Thankyou Wing Walker. I have around 400 posts around here somewhere but let me catch you up to speed a bit.

I am going to a OBG/YN now for HRT. This was chosen over an Endo by my therapist, Dr. Rita Cotterly here in Fort Worth, because this Dr. (Robert Hardee) has been helping TS transition since the early 70's and is very knowledgabe and I seriously wanted injections.

So far so good on that front. We are not allowed to discuss regimines but I can say with my mom being a 38DD it didnt take long for me to start showing and after 4 months...well you know. Today is my third day at work in a sports bra and thankfully I have always worn baggy clothes so nobody suspects a darn thing...yet.

I have found who I am and she is the process of trying to conjure up the courage to be her. (Did I just refer to myself in the third person?) I have had an interesting life and I tend to have other issues such as OCD. I also dyslexia love!!! Many of my posts are re-edited time and again because I just spew out things and they just come out wrong too frequently. I think perhaps I took 1 too many hits with a steel frying pan or paddle to the head so I am unique, just like everybody else.








Posted on: October 12, 2007, 07:30:13 AM

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Hi Cindy

I can understand your turn to alcohol. For me it was drugs. Uppers, downers, and all arounders. I dropped acid, snorted coke, and injected crank to get through my late teens and early 20's.

The hardest thing to coming to terms with who I really was had to be getting over my childhood. I thought so many times I was the way I was because of the abuse I endured, yet those feelings are too deeply ingrained and HRT feels too good and right for me to put it off on a bad child hood. I am who I am. A scared, strongly opinionated bitchy person on her way to womanhood.

I admire your courage as well, it takes a strong person to do the right thing for themselves.

Hi Lori!

I'm still quite new here so I just read your excellent introduction for the first time.
Reading about you're childhood made me feel very sad. Although nowhere near as bad as yours, I too experienced a violent upbringing, and lived in fear of the daily beatings handed out by my father. Its something that no child should ever have to live through. Even though he is now dead and gone, I still have to live with the mental scars, which will never go away, and its the reason I've been so good at hiding my feelings and conforming to my male role for so long.
I'm so glad to hear things are working out for you, and I really hope you get everything you want from life.

Bobby XXX

PS My mother was 38DD as well so maybe......you know

Hi Lori

Oh honey The inner child is very beautiful entity. It is possible to see here you know. I did about 8 years ago when I was meditating while using a mirror. I saw allot of different stuff in that mirror while meditating. Every thing got fogy like and I found myself standing in the fog then I heard a voice actually it a was whimpering sound. I followed the sound until I saw this little girl. She was wearing a blue dress and white ruffles as hem and sleeves She had dark ringleted hair. I bent down to hold her by this time  all I wanted to do is hold this child until she stooped crying.

After I touched her she raised her head and looked up at me. It was heart wrenching when I saw the tear stains on both here cheeks and tears rolled out of those beautiful doe type eyes ad her lip that were heart shaped and quivered. This was when it was like I had been hit by lightning and the next thing  I know is that I had gone way back in time to where I saw myself and I remember being somewhat shocked. The real me when I was a child looked just like the one that was in my vision, she could have been a twin which I came t know was my inner self. You see the transition for me had already started many years ago I just wasn't aware as to what it was.

Anyway on the way back it was quite a blast. I believe I had felt every emotion and feelings I ever had through out all those years. I have revisited my past many times and every time Id I think of myself as a girl growing up on the homestead. There never was that other part of me, I was a girl that grew up wearing males clothes.

I have reconstructed my past as a child growing up and while I am doing this I have also been rebuilding her childhood which was no picnic for her either. Together we have reformed our childhood and brought her childhood memories where we knew each other and interacted with each other. This was the fun part for me because I had  to boy street fighting mama for a friend, her name was Helen.

Well it was imagination that saved my bacon from the fire.
Would you like to reform your childhood?

Hugs

Cindy.           

Quote from: Wing Walker on October 12, 2007, 02:22:26 AM
I admire your sheer gutsiness and survival instincts.

Me too. VERY much so.

We've obviously talked a lot this last year+, so you know that aside from my own internal struggles, my trans was pretty darn easy. I never had to face some of the risks you're taking, so I apologize if I ever seem flippant or dismissive of your concerns when we chat. I REALLY admire your courage, honesty and determination to finally, FINALLY resolve this.

