(Sorry if this ends up being really poorly written - I woke up literally 15 minutes ago and I'm also extremely upset right now)

Lately, something strange has been happening.. something that has me really confused and anxious:

For the past 5 days or so, during the first 2-3 hours after I wake up, I've been having an intense identity crisis. I wake up... feeling like a woman. And it's so, so scary.

I don't understand why I started having these feelings - nothing happened to trigger them. I merely woke up one day, and the very moment I opened my eyes I had that feeling.. And the scariest part?

It felt familiar.

It made me remember what I tried so hard to forget after I realized (I don't know if I can even say that anymore..) that I was trans: That I didn't always feel this way.

Yes, I've spent the past 8 or so years experiencing (what I thought was..?) dysphoria, identifying as a guy and feeling the need to transition.

BUT:

I spent 14 years before that identifying as a girl. Happily, even..

I can't remember exactly where that girl went, or why.. I just remember at around age 14, I started feeling confused. I started to question myself, and after that it gets fuzzy.. I don't remember when I came to the conclusion that I identified as a man. And I think it's because I've tried so hard to erase my past - even from myself - because I feared it would make people deem my identity as invalid.. And now I regret it.

If I hadn't forced myself to forget, maybe figuring this out would be easier. Maybe - if I really have been fooling myself for the past 8 years - I could just think back to when I started questioning my identity and say "AHA! So that's what caused it!".

I'm just.. so confused!!

I don't feel like the first 14 years of my life were simply me being blissfully unaware. Yet at the same time.. the past 8 years don't feel like they were "fake", either. The dysphoria was genuine. The desire to transition was genuine. I was (am..?) a man.

Some of you might be thinking "Well, maybe you're genderfluid!". But no, that doesn't feel right - it doesn't feel like it fits. I don't know if I'm a man or a woman anymore.. but I'm at least 99% sure that I'm not fluid.


*sigh* I don't even know where I'm going with this, or what I hope to get out of posting this here.. I know everyone is just going to tell me to see a therapist, but I don't feel like that would help. I can't remember much of my past.. but I do remember that during the questioning phase I just wanted to be told what I was. I didn't want to think about it - I just wanted to describe how I was feeling and let other people tell me what those feelings meant for me. This just confused me further, because while a lot of people told me "sounds like you're trans, to me", there was also the odd "maybe it's something else" response. I didn't know who to believe, and I just brushed off anyone who said "The only one who can tell you if you're trans or not is you" because I wasn't sure of myself at the time and just wanted to be told who I was. And I fear that's what would happen if I went to the therapist; that if they told me they thought I was or wasn't trans, I'd believe them - even if they were wrong.

But at the same time.. I feel so lost and afraid right now, and I need someone to talk to but.. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.  I can't talk to any of my cis friends or family - or even strangers - about this because I've learned that if you show any signs of uncertainty, they always (in my experience) jump to the conclusion that you're not trans - you're just delusional.

And yet, despite posting this here.. I feel like I can't talk to trans people about these feelings, either, because I feel like no one here can relate if I am indeed cis.

On top of that, I feel ashamed.. If I really am just a cis woman who's been kidding herself for 8 years, and bigots who believe that trans people are just delusional learn about it.. I'll just make things harder for people who are trans, because those bigots will see me as proof of their beliefs. And in addition to that, I feel like if I'm a woman.. I've made a mockery of actual trans men. I feel like a traitor.


Anyway, I'll stop there before I start going in circles.. Even if you can't tell me who I am, I'll appreciate any support I can get right now.

Also.. if this has upset anyone, I'm really, really sorry.  I may not remember much pre-questioning, but I swear that I didn't "become" trans because I thought it was "cool".

And just like the past few mornings, the feeling has faded again..

I'm glad it's gone, but I wish I knew what was causing it.  At first I assumed it was just because I was still sleepy (since it only seems to happen when I first wake up), but idk. That doesn't seem normal..

I wonder if it has anything to do with the dysphoria spike I've been experiencing lately..? I dunno how that works, though.. I dunno. Maybe it's my minds defense mechanism?? Maybe it thinks that it needs to tell me I'm a woman because being a man is causing me pain? Idk.. None of that explains the first 14 years of my life, why it changed, nor does it bring back all those memories I suppressed.


