When I was 15 I had a long period of thinking that I might be gay or bi, because I greatly enjoyed feminine expression. (Wearing jewelry, wearing makeup) I had attraction to members of both genders, and felt very confused. After a year of that, I realized that I didn't want to be in a male body. I tried coming out to my parents, (very supportive and loving) but I wasn't fully ready to explain myself to them at the time and I simply sounded confused. They convinced me it was a phase and I began a long process of denying any non-straight,cis gender things. I would tell myself all the time that being gay is wrong, wanting to be a girl is wrong, and I pretty much kept that up for 2.5 years. I found the hobbie "Parkour" and have been doing that during this time, forcing myself to be "one of the guys".

The Parkour is great, it has taught me about true love of an activity and I still love it, but I began to abuse it after about a year. After a while I started taking risks. Life or death risks. The feeling that if I screw up I die was a comforting thought to me. I would just tell people that I am very dedicated but deep down knew that I didn't want to live, and the pursuit of Parkour was all that I had. I would injure myself and like it because it would better distract me from the feelings I had.

Whenever I saw trans people or things I would get angry and hateful towards them but I think it's because I wanted to be as free as they were. I have sculpted my body to near perfection, with a six pack, a nice muscular chest and strong legs and arms (so much that I have been attracted to myself in the mirror) but it has never felt like it was really me I was looking at.

...

Now I am 18.5 years old. I have dated several girls, but I always feel like I just want to be their friends. I enjoy kissing them, but I never can bring myself to have sex with them. I don't see myself in that male role sexually. (I fantasize lesbian type relations quite frequently however)

In the last week, I have had a flood of feelings rush into me, as the belief that I am a woman inside returns. I have tried cross dressing for the first time and the feeling it brings me is indescribable. It turns me on a bit, and I feel like dancing and being free like a butterfly. Lipstick and eyeliner makes me get all excited to. I look kindof pretty, despite my manly face, and it makes me feel like my life has greater purpose. Even since simply playing with these ideas and thoughts, my focus on schoolwork has increased dramatically, and I feel motivated to do well in school  and other parts of life again. 

The idea of having breasts and female genitalia fascinate me, and being on the female side of a hetero sexual encounter is how I tend to visualize sex. The thought of being a woman makes me want to live in and take part in society, while being a man makes me want to be some kind of daredevil superhero with no desire to really do anything great otherwise. Whenever I am with my guy friends I feel like a girl, following them as they have their crazy adventures, and I just want to sit with them and be their girl. I always feel more like taking the female role.

...

I feel like I am cursed or something, I don't want to feel this way, but I don't think that this is just a phase anymore. It seems that I am only really happy to live life as a woman. I just don't want to be wrong in thinking I am. Maybe I just have a weird fetish or I just haven't found the right girl yet. It seems right in my mind, but maybe I missed something. It just seems like nothing else in my life has felt so wrong and right at the same time.

I think that I could go on as a man, but I would feel empty forever. Like a robot, simply doing my own thing until I die, drowning in my testosterone, probably jumping on something and messing up or whatever. I could be a great Parkour athlete, but I wouldn't care about my life very much other than that.

I definitely should see a therapist or something. Sorry for the long post...

Do you (members of Susan's place) think that I am a Male to Female transgender?

I feel pretty much the same way, except I'm older. Have to run to get to work right now, so I can't say a lot. But it sounds similar to my experiences with a few exceptions. The feeling of self doubt though, I can very much connect with. I feel like I'm trans, but I also worry that it could be a "phase". The more research I do , and the more I talk with people, the more I am hearing that I'm not the only one and it seems like we were raised to try to be who we are supposed to be, as opposed to who we ARE....
-Bear

Thank you for sharing your experience and narrative.  It really is risky and  potentially unhelpful if  folk attempt a diagnosis without training and based on limited information.  There are elements which suggest that you may be trans  but you also may not be trans.  The only way that you can determine whether you are MTF is by working with a good gender therapist.  Unpacking your feelings, dreams and identity takes time and takes work.

Early on, thoughts and feelings are often confusing and frequently contradictory.  Try not to over think this. Take it a step at a time and you will find yourself.

Safe travels

Aisla

Hi Cheeseiron

Um, you're pretty much describing me when I was your age   

For some , the knowledge - the certainty - that they're very definitely in the wrong body comes very early.  For others it's a case of putting together pieces of evidence.  From what you describe, I'd say that the evidence is pretty strong, but it's not a diagnosis.  Only a professional therapist can do that.

Working to have a nice male body is not a contradiction per se - I now realise that I was doing it in some way to reflect what I wanted in a partner    Similarly for sport.  Being transgender doesn't mean that one has to be ultra-feminine or adhere to any ideals of femininity. I will always love fast cars for example!

If you think you could go on as a male, this could be an option, if you want it. Even though I was sure I was trans in my 20s, I then lived for another 20 positive and successful years as a male before I was ready to make the change.  In that sense, although I believe that you would benefit from seeing a therapist to understand youself better, only you can choose your direction and timing.

You seem to be pretty switched on, and not scared or paralysed about how to deal with your life.  This bodes well for whatever life choices you make.

Go explore yourself - I promise it will be a hugely enriching experience.

Hugs
Julia

Hi Cheeseiron 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Welcome Cheeseiron to Susan's family.

That question is asked alot.

As you said that you should see a gender therapist is a great start to come to terms with who you are.

Phase of confusion yes. Gender phase I say no.

I thought so too when I was young. That was more than 52 years ago. 72 now. I am still in just a phase.

