Quote from: Julie Marie on October 07, 2007, 09:06:26 AM
My physical transition begins in June '08.  There's no doubt this is the path I need to take if I ever want real happiness and inner peace.
Julie[/color][/font][/size]

Hmmm......I thought you  surely must have done your physical transition Julie.  And, if not, but ready at 56 (I'm 56 too), why wait almost a year, hon?  Why not now?  Just curious, and a little sorry.

Bev

I had what I like to call gender consciousness when I was 11.

But I knew I was very different at a very young age, but I did not have the greatest grasp of gender to say I was female. It was a very mixed thing with me.  I knew I didn't fit with boys, and I did not really identify with them, but I had difficult time finding myself or grasping why.  Alot of confusion and well enforcement of gender norms that I couldn't possibly fit in.  I could go on and on.   
Gender confusion: since age 2
Gender consciousness: Age 11

I was a gender variant since a very young age though.  I also have an IS condition. 

Age 3 or so, at least that's when I really started to verbalize and exhibit it, because that's when the concept of gender was introduced.  Before that, I was just "me", no problems. 

When my true personality started to blossom as a child, that's when the shaming and emotional abuse started with by my family.  And that's when I learned how to bury it and continually feel like something was wrong with me. 

I was 29.

Yeah late in the game aye? Well I didn't really know ANYTHING, other than i liked to wear clothes of the opposite sex. I quickly found out once I got on the internet I wasn't alone there. But I still had no idear what a TS was until I picked up the book True Selves... Mind you, I wasn't even out as a crossdresser to anyone at that time. I thought about the definition of a TS alot. Reflected back on many of the things I'd been through and felt and it really made sense once I considered myself a transsexual instead of just a flake. I really had no previous education into such things. They didn't exactily teach you in school about it back then. No books on the subject ever crossed my path.. so how was I to know? Felt pretty stupid but I was going to get all the info I could lay my hands on.

I remember plenty of nights and days wishing I'd get transported into the body of a female. Wake up out of what seemed to be a nightmare of masculine testosterone(spell check?) I just couldn't understand why I hated being a male so much, why I didn't get the male world or how they thought..nothing.. yet I loved the company of women. I understood them and their feelings as if I were one. Yet for many years I didn't know why.

For almost a year after that I dreamed of transitioning. But let's face it, I'm not even third class financially and my luck is pretty non-existant. Unless I could 'completely' replace certain parts like feet and arms/hands, I just wouldn't have a chance. I don't believe I could ever come close and that's not what I want. Also I know that even if I were 100% female that something else was lacking in my life, and without that I'd never be happy. I needed someone to just love me, not for any reason, but just love. THAT was what would make me happy. And once I realised right where I was and what I could and couldn't do, I found her:) (that's another story of course)

I still marvel at some of you whom have gone the whole way and become what you know you always were. I think it's awesome and yeah I'm envious. If there's a chance at coming back for another life then I pray it's as a woman. Until then, one miracle has already happened for me. I don't have the right to ask for another;)

I knew I was different when I was five and certainly by six I was having some major issues at school. My elementary life was hell. I really didnt admit I was trannsexual until I was in my early 30's and now I'm 39 and I have no doubt. I just knew all my life I wanted to be a girl but had no idea how to go about it. I know now though!!

I always knew I was liitle, I liked to dress in girls clothes, I didn't have any girlfriends growing up, I just had alot of girls who were my good friends. i could always talk to girls about anything and they could talk to me. I wasn't like the other boys growing up. I mean I didn't think like them. I wanted to be a girl.

I just thought there was something terribly wrong with me, so I found drugs and alcohol to escape from myself, but even dooing that didn't work completely, i still had the thoughts and desire to be female.

I got sober, married and had a son and every thing was ok for awhile, but thoughts and desire eventuaaly came back. I then got divorced about two years ago.

I then started seeing a therapist about six months ago, and I finally realized and that I was TS and a short while later I truly accepted it and began to transition, first just in my mind. I have my first endo appt on the 30th of this month and I cant't wait.

To answer your question I always knew that I was born the wrong sex, but didn't have the courage or it just wasn't the right time to do anything about it, until tis last year.

Ariana

Early childhood.  Six years old.

