness to you is more important than her happiness to you. And besides, if you are miserable and you feel like she and the kids killed your dream you will start to resent them and maybe even one day hate them. So your relationship with them will deteriorate anyway.

The choice is yours but my piece of advice is: "Do not give up on your goal".

I can only say what I have seen here and among transwomen who where inasimilar situation.
Most marriages don't survive, some do of course.

There is a way of overcoming being Trans, hormonal reassignment. Ignoring it and hoping you can control it is sadly futile.

I say this with sorrow.

Hugs

Thanks everyone. Perhaps not the answers I was hoping for but I kinda knew that. I probably should have added, just to add to the awkwardness of this situation, that my wife is disabled. I act as her full-time carer as well as fufulling all home and family commitments. Even if I wanted to leave, it wouldn't be an option. As you can imagine, the stress of being trapped amplifies my depression no end. I have to find a workable solution.   

Quote from: Sbc on November 02, 2014, 07:07:52 AM
Thanks everyone. Perhaps not the answers I was hoping for but I kinda knew that. I probably should have added, just to add to the awkwardness of this situation, that my wife is disabled. I act as her full-time carer as well as fufulling all home and family commitments. Even if I wanted to leave, it wouldn't be an option. As you can imagine, the stress of being trapped amplifies my depression no end. I have to find a workable solution.

What can I say.

My wife is totally disabled, she can move her right hand, sometimes.

My admiration for you is total. I also have an understanding of your situation.

Please feel free to pm me.

My love to you and to your family. You are an exceptional woman.

Ciindy

Thanks, it really helps to know someone out there 'gets it'.
Thankfully, my wife's disablilty is only mobility based, due to complication in the birth of our 3rd child. Life is tough, but we get by. 
That last line made me weep a little, in a good way
Thank you.

Sounds similar to myself on many levels, including the now partially disabled wife and being a working home-maker. I spent a good 30 years "Getting By". I managed to do so using what I call the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. Not that I realized any of this at the time. Looking through various threads this is a tried and true technique.

A gender therapist can help you sort out where in the TG spectrum you really do fall. There are plenty of hetero cross-dressers in this world with plenty of variations in the level and frequencies of dressing. Though I tried hard to convince myself I was a CD++ it only worked on my wife. Deep down inside I always wanted a female body, been on/off HRT several times, hated being a male, etc..

If you can, try to get to a few hetero-CD support group meetings if that is where your gut is telling you you belong. Any TG support group is better then none I think. I avoided them totally untill I hit bottom. I was totally floored during my first meeting. After the third I knew I needed to be there and to let my wife know what was up. At the time I was living some 350 miles away for work. She always new of me being TG. THis was a major escalation. Plus plenty of fears and jealousies since I had a history of dating TS women. This support group, the closest one 90 miles away, consisted mostly of TS women. Her other fear was put as "If you hang out with a lot of swans you'd likely to start thinking you are one also". But this was the closest support group. Next closest was some 3 hour drive away.

GD can, and often does, peak at times of high stress. My perhaps monthly need to escape maleness would jump to weekly or more. Only you can judge just how well your coping mechanisms are working. These peaks sometimes led to me starting low dose HRT just to get that badly needed emotional reset, after which I stopped and was fine for years afterwards.

At the end of the day, transition just as any other life decision is a matter of compromise. What do you gain vs what will it cost. With cost going way beyond monetary but is also a major factor. After six years of taking on the trans beast for real, achieving my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, finally feeling happy in my skin, being at peace with myself, the decision to go full-time is harder then ever. How much better will all of me be? The only thing really missing is feeling totally genuine by always presenting as Joanne. But if that ultimate costs me my career, a fun job, my wife, my home all that I have worked hard for and FINALLY feel I have rightfully earned; Is it worth that cost?

My wife feels, as I do, the others happiness comes before our own. She does not want to stand between me and my happiness anymore then I want to stand in the way of hers. She is more than pleased about the personal growth I have accomplished these past six years. What I am doing is certainly far better than the misery I was causing her in the past. I don't feel that I need to go full-time. If I did her reaction will be that it sure beats finding me hanging on a rope from a rafter in the garage.

My heart goes out to you. I am facing the same issues but I do not have the added stress of a disabled wife. My thoughts are with you.

sbc

I think that the are a number of non transitioners on this site.  Some seem able to avoid transition, some seek to delay transition while others are taking it very slowly.  There are even others, like me, who found that low dose hrt was enough to shut down the dysphoria and are ok with the slow feminisation of the body and mind. 

From experience, dysphoria rarely decreases over time.  You can distract yourself, you can seek to avoid distress and you may cross dress or adjust your presentation to better express yourself.  Whether this will be enough for you, only you will be able to determine.

This is a journey of self discovery, acceptance and expression.  Your gender therapist will help and there may be many twists and turns.  You may be non binary, you may (like Joanne and I) find that your wife, while initially hostile, slowly understands and accepts you as you learn to understand and to accept yourself.

While you may delay this journey and you may take this journey very, very slowly,  this journey is not one that can usually be avoided.  I hope that you connect with other non transitioners and find the path that best works for you.

Safe travels

Aisle