Why does our condition hurt so much?

Not being in the position as many of you, I cannot alleviate my pain by changing by body at this time, so please forgive my melancholy.
I am a resevoir of pain. I was born to suffer, it would seem.
And why?
What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I better have been a mass murderer or this is just sick that I've been sentenced to a life of misery as someone I am not. Those who know me treat me as I wish, but that is little comfort when walking down the street in the costume of another.

Why does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain, Nero.  Life can be tough and you sound like it's your turn to endure, and you're feeling you can't endure anymore.  Please take care, I care about you and I know everyone else on here does as well.  You're a real dynamo!  Just let it all out and you will feel better.     I felt just like you last week when I came back from Sydney, I cried and cried and was thinking of all the different ways to end my life.  I rang lifeline (a councilling service) and we spoke till 2 am, I was exhausted and went to sleep like a baby.  The next day I just soldiered on again to fight another day, I'm still going. 

we all feel your pain honey, im new to this site but just reading everybodys inspiring stories has given me hope and cheered me up when ive been feeling down, at least there is a place to vent your feelings and you dont have to bottle everything up.

*hugs nero*

Sorry Nero, unrelenting pain is hard to accept.  I know it makes it hard to think straight sometimes or to make logical choices.

It sounds stupid and I hate hearing it myself, but you have to persevere.

I really wish I had a better answer.  I am not sure there is one, but I keep hoping.

Sarah L.

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2007, 05:39:15 AM
Why does our condition hurt so much?

Because society wants it to hurt so much that we commit suicide and get out of "their" world.  Give them what they deserve.  Stick around as a kick in their balls.

Because peeps from society would rather want us dead than alive.

Society is not prepared to accept anyone as "gender-variant"  They consider us sinners, scum, grotesque, a waste of nature.  We have to show them that we are just like them (if not better), that we deserve to be here as much as they do.  If you give up, they will win.  Do you want that?


tink

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2007, 05:39:15 AM
Why does our condition hurt so much?

Not being in the position as many of you, I cannot alleviate my pain by changing by body at this time, so please forgive my melancholy.
I am a resevoir of pain. I was born to suffer, it would seem.
And why?
What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I better have been a mass murderer or this is just sick that I've been sentenced to a life of misery as someone I am not. Those who know me treat me as I wish, but that is little comfort when walking down the street in the costume of another.

Why does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

I don't know why hon. I do know time goes on and things change and friends come and go..and come back

So stop your whining and I'll give you a hug 

Yes I missed you, so put down the damn knives and fondle the nicest bitch you have every met on the net

Quote from: Lori on October 11, 2007, 08:03:42 PM
friends come and go..and come back

I'm glad that freinds are coming back....

tink

Quote from: Tink on October 11, 2007, 08:04:57 PM

Quote from: Lori on October 11, 2007, 08:03:42 PM
friends come and go..and come back

I'm glad that freinds are coming back....

tink

I missed u2

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2007, 05:39:15 AM
Why does our condition hurt so much?

Not being in the position as many of you, I cannot alleviate my pain by changing by body at this time, so please forgive my melancholy.
I am a resevoir of pain. I was born to suffer, it would seem.
And why?
What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I better have been a mass murderer or this is just sick that I've been sentenced to a life of misery as someone I am not. Those who know me treat me as I wish, but that is little comfort when walking down the street in the costume of another.

Why does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

To be honest, I don't believe it has to do with a past life of some sort.  I think that this all has to do with statistics.  And, of course, I would rather be the winner of the lottery, than to get this horrible condition.  You could always ask yourself, why did you win the great chance of getting this over all of things in life. 

This hurts so much because it's emotional pain, and a lot of people hold it in for years, only to notice, as in your case, they can't do anything about it.  Like we all said in your post earlier, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your stuck at a place of eternal darkness.  I understand your pain, and to be honest Nero, I don't get how you can cope with it.  I would give you all the respect in the world if I could because of what you have to deal with on a day to day basis. 

Hey Nero,

This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The emotional side of this can be soul destroying and it seems like every negative, painful emotion at times comes together. Hate, self loathing, low esteem, jealousy, confusion to name but a few.

It never goes away either, you live the condition during the day and cry about it at night, it makes relationships, communication with people difficult and you spend time wishing, hoping that things where (could) be different.

There is only one release from the constant pain, transition and I know that circumstances may prevent that right now, but hold onto that dream that it will one day become reality.

Rebecca

it only hurts if you let it hurt   make the best of it.  everybody does, why don't you?  remember the lemons?

Quote from: Kiera on October 12, 2007, 02:55:54 AM

Pick One Thing, However Small, Work On It and continue to forge ahead regardless!

yep   thanx for the flowers bro  

Quote from: Kiera on October 12, 2007, 02:55:54 AM

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2007, 05:39:15 AMWhy does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

A sense of making progress is very important to ones well being and while crying often helps to relieve some of the pain are you married/have anybody close that can listen to what you are feeling & saying without indeed adding to your grief?

