Quote from: Ms Grace on November 04, 2014, 02:53:48 AM
...but like I don't consider I've committed to being a woman or to being trans, I've committed to being myself.

Exactly. I don't think to myself "I want to be a woman". I think, "I need to get this body in line with who I am on the inside."

I always feel I have to keep telling people that I'm not wanting to become a woman. I am a woman, and the more I say that out loud (and within) the more it empowers me. My weakness is dwelling on the incorrectness of my body, and imagining myself as a cis woman when that's impossible, but I know that I'll be shifting that in the right direction the best that I can. Ugh.. now I'm getting emotional.

I had kind of figured out the path I was on, didn't care for it, and I just decided to man up and ignore what I knew was happening and I just kept on keeping on.

As a coping mechanism I was drinking way, way to much alcohol. I was blacking out most nights and I was driving to work still buzzed most mornings. I know that some of you can relate.

I knew that the threads of my "ignore the dysphoria"^tm plan were beginning to unravel. Still I chose to ignore it.

Then the health issues started. I was feeling terrible and my insides hurt all of the time. My body was telling me to fix the problem and quit the alcohol..... or stay the course, get ill, and die.

Well that's a sobering (no pun intended) moment.

Once that light came on for me I knew I was out of options and I knew I was out of time and I could no longer keep ignoring what was happening to me. So I found a therapist and started down this path i'm on, losing my 27 year marriage in the process.

Was it worth it? Yes - being alive beats being dead.

Was is hard and expensive? Yes.

Did it fix every problem in my life? No, but it fixed the biggest problem I was facing (and to be honest it created some new ones), but since that big problem no longer exists and i'm going to stay alive - all things are possible.

MagicalMysteryMind - It is certainly possible to ignore dysphoria and keep on living your current life; many manage make this plan work. Like SammyRose said - transition is a last resort - if you can live your existing life without self destructive issues - by all means do it.  The choices we face in this process are extremely hard, and the losses are staggering; it is a very hard road to walk and if you can avoid walking it you should do so.

I do have to point out that some day your dysphoria might become unbearable and if that happens you will be facing the same choices I was facing. That's when it's time to commit IMO - when you have no other option.

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 04, 2014, 06:49:46 AM
Did it fix every problem in my life? No, but it fixed the biggest problem I was facing (and to be honest it created some new ones), but since that big problem no longer exists and i'm going to stay alive - all things are possible.

YESSS.

I have heard of people transitioning even though it didn't seem like a last resort. There are people that are able to cope pretty well with being there assigned gender but have a really strong internal longing to be a different gender like you do. I have talked to women who never had suicidal thoughts and were fairly happy before their transition.

I wouldn't base you decision on whether or not you are depressed enough to transition. base it on whether you can handle the financial, social, and psychological stresses. and which decision you think will lead to you living a happier and more fulfilling life.

Also I think you should talk to a gender therapist. s/z/he/they can help you work through your feelings. going to a gender therapist was a super rewarding experience for me

Quote from: amber roskamp on November 04, 2014, 07:07:59 AM
I have heard of people transitioning even though it didn't seem like a last resort. There are people that are able to cope pretty well with being there assigned gender but have a really strong internal longing to be a different gender like you do. I have talked to women who never had suicidal thoughts and were fairly happy before their transition.

I wouldn't base you decision on whether or not you are depressed enough to transition. base it on whether you can handle the financial, social, and psychological stresses. and which decision you think will lead to you living a happier and more fulfilling life.

Also I think you should talk to a gender therapist. s/z/he/they can help you work through your feelings. going to a gender therapist was a super rewarding experience for me

Yeah, I've never been suicidal, but then my realisation is pretty recent. I do, however, understand how one could reach that point. It's a heavy load. For me, it will be far more financially stressful. I'm very lucky to have supportive and compassionate friends to help me along the way. I may not have struggled with the knowing as long as many here have, but now that I do know I can't imagine continuing life as anything else. If transition suddenly became impossible for me I would probably be depressed for a while, but I always find a way to push through my obstacles. I've been seen as a guy for 33 years, so I'm sure I could endure another 33. I'd just rather not. Maybe I'll end up looking terrible, but it doesn't matter. I am what I am, and I'll take on whatever is necessary to make sure the outside reflects the inside. My friends are using female pronouns now, and it feels so nice. How could I ever change my mind? 