Anyway, I'm really embarrassed about posting this here now that I'm not as anxious - I hope no one thinks I've lost my marbles.  I debated deleting this.. but I think I'll keep it open - just in case those confusing feelings return.

Sorry for getting all weird on y'all. Hopefully I'll figure everything out soon.

I v had theses sorts of things happen to me , but it was after i was made feel guilty by peoples of who i was and that it got "deep" in me , even felt guilty of dysphoria at some point , but it was me , the environemrnt can have on me some influence thats not always very good  , i v tryed not supressing my first years , because beyond the question of "being trans" it affected me too as a person as a human , altough i would prefer i had theses first years as a girĺ and the environement affecting me as such.

Oh man, that sounds like an intense and scary experience. I'm sorry! I've had (and still have) those very brief moments from time to time when I thought I suddenly felt like a woman, but they always pass very very quickly.

I think first of all try to accept that this feeling is there. I understand it's probably a cause for anxiety and fear for you, but still, accept that you feel this way at the moment.

You mention that you don't think a therapist can help with this. That's ok, of course I just wanted to say that I believe that without my therapist, I wouldn't have been able to access many of the repressed feelings, memories, and emotions that I'm dealing with (working through) now. I suspect that at one point I would have gotten there without him, but he definitely was a catalyst.

Whatever you do, try not to suppress this feeling - if you can, explore it. What does feeling like this do to your dysphoria, to how you want others to see and address you?

Quote from: adrian on November 10, 2014, 02:54:05 PM
Oh man, that sounds like an intense and scary experience. I'm sorry! I've had (and still have) those very brief moments from time to time when I thought I suddenly felt like a woman, but they always pass very very quickly.

I think first of all try to accept that this feeling is there. I understand it's probably a cause for anxiety and fear for you, but still, accept that you feel this way at the moment.

You mention that you don't think a therapist can help with this. That's ok, of course I just wanted to say that I believe that without my therapist, I wouldn't have been able to access many of the repressed feelings, memories, and emotions that I'm dealing with (working through) now. I suspect that at one point I would have gotten there without him, but he definitely was a catalyst.

Whatever you do, try not to suppress this feeling - if you can, explore it. What does feeling like this do to your dysphoria, to how you want others to see and address you?

To be honest, each time these feelings have come up, I don't want to be seen or addressed as anything. Not by he, not be she, and not by genderless/gender neutral pronouns. At that moment, I just want to cease existing so all the confusion and anxiety will go away, as well as to avoid confusing other people. I'm afraid that by going "back and forth", people won't take me seriously anymore.

And I find it really strange how I actually feel like 10x worse when I wake up feeling like a woman.. I would think that I would be relieved, y'know?

I mean, if I'm cis, that means I don't have to transition. I don't have to come out again. I don't have to deal with constantly correcting people on my name and pronouns. I could just live my life without ever having to think about it.

Perhaps it's because I assume the feeling is just going to "go away" again, and I'll be back to being a man after awhile.. Maybe I feel worse when I feel like I'm a woman because I fear the dysphoria will return. (plus shame and guilt for "thinking I'm trans" for 8 years)


I have a vague memory of this happening before (going back and forth).. I think I was 17. I think it lasted for a couple months, but it took a lot out of me and I just.. gave up on figuring it out. That is until my dysphoria got worse. (whenever that was..)

I'm trying not to block it out of my mind this time, since it only makes it harder to sort out my feelings and what they mean when stuff like this happens, but.. it's hard. Not knowing who I am is terrifying. And I'm afraid of people thinking I'm "sick in the head". And when I try to think about the what's, when's and why's, it just stresses me out further because it never seems to get me anywhere - it just leads me in circles.

Well, the feelings have come back again.. so that rules out sleep as the cause, at least. 

My feeling are fluctuating a lot more rapidly this time, though.. Instead of spending a couple hours feeling like I may be a woman and then go back to feeling like a man for several, it's now changing every 10 minutes or so (I'm not timing it or anything, though). But I still don't know what feeling to trust.. When the feeling of being a woman takes over, I feel like the trans part of me is/was fake. But when I feel like a man.. the woman part feels fake. But they can't both be fake and real at the same time, can they?! That doesn't even make sense!

