Hi all 

This will sound a little silly but I'm hoping to get something out of this topic.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with GID a couple of years ago, it started to cause family issue and I ended up just stopping all forms of moving ahead because a close family member started to get depressed of my life decisions.

The story is at this stage in my life, I just can't make up my mind weather transition is the right thing for me not. I think about it every day, a couple of times per hour even. But this I also feel the that I could stay male my life and be reasonably happy because I will be able to achieve different things in my life that I would not be able to do if I transitioned. I almost feel as if I have an Alpha Male personality and it clashes with my GID.

I would says I'm happy as it is now, but it is an issue that is on my mind more then 50% of the day.

How did you come to make that final decision  and just say yes this is the right thing for me to do.

I'm just really confused, it's a feeling that just never goes away! It scares me to think ill live the rest of my life like this, with 50% of my day wondering what if?



Thanks for anybody thats willing to read this wall of text, that probably makes zero sense. Just my ramblings that I need to get out. 

What helped me was going out as a woman as often as I can and in as many settings as I could find. I joined a divorced/separate support group and an all-female feminist reading group both as my part-time female self. I also went out shopping or to eat presenting female. It helped me understand what life would be like were I actually to make the change.

Does this help?

Ever since my kidney function took a huge dip 2 years ago I had been focusing on my health and improving my kidney function. The stress of holding my gender issues back was starting to interfere with that and I had to make a choice. A couple of close friends had been edging me to see a therapist for months, but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself tell I realize that my being transgendered was holding me back the longer I didn't deal with it. It was just something I just knew and at that point I actively chose to stop living the lie my life had been up to that point. It felt right to.
Mariah

In my case, I had many issues interacting with people, specially guys... I just felt awkward,  and when I found out I was trans, I started to pay closer attention to moments that would make me feel awkward or out of my element. Every time these moments happened I'd  imagine "what if I were on that girl's shoes?" and I could see that all those issues would simply go away, there would be no issue. I started living as a girl online and as time passed I stopped living my actual life to live online, because I just couldn't  stand being seen as something I wasn't. I could never fully be me with people,  I had different versions of me for everyone,  and it just felt exhausting playing a part. Sometimes it wasn't that bad, but that feeling was still strongly present in me...  When you're  used to being something  and people(specially your family) keep reinforcing the idea that you are a boy you just take that as a fact and it's hard to deconstruct that,  cuz there are also fears...  Would I make a good looking girl,  would I pass, is this 400% what I want? I live in Brazil,  so there was also the huge fear of transphobia, so it all delayed my transition by almost 2 years.
I started only living online,  my phone was synched to my female Facebook account, I would very very rarely get on my male account, until it got to the point where  I couldn't  stand anymore. It was either transitioning or rotting inside my room. I took a trip to NY as my try out and for the first time I just felt like myself. I didn't  have to play a part, be someone else, I was finally me. I could go to the female side of clothing stores,  buy heels,  flats, dresses,  go to the female bathroom and it was just a dream come true... I cried of happiness, and that was before HRT, when I didn't  even know what crying was lol so I knew I needed  to transition. One beautiful day I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I decided that that was the day since then I don't regret it a single day. It's not easy sometimes,  but being able to be yourself and do what you want is just priceless. 

I think I made this decision years ago when I was younger but to actually come out and start was another decision.  When I met someone who accepted me in a romantic/relationship way and wanted to help me transition, that's when I decided the time was right.  I couldn't ever be more happier that I have started.  While still presenting male, when I start presenting female I know that I will be leaving my entire old life behind and moving clear into another state.  Doesn't bother me, I am living for me.  Hate to sound selfish, but nobody else living my life

For me, there wasn't an exact moment of commitment. In fact, I can't say I am completely committed now. Almost every day, I have my moments of extreme doubt. I even have times when the dypshoria seems to utterly vanish, and I am wondering why even do this thing. I know it is a cliche, but I really do take it just one day at a time.

I told myself when I turned 30 that I could not take living a lie any longer, and beyond what some family members wanted I had to be happy and do what I must to achieve it or fear a life of misery or worse.  So I said screw it, I'm going for it.  8 months in and they have been the most incredible and happy 8 months in my life.  I don't feel any regrets and I know this is where my life should be going.  I figured well after 2 months of transition and I don't feel like this is wrong yet, everything felt right and my mind completely stopped dwelling over "wanting" to be a woman, because I was a woman and finally living my life.  It's so incredible of a feeling to sense and feel your mind become at ease and explode into a kaleidoscope of new sensations and feelings of belonging and gender awareness.  Finally, at long last..going from this grey abyss of an existence, not feeling like either gender, then to awaken into feeling like the gender you see in your head.  This is the moment I finally feel like the sex I always new I was and am.