When I finally stopped being a people pleaser and listened to my own needs instead of others. Choose for yourself, because others also choose for themselves. Once transitioning, there is a kind of need to be egotistical and only focus on yourself. You only do yourself a huge favor to be honest to yourself. Others also live their lives as they are, and you deserve nothing less.

I lost everything and everyone in the process, but I have 0% regrets. I plunged into the abyss. I spent years in loneliness and social isolation through transistion. But you know what? I embraced it all. Solitude taught me strength of heart, persistence and to be courageous. Aloneness taught me to listen to my heart, to not fear the silence and the inner thoughts. I am currently a fresh post-op. And I would pay that price again. The net result was: happiness and being mentally/spiritually/psychologically stronger than I could ever imagine. I am myself, I claimed my own power, and that is powerful.

For most of my life I've been quite confused about sexuality and gender. I tried, sometimes quite successfully to suppress it, or hide from it. I've done some crazy stuff in life and this was all relating to this conundrum I've been in, which is "why don't I feel comfortable in who I am".

After some quite major life events, I took sme time to think about me. Who I was, what I wanted in life, and why I wasn't happy. I came to realise this thing that had bothered me all my life cannot be hidden, or avoided. So I decided to research what transgender was. The more I learnt about it the more I realised everything I was doing fit the bill. And so six months ago a solid decision was made to transition.

If I could have done anything else, I would have done it. This was quite simply a last resort for me. It was very much my last chance at happiness. And now, which a truly epic journey ahead of me, I'm finally happy. And most importantly, I'm happy with who I am

Hugs,
Bree

Quote from: BreezyB on November 04, 2014, 08:14:51 AM
For most of my life I've been quite confused about sexuality and gender. I tried, sometimes quite successfully to suppress it, or hide from it. I've done some crazy stuff in life and this was all relating to this conundrum I've been in, which is "why don't I feel comfortable in who I am".

After some quite major life events, I took sme time to think about me. Who I was, what I wanted in life, and why I wasn't happy. I came to realise this thing that had bothered me all my life cannot be hidden, or avoided. So I decided to research what transgender was. The more I learnt about it the more I realised everything I was doing fit the bill. And so six months ago a solid decision was made to transition.

If I could have done anything else, I would have done it. This was quite simply a last resort for me. It was very much my last chance at happiness. And now, which a truly epic journey ahead of me, I'm finally happy. And most importantly, I'm happy with who I am

Hugs,
Bree

Beautiful. Here at Susan's we can take our journeys together, and that wouldn't have been so easily accomplished just 20 years ago. The internet can be a gruesome mess, but also such a blessing.

We regret the things we didn't do far more than we regret the things we actually did.  Surely this translates into saying that we should always do things we're on the fence about rather than not doing them, as it'll cumulatively reduce regret in the course of our lifetimes?

If you've analyzed the decision about whether to transition or not and still can't decide, then go for it.  Even anecdotal evidence (and there's plenty of it) on this site strongly suggests that few who actually transition wish they'd never bothered.  Nobody's saying life is easier on the other side, or that it's easy to get to the other side in the first place, but generally life is better than what it was beforehand in some sense that makes the journey totally worthwhile.

