I've just recently started seeing a therapist regarding making the transition.  As I read all the material out there, there's plenty of cheerleaders, but not as many talking about disappointment or regrets.  At this point in my life, I'm absolutely terrified of not passing eventually (ideally being able to hide as male for a big part of the transition).  I'm a very stocky guy with a frame that sits right at the male medium to large.  For example, I haven't worked out my upper body much in the last 6 months (if at all), my underarm chest measurement is 48 or 50 inches.  My current partner says I have very male mannerisms in a lot of regards.  I am a norwood 5 or 6 as far as scalp hair is concerned, and I have very fine head hair.  I get the feeling that I'd have to wear wigs, and that hair transplants just won't cover enough to use my own natural hair.  I'm 5'8", so I'm not overly tall, but on the tall range for women.  My current approach is a see what happens.  For example, I need to loose a lot of weight, and I can work on that now.  Sadly I have light skin and mostly blonde or red body hair (including beard).  It essentially nixs laser hair treatment as an option.  Assuming I get to a good weight, then I have sort of sketched out what I think might work.

- start HRT
- start electrolysis on beard
- buy a couple of outfits to work on appearance, walk, etc
- buy 1-2 wigs
- buy makeup
- practice aggressively with the above (pictures in the beginning and then out in public later
- at the 6 month mark assess the state of things
- get FFS at about the 1 year mark perhaps
- at 1.5 year mark see about getting vocal surgery (possibly if voice training isn't working well)
- at 1.5 year mark evaluate going full time
- possibly assess additional surgeries to make face more feminine
- at 2.5 mark consider breast implants and SRS

Does this even make sense.  I'm having a hard time coming to grips with all of this.  I've wanted it for as long as I can remember, but I won't delude myself into thinking anything will be easier after and certainly not during.  I get the feeling that I'd be sitting at at least 40 when I hit the full time mark (wow double hit - 40 and not quite there).

Any advice?  At this point I'm one very frightened little girl emotionally, and looking for feedback or input.

Thanks in advance for any support you may offer,
AmySoContrary

I think its just a matter of how important it is to live life as a woman

Hi Mary.  Same age as me - don't worry.

Looking at everything that has to be done, it's overwhelming.  Take the first step, then the next, then the next etc.  It's soooo much easier.

Therapy, HRT, and while you're doing that, you can lose weight, work on losing the facial hair etc.  Plenty of these things can be done in parallel rather than series.  Progress is slow, but it's progress!  It'll take years for us both, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the process.

Passability?  Can be done at any age with enough money and time.  I've given up on trying to become some super stealth female, aiming instead to be a pretty middle-aged transgirl.  So much easier, so less expensive and painful, equally cute.

I'm 36 and one of the reasons I started now (versus later) is I fear what father time will do to me. The sooner the better but it is never too late, IMO.

That said, I will never be deep stealth due to having a marriage (for now?) and children, as well as a history.

But I'll be darned if I don't try to pass... There's someone here who is over 60 who passes extremely well IMO, whereas there are 20 and 30 somethings who don't. So never say never!!!

Hello Mary!

If anything, I would start hair removal as soon as possible. It takes at least two years. (It took me 3.5 years) it is one of the biggest issues in transition. You won't regret it when you start soon. You might regret it when you procrastinate it. It makes such a massive difference, especially when the estrogens start to come online. Your face will shine and become softer.

I wish you good luck on your journey. It can be (very) tough, but it does get so much better with time.

There's a huge thread about people transitioning in their 30s, and it's amazing and wonderful to see the success stories.

(I was 32 when I started, 5'8" and built like a giant square. I have no problems now. HRT is magic for many people. )

everyone said I look too masculine too, don't worry you can turn it into an asset, I feel that the struggle with that is an asset too, those two things I find beautiful in a women like ourselves

Thanks for all the encouragement.  It does give me some hope.

Hey Mary

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I'd suggest you can start beard removal now, electrolysis takes freaking forever (and is expensive and painful) so no point in delaying it. Being on HRT makes some difference to the electro process but if you use multiprobe galvanic (which is permanent) it is negligible.

Ditto the diet. Start working out how to drop the pounds/kilos now. For many, weight loss becomes difficult once on HRT. If you are worried about hair loss, look into minoxidil (topical application for regrowth) or talk to your doctor about Finasteride, which is an anti-DHT medication

I wouldn't get too hung up with measurements of this body part, etc. HRT is not an overnight wonder drug but it will often result in significant changes over a 12-24 month period. Muscle will reduce and fat deposits will appear in more womanly places. Check out the Before & After threads over some inspiration.

