Like Eva, I fought this for decades, since I was a child I knew I was different. I had cross dressed using my mom's clothing from about the age of 9 to 14 (then outgrew what she had). I seriously came close to suicide twice before graduating high school. On multiple occasions I came very close to genital mutilation but didn't have the courage to finish with that hunting knife (which I still have to this day - gift from my deceased grandfather).
In my junior year of high school I began to try to be more male, began dating with disastrous results. In my senior year I asked a girl I'd known as a friend since 6th grade to the homecoming dance. We sort of hit it off. Coupled with hormones flowing we became sexually involved. I thought I was going to be "ok" as a guy. We graduated but she got pregnant so we married but within a year or so of being married, our intimacy once again began to fail and it was my fault due to physical self-loathing. I spent the following 35 years wavering between trying to be her husband and loathing myself until the mother of all GID episodes started for me in September 2010. I fought it, like I had every other time but this one just became darker and darker. And I knew, with my wife's upbringing and religious convictions, that if I were to transition I'd lose her. Yet none of that stopped the deep slide into a truly dark depression this time.
By February 2012 I was planning my suicide and was caught by a friend who insisted I see a therapist. My plans for a suicide that looked like an accident so my wife would get the insurance money were gone. My friend swore up and down that she'd tell the world, including the insurance company, that I was committing suicide. At first I was angry but committed to seeing a therapist. At the first session in March 2012 everything began to pour out, tears, memories, desires and that first session ended with her telling me "The first thing you have to do is stop lying, especially to yourself." Six months later I knew my marriage was gone, my two adult sons no longer spoke to me nor allowed me to see their children yet I began HRT. There were no longer any losses to avoid. They created the losses by threatening to cut me off then acting on that threat when I came out.
My spouse and I live together right now as housemates purely for financial reasons while she finishes up the degree she gave up years ago when she got pregnant. Once she is done, we will part ways. More than 27 months later and my eldest son still doesn't speak to me nor have I seen my grandchildren by him in that time either. My youngest son did open contact via email a few months ago but remains very aloof thus far. Only my daughter has supported me throughout this.
I went legally full time as me on September 29th, 2014. There's no going back for me. The last two years, despite grief and emotional losses, have also held some of the highest emotional points of my entire life and a sense of self and liberation that I never ever had before at any time.
I delayed this as long as possible and now, having discovered that love is very very conditional, I regret having sacrificed so much for those who clearly don't give a damn about me. Knowing what I know now, I would have transitioned a few years after I was married, right after I left the service. It would have saved a lot of people a lot of grief, and my children, except for my daughter, wouldn't have ever had to deal with "what will the neighbors think?" type selfish thinking. (Yes, my eldest son's wife actually was more worried about that than my health.)
If you are trans, you aren't going to escape it. You may be able to live male. Some manage it. Good luck to you. I just hope that you are not like me years from now, discovering that all your sacrifices meant nothing to those to whom you gave your heart, and that they'd rather you be dead than transition. (Yes, my eldest son actually said that.)
