Okay,  so I am sitting in the waiting room at my doctors office today when I get to encounter and overhear a wonderful conversation.   There was a couple sitting across from me and I could hear them talking.  While I didn't catch all the details, i just felt it was about me.  I'm sure they were aware of my situation given the fact that I am in an endo office,  looking as i do   I kept hearing them mumble about sonething and they were staring.  Very loudly his wife tells him to stop staring more than once.  And when I got called in to the room, they watched me as I walked in.  This isn't the worst I've had to deal with, I've been called a ->-bleeped-<- and have had people say mean things and stares that were much worse than today.  But I'm tired of feeling like a walking freakshow.  I've had enough of it.  I just want to be a normal person.  Right now it's impossible as a non passing transperson.  I still present "male" for this reason, but i feel and look awkward as either gender at the moment.   I just hope it's not always like this for me.  And not everyone is bad, in fact most have been nice and supportive,  but it just gets me down.   Those people probably didn't even feel they did anything bad and I'm sure they meant nothing, but that was enough to have me crying this morning.

Thank you for letting me rant.   I needed to get this out.  I just wish I knew how to handle this stuff better.   I'm getting used to it but it's not nice when it happens. 

Oh LTL! I have seen your photos girl. The only thing drawing attention to yourself is simply your lack of belief in yourself. You are finally living the way you should so relax and enjoy it. Transition is the beginning of a whole new life. 

So.... walk into the world and own is sister!!

Girl,

Let it just roll off your shoulders.

You are a better person then all of them.

Keep your head held high, it slowly melts into just background noise when we do no longer care.

Hugs

(((HUGS))) I agree wholeheartedly agree with Jessica, have confidence in yourself and be the strong person that I know you can be. The way I look at it is that if somebody is staring at me or talking about me. It's only because my life is more interesting than theirs, and I thank them for making me the center of their universe at that time. You need to learn to turn it right back on them, make them feel bad for talking about you and staring at you, it really is pretty easy to do once you learn how to do it. Hang in there, honey, I know everything will turn out okay. Be the strong, independent, and beautiful woman that you are and let the world know and may the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Have you at least made your wardrobe more andro? I know this isn't a race, but you gotta start sometime. Seriously, a makeover, clothes, and a new hairdo go a long way. Especially the hair.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 13, 2014, 02:55:28 PM
Oh LTL! I have seen your photos girl. The only thing drawing attention to yourself is simply your lack of belief in yourself. You are finally living the way you should so relax and enjoy it. Transition is the beginning of a whole new life. 

I have to agree with Jessica, I've seen your photos too and you're stunning.  Maybe I'm missing something but I would never be able to tell that you are transgender if I didn't know.

Take care,
Paige

For stares and drawing attention therapy, come in Japan.
You will be usually stared at anywhere you go, however you present, especially in rural areas.
As far as I know, I'm the only foreigner trans at my therapist's office.
The waiting room being usually full, everybody stares at me all the time.

I got no idea what you look like, so I can't judge and say anything about your looks, because.. I don't know . But you are a sweetheart and with that probably too worried of what others might think.

People are curious creatures, that is how we learn after all. And also pretty rude. Like monkeys! Rambling is happening now.. Anyhow! Again I cannot judge but do not worry too much about passing. Chances are you are less likely to pass when you try, than when you are just being you. Wear the clothes, act, move and stand up for yourself as how a 'normal' person would do. Make them feel abnormal.

Hey,

When your getting mis-gendred while in boy mode it's getting time to be yourself.  Is there something holding you back that you haven't told us?? No wardrobe??  Problems at work or at home?

I'm kinda lost because you are a really good looking girl...

Hugs,

Jennifer

I am not entirely sure what people think, unless they open their mouths.

I've been wrong too many times. I confused intuition for paranoia way too much. These days I get stared at a lot by pretty and beautiful woman. Why? I don't know. Woman never stared at me in the male shape, and now I seem to attract the most attractive. I just smile and continue with what I am doing. I will stand out anyway, no matter how well I pass. My height is an attraction in itself. Coupled with my very, very long hair, I get stared at. Who knows what they think. Until they open their mouths, you will never know... no matter how good you think you are at reading people. (my therapist taught me that).