I was widowed this time last year. A few months ago, my father-in-law whom I loved like my own father grieved himself into a heart attack. All my friends are in the ground. My sisters have disowned me, moved across the country, and left me no address.
I have a cold, dead rotting heart to deal with, an illness with rather nasty side effects, and dysphoria so severe, I shower in my clothes.
But there is a goddess by my side who looks after me - my sweet beautiful mother. She, my dog, and my cat, make it worth waking up in the morning.
So yes, I have someone. Three wonderful someones.

Quote from: Nero on October 12, 2007, 05:05:39 AM
I was widowed this time last year. A few months ago, my father-in-law whom I loved like my own father grieved himself into a heart attack. All my friends are in the ground. My sisters have disowned me, moved across the country, and left me no address.

I know what that feels like all too well.  You are not alone in this.  When my dearly departed died, I completely lost the next year from my life.  I have no memories of that time.  I spent ten years trying to kill myself.  But I finally came out of that dark valley.  You can too.

Quote from: Nero on October 12, 2007, 05:05:39 AM

Quote from: Kiera on October 12, 2007, 02:55:54 AM

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2007, 05:39:15 AMWhy does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

A sense of making progress is very important to ones well being and while crying often helps to relieve some of the pain are you married/have anybody close that can listen to what you are feeling & saying without indeed adding to your grief?

I was widowed this time last year. A few months ago, my father-in-law whom I loved like my own father grieved himself into a heart attack. All my friends are in the ground. My sisters have disowned me, moved across the country, and left me no address.
I have a cold, dead rotting heart to deal with, an illness with rather nasty side effects, and dysphoria so severe, I shower in my clothes.
But there is a goddess by my side who looks after me - my sweet beautiful mother. She, my dog, and my cat, make it worth waking up in the morning.
So yes, I have someone. Three wonderful someones.

Nero, I know this won't mean anything, but I'm really sorry you have to go through all this.  I really wish you could just become yourself, as that would probably be something great, but I guess that isn't possible right now.  Just keep trying to find meaning, maybe do some volunteer work or something.  I did that before transition and it made me somewhat happier from time to time.  I know no one knows you better than yourself, so just please try to find something that makes you happy. 

Quote from: Nero on October 12, 2007, 05:05:39 AM
So yes, I have someone. Three wonderful someones.

And what about us?  are we chopped liver?  You have more than three someones. Of course none of us could compare to your loved ones, but you do have lots of people who care for you.

tink

QuoteWhy does our condition hurt so much?

Not being in the position as many of you, I cannot alleviate my pain by changing by body at this time, so please forgive my melancholy.
I am a resevoir of pain. I was born to suffer, it would seem.
And why?
What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I better have been a mass murderer or this is just sick that I've been sentenced to a life of misery as someone I am not. Those who know me treat me as I wish, but that is little comfort when walking down the street in the costume of another.

Why does this hurt so much?
Why is the pain so great that I'm fondling butcher knives?

Hello, Nero,

Melancholy needs no forgiveness, just someone to listen to its laments.  There are a few someones here.

I believe that our condition hurts until we start doing something about it.  It's much like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer:  the minute you drop the hammer and do something else, the pain diminishes.  Maybe talking with a counselor could help you see and know things that aren't clear to you at this second.  And conversing with a counselor can help prepare you to listen to and help others from your experience.  You never know what you are able to do until you launch an good effort to do it.

Suffering is universal, Nero, and I doubt that you were born to suffer.  I don't know that you are the recipient of bad Karma.  Could it be that you did so well in a prior life that you were gifted with being two-spirited?  I'm possibly out-of-touch with reality but I believe that transsexuality is a special gift to me.  I suppose that it feels much better since I have lived as my true self for five years and I am on the list for GRS.  I could feel pretty low because I still need the surgery and that time won't pass fast enough before I am at the surgery hospital but it took me 46 years of misery before I began my transition.

Here's a platitude that might fit:  It's not the destination that is the fun.  It's the trip that is.

Families tend to get lost pretty fast when one of their members is transsexual.  Mine did.  My bro considers me dead.  So be it.  I'm enjoying each day as I never could before because I'm the sole decider of whether I have a day or a great day.

Please don't fondle the cutlery.  It's a pretty dangerous habit to acquire, even if you're a world-famous chef.  If you must handle something, go outside with your imaginary axe, a huge one, and use it to break the chain that keeps you tethered to pain.

Nero, I never met you but I am here to help, to share laughs and wipe tears, as are so many others here.  By yourself you are, but alone you're not.

Thank you for hearing me out.  I hope this helps.

Wing Walker