I'm a 6'3", later transitioner (47, now 48) and yes there are some hurdles (like needing to wear a wig) but I do (apparently) pass well and have no trouble in public. So, y'know, yay! Miracles can happen but passing is basically the end result of confidence, belief in oneself, patience, fortitude, presentation, etc.Sometimes facial and/or vocal surgery may be required but not always, you may think you need it but wait and see.

There's a lot here on the site that can help and reassure.

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Cheers

Grace

Hi Mary (Amy),

I know the list can be a lot but getting healthy and aligned it very important. Like others said lose weight, exercise for lean muscle, eat healthy, see your therapist, HRT and laser/electro.

Also, grow your hair and get finasteride and minoxidil. I also micro dermal roll  to increate the effect of the minoxidil. I have had a lot of success with this. Later I will move some hair around to make it look good. Your hair follicles are not dead but must be revived. The process for me so far has been 17 months so patience is crutail.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 01, 2014, 01:30:47 PM
I'm a 6'3", later transitioner (47, now 48) and yes there are some hurdles (like needing to wear a wig) but I do (apparently) pass well and have no trouble in public. So, y'know, yay! Miracles can happen but passing is basically the end result of confidence, belief in oneself, patience, fortitude, presentation, etc.Sometimes facial and/or vocal surgery may be required but not always, you may think you need it but wait and see.

Hi Mary-

I'm similar to Ms Grace - i came out at 51 and i'm 5'8" and I weigh 182 lbs. I am a wee bit tall for a female but my height works to hide my weight along with a very careful selection of the tops I wear to minimize my upper body build. Everyone tells me that I am skinny and i'm thinking -->  when I hear that.

I have to wear a wig too *sigh*.... I went through a careful process of buying and trying several cheap wigs on ebay until I found a style that really works well on me and hides what I want hidden.

I apparently pass pretty well and I have no trouble in public. The long stares that tell you someone has clocked you are few and far between for me.

I've been on low dose HRT for about 5 years and on a transitioning level HRT dose for 12 months - the hormones really helped me look femme. I was going through some stuff the other day and I ran across an old drivers license and in the picture on the license my face was fat. I can clearly see the changes that have happened to my face when I look at that old picture and compare it to me now. I still weigh about the same as I did then; the fat has redistributed.

Like others have said - start on the hair removal now. I waited too long for electrolysis - I got a year of laser done before I went full time and now I've got the grey hairs left to deal with. I clean them up in the morning before work but by quitting time I can feel them again; luckily they don't show but I want them gone.

Confidence is a huge key to passing. If you project confidence people will feel that and will just assume you are female and will go on about their business without another thought.

I like that you have a rough plan to follow - get going on that plan gurl! 

I think a lot comes down to what is important, to you. I catch a little of you aren't an active cross dresser, so no clothes. I've been a member of MPB club since 14 going from baby fine hair to receeding hair in my teens. Wigs are a pain, but the alternative is nonexistent. I like to think of it is as "Yes, this is MY hair. I paid for it!"

One overwhelming theme I saw in your list was cold hard time frames. They can be dangerous to believe in. Good as a sort of goal because things need dates. Bad if you believe that after X amount of time doing Y, by all accounts I should be ready for Step Z.... but I aint, therefore I am a failure. I know a 62 y/o transwoman who started her transition close to 10 years ago. When went full-time 5-6 years ago. Only now is she getting electrolysis. And yes, she can and did grew a heavy beard. It is all a matter of priorities.

HRT often has the ability to totally change your outlook on life. Priorities can change. While I have often wish I can be full time I am also finally happy to be in my own skin. Actually able to feel I accomplished things in my life. I feel a thousands times closer to being a complete and whole person then ever in my life. I feel I am actually alive and not just some lifeless soulless machine waiting for my warrantee to expire.

In my 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. At 6ft tall,big boned, balding, deep voiced, big feet and hands, etc. as well as negative self esteem and still haunted to this day growing up as a big fat target in a somewhat dysfunctional family, I twice stopped. Today not a lot has physically changed beyond gravity has helped me get closer to my goal height of 5'4" yet I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

Attitude - 90% of passing. The right attitude nurtured by plenty of loving and caring souls in my TG support group. Some help from therapy, especially in unlearning many the unhealthy things I was doing out of reflex since that was how I managed to survive 50 years being trans. Plenty of insights into myself and what was making me tick and methods to help me tick in a new/better way from reading tons of self help books.

My real first step towards transition was learning how to take two totally separate people living inside of me; one in total control, the other cowering in the shadows only occasionally let outside her cell, and get them to peacefully coexist as one whole happy and complete person, the real and true me. After some 5 years I think I am almost there.

Paradoxically, I think both that a plan is important to have, while often times being just a list of things that don't happen, or at least not remotely on the schedule penciled in. The list is great for keeping track and making it feel serious, while the deadlines can help keep you moving in the right direction.