Perhaps a good place to start is in the quote "cis people don't question their gender". But therapy will be your biggest ally in learning the truth about yourself.

Thank you for the kind words and helpful advice.

This last week has been a big deal for me. I have felt a desire to live a full life, given my life a sense of meaning. This is something I have not felt in a long time.

My college has free (with tuition) personal counseling and I have set up an appointment in a week or two, so that should help a bit.

I have really come around and I know now who I really am. This is really scary but I'm starting to see the bright side of this.

I know for sure now. I am transgender.

Now I face the challenge of coming out to my parents. 

I'd talk to the therapist a bit before outing yourself. Just to give you time to get your thoughts in order and understand what you might want to do next.

Quote from: Ms Grace on October 29, 2014, 03:41:34 PM
I'd talk to the therapist a bit before outing yourself. Just to give you time to get your thoughts in order and understand what you might want to do next.

I second this.  Your therapist might have seen this movie before and may know how to help the happiest possible ending along.

Okay, I suppose that would be a good idea.

It's just hard because every day I wait I feel like my body is becoming a man's more and more, and I want more than anything to stop those changes.

Up until this point I have been generally dysphoric about my body especially when seeing my reflection, but now chest hair is starting, and I cannot stand seeing my body because it doesn't look or feel right at all. I am shiftingfrom a boy to a man and I hate it.

I do know for sure that I am not cis. That is a definite fact.   

Quote from: cheeseiron on October 29, 2014, 03:33:06 PM
Thank you for the kind words and helpful advice.

This last week has been a big deal for me. I have felt a desire to live a full life, given my life a sense of meaning. This is something I have not felt in a long time.

My college has free (with tuition) personal counseling and I have set up an appointment in a week or two, so that should help a bit.

I have really come around and I know now who I really am. This is really scary but I'm starting to see the bright side of this.

I know for sure now. I am transgender.

Now I face the challenge of coming out to my parents. 

Hey, good for you for getting to that "Settled" feeling. I second (or third, or something) the notion of going to a Therapist. They will help you with objective/outsider viewpoints, and will be able to tell you what to expect and how to deal with people in your life. They can't tell you what to do, but can help you make informed decisions.
In the meantime, if you feel like you want to talk to your parents, please talk to them now. I have let it go for years while I stuggled within, and then struggled with support from friends. I only came out to my Mom last week because I wanted to do a video and come out to the rest of my Facebook friends, co-workers, etc. The reaction from people is going to tend to be similar: "Have you really thought about this?" and (Specifically from my family, as opposed to friends) "OMG, this is so sudden". I blame the last one on myself not letting anyone see my struggle. Had I let them in while I was trying to figure this out, at the very least they wouldn't be so stunned now that I'm out.
Good luck, take each day/moment as it comes, and let us all know how you're doing.
-Bear

Quote from: cheeseiron on October 24, 2014, 04:01:24 AM

Whenever I saw trans people or things I would get angry and hateful towards them but I think it's because I wanted to be as free as they were.

God, can I relate. I have felt that insidious jealousy myself. I came out at the age of 12, when I first found out from an article in a magazine that there was such a thing as transmen. I found support online, but my family didn't take me seriously and sent me to a therapist who belittled my feelings and tried to explain that my dysphoria was just part of feeling awkward in my developing body. And at school, even people who I'd truly believed were my friends were derisive and scornful. "Abomination" this, "he-she" that, etc.

I adopted femininity as a shield against judgment and abuse and "cute"/endearing mannerisms because I hated myself and desperately wanted to be loved. I traded physical violence for leering and street harassment - transphobia for good, ol'-fashioned misogyny.

And even now, more than a decade later, with trans and ally friends and a clearer understanding of who I really am, I constantly question myself. Am I "trans enough" to give up my entire family for my "lifestyle"? Couldn't I just settle for being what they expect me to be?

I wish you the best of luck in coming to terms with your feelings and figuring yourself out. I'm not at the end of the tunnel myself, but I figure we all make it out one way or the other.

I too thought it was just a phase when I was a young teen, or that I was just "strange."  I had known for a few years before then that I was different from the other boys.  Oh, I did boy stuff but preferred dolls to balls and loved playing dress up, much to my mom's angst.  When I was 14 I "knew" I wanted to be a girl and acted our sexually cause that was "what girls did" right?  Anyway, along came high school and with no Internet and being in a very straight, conservative town, I figured I was just being weird and "buried" my fem persona....but it kept reemerging over the years.  Am 59 now and the "phase" is back with a vengeance.  I have decided I am transgender...probably won't transition or even come out, but the acceptance alone has made me happier...guess it wasn't a phase!

Remember that the term transgender is an umbrella term that covers a variety of gender identities.  You may eventually identify with another gender, you may feel satisfied playing the female role in sexual situations, it is a range of emotions and feelings.  I would wait until you can come to better terms with your own identity.  I would also look at LGBTQ resources at your college.  College is usually the most progressive place you can be to transition if necessary and sort out those emotions.

The one truth I can share, this isn't a "Phase" or something you grow out of.. What you decide to do about it can change but these things you are feeling never go away and IMHO just get stronger with time.

Hey Cheeseiron,
I am currently in a similar phase if you will although I am 26. I wonder if it is a phase that will pass, but like another poster said and I have read in many Trans forums and heard in youtube videos "Cis people don't usually question their gender". And I guess that thought has never crossed my mind because I have questioned certain things I do and feel for quite some time, but I never could quite figure out what was going on until recently. Best of luck to you in finding yourself