To simply put it.  "Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, and see if it is the right path". Worse case scenario you stop after a few months.  Nothing was permanent after a few months.  But I would say that by then you will know for certain if it is the right path to take.

Hi. In all seriousness,  transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.

Not all transgender people transition. Some find comfort in simply knowing their identity. Some find comfort in just switching roles every now and then.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the best advice I could give.

You'll know if you need to transition because there won't be much of a choice.

I'm at a similar crossroad right now.  I know that I want to transition, but I'm only about 80% committed to it at this point.  But part of that is because I'm still relatively early in the process when turning back is fairly easy.  I'm taking steps in the right direction, but I've recently become keenly aware that I'm not all-in just yet. But the next step or two will require a real commitment.  It's difficult to reverse course after HRT and coming out to everyone.

One thing that is high on my mind right now is that gender dysphoria doesn't seem to get better over time.  And so if I don't transition now, the dysphoria will only get worse, and I'll have even less hair.  I also don't want to live with major regrets and a building resentment toward my wife and family.

I knew the time was right when I realized I was at a good age to transition haha I feel like that helped fuel my drive even more & because with a little makeup I looked like a girl (I had barely turned 14). I was flamboyantly gay before hand & already acted like a girl so it was very natural for me. The damage puberty would do in the next few years was depressing tho :/ Watching yourself get taller & look more masculine when you're a girl is pretty traumatizing. I wen't from about 5'4" - 5'8" in those two years. Can you spell GROWTH SPURT?? Now I'm a tall girl but it's whatevs' cause I'm happy n___n Plus, every guy is usually taller than me still so it's not much I worry about lol

I wasn't sure at first.  I thought that a partial transition might be right for me.  I asked my doctor to put me on testosterone blockers, but to hold off on estrogen.  By the time the bottle was empty I knew I wanted more.

Perhaps like Spooky, the effects of HRT have made it crystal clear there is no going back.  The greyness, confusion and feeling of being unright with myself simply vanished. 

I actually took a pretty long time to "commit"; I started off by doing small things (some women's clothes, pierced my ears, started wearing my already long hair loose, etc.) and after each step, I'd ask myself if it made me happy. If it did, I'd try something else, and so on.

I don't think I accepted that I was "really trans" and would love to live full-time as a woman for several months of that, but HRT made it clear very quickly that I couldn't imagine going back. Still, for anyone with questions, I recommend a similar gradual approach; you don't have to decide everything all at once, and it will become increasingly clear whether the individual steps are adding up to a picture you want or not.

Quote from: SammyRose on November 03, 2014, 12:54:45 PM
Hi. In all seriousness,  transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.

Not all transgender people transition. Some find comfort in simply knowing their identity. Some find comfort in just switching roles every now and then.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the best advice I could give.

You'll know if you need to transition because there won't be much of a choice.

MagicalMysteryMind, this ^^^^ is probably the best observed reply to your questions.

Let's put this into context:

Transition could cost between US$30,000 and US$70,000.  It's not cheap if you factor in psychologists, endocrinologists, FFS, hair removal, voice traning, breast augmentation and SRS.  Most health insurers don't cover it, and government health schemes usually only cover some procedures and the waiting list is long.

You're going to spend an annoyingly large amount of time at therapists, clinics, and above all beauticians to get rid of your beard.  Many people need laser and electrolysis.  If you're blond then work on 150 to 250 hours of electrolysis if you've got a thickish beard.  That's a lot of time...

You're going to find youself much more conscious of the risks of taking yourself through parts of town where as a guy you could just swagger through.  Especially at night.

You're quite likely to lose professional status:  I work in a multinational engineering company.  My female colleagues all comment about how they're not listened to.  It is quite certainly going to happen to me too.  As a girl you cannot bark that loudly.

You will need to replace a whole wardrobe of clothes.  Maybe your clothing consists of t-shirts and jeans.  Hey, cool if that's the case.  As a professional and as a well-dressed woman, I have easily spent $6,000 on new clothes, shoes etc. just to get a new wardrobe.

If you see yourself as an alpha male type, I honestly see a strong contradiction in wanting to become a woman.  You're gonna lose power, lots of it, unless you want to be one of those women who scares all the men.  It is possible, but it ain't particularly elegant or pretty.

So what made me transition?  I simply got to the point where I had to be true to myself and stop hiding.  That's it.

Hope this helps.  I'm not trying to dissuade you, but it really IS a big thing to undertake.

