The last month has been a roller coaster....Since i came to admit to myself that i am trans and want to transition it has been exciting...It was like this new side of my had begun to emerge that was beautiful.  I finally realized what that thing that was wrong was, and the idea of transitioning lifted my spirits like none before....but soon the dysphoria started to kick in.. I felt out of place because i chest was flat, Ive begun to become uncomfortable wearing boxers (I think its time to invest in panties...even the cotton ones make me feel more comfortable)...even having my penis has begun to bring discomfort.  I think since i opened pandora's box my mind has been working against my body to change me into my true self.  I already am in contact with a therapist, and step one was to sign up for insurance....but since the healthcare.gov site doesn't work for a (second year in a row)...I got stuck in my thoughts, and did my routine of looking at transition timelines and daydreaming about the day that i will be able to get out of this skin costume i am in and be who i truly i am like i see so many others doing.  Then just like that the realities sunk in.... The fact that i will probably have to leave my family behind because they are southern baptists and wont understand...The fact that making 9 an hour at a grocery store doesn't leave me with a lot of financial options...Then i started to think about my hairline and how my nose is so big and how my forehead is sloped.  Then i got worried that i would take the steps to realize this dream...only not to be able to pass and not being able to afford the surgery to fix it....Then the worst....what is i have to keep my penis that i am so getting uncomfortable having now that i have started down this rabbit hole.  The realities of what i wanted to do started to sink in so deep that it seeped right into an already aching heart.  Now the girl who i thought would stick by me is leaving...not even because i am trans...because we have not been able to work out stuff long before this bombshell was dropped.  So now i am alone, with no one...questioning everything...questioning whether the butterfly would ever be able to come out of the cocoon.  I layed in my bed in a fetal position...tear after tear dropping....wanting it all to be ok...but it may never be ok...I feel like i have the greatest fight of my life is ahead of me....the fight to be who i am truly am.

Sorry....I just needed to vent...and i had nowhere else to go. 

Hugs DJ Diva
"Pandora's Box"... I like that analogy - you're quite right. For many of us so much stuff lays buried deep down but once it is disturbed, look out! It can be turmoil because that's when we really begin to realise that the body and social roles we're stuck in since birth do not, and never have, matched how our mind was wired. It's like a waking nightmare and there is no other way to really escape from it except to transition, along with all the other issues that raises. But things can settle down - I have found that the worst of it is before transition to full time but that things do become better (not perfect) and I hope that they can for you too.

I've related the butterfly and Pandora's Box analogies to discovering my identity a lot too.

Did you know that after Pandora's Box was opened and all the terrible things escaped there was one more little thing still left hiding inside the box? It was called Elpis which translates to "Hope". I always try to remember that when I think of the story. It might seem like you opened a Pandora's Box of dysphoria but you should still have hope. Also, caterpillars don't turn into butterflies over night, it takes time. You've already accomplished a lot just by admitting to yourself and accepting that you're trans. That in itself can be really difficult.

Quote from: Contravene on November 16, 2014, 05:44:08 AM
I've related the butterfly and Pandora's Box analogies to discovering my identity a lot too.

Did you know that after Pandora's Box was opened and all the terrible things escaped there was one more little thing still left hiding inside the box? It was called Elpis which translates to "Hope". I always try to remember that when I think of the story. It might seem like you opened a Pandora's Box of dysphoria but you should still have hope. Also, caterpillars don't turn into butterflies over night, it takes time. You've already accomplished a lot just by admitting to yourself and accepting that you're trans. That in itself can be really difficult.

Wow, what a great post here.  Makes me smile and maybe sing.  DJ, are you getting some professional guidance?  That is so important when seeking to begin the journey to an authentic life.  Helthcare.gov will work for you.  Keep trying, and make sure that your plan provides for mental health services.  Just saying sweetie.   Hang in there and keep in touch.

Peace,
Julie

Yea i went over the plan with the therapist i am going to see and she said she would accept it...Now i'm on day two of the website not working...and its making my very nervous and anxious at the same time. 

Your post echoes much of my discovery just a few months ago...

A gender therapist is a must.  They understand your situation and will help you sort out the good, bad, and indifferent.

Transitioning from one gender to the other is like taking your whole life and throwing it into the air, where ever it all lands, it all lands.  One must be willing to accept such a shakeup in their life to transition. It's that big, it's that challenging and indeed it's that rewarding.

One needs to realize the family they have before coming out may not be the same as after coming out.  You mentioned SB...I'm in the same boat as you, they're not SB, but still rigid fundamentalists who shout Deut 22:5 but not follow through with rules, only 17 versese later, in Deut 22:22.  They pick and choose to keep people out of their church club.  Jesus said the fields are white (ripe) for the harvest.  Jesus never said "only harvest what you think is useful to your community and leave the rest to rot".  Sadly, that's what we see far too often with in the box churches.

It's a long road with more ups and downs than an east Tennessee back road, but it sure it worth it. Personally, I'm finding God has uncorked me to share His word much more than I ever have after my fork-in-the-road moment.  I love it!   

Hang in there girl, enjoy each day for what it brings you...ups and the downs.  You'll learn more about yourself and those around you quicker now than you ever have.

Its funny i used to be a youth pastor and i never realized that Deut 22:5 actually said that (I stayed out of the old testament in general....I see it as more of a law book for ancient society than the basis of a religion...especially DEUT...).  Thanks for sharing

Pandora's box has been opened... but you were residing inside of that box. The light of clarity that now shines inside, can also blind you untill your eyes have time to adjust. Just like walking outside on a bright summer day from a darken room you cannot see well. Just as you would for that, slow down, stop, take your time, allow yourself to adjust.

Eventually you'll get to where you wanted to go

A week since this topic was started... Any updates?...revelations?

So so.....I'm still thinking about transitioning almost 24/7....It causes me to be distracted at work from time to time...I feel intently that i want to do this...I'm not ashamed of it and have embraced it completely...The challenge for me is the "Escape plan" as i like to call it...My family has accosted me before when they suspected i was gay (When i cross dressed as a child)..So i know the next 6 months will be me doing therapy and working towards getting my hrt letter and raising as much money as possible to move away where i  just have to phone call them (they are used to me going away for years at a time from my being a missionary...They wont bat an eyelash).  Im also trying to get a job in my industry again (web development) so i can jump start my career again and hopefully if it all works out by the time HRT has run its course i will have all the funds together to get FFS and finally become Ariel full time (or before...it would make me o happy!)...Coming out to myself has given me drive to try to live my life again...I just get scared of the process and what i'm going to do while "In transition"  getting money, not being judged by others etc etc etc... but i honestly feel that i have gone to far to ever go back....thanks for asking :-)

Quote from: djdiva1982 on November 23, 2014, 08:29:34 AM
Coming out to myself has given me drive to try to live my life again...

This, my friend, makes my soul smile!  I love hearing this from other transgender people!  Hope returns!! 

Yes, it's scary at times, keep pushing through is the best advice I can give you.  Don't let off the gas pedal, so to speak, when the fears kick in.  After all, they are just emotions keeping you from reaching your goal.  They've had decades of your life already, why give them another minute of your life to waste?