You *deserve* to be Lori now. You've paid your dues... and then some.

~Kate~

Quote from: Bobbie on October 12, 2007, 08:20:52 AM
I still have to live with the mental scars, which will never go away, and its the reason I've been so good at hiding my feelings and conforming to my male role for so long.

Its how you deal with those mental scars that make you the person you are today. It took I don't know how many years to get over it....and I'm still not really over it. When my step mom dies I'm going to her funeral in a Red Dress. I learned recently she is christian now and has asked for forgiveness yet while she may be right in the eyes of the lord, I still harbor unwell feelings towards her and always will. Honestly I'm not much of a believer but I feel that anybody that beats a child will not be forgiven if there is a one true god. To take such trust and innocence and corrupt it with torture and beatings is unfogivable whether it was as bad as mine or less. Children are pure and loving and should never be harmed or taken for granted. Damn her and damn those that take away that innocence.

Posted on: October 12, 2007, 08:27:30 AM

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Quote from: cindybc on October 12, 2007, 08:21:14 AM

Would you like to reform your childhood?

Hugs

Cindy.           

Can I be that little girl playing quietly in a loving home with a pet cat?

Posted on: October 12, 2007, 08:30:29 AM

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Quote from: Kate on October 12, 2007, 08:25:11 AM

Quote from: Wing Walker on October 12, 2007, 02:22:26 AM
I admire your sheer gutsiness and survival instincts.

Me too. VERY much so.

We've obviously talked a lot this last year+, so you know that aside from my own internal struggles, my trans was pretty darn easy. I never had to face some of the risks you're taking, so I apologize if I ever seem flippant or dismissive of your concerns when we chat. I REALLY admire your courage, honesty and determination to finally, FINALLY resolve this.

You *deserve* to be Lori now. You've paid your dues... and then some.

~Kate~

My adult hood has been mixed and unusal due to who I am. I am very different and many will say that is just (insert male name)!! I know I paid my dues and I feel like maybe its my turn to shine. I am wise enough to know this world can be cruel and doesnt owe me anything. All I have to do is let my mind drift to a small child standing in the middle of Iraq after a bomb went off trying to find a missing body part or his/her parents and I know things could have been worse. I cannot compare being picked up by the ears and getting kneed in the crotch before being tossed across a room to slide down a wall to living in a war zone. Yes my childhood sucked, but compared to many others I'm o.k.

Hi Lori

Just thought I would change this post for maybe what is more relevant to this topic. I had my own ways to face my ghosts of the past, and get by them. Everyone has a different concept of their own personal demons from the past. All I can say is I have experienced many different levels of emotional growth through the years. Each of those emotional experiences helped to grow and learn different aspects and concepts of life around me. I wasn't alone and probably never will again. there are many people out there that are in need of help to become conscious of the rest of the world around them, like abused children, women, those with mental health issues, street people, alcoholics, addicts, etc and now I have come full circle where I will have the honor to once again work with TS in person. 

This is what I love about Vancouver BC most everything is hands on work here. 

Cindy 

Welcome back Lori .  I hadn't read your intro before.  Quite touching.  I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance. 

Hi Lori

QuoteChildren are pure and loving and should never be harmed or taken for granted.

It is against the laws of Spirit and nature for those that would do such harm to a child, this perpetrator will need to answer to Creator someday.

You don't need to wish it or pray for it to come, the time will arrive without your intervention. The best kind of Karma is the type that comes in it's own time.

Just pray for said person's sole for when that day come around.

Cindy

Quote from: Butterfly on October 13, 2007, 11:43:17 AM
Welcome back Lori .  I hadn't read your intro before.  Quite touching.  I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance. 

And vice versa, Thank you so much.



Posted on: October 14, 2007, 08:38:55 AM

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Quote from: cindybc on October 14, 2007, 03:53:36 AM
Hi Lori

It is against the laws of Spirit and nature for those that would do such harm to a child, this perpetrator will need to answer to Creator someday.

You don't need to wish it or pray for it to come, the time will arrive without your intervention. The best kind of Karma is the type that comes in it's own time.

Just pray for said person's sole for when that day come around.