Quote from: pretty pauline on November 09, 2007, 06:23:04 PM
When I was 5years old, I find Kalt's replys very interesting, but what makes us this way, well I can only speak about my own situation, I was born the youngest of 4boys, I think when I was born my Mum must have said ''yikes not another one''  I never was loved as a boy and always wanted to be a girl, when I was 16 I told my Mam, her reaction really surprise me, we had a family meeting, this was the deal, my brothers wanted a sister, my Mam and Dad wanted a daughter and I wanted to be a girl, so that was it.
I remember at the time I was always close to my next brother, we shared a room, but after the family meeting my parents sent me on a vacation to organise things at home, when I returned things really had changed, my brother had moved in with my other brother and the room we shared for so long was totally transformed into a girl's room, it was all done out in a beautiful Barbie pink, white curtains with pink frills my Mam and Dad where actually more excited than me at the time, I won't say my Mam was pushy, but she kept pushing me to take the next step, I remember when I reached 18 my Mam packed all my male clothes in bags one weekend and brought them to the charity shop, I was told it was time to go full time for my own good, that part of my life now when I look back is a bit of a blur, my Mam and Dad really took control of my transition, when I was 21 my Mam bought me hair extensions lol
Fast forward 7years when I was 28 I had my SRS, I'II always remember waking up after the surgery, I was very weak and sick from the anesthesia, I couldn'd speak as I was sore from the trachea shave, but my Dad put his arms around me and spoke 6words to me which to this day still make me cry ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete''
Love Pauline

Thank you for sharing your wonderfully uplifting story, Pauline.  When I awake from the surgery I will feel two things besides the post-surgery stuff.  I will feel complete and I will feel pretty.  I might not look too pretty but no one can take the feelings from me.

Be well and enjoy who you are.

Wing Walker

What a beautiful story Pauline
Mine is certainly not anywheres close to yours except I always believed my mom knew about it, but back then little was known about GID. It took from the age of 3 until 50 before I learned enough about GID and the treatments that were available back then to do anything about it. To feel complete is a wonderful place to be. I pray your life continues to be a wonderful experience for you.

Cindy

I always knew I was a girl since I was very little.  Maybe four or five.  I didn't do anything about it until five years ago.  21 years wasted down the drain

Quote from: pretty pauline on November 10, 2007, 08:15:08 PM
Wing Walker
Thank you for your kind words, you will feel complete, todays SRS surgery is even more successful, may it go well for you.
Cindy
Thank you for your prayers, yes all Mothers and families are different, my own situation as I said in my post was different, my Mam always wanted a daughter, before I was born my parents where going to adopt a girl, I didn't realize this till I came out at 16, my Mam (specially) and my Dad where very excited about my transition, after a family meeting it was all agreed, I was sent off on a vacation for 2weeks, unknown to me at the time, my parents made some changes at home when I was away to start my transition, they hired a therapist, but got things moving too quickly, I wish I was more in control of my transition, but my Mam took control when I returned home the room I shared with my brother for all my childhood years was gone, my brother was moved to another room, our room was now a room I didn't recognized, it was  very feminine, girlie and girlish with pink everywhere, everything was new, I remember the curtains and the pillows on the bed where white with pink lace frills, yes I wanted to be a girl, but Mam wanted a certain type of girl, she wanted a ''pretty daughter'' I didn't want to seem ungrateful at the time so I excepted it, Mam thought I should live in a ''girl friendly environment'' to help my transition.
3months after I went fulltime (Mam decided that) my brother got married, there was going to be a lot of family and friends there, so I decided to wear a conservative outfit as I'd just gone fulltime, but Mam had other ideas, she wanted her daughter looking gorgeous, we had a big row about it, in the end, Mam got her way, I went to the wedding wearing a glittering off the shoulder purple dress with a hat, bag and heels to match, I got a lot of complements and I was blushing under my makeup, when I discussed it with Mam afterwards, she said I should get use to and enjoy being a woman, I surpose she had a point, would I do anything different, yes I wish my Mam didn't interfere too much, I don't regret my transition, but I do wish I had more control over my own transition, I'v a good family, my 3brothers and my Dad treated myself and my Mam like 2ladies, reading all the other stories on this board, I should be thankful for that and being excepted by my family as a woman

Hi, Pauline,

Thank you for telling us why you chose the adjective "pretty" before your name.  I see how you can and "do" feel pretty.  As I said earlier, when I can hold a mirror and see what the surgeon has accomplished I surely will feel pretty, swelling and bruising and all!.