I have had sort of an interesting revelation the last few days that might be relevant to this thread. My therapist has had me do some experiments to test me a little. Right now, I live most of my social life as female, but present as male for work and to conduct some personal business. My therapist suggested that I should try being female while presenting as male, and to note how that makes me feel. There is a club that I hang out at most of the time, which is essentially the alternative lifestyle friendly version of a "Cheers". It also happens to be April central at the moment. I have showed up there a few times before in male mode, but I always found myself trying to comply with what I saw on the outside. Yet I knew that is where I had to go, if I were going to try my therapist's suggested experiment. The last two days, I found myself very close to this club while in male mode, and decided to be April that way. What I found was, that I was still April. I still dance my authentic dance, and I still can cry. And people who know me, much to my surprise, still got it that I was April. Yet on some level, I felt terribly dysphoric. Even though I was the same person, and that person still bubbled out of me, I felt imprisoned. Yes, April still exists in pants, but it wasn't nearly so much fun. For me, it isn't exactly about a commitment up front, but a journey to find what gives you that tingle in your soul.

I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.

And I was right. Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 04, 2014, 04:44:43 PM
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.

And I was right. Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.

An amazing point, Jenna Marie.  Nobody has to wait until their lives and minds fall apart before they choose transition.  As soon as you figure out that it would make you a happier person, go for it.

I think the question I asked myself was if I could see any joy in living as a male in 10 years from now. The answer was no. When I asked myself the same question about being female in 10 years, the answer was a hesitant yes. Hesitant because I'm not too good at handling feelings of  disappointment/embarrassment about failure and I have had a hard time in believing that it's possible.

But it's not like I got to that point by myself. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the local trans support groups, therapy, and timelines of transitions on the internet, all of which I've followed for several years. And I'm still struggling every day if I'm making the right choice. I do get to enjoy times when I'm out and can consider myself who I really am. I think what April Lee posted about the feelings of being herself in boymode fit me really well too. Though I'm still unemployed, suffer from social anxiety, and often get really lonely, feel like an outsider, and depressed.

The difference is that it just feels like now I have something to live for, so the little joys of getting to be myself keep me committed. I love it when people see me, that's how I know, when I know. I got to that by trying out one little thing at a time. Was scared ->-bleeped-<-less the first time I was out in women's jeans, though I don't think anyone even batted an eyelid. I just felt really good about it and I wanted more, and I still keep wanting more.

The cross over point is unique and different for everybody so that is hard to quantify. It is a hugely risky decision and you have to be real with where you set your bar for success or you will become your own worst enemy in the end.

I think it is simple in some ways as I feel you have to be willing to risk everything to gain everything it is a huge risky bet. If you are not good with that then this may not be the best path choice to transition.

Not sure if this helps overall but in the end I made the decision based on that criteria and owned it. If I would have been half way not sure etc it would not have been a good choice for me and my current place in life.

All the best we all know it is not easy in any way to take these steps and anybody who does is amazing in my books!

Well I started my transition after an drug overdose. I was about ending this lifethat  I wasn't able to bear anymore so this was my last chance to finally appreciate the life... and it worked. I had lots of familly issues, most of them became pretty neutral after a few months. Most of familly members who react bad (angry or "sad"/"depressed" for our choices), do it because they ignores how we feel inside. They often think we just have a bubble in our brain or that is is some kind of fantasy. I even heard some of my family members saying to me "Do you really think it's gonna be easier to live as a women?", well not as a women but as myself yes I now know it is.

I must say that I'm enought happy now that I wouldn't even care being alone. It's the first time in my life that I'm in peace with myself. It's still hard when the peoples you love stare at you with "knives sharp eyes".

For me it was inevitable. But I decided when I was 22 to go for it after a major life event... My rough timeline below.



Began dressing at 6, had a neighbor who's mum bought me clothes to dress in.

At 11 I wanted to be a prostitute for Halloween.

By 14 I was stealing mum's lingerie.

At 16 I spent two weeks in a major city on a break as a woman FT.

At 20 I got together with my partner and told her within two weeks of us beginning to date that this was possible.

At 21 we got pregnant. Then became homeless. Did an adoption (responsible thing to do).

At 22 after his adoption and being in a new area (adoption took us from West to East coast and then the end of it we landed in the middle of the country); I thought, "what the hell" and went FT before I even got hormones. Began hormones soon after. Had a wonderful first therapist Michele Omara.