Cindy

Its not very lady like to harbor ill feelings towards another living creature, yet I cannot help but to hope that her eyes will be opened and the hate and suffering she dished out will be repaid in full. She took away my innocence, my childhood and corrupted me with fear and took away my will to live. May she burn in hell

I do find comfort sobbing to this song...have you heard it?

Creed Creed - Don't Stop Dancing

For some reason I cannot get the video to show up and its taking really long time to load...





At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

Children don't stop dancing
Believe we can fly
Away...away

At times life's unfair and you know it's plain to see
Hey God I know I'm just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

Children don't stop dancing
Believe we can fly
Away...away

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Are we hiding in the shadows?



I truly love all children and I think Lori's mission is to help those that have been hurt. May all children dance away their pain and sorrow...I want to be their guardian angel and protect them all.

My dearest Lori

I wish I were there to embrace you and comfort you. You are speaking to one who has had 11 children go under my roof at one time of another through the years. I love children and it disgusts me to no ends when I hear of children being mistreated. The one good thing about it was when I was working as a social worker I on a few occasions had to go extract an mom and children out of hostile situation. I'm only 5' 3" and all of 125 lbs but I never let that be a hindrance when I was out to help another. I have been in the rescuing business since I was a little kid bringing stray animals home and just graduated to bringing stray people home with me, to my mom and dads chagrin, worried they would steal the silverware I guess. They worried, yes, of course, but they never stood in the way. Like I mentioned in another post I for many years I had a death wish and maybe still do to some extent because I still wouldn't hesitate going on a rescue mission as I call it.

Cindy   

Posted on: October 14, 2007, 09:10:30 AM

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Hi Lori

My goodness, do you see a synchronicity in our posts? We were right on the same page. Oh yes I love children. Especially the young uns, so innocent, like little angels they are, angels who believe in angels, mermaids and Fairies. I am certain that they are gifted, connected until someone comes along and corrupts their innocent little minds. Now why would anyone want to do harm to these children. What is sad is that these children are just to many times will grow up with these mental scars. I say this is  debauchery at it's best.

Like in the song many times I found myself on my knees so many time looking for an answer but only got more of the same crap. Until finally one day I found my answer, it was at this time that I discovered who resided within the innocent child that was within myself. When things get tough I go visit here, I just block out the world and just go fly as free as the eagle to any magic land of my choosing.  The mind is a strange thing and has the capacity to bring you to some very wonderful places.

Now you have the perfect opportunity to embrace the inner child, know her, then be her, her name is Lori. 

Cindy     

Hi Lori, glad your here too!!! kind of in the same boat in that I'm 39 y/o and just getting started. got into therapy (love her she's great) and taking it all real slow. I hope I can offer any help / advice if you need it!!!

I think I may have posted this on another thread somewhere. I had composed it on one of my  groups and thought it quite appropriate for this thread.

If you wish to be who you truly are then you may have to look at the world about you from a different perspective. Also, take a good look within yourself to see the person you truly are. Touch her, feel her, know her, then be her.

There are as many colors within the range of human emotions, feelings, and perceptions as there are in the spectrum of visible light. The number of possible outcomes is without counting. This is why it is important to look at the world with reference to who you truly are within to find the true you, the one without guile or error. You might need to feel all of the colors that you can possibly feel in the spectrum of emotion to learn what you need to know, and like many other things in this imperfect world, certain combinations can hurt a lot when embraced and hopefully you will learn to quickly let go of what does not serve you well.

Once you have made up your mind and have determined who you are, you will have found the one within. Then you can go forth in pride without fear or uncertainty as to who you are. If you have looked at yourself as mentioned above there will be no room for uncertainty in your spiritual walk or journey.

Always come from the purest part of the heart within yourself. Walking the spiritual path is not the easiest to walk, but it has many wonderful benefits, not the least among which are a good self-image, self esteem, the knowledge of being an equal (in some cases, above) with the rest of the world and truly shine the light for those on the lower rungs of the ladder, and happy with whom you sleep and awake even when you are alone.

Such is what you would call the road to enlightenment. One must know the darkness in order to appreciate the light.

May the Infinite bless you all on your journey in this world of uncertainties.

My home is where ever I hang my hat, now I wish I had a hat.

Cindy