Please look back into where you've been and how you got there, your travel through a time of wonderment that never needs to end.  Within every second of it you can find something for which you can be grateful, no matter how small or insignificant it is.  It is gratitude that determines my attitude and maybe what I've said can be of help to you so you can enjoy your life to its very fullest!  It is not that you aren't grateful.  Sometimes we all need to look at where we have been to more fully savor where we are now.

Be well and keep your smile on.  You can be an inspiration to others, inside and outside of these forums.

Wing Walker

Hello Pauline
Boy I wish I could have experienced the same transition as you did, but my childhood was pretty good. Like I say I believe my mom knew something was different about me, I believe any mom with any intuition would know such things about their children.

My mom didn't do anything about it because there just wasn't anyplace back then where she could have taken me to begin with. I spent much of my growing up years playing dress up in the upstairs part of the house which was mostly only used to store stuff. So I would play out my fantasies up there and my mom never interfered. I guess that was the closest I came to touching my dream when I was growing up.

When I was fifteen I actually had my first experience at living like a girl. I ran away from home and lived in a Hippie Commune. When I was taken in by them I was placed with the girls, they actually thought I was a girl, I was a very small person and had hair down to my waist. Of course I didn't dissuade them of the notion. I even had a boy friend for a time. I was there for a year and a half when my dream fell apart and had to come back home.

Now I do have a wonderful mate. Wing Walker and I have been a pair since June 26, 2004 when we got married, yes complete with wedding dresses and brides maids.

Cindy

At least by 5 or 6.  I confirmed it to myself when I was 11/12.  I knew why I was doing what I was doing and I was aware enough to know that there were ways out there I could "become a girl", but that's all I knew.

I told my parents when I was 13.

My parents did the best that they knew possible.  I saw a number of therapists.  The popular theory back then (the 80s) focused on "curing" GID kids, obviously that didn't work for me.  My mom was contacted by a researcher that wanted to include me in a study of the treatment of GID kids.  She turned him down.  For the longest time I wanted to be angry with her for what could have been my ticket out.  She told me "I didn't want you to become someone's science project".  It took me a long time to realize she was right, that I can recall back then the medical "treatment" of GID in children ran the very real risk I would have been given testo shots.  It scares me to think about it.

My parents did send me to an a male high school, in as much as I wanted to go.  I was rapidly falling apart in the public school system and I'm not sure I would have survived to graduate.  Of course they thought a "strong male role model" was just what I needed, to stop "this".  That didn't work either.  But despite what you think, it actually took some pressure off me and my gender issues.  Yes I was "not a male" in a male world, but without girls around there wasn't as much overt pressure to be as masculine as only high school boys can be.

We knew how to diagnose GID children in the 80s, but no one had figured out how to treat them.  My parents did the best they knew how, what more could they have done?

Not age 2
Not age 4
Not 6,7,8,9,10
Although at age 10 I was done with life and asked if I could leave. I was told I really hadn't given it much chance yet, and I had to agree. So, I reluctantly buckled down and made the best of things.

My biggest clue was in latter middle school, when I realized I honestly would do a sex change thing if they had a perfect process. Clone bodies or bust I thought. It turns out, I busted.

Age 17 I snapped and for some reason I couldn't deal with had to put on a 1 peace swimsuit. That nearly resulted in my untimely death by machete when I realized I was stuck with that damn bump.

Age 29, one month from 30 I "accidentally" (I believe in accidents just slightly more than I do in coincidences) ran across the home page of ... a certain girl... Whose name I DO know but she apparently no longer has the link I found as her old page is kaput 404. -- She is responsible for my shattering of understanding and realizing that I was transsexual.

I am now 32 and have been on HRT for a bit over 1.5 years. (actually more than that but close enough)

An no, I was fairly happy being a boy till at least 26. Things started wearing on me around then though.

For what it is worth.

Cindy & Wing Walker
You 2 lovely girls an item, that is soo cool, and thank you all in this topic for posting your experience, all our situations are so different, Cindy you said you lived in a Hippie Commune for a whole year, now thats the sort of freedom I would have really needed to make my own choices, I envy you with that freedom, just to be away and make your own choices OMG! Take things at one's own pace, Cindy the field is not always greener on the other side, you say ''boy I wish I could have experienced the same transition as you did'' no Cindy I don't think you would have, I would have loved to run away and do things my way, but I didn't want to hurt my parents and my brothers, your a free spirited person, a whole year of freedom, you wouldn'd have wanted my years between 16 and 21, all my decisions concerning my transition where made for me by my parents, some may find that hard to understand, but it was the way things where in my family, on my 18th Birthday, that was the day I went fulltime, it was decided by my Mam and Dad, all my male clothes where packed into bags a few days before, then on my Birthday it was birthday presents of dresses, skirts, blouses even nightdresses as all my male pyjamas where given away, there was a lot of emotion at the time, I was glad I was finally becoming a girl, but it happen too quickly for me and if I questioned it at all, I was just tolded, ''be a good girl and just get on with it'' oh I did get finally used to my new room with all the lovely girls things, teddys and fluffy toys my brothers would get me, but a year in a Hippie Commune, unwind and really sort myself out, now that is Heaven.   