Ugh, all this confusion is giving me a headache.. and a sharp pain in my chest. I feel like crying, but crying makes me feel like I'm losing my sanity (as if I have any left).. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel anything anymore. 

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 10, 2014, 08:29:47 PM
Well, the feelings have come back again.. so that rules out sleep as the cause, at least. 

My feeling are fluctuating a lot more rapidly this time, though.. Instead of spending a couple hours feeling like I may be a woman and then go back to feeling like a man for several, it's now changing every 10 minutes or so (I'm not timing it or anything, though). But I still don't know what feeling to trust.. When the feeling of being a woman takes over, I feel like the trans part of me is/was fake. But when I feel like a man.. the woman part feels fake. But they can't both be fake and real at the same time, can they?! That doesn't even make sense!

Ugh, all this confusion is giving me a headache.. and a sharp pain in my chest. I feel like crying, but crying makes me feel like I'm losing my sanity (as if I have any left).. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel anything anymore. 

I hope you managed to get some sleep after all. Let me just tell you that our minds can do scary stuff when we're stressed or scared.

This may sound silly, but can you try to relax? Can you so some Yoga breathing exercises or have you meditated before? This helps me when I panic.

Like I said - I have those moments when I think I feel like a woman. But the moment I think about what wearing a dress would feel like I realize that's not who I am. Still feels like drag.

Remind me again, are you on t? And have you had your hormone levels checked recently?

Like I said

Quote from: Hanazono on November 10, 2014, 10:31:01 PM
just as you transitioned not for anyone but yourself
hence if you decide otherwise and retransition, it should not be for anyone but yourself

you did not disgrace cis het society by transitioning FTM
you would not disgrace FTM society retransitioning.

if it feels right for you, that is.

I'd like to share something with you. 5 years ago, (and 5 years into my transition), I had serious doubts about my identity. I cut my hair short, and tried living as a 100% male, boobs, hips and all. I could not stand it (the dysphoria) not because my body was changed so much but because I was not a male.

I am so sure now that I am trans. It was drastic, it screwed me up, but now I am about to have GCS and complete my transition.

Only one way to find out.

Thank you. And I'm glad things worked out for you. 

Quote from: adrian on November 11, 2014, 12:39:54 AM

I hope you managed to get some sleep after all. Let me just tell you that our minds can do scary stuff when we're stressed or scared.

This may sound silly, but can you try to relax? Can you so some Yoga breathing exercises or have you meditated before? This helps me when I panic.

Like I said - I have those moments when I think I feel like a woman. But the moment I think about what wearing a dress would feel like I realize that's not who I am. Still feels like drag.

Remind me again, are you on t? And have you had your hormone levels checked recently?

Like I said

I slept, but only after sobbing my eyes out for a solid 20 minutes.  It wasn't directly due to the confusion - I was just worried about my 15 year old dog who keeps getting sick and upset myself thinking about how she probably doesn't have much life left in her. But the stress from the confusion probably didn't help.

And haha, me and the word "relax" don't get along well.. About the only thing that can get rid of my anxiety when it gets this bad is crying my eyes out (like last night - but I hate doing that. I feel better after, but during I feel worse), and being held.

And no - I'm not taking testosterone, nor have I checked my hormone levels (in fact, I don't think I've ever once had them checked..).


I thought those feelings had finally passed today - I woke up feeling "normal" (felt like a man, wasn't confused), but it just hit me full force again.  And as all of the other times, there was no trigger or warning that it was about to hit. I felt fine, and then I didn't. I felt male.. and then I didn't.

At this point I don't really even care where my gender lands.. I just want it to stop changing. 

I wish I could find someone who genuinely thought they were trans, but later realized they weren't.. Going by some of the responses I've gotten here on this thread, it'd be relatively easy to find someone who had doubts but eventually came to the conclusion that yes - they're trans. But I don't know where I could find someone who experienced the opposite..

I'd just like to ask them how they figured it all out.. when they started having doubts, how long did they spend believing they were trans, how they adjusted to "going back", etc.