Did 12 years that included the usual dark places we can find ourselves. Sex work. Homelessness. Depression. Thoughts of Self Mutilation (finding a cutter, figured Hijra was better than nada at some points there). Lost my doctor (practice closed, and I was hard for cash). Self Medicated. Came to "terms" with the possibility I may end up non-op.

Then, a sudden career change took me from $20,000 a year to $250,000 a year.

Suddenly it was as if by accepting myself as anything I could be the rest fell into place.

So I guess for me it was always inevitable but became a reality at 22.

Kami

I understand the obviousness of doing things to attain a better emotional and physical state, but few things come with the same risks as transition.

You can literally lose it all. Everything. Including the ability to have your own biological children ( which may or may not be a concern ). And it's a one-way door when you start coming out. You can't take it back if you find out that it's not the right path. And there are men and women that do find that transition is not right for them.

Maybe it's a reflection on me, but I wouldn't gamble it all without it being a last resort.

Do I regret not transitioning earlier ( I did so at 33 )? Absolutely. But, I was not ready or capable of dealing with a transition and everything it comes with before that final point. And I accept that completely, and it is what it is. There were times where I wasn't sure I'd survive this otherwise remarkably successful transition.

It is serious stuff that can have devastating consequences. Test the waters (safely), explore yourself, seek help. Be sure.

There was a quote I've read here at Susans once... Something along the lines of... Compared to transitioning, Russian Roulette is nothing.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 04, 2014, 04:44:43 PM
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.

And I was right. Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.

This is very resonant with me. I'm a very successful person with an amazing and interesting life, and I just had to admit that I was emotionally treading water. I could have kept on going a little while longer, but I wanted to do things on my terms while I was still young enough to have good results. I did find out, after I started, That I was far closer than i had imagined regarding losing it and having a forced transition. Once those floodgates open up you can be surprised by what comes out.

I also have to admit I simply didn't have the internal fortitude to be successful if I had started much earlier, I simply needed time to build the confidence in myself.

Quote from: SammyRose on November 05, 2014, 01:39:32 AM
You can literally lose it all. Everything. Including the ability to have your own biological children ( which may or may not be a concern ). And it's a one-way door when you start coming out. You can't take it back if you find out that it's not the right path. And there are men and women that do find that transition is not right for them.

Maybe it's a reflection on me, but I wouldn't gamble it all without it being a last resort.

If I wasn't clear in my last post gambling on losing it all was what I was fearing the most and it is the main reason I held off as long as possible. I didn't want to transition; I didn't want to be a transsexual; I didn't want to lose the life that I knew and was comfortable with; I didn't want to lose my long term marriage of 27 years to my best friend; I didn't want to experience possible discrimination and rejection; and I dang sure didn't want the challenge of trying to present as a somewhat passable female at 50 years of age.

I wanted NONE of it.

And yet my dysphoria and the effects it was having on my health and well being eventually drove me to transition. Some can withstand dysphoria and keep living as they are without transitioning but I am not one of those people; dysphoria eventually broke me down and defeated me. I lost pretty much everything, but with the losses also came gains.

Consider carefully what you may be risking when you are making the decision to transition.

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 05, 2014, 02:20:08 AM
If I wasn't clear in my last post gambling on losing it all was what I was fearing the most and it is the main reason I held off as long as possible. I didn't want to transition; I didn't want to be a transsexual; I didn't want to lose the life that I knew and was comfortable with; I didn't want to lose my long term marriage of 27 years to my best friend; I didn't want to experience possible discrimination and rejection; and I dang sure didn't want the challenge of trying to present as a somewhat passable female at 50 years of age.

I wanted NONE of it.

I'm so sorry Eva... Your post caused a tear or two.

I remember the dread, feeling exactly as you describe, wanting absolutely nothing to do with being transgender or transition, and being without a choice in the end. I don't know, this may be one of those hurts that never go away, even after getting to the other side.

I really do have endless amounts of respect for the men and women that go through transition. Knowing just how it can be first hand, there's not a soul on the earth who deserves it.