Long story short, I want to come out to my dad but I don't think he will accept me and possibly disown me due to the current position he's in at work. You see my dad was jobless for a while but finally got a good paying job. The worst of it is that we room with his coworker.  His coworker really has a big mouth and gossip is really bad at my dad's workplace. I am 19 years old, currently a male. I don't feel like hurting myself over not transitioning. But I do get depressed sometimes. I asked my only transsexual friend what I should do and he told me I should just tell him and stop being a coward. I don't want to take any chances with being disowned or worse my secret getting leaked and he some how ends up losing his job. I think it's best to stay in the closet until I finish college and start working, and start losing weight in preparation for my transition. At that point it won't matter because I'll be fully independent and I could live on my own. Is this the best option?

I think you should do like many here and find a Therapist preferably with gender experience. In most, not all, cases you will need letters from one for HRT anyway and they can give you good information on how to come out with your specific circumstances. You can always go on Androgen blockers while obtaining your education. That will stop any further masculinization. I say finish your education and don't rock the boat too much because you live with another party (your dad's co-worker). Transition is expensive so start preparing yourself for that. 

Hello Boredrooster

I seem to recall in your last posts that you had decided not to transition, so I am assuming that you have experienced some evolution since then.  All the same, permit me to observe that, in the 5 lines you have written, you have raised 7 obstacles and reasons to delay.  I'm absolutely not on the rah-rah team saying that you must declare yourself to the world, so, given what you say, I ask you how ready you are for the consequences of coming out?

Let's analyse what you said:

1.  Will your dad accept you?:  only you can know what love your father has for you.  He may not like it, but he could accept it.

2.  Will your dad disown you?:  a consequence and extension of point 1.  You should have some idea of where you dad stands both in his love for you and his desire to continue to be a supportive parent.

3.  His coworker has a really big mouth.  Why does this coworker even need to know that you're transitioning?  You can start transitioning like most people do, by keeping external appearances the same, and starting therapy and HRT.  This is a slow process, you're not going to be busting out all over the place.

4. And your dad somehow loses his job:  you've taken a really big leap of assumptions here.  Do people in your dad's company regularly get fired if their children declare themselves gay, atheist, or commit a crime?  Doesn't add up honey.

5.  My secret getting leaked:  only you can leak your secret.  And if your father values his job and for some reason your dad's company indeed fires people for the sins of their children, then your dad will know to keep his mouth shut.

6.  And start losing weight in preparation for my transition:  well, depending on your weight, some endocrinologists simply won't put you on HRT until you're within a given weight range, so this to some extent annuls all of the previous points unless of course your intention is to come out of the closet and then do absolutely nothing about it.

There is no doubt that you could wait until after college, but then I fear you'll have placed another set of obstacles in your way, such as whether your company will accept it, or you will be disowned by coworkers, or fired from your job etc., etc. etc.

My feeling:  see a therapist.  Understand yourself.  If you really want to change gender, start HRT.  The effects are quite slow and subtle.  Nobody needs to know for at least year or two.  Wear your femininity on the inside and recognise that it will take time.

You sound like a smart person, so try to separate real from unreal risks.  Write them down.  Analyse them.  Assign them probabilities.  Provide yourself with alternatives based on possible outcomes to scenarios.  Have a plan.

I do hope some of this helps. Forgive me for being blunt, but since you're smart, I think you can handle the directness of my analysis and suggestions.

Hugs, most sincerely given!
Julia

I went thru some of your previous posts and figure'd I pitch in my 2 cents as well.

I can't consult a therapist due to the my transsexuality being a secret, so I decided to come here.

You said this in your introduction post. How would seeing a therapist out you? Legally they cannot say anything to anyone about you unless you give em permission to do so or unless it involves hurting yourself or others. I think you should start seeing someone, doesn't even need to be a gender therapist really. Hell, if someone finds out that you are seeing someone, tell em you are a bit depressed or are trying to deal with your social anxiety, best part is, that's not even a lie! 

I know that you are worried about how it will affect your family and all but you also need to worry about how not transitioning will affect you too. This is gonna be really blunt but here goes: if you are always depressed and unhappy, then what's the point of everything? You really do need to look out for yourself first and worry about others later (easier said then done, I know..).

People also tend to not like it when you assume things about them. I got kinda yelled at for doing that recently. Basically they said don't assume things about me or think how I am gonna react to something, give me a chance to form my own thoughts/conclusions/feelings towards something before assuming the worst.

You also said this in your intro: I want to transition badly but I don't feel that I'll even remotely pass (I am to be 19 soon, horrible acne, hairy and fat, really tall as well :/).

While I think it's best not to expect miracles from transition/hrt, etc, there is no way of knowing what you may come out looking as when everything is all said and done. It varies greatly from person to person. Go check out some of the before and afters, I think you will be amazed to see some of the differences there!

You are at a great age to start though, the longer you go, the more masculine changes that will occur and the harder it will probably be to change that. I know you wanted to wait 6-8 or so more years to start but that is 6-8 years more of masculine changes that will happen and 6-8 years of your life that you will never get back, that will be spent being depressed and unhappy.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on November 09, 2014, 11:52:07 AM
There is no doubt that you could wait until after college, but then I fear you'll have placed another set of obstacles in your way, such as whether your company will accept it, or you will be disowned by coworkers, or fired from your job etc., etc. etc.

The above quote is a really good thing to think about as well. There is always going to be issues when you decide to do it and I think that the longer you run from em, hold off from facing em, the worse they become and the harder they are to overcome. This affects me personally right now. I don't really want to start a new career job and have everyone know me as I am and then have to switch it all up. This (+many other big things) is affecting my schooling as well, too much to do, too much going on, too much change that I really can't concentrate or find time to or even really care all that much about it right now so prolly gonna take a bit of time off after this semester to hopefully get done with most of this stuff now so that I can concentrate and give it my all next time.

I know it sounds like I am saying you should jump in head first but that's not what I mean to say. I definitely think you should start taking baby steps though, such as contacting a therapist, attend some support groups, losing some of the weight, etc and just take things slowly. You don't have to start off by telling everyone either, I still have a ton of people who I haven't talked to about it and really, that's not important to me atm. As Julia said, it may take quite a bit of time before you have to tell anyone cuz of physical changes or it may not happen at all.

Hope this helps as well.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 09, 2014, 11:31:26 AM
I think you should do like many here and find a Therapist preferably with gender experience. In most, not all, cases you will need letters from one for HRT anyway and they can give you good information on how to come out with your specific circumstances. You can always go on Androgen blockers while obtaining your education. That will stop any further masculinization. I say finish your education and don't rock the boat too much because you live with another party (your dad's co-worker). Transition is expensive so start preparing yourself for that. 

I was told by two therapists that this is not the case... but anyway I guess it varies by state. I know in NY I can go to a couple of different clinic and do informed consent.  My previous therapist told me flat out that I don't need her for hormones, I can get that on my own and told me to look for an endo, and recommended a couple of places, one of which I am going to in December and they are doing my primary care too.