... and suddenly, for the first time in years, I can't bring myself to care. About anything.

I've been thinking about my gender since I was 18. I've been seriously bothered by questions about my gender identity since I was 20. I'm a week from 22 now, and a few months ago, things hit a peak. God only knows what was in the water; all I know is that I was genuinely feeling tormented by, well, just about everything: what I identified as, what changes I wanted, all my dysphoria, etc. I found surgeons, chose my name, and I took this first step of making a gender therapy appointment -- a smart move, I thought. Something to finally get the ball rolling.

Now I've got less than a half a day to my appointment, and all that momentum is just... completely gone. I feel caught in a world of "so what?" Who cares if I never come out? Who cares if I'm stuck in this body until the day I die? It all feels like so much effort, and I just can't bring myself to give a ->-bleeped-<-. Let the world think I'm cis. Maybe I am. Being trans is just above and beyond me today.

What the hell is going on? I can't tell if I'm free of this crap, or if my brain is just playing practical jokes. I'm gonna be honest, I suspect the latter, and that immediately after leaving the therapist, all those feelings I'll inevitably have downplayed will come rushing back. But who knows? Maybe this is a sign I don't need gender therapy after all.

Advice, please. I'm not so good at the feelings.

Hi captains,

I totally understand - I've been in therapy for well over a year now (not for gender stuff initially), and I keep experiencing what you describe. Often it happens when I feel particularly bad and weighed down, look forward to spilling my guts to my therapist, and then suddenly I feel I can't be bothered and things aren't so bad after all.

This never lasts, so I assume it is a practical joke (or rather protective mechanism) of my brain.

Take your time to get to know your therapist - this has helped me to get to a point where I can let my guard down.

Sounds like defense mechanism to me too - especially if you're nervous about seeing someone new/so specific to your next step. I know I have a deeply learned habit of disengaging from emotions I don't like... also though maybe it's a little bit like how a tooth stops hurting the day before a big dentist appointment - the hole is still there, but it's suddenly easy to convince yourself it's not so bad when you're scared of the drill.

Talking about this, I've found so far, is huge - so big it's hard to stop talking about once people know - but even harder to *start* talking about with someone new. Something this monumentally life-changing (or maybe life-affirming, I guess?) of course you'll have shifts and changes over time with how you cope with it. They should understand that, just talk honestly and openly about it. They're not gonna kick you out just because they happen to catch you on a better day. If you can talk through the feelings that got you to this point, maybe that will help you connect a bit more with what's going on now?

Good luck with it all!
J

Same thing happened here: was so dysphoric that I was about to walk out of my marriage and job and throw everything away, then it all seemed to die down right before my first therapy session (which, incidentally, was the first formal step I took towards transitioning.)  I walked into the therapist's office thinking that I had no business being there because I was fixed.  But those feelings came right back during therapy - or the good feelings that I was truly female - and they haven't left since.

It's nervousness or something like that.  I strongly suspect that once you've finished this first session, you'll be back to your old self once again (for better or worse).

Let us know how it goes.