Good luck
Julia

Well, for the majority of my life I really had no idea what was going on with me. I just liked what I liked, and had no idea why. I didn't even question it until my 20s. I thought maybe I was bisexual, because I was aesthetically attracted to androgynous guys. I guess around the age of 28 is when I started to feel detached from being male, so I just called myself a "sentient being inhabiting a vessel". I was becoming more and more into fashion, but not men's fashion. I realised that the women I was constantly attracted to were tomboyish and/or gay, and an emotional connection started to emerge from it all.

I thought back on the many moments in my life where I expressed myself in some feminine way; I observed my past relationships to find the pattern in why they never lasted; I remembered how I always felt uncomfortable with male-oriented compliments and pronouns; I recalled all the moments I felt uncomfortable with sex, because I never really liked having you know what; I noticed that my biology wasn't considerably masculine; I've always been far more emotionally sensitive than my guy friends; and then I put all that together and it just dawned on me...oh my god, I'm a woman.

Once I understood this my dysphoria went through the roof, and so the only logical step from there was transition. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it nags at me daily, but it has to be done. I did give myself a year to really think about it, and I haven't changed my mind. I have no idea how everything is going to turn out, or if I'll even be convincing, because I'm so used to a lot of boyish things. I think way too much about the negatives...but I keep going, and I have a lot of support. It's a little flimsy, but it's there.

If all goes well I'll begin my HRT either this month or the next. I'm hoping that by next Halloween I'll have had some decent changes; enough that I can finally dress up and feel good about it. I skipped a great costume ball this year, and I hope I won't have to skip the next one. This male "skin" has got to go.

I didn't really think about it as commitment. Funny actually, I posted a thread last week about a (slightly drunk but supportive) friend who said he admired my commitment to being a woman (by taking hormones and changing my body", etc. He meant it as compliment but like I don't consider I've committed to being a woman or to being trans, I've committed to being myself. And I knew it was the right decision because every time the thought of backing out crossed my mind I felt ill, sad and sick to the stomach. I knew transition wasn't going to be easy but not doing it was going to be much harder.

Quote from: MagicalMysteryMind on November 03, 2014, 07:13:42 AM
Hi all 

This will sound a little silly but I'm hoping to get something out of this topic.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with GID a couple of years ago, it started to cause family issue and I ended up just stopping all forms of moving ahead because a close family member started to get depressed of my life decisions.

The story is at this stage in my life, I just can't make up my mind weather transition is the right thing for me not. I think about it every day, a couple of times per hour even. But this I also feel the that I could stay male my life and be reasonably happy because I will be able to achieve different things in my life that I would not be able to do if I transitioned. I almost feel as if I have an Alpha Male personality and it clashes with my GID.

I would says I'm happy as it is now, but it is an issue that is on my mind more then 50% of the day.

How did you come to make that final decision  and just say yes this is the right thing for me to do.

I'm just really confused, it's a feeling that just never goes away! It scares me to think ill live the rest of my life like this, with 50% of my day wondering what if?



Thanks for anybody thats willing to read this wall of text, that probably makes zero sense. Just my ramblings that I need to get out. 

I felt similar in that I didn't think I needed to transition. I thought I just wanted to be a women for a long time. I was also very confused and part of me thought I would never transition because I thought I would lose my family. to me it was live as a women and lose my family or keep my family and never become the person that I wanted to be or felt like I was inside.

I struggled with this chain of thought for a really long time. Eventually it lead to me becoming severely depressed and a suicide attempt. at that point I realized it really was a need and not a want. I realized that I needed to accept my self and love  myself enough to transition despite the fact that there is going to be people in my life that I was gonna lose.

Look you may never get to that point. gender dysphoria affects us all very differently. its all about how well you can cope with living as the gender you are perceived as.

I know this may sound stupid but i wanted transition since i was 6 years old, but when i come out to my family well, they hated m so much i put my transition toughts deep into my mind and try to live as half-male, half-person, i was living like that for many years, i wanted to be accepted so badly i was living in a lie, but at age 35 i just reached a point where i got only two choices, suicide or start transition.
it was best decision in my life, now i'm full time and i'm soo happy, at least i'm myself and don't need to hide all my emotions because those was "not poroper" for man, i can't even thin or talk as HE about myself anymore.

I wish you luck with finding your way MagicalMysteryMind.

Quote from: SammyRose on November 03, 2014, 12:54:45 PM
Hi. In all seriousness,  transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.

I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not entirely sure I agree with this. I'm on HRT, and trying not to transition for this very reason. One of my great fears is that I'll succeed, and in decades to come I'll look back on my life and think what a miserable existence it was, and how miserable I've made everyone around me.

Day be day and year by year I've managed to avoid transitioning, but I can't help wonder if the overall cost of doing that far outweighs the the relatively short term damage I'd do by transitioning. Sometimes I wish I had just a bit more desperation to transition, so I could just get on with my life.

Thank you for asking this question. I am also in the same position.