I suppose I'm lucky, in a way.. If it turns out that I really have been fooling myself this whole time, at least I don't have to deal with physically detransitioning, since I haven't had any surgery or started hormones. I haven't even really socially transitioned.. only online with strangers.

And yet somehow, "going back" seems like it would be really hard.. I've spent so long imagining my future as a man. I've forgotten how to think of myself as a woman.. Is mental detransition even a thing?? idk..

*sigh* It's just all so stressful.. I don't know what to do because my identity won't make up it's mind. I'm afraid to take any steps towards transition because I want to be 100% sure I won't have any regrets. But at the same time, because I go back and forth feeling male and then female, I don't feel like detransitioning (if I can even call it that) would be a good idea, either. I'm just.. stuck. 

Quote from: Hanazono on November 11, 2014, 11:25:30 PM
instead of forcing yourself to fit into a certain form or mindset,
why not accept yourself as who you are first? it's certainly faster and easier

The issue is, I don't know who I am.. Right now, all I am is confused. 

*sigh* Maybe I shouldn't rule out the possibility of being fluid, after all.. or anything that isn't purely male or female 100% of the time.

Thinking back.. I do recall a time - early on in my questioning phase (I guess I'm technically in that phase again, though) - where I played with the possibility of being both. And even neither. I think I even tried on the label "Neutrois" for a short period during that time.. I can't remember much else, though. Like how/when I came to the conclusion that I wasn't neither or both - that I was just male.


Gah, it shouldn't be this hard to figure it out.. right?? Why can't I just know??

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 12, 2014, 12:18:14 AM
*sigh* Maybe I shouldn't rule out the possibility of being fluid, after all.. or anything that isn't purely male or female 100% of the time.

Thinking back.. I do recall a time - early on in my questioning phase (I guess I'm technically in that phase again, though) - where I played with the possibility of being both. And even neither. I think I even tried on the label "Neutrois" for a short period during that time.. I can't remember much else, though. Like how/when I came to the conclusion that I wasn't neither or both - that I was just male.


Gah, it shouldn't be this hard to figure it out.. right?? Why can't I just know??

As Hanazono said -- try to accept what is. Currently that means fluctuating (which by the way still sounds far from cis to me ).

Relaxing is a nightmare for me as well. Breathing exercises are my best bet .

Figuring out your gender is a pretty hard thing! It's hard even when it doesn't fluctuate, and you're trying to tie down what is currently a moving target.

Fluctuating doesn't mean you cannot transition, but you have to tread carefully. You don't want to end up missing the moobs after top surgery, for example. But no one says you cannot be a femme transguy. Or a woman comfortable in a man's body! There is no gender police that can look into your head and tell you "that's not allowed" (well, there is a gender police, we call them cis-/heteronormative society - but they still cannot look into your head ).

The only thing that is important is for your dysphoria to lessen.

Quote from: adrian on November 12, 2014, 12:32:44 AM

As Hanazono said -- try to accept what is. Currently that means fluctuating (which by the way still sounds far from cis to me ).

Relaxing is a nightmare for me as well. Breathing exercises are my best bet .

Figuring out your gender is a pretty hard thing! It's hard even when it doesn't fluctuate, and you're trying to tie down what is currently a moving target.

Fluctuating doesn't mean you cannot transition, but you have to tread carefully. You don't want to end up missing the moobs after top surgery, for example. But no one says you cannot be a femme transguy. Or a woman comfortable in a man's body! There is no gender police that can look into your head and tell you "that's not allowed" (well, there is a gender police, we call them cis-/heteronormative society - but they still cannot look into your head ).

The only thing that is important is for your dysphoria to lessen.

I suppose you're right.. thank you.  you've made me a little less anxious (believe it or not  ) I guess I'll try and take y'alls advice and just.. let it do whatever it's gonna do.

For some reason it feels like it's gonna be really hard to accept that my identity doesn't feel exactly the same all the time.. but I'll try to stop overthinking it so much and looking at it like it's a bad thing.

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 12, 2014, 12:43:52 AM
I suppose you're right.. thank you.  you've made me a little less anxious (believe it or not  ) I guess I'll try and take y'alls advice and just.. let it do whatever it's gonna do.

