so far I've been able to move forward pretty well . but lately my male self seems to want to fight back. The male will not prevail  because mentally I've never belonged male, but he seems to want to fight to the end. Have others encountered this pushing back after being on HRT for awhile.

Yup... really easily.

It was a big step forward for me emotionally when I realized that I didn't really "transition" from male to female, I always was female. The only reason I ever even had a "past self" was because society told me that I couldn't be female with the body that I had, and that therefore I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do because they perceived me as male. There was nothing to let go of. All I let go of were the societal chains holding me back telling me that I couldn't be myself.

No grief at all. Because I'm not some girl that is contrary to my own past, I'm just exactly the self that I've always known I was.

Yes, totally. I have even come to think fondly of "him" for protecting me all these years, facing the horrors of my career and allowing for me to be born. It was not that way before of course. I used to hate him, but now have genuine love and admiration for his selfless sacrifice of himself so I can live for me. My past is my past and can no longer cause me any pain or anguish. I have a happy, wonderful life ahead of me now! 

No grief here - I never felt like there was a male self vs a female self - I'm just me, I've always been me, I never tried overly hard to be a dude, never understood how to be... I've always been a woman just happened to be born with the wrong chromosomes and a doodle then got poisoned with testosterone when I hit puberty. Society said I was a guy, not me. Had to take steps to rectify that but here I am.

Stephanie, what do you mean by your "male self is fighting back"? Maybe it's just a case of sorting out where you are comfortable on the gender spectrum rather than an internal war...?

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 07, 2014, 01:34:08 AM
No grief here - I never felt like there was a male self vs a female self - I'm just me, I've always been me, I never tried overly hard to be a dude, never understood how to be... I've always been a woman just happened to be born with the wrong chromosomes and a doodle then got poisoned with testosterone when I hit puberty. Society said I was a guy, not me. Had to take steps to rectify that but here I am.

Stephanie, what do you mean by your "male self is fighting back"? Maybe it's just a case of sorting out where you are comfortable on the gender spectrum rather than an internal war...?

I guess my brain is going back to a time between 17 and 18 I was quite active sexually with a male presenting persona that persona tries to reestablish even though it was created to cover up my true sejf

Sounds like residual self imaging. Mine finally went away after high dose HRT and 7 months RLE. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 07, 2014, 01:50:53 AM
Sounds like residual self imaging. Mine finally went away after high dose HRT and 7 months RLE. 

I know I've always truly wanted to be a woman

As I move closer towards going full time, I find it is tougher for me to move away. One big aspect is me feeling guilty about being stuck with so many material things I can't seem to get rid of, and did cost me a lot of money. It's also hard for me to "relearn" everything.

It was such a relief to shed "dude" and drop the act like a hot brick.  It didn't happen overnight, and there was some "deprogramming" to do, but it was pretty easy to just do what came naturally to me instead of forcing myself to act all butch.  Nobody seems to miss "him" either.  I'm a lot nicer and pleasant to be around now that I get the correct hormones.

So yes.  No grief, all relief.

For a few years, I used to have nightmares where "Mr. Happy" would fall out. But other than that, no way. Other than the grief it caused my family, I had no issues whatsoever. I was so glad to put that person away that I can't even remember where "he" is. Oddly, it's hard for me to remember much of that part of my life. Sometimes I'll remember something. I can't even remember the names of my friends in high school. Yes, I really put that person away.

Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on November 07, 2014, 08:17:37 PM
For a few years, I used to have nightmares where "Mr. Happy" would fall out.

I have had dreams for most of my life where I could just detach it.  I wouldn't call them nightmares though.  More like wishful thinking...

It's really strange what dreams can do to you. Mine are absolutely freaky. FWIW, you can only remember dreams if you wake up. If you remember lots of dreams in a single night, you may have a sleep disorder.

I go through occasional periods of reflecting on my past life and in some ways I miss it. Don't get me wrong - i don't miss being a dude at all, but some of the things that were in his life and are not in my life now I miss; he had a few really nice things going for him. I do not miss the dysphoria and the drinking and the anger and depression he lived with; he can have all of that LOL.......

Seems like change is about gaining things and also losing things. What I gained far outweighs what I lost so overall I am happy with who I am now.

My personality is still every bit as argumentative and analytical as it's ever been. I never had much grief for the things I like or don't like to do. When I was a child I played house with a neighbor girl. I played in the dirt with my brothers (though I didn't actually like the dirt being on me and as I got older I wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing) as well and had fun. I just didn't even have to worry about it because I got no pushback. The one thing that felt really off limits was to actually TELL anyone I wanted to be female or dress differently so I ended up always having to wear super baggy illfitting clothes. Everything has always been too big for my frame until  I switched to women's clothing. So yeah, my personality and the way I act is pretty much the same as before. Now, hopefully instead of describing my mannerisms as "bird like" people will say they're "feminine" instead.

I'll just copy and paste what I wrote recently in the 'Before and After' topic and then carry on below..

"I'm not sure if this sounds weird, but I do miss that guy sometimes, despite the fundamental flaws, he just tried so hard and had so many amazing skills and strengths. I kind of wish there was a way that we could have both existed separately, like we could have split into two people and that maybe he could have carried on; repaired, complete and happy; and that I could also finally live my very different life after being trapped for so long... I'm so happy as I am now But I feel like I've lost someone sometimes... does that sound totally insane?"


So doubt if that makes sense to anyone else.. He really was not a bad person, despite some of the anger and depression, he did so well hiding these things and putting up a happy and confident façade... and I just want to give him a big hug! He did try so hard put aside these feeling and issues, and in the process was driven to some amazing things and have some remarkable adventures :p What I feel is not based on any logic ok.. I feel like we are totally separate people, although I do retain most of the good attributes and gifts and I have no regrets.. There is just a kind of feeling of tragedy that his path had to end in order for me to finally be who I am.. I almost feel guilty sometimes like I killed him or something... just crazy illogical emotion I am sure (I am usually a very logical person, just about to start an MSc etc.) but there it is.. Sooo that's my craziness out in the open now for everyone to judge lol..

I murdered that persona violently and with extreme prejudice.

Here's how I wrote it earlier

Jimmy protected Kim until it was safe for her to come out.For many years she thought he imprisoned her but now realises he was her guardian.Jimmy was an ordinary kid who grew up to be an ordinary man,basically good though he drank too much,smoked too much weed and took speed and sometimes got into fights,(usually to protect someone from being picked on by a bully or thug)Jimmy and Kim were both locked up and only one of them could be released,"It's your turn now,I'm so tired" he said one day.For the first time she noticed how much he had aged and how tired he looked.She walked out of the cell.
I hope this makes sense as it's the only way I could describe it.Sorry if it seems weird

Nope no problem at ail, I did not transition I blossomed she was always there

Pretty much.  I did feel a few twangy of guilt,  that I had taken him away from others,  but that passed quite quickly. 

I'm still letting go, but quite happily doing so. Only 4.5 months into transition I still have some way to go. But I have no problem letting go of my behaviours, male looks (Eeek!) or male clothing.

I do carry a little guilt sometimes,mI sometimes feel I'm taking my children's father away from them. But I've thought a lot about this and what they're getting in his place is someone who is happier and much more beautiful than he ever was. And I still love them just the same.