So I posted this introductions because I'm new here but I really need some guidance and friends. the beginning is about me, the end has my questions. Thank you so much for reading.
so my real name is not sam but it is a good gender neutral name that I feel comfortable using for this website.
A little about me... I'm 25 and I have twin boys who just turned 5. I'm just finishing up my masters (last semester then an internship and I'm done!)
I've been questioning my whole life.
As soon as I was old enough to decide what I wanted to wear and how I wanted my hair cut (5 years old) I preferred boys clothes (I stole my older brothers underwear because I didn't want to wear the girl underwear in my drawer) I wore my brothers old clothes and I insisted on having a bowl cut like him as well. Everyone knew I was a tom boy but what they didn't know was the joy I felt when strangers at the store would mistake me for a boy and refer to me with male pronouns.
Around 3rd grade I started to realize I was different from the other kids so I started ever so slowly trying to be more feminine. I wore skirts to school sometimes (surprise, actually they were skorts) I never felt like a girl. around 4th grade I became extremely unhappy and started becoming over weight.
fast forward to 8th grade when I started wearing boys clothes again and I liked it. at the end of 8th grade I cut my hair off short again.
Then in 10th grade I started dressing extremely girly. I mean, I wore a skirt to school e v e r y d a y. I had bright pink clothes, nails done, etc.
Then when I was 16 I learned what transgender was. I realized, wow that's an option??? I cut my hair off again. I made a myspace profile with the name Jayden, I made internet friends who thought I was a boy and I came out to my bestfriend as transgendered. I lived that way until after highschool. My first year of community college I emailed my professors before hand and let them know my legal name but that I was transgendered, preferred male pronouns and went by Josh. They were all awesome and accepting and I didn't have any problems.
1 year later I started experimenting with being female again. I started wearing dresses, skirts, leggings, doing my nails, growing my hair out. shortly after that change I became pregnant (19 by this time, and making really stupid choices)
When I was 21, my twins were 18 months old, I started having these thoughts and feelings resurface. I thought, wow I can't do that to my kids so now I really have to hide it. I started making some online friends who thought I was a boy and I was able to live vicariously through the internet. I was able to deal with that for a while.
lately the cycling has been more frequent; few months of strong feelings one way or the other. I've spoke to my therapist about it but I have so much else going on that it's been on the back burner. I understand that gender is fluid and that helps me cope knowing that I don't have to identify either way. However deep down I want to identify one way or the other and I want to stop swinging back and fourth. I've tried so hard the past five years to stick with being female and I've come back to identifying as ftm. I dream about just being a man.
1 year ago I cut my hair off again (it was all the way down my back and in a moment of bipolar mania I chopped it all off) I wear a wig during the day because I love having pretty hair. This is what is confusing. I either want to be a girl or a boy I do not want to be a "butch" female. I do not want to be a female with short hair. If I'm going to express myself truly, I want to be male. Being a tom boy or whatever isn't good enough.
I do like some girl things. I like doing my makeup, I like doing my hair, I like the way my wig looks. I like picking out outfits (though my outfits are not bright pink and girly, they are more of a tom boy look but they are all female clothing items). But at the end of the day I come home and I take my wig off and wash my make up off, put on male clothing and wish I didn't have breasts.
As I'm typing this I'm admitting to more than I realized.
Realizing that I could totally change my life by having a sex change is exciting to think about however it is also scary to think about and I think that is what is holding me back so much. One of the biggest things is that I have children, and they do not have a Dad in the picture. They already have so much going on in their lives that I wouldn't want to cause them pain or confusion.
I also don't trust myself. I can sit here and say I want these things, I want to be a man I want to have surgery, I want to be called "he" but what happens in two months, in two years? what happens if I accept it but then the other feelings come back? why do these feelings keep coming back? why can't I just stick with one gender? what the hell is going on and how do I figure it out?