For some reason it feels like it's gonna be really hard to accept that my identity doesn't feel exactly the same all the time.. but I'll try to stop overthinking it so much and looking at it like it's a bad thing.

Sounds like a plan! [emoji16] 

Keep on writing here, we'll give you all the support we can!

Quote from: Hanazono on November 12, 2014, 12:48:50 AM
then accept that you're confused.
and just remember
you don't have to be anything. you just are.

Good point.  I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm still the same person, regardless of what I identify with at that point.. Thank you.

Quote from: adrian on November 12, 2014, 12:49:00 AM

Sounds like a plan! [emoji16] 

Keep on writing here, we'll give you all the support we can!

Haha, I'm sure I will.  Y'all have calmed me for the time being, but I'm sure I still have a few "freak outs" ahead of me before I can really accept this as a part of who I am.

But even just knowing I can come here to talk about it helps a lot.. because like I expressed in the opening post, I wasn't sure where to go. And that was a huge part of the anxiety - just the feeling of being alone.

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 12, 2014, 12:18:14 AM
Gah, it shouldn't be this hard to figure it out.. right?? Why can't I just know??

No. It isn't easy to figure out. Putting that kind of expectation on yourself, especially now, is just self abuse. Be gentler with yourself, and accept things as they are right now. The only thing that matters is that you are healthy and happy and the only way you can end up that way is to let yourself be.

You should come on down to the Non-binary forums. There are so many people there who have similar experiences to yours its ridiculous. You don't have to live there with us, but it sounds like you could use the visit. 

Quote from: AnonBear on November 12, 2014, 01:03:09 AM
No. It isn't easy to figure out. Putting that kind of expectation on yourself, especially now, is just self abuse. Be gentler with yourself, and accept things as they are right now. The only thing that matters is that you are healthy and happy and the only way you can end up that way is to let yourself be.

You should come on down to the Non-binary forums. There are so many people there who have similar experiences to yours its ridiculous. You don't have to live there with us, but it sounds like you could use the visit.

Oh yeah?? Maybe I should've peeked in there before I made this freakout thread.  I hardly ever look at that part of the forum because I (assumed) I don't belong there.

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 12, 2014, 01:06:51 AM
Oh yeah?? Maybe I should've peeked in there before I made this freakout thread.  I hardly ever look at that part of the forum because I (assumed) I don't belong there.

Neither did I because I thought that was kinda "here be dragons" place.
Biiig mistake for overlooking that cause it would have made some things easier and allowed to avoid lots and lots of confusion. Sounds familiar, huh?

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 12, 2014, 01:26:09 AM
Neither did I because I thought that was kinda "here be dragons" place.
Biiig mistake for overlooking that cause it would have made some things easier and allowed to avoid lots and lots of confusion. Sounds familiar, huh?

Sure does! 

Maybe I should go say hi... Bah, why am I getting shy all of the sudden? 

Quote from: littleredrobinhood on November 12, 2014, 01:34:29 AM
Sure does! 

Maybe I should go say hi... Bah, why am I getting shy all of the sudden? 

Cause You are afraid that there... actually... might be dragons? Dont worry, they wont bite (unless You ask for it).
But the most terrifying discovery might be that You are actually one of them (us) too... 
Still, the sad thing is that Your denial wont change anything. It does not work that way (whom I am telling that anyway .

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 12, 2014, 02:59:16 AM
Cause You are afraid that there... actually... might be dragons? Dont worry, they wont bite (unless You ask for it).
But the most terrifying discovery might be that You are actually one of them (us) too... 
Still, the sad thing is that Your denial wont change anything. It does not work that way (whom I am telling that anyway .

Actually, I would love to meet a dragon! 

And true, the possibility is a bit scary.. But I think that may be because it's "new" to me. The first 14 years of my life I lived as a.. well, a binary cis girl, I guess. And then for the past 8 years I've spent denying those first 14 years, insisting that I'm 100% male all of the time, and always have been (even when I had moments where I had doubts similar to the ones I've been feeling now). So coming to the conclusion that I'm NB would be kind of like realizing I'm trans all over again.