Wise words.  My therapist taught me the same.  I always try to remember that I have no idea what people are thinking, and my imagination is probably inventing something far worse than the reality. 

Hanazono,

I'm caucasian. Me not pass. Some pictures are on 'do I pass as female?' thread.

Oh LTL.  I've seen your photos.

The reason you're getting stares is because you don't pass as male. I wouldn't mind even betting that people think you're a FTM...

I know confidence can be hard to come by, but you really need to start pushing your boundaries. Because one day you're going to look back and kick yourself for all of this worry over absolutely nothing.

 Those people probably didn't even feel they did anything bad and I'm sure they meant nothing, but that was enough to have me crying this morning.

I'm so sorry this made you feel bad enough to cry, but in my opinion you took the high road thru the entire experience.  As noted in the quote above you even come to their defense, so as far as I'm concerned....very well done.  Your character shines thru nicely.  Dani

Thanks everyone for being so nice.  I just can't see it myself and don't think most in my real life would concur with some of the opinions here.  I don't know.  Part of me thinks I'll never get through this.   But i do appreciate the encouraging thoughts.

  Things got even worse last night as my mom and I had a fight.  It escalated to her leaving the house and not coming back until the morning.   Is hard to have any confidence when you're own family is against you.  My mom admitted that she would rather I do what she wants rather than me ever be happy.  Granted, i understand how hard it is, but it just hurts to know your family sees you as a disappointing failure. And the threat of having to find a new place is up again as my mom can't handle living with a transexual.  I guess I should have seen that coming, but im broke and this is going to be really hard on me.  I don't even know how I can move forward in general.   I suppose I will find a way, but I'm just so scared and sad.  Part of me just wants to take a bunch of pills tonight and be done with it.  I don't think I will really do that but I just feel like doing it sometimes.  It's just everything about transitioning has been so costly and there are things I have lost cause of it.  I still feel the risk was worth taking,  but this is just so hard.  And here I am stuck at work on a horrible day trying to hide back the tears.  And sadly going home is going to be more awkward cause of this.

Anyway, I do appreciate your support.  And even if I'm going through one of my depressed suicidal phases, i have no regrets about doing this and do believe this is what I have to do.  I just want to be normal and not be seen as a freak by everyone anymore.  And I suppose getting looks in "boy mode" is a good thing in the long run.

Please no comments about my family and my living situation.   I had to bitch but as hard as it is, it's my mom's house and she has a right to feel the way she does even if it hurts me.  I just hope I can have a little more time with shelter, bur things seemed to go really bad last nifht.  But hey, I'm 25.  I need to be able to take care of myself at this point and be an adult.

As usual LTL, you offer great advice to consider.  It feels to me that you are becoming more feminine and more a woman all the time.  I know it is a stereotype, but I have met very few women, including the model level gorgeous ones, who are satisfied with their look.  I have also found that as my transition progresses and my presentation feels more congruent the deficiencies seem more obvious.  You do seem to have a heartbreaking situation and some unsettled business. 

Hang on please

Quote from: learningtolive on November 14, 2014, 12:59:51 PM
But hey, I'm 25.  I need to be able to take care of myself at this point and be an adult.

Hi Olive, 

You are worth it, please don't give up. Your a very kind person to be so considerate in such a tough situation.     I wish I could say or do something to help you.  You deserve better, just like so many in the trans community.   

Please take care of yourself, all the best,
Paige

Quote from: JLT1 on November 13, 2014, 04:55:00 PM
Hey,

When your getting mis-gendred while in boy mode it's getting time to be yourself.  Is there something holding you back that you haven't told us?? No wardrobe??  Problems at work or at home?

I'm kinda lost because you are a really good looking girl...

Hugs,

Jennifer

This, when I changed my clothes into female only all the stares ( well almost all) stopped.
Maybe you need to try a bit to look more feminine...