With that said, you should be very careful setting deadlines, and should only use them if you think you can handle the disappointment. Generally I try to figure a realistic  time, then add 50% or even double it. If you think you'll be crushed if you miss one then just have a list.

Honestly you may very well have amazing results; some of them will be due to luck and genetics, but a HUUGE part will be on how badly you want it and are willing to work for it. I'm 35, 7 months along and have had amazing results because I'm working my booty off. I've lost 50+ pounds, and was of similar build to you. I was about 5'9.5" and size 10 shoe in men's, now I'm just under 5'8" and a size 10 in women's so HRT can work miracles if you let it work and you work with it.

For me a plan is part of coping with anything this big.  It gives me a rough idea, but also allows me to think through the possible issues and challenges I might encounter.  It's very unlikely things will go exactly to plan (best laid plans of mice and men and whatnot), but it's a bit of a security blanket.  Based on your feedback I've started to reach out to the electrolysis shops in the area to see who can see new clients.  One of the reputed bests seems to have a few spots, but I won't know until next week or the following week.  Talking to my therapist, it sounded like a good idea to do all of the things I could do, and let the rest fall in to place when I could handle it.  Weight loss, hair, and electrolysis are all up asap.

The weight of the realization that I may not be able to hide like I've been for 38 years hit me 2 weeks ago, and thankfully reading everyone's story here and my therapist have helped me to start moving forward.  For the first time since I was a teenager, I find myself feeling very insecure and awkward.

Once again thank you for encouragement and advice.

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 01, 2014, 02:09:34 PM
Hi Mary-

I'm similar to Ms Grace - i came out at 51 and i'm 5'8" and I weigh 182 lbs. I am a wee bit tall for a female but my height works to hide my weight along with a very careful selection of the tops I wear to minimize my upper body build. Everyone tells me that I am skinny and i'm thinking -->  when I hear that.

I have to wear a wig too *sigh*.... I went through a careful process of buying and trying several cheap wigs on ebay until I found a style that really works well on me and hides what I want hidden.

I apparently pass pretty well and I have no trouble in public. The long stares that tell you someone has clocked you are few and far between for me.

I've been on low dose HRT for about 5 years and on a transitioning level HRT dose for 12 months - the hormones really helped me look femme. I was going through some stuff the other day and I ran across an old drivers license and in the picture on the license my face was fat. I can clearly see the changes that have happened to my face when I look at that old picture and compare it to me now. I still weigh about the same as I did then; the fat has redistributed.

Like others have said - start on the hair removal now. I waited too long for electrolysis - I got a year of laser done before I went full time and now I've got the grey hairs left to deal with. I clean them up in the morning before work but by quitting time I can feel them again; luckily they don't show but I want them gone.

Confidence is a huge key to passing. If you project confidence people will feel that and will just assume you are female and will go on about their business without another thought.

I like that you have a rough plan to follow - get going on that plan gurl! 

I can relate with Ms. Grace and Eva Marie in respect to the height and weight. I stand 5'8" and weigh 200 lbs, and I also wear a wig, but it all boils down to presentation. I always strive to do my best with my presentation and it always seems to work. .

I am 40 years old and this whole being TG and what not just hit me so hard lately when all these feelings that I have been running away from my entire life finally caught up to me and hit me so hard in the face. As you can tell by my picture I am very much still male and making the steps to becoming female scare the hell out of me and I get so freaked out. I worry about the future so much and what will I do for a job if I take the steps in becoming more female. I mean right now its just dressing in my privacy of my own room and then I think about dressing in public freaks me out and so on. I mean sometimes I will just dress up in my room and other times I don't. I know that I am a woman inside but sometimes she doesn't always want to come out and I won't always wear panties and sometimes I still wear my male clothes, its not that I really want to keep wearing my male underwear its just that I don't have lots of panties and such to wear. I know that I prefer female clothes over male clothes anyday.

I am not sure if I will ever be passable but once I see a Gender Therapist then I will go from there. I just want more of an understanding on who and what I am and where I want to go. Baby steps are what I am doing now and they are very very small ones at that.

Quote from: Sandy74 on November 04, 2014, 10:09:05 AMI am not sure if I will ever be passable but once I see a Gender Therapist then I will go from there. I just want more of an understanding on who and what I am and where I want to go. Baby steps are what I am doing now and they are very very small ones at that.

Good call on the therapy - the best place to start transitioning in my opinion.

Baby steps are perfect for transitions.  Even very, very small steps will get you to where you want to be, and the very act of taking steps forward has such an uplifting, positive effect.  There's no rush to transition overnight, not even at your (our) age, and I'm right there with you taking those tiny little steps as often as I can.