Hi pretty pauline

I would still sell my soul to have had the opportunity to live as a girl from the age of 16. But I did run together as inseparable friends with another girl in school who was also a reject from the rest of the girls. We were both rejects. Now take me I am not a fighter, and many times I would just let the other boys beat up on me and not fight back, figuring it wouldn't last as long if I didn't but that wasn't always the case.

Anyway this type of behaviour was not acceptable to my friend Helen who was a street fighter. Her two brothers had trained her well. Helen and I just kind of ran in to each other on the school grounds and something clicked and we became really good friends. Anyway for five years we ran together getting into mischief, you know, the type that is just not serious enough to get arrested for. Like getting someone to buy us a bottle of wine and getting lost in the woods surrounding lookout hill, a small tourist area that had an old watch out tower on top of the hill where they use to watch for forest fires in the old days.

Anyway we would get half sauced and chase each other through the trees and sometimes go flying ass over tea kettle down the hill. I had the long hair then to, can you imagine the mess afterwards? Sometimes we would get picked up by the local police officer, really nice guy, and cute to. He would give us a lecture and a finger waging and I would be squashed up against Helen against the passenger door, giving this police officer the sad eyes look and pouting act. He would then drive us home but not without fist making a stop at a general store to get us some goodies. He  actually walked me to the door and knocked. When my mom opened the door, he kind of surged me to go in ahead of him and I gave mom the same sad eyes and pouty look to, 90% of the time that ploy worked well. She dismissed me while she talked to the nice officer. He then proceeded to explain to my mom how dangerous it is to let her daughter run around the streets at night alone.

Ye Helen was my only ever and bestest friend I had. We parted company when I was 15 and that was when I ran away from home to New York to join the hippies. My stay there was one and a half years. And yes it was nice, and exciting. I had a boy friend, really nice kid with long blond hair and blue eyes and he played the guitar mind you. All the girls accepted me and really am not certain if any of them suspected anything or not, if they did they never let on anything to me. But some of us did the cleaning, some the cooking or did arts and crafts to sell on the street to help off set the bills. We all just rotated on those activities. We worked together as a team and never went anywhere separate from the rest of the gang.

I have many women friends since then but never as close as Helen and I were. Some realy nice ladies helped me a lot when I began full time as me. I suppose I did live a full and rather adventurous life, but I would give it all up to just have lived my life as a real girl. The adventures and the traveling were only an attempt at running away from who I was. But given the cards I was dealt and the era I grew up in, there were not to many other options. Maybe I should write a book sometime.

Cindy

Thank you for your kind words, Pauline.

I am moving along at whatever pace the medical and psychiatric community wants me to move.  It is all for the better, I am sure.  My prize is GRS and I will have it because I am patient and I will not be denied.

It was 1956 when I began to suspect a disconnect between my gender and the rest of me and I was sure in 1959/1960.  It has taken me 46 years from the time I suspected that disconnect to when I began HRT in 2002, and since then the progress has been non-stop.  I had a few slow-downs with the doctors and my moving around from town to town but that's under control and I hope to have my GRS in June 2008.

Please stay well and enjoy your life to the fullest.

Wing Walker

I never realized that I was a transexual, I just realized that I'm a girl. 

It took me 50 years to find out I should have been a girl, and another 4 years to decide to do something about it, and be that girl for the past seven years. Transsexual is just a label to facilitate the discernment of one thing from another until what was in questions is identified.

Cindy

I knew I was transgendered from a very early age, but I think I made sense of it in different ways over the years, probably due to my family, my locale, and my brain's ability to process these things. 

I realized I was transsexual last fall (almost a year ago), when my GID came roaring out of no where, hungry and demanding, and when none of my logic or history or anything else could push it aside.  I finally took a mental baby step around December when I realized that this was never going away, that it was very real, and that I had to do something about it. 

And that's what I've been doing, feeling better and better every week.

Joyce