Hi there,
Throughout my life, I have been in a constant struggle against androgens and an unsympathetic family that tried to make me a boy, and later, a man. I've always frowned upon roughness and male characteristics, and aspired toward a more feminine ideal. Back when I was a child and teenager, my parents tried to make me look more masculine and banned me from owning any item intended for females. As an adult, I have had to hide my true self behind an ugly impression. That has caused a lifelong depressive tendency, despite never having to worry about money my whole life. I decided to stay in the closet forever rather than risk everything I have. Then, my hair started falling out - first a little, then in gobs. I knew I would never get a chance to be the woman I always wanted to be unless I sought help on my own. Seeking therapy and medication - or even a doctor - on my own was something I had never done, but faced with the prospect of being totally bald by my early 30s, I decided to put my time and money on the line and do everything I could to get the medications I need in order to transition. I cannot understate how hard it was for a shy girl like me (for without years of estradiol, I can never be anything more than a girl) to find the resources necessary to change my life. My self-esteem has improved since my hormone levels changed, but still I live in fear of what my family will do when they find out I am not only transgendered, but transitioning. My father (who hates almost every minority group in existence) will be so mortified that he will certainly make me buy my own everything, and worse yet, possibly evict me. Since my father also took pride in his "son" and said that he "doesn't know what he would do if he ever lost 'Steven' ", I fear the possibility of a murder-suicide that inflicted by my father that could leave us both dead. If I never come back after January (when I come out as trans), you'll know why. Perhaps I have gone over the deep end, but I am really scared. My mother knows I am hiding "something" but not what it is.
I came here because I think it would be helpful to see that other people feel the same way about gender. I want nothing more than to be female and to be accepted as such, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a chance to see the world as my true self - the real one, no less.
As fall foliage season, the most beautiful time of the year, slowly winds down, I cry when a song makes me think about the life I could have lived if only I had transitioned two years earlier - and the life I may never get to live depending on my father's unpredictable behavior. Please say you stand by me; that would help a lot.
Goodbye for now,
Steph
