Quote from: Satinjoy on November 11, 2014, 12:17:03 PM
The original idea behind the beard was fighting being trans.  Now I am stuck with it, but it has its uses, my presentation is quite startling at times.

Feeling better here, in between injections.  Powerful stuff, hormones, and I think my boobs are growing again.  I need that to happen, big time.

Lot of folks with hair isn't there.  Interesting.

Nails out....boots on....

Blessings

Satinjoy

You are never "stuck" with anything Satinjoy. That is the best thing about being human. We can decide what we do and what we look like. A Billy goat has a goatee and has no choice. A tom turky has a beard and has no choice. We are human with self awareness. We can choose how we look. Sometimes hon you have to lay everything on the line I have and lost everything before and gained a lot more. Satisfaction with myself. Being able to embrace the true me. A self Identity that no one but me controls and ever will. Does the beard make you who you are? Is it something to hide behind? Is it just a part of you and an image?

I know, my friend, you think you have a lot to lose. Lose yourself though and you are truly gone. I know you will probably get mad at me but take a number hon. Family is who you make it. Yeah if you have children it will be harder but faking it for them is not really being true youself or to them is it? I don't know because I never could have children even as a freakin' man. Low T levels and I guess wussy spermatazoa. So yeah I really don't know. I really can't even know. But I do know you have to be true to you or you can't really be true to anyone else. If they have a problem with it that is their problem. I really hope I don't make you mad. I could never forgive myself if I triggered you. But the truth is you have to be you, not some image of you that someone else wants you to be. Does any of this make any sense. I lost it all. More than once even. One I hijacked even. I lost love or what I thought was love but found it again somewhat.

Yeah. I know I don't have children and don't really know. I can't have children because maybe I can't or have never been a real man. Never really wanted to be anyway. That hurts more than anything. I would rather have a son or daughter not accept me than not have any at all. There is always hope. Hope that they will come back. With me it is hopeless because there is no one other than an ex that was more of a bitch than me. Children can alwasy be shocked and come to their senses and understanding. I am screwed though.

OMG I am trying to help you and now I am down. Never mind Satinjoy. Forget all of what I said. I don't know because I have never had anyone love me that was truly as special as a child. Just other people and that just isn't quite as special though is it? Forget it. Hon. I never should have replied. I am just an idiot that think she knows what she is talking about when I really don't. Sorry hon.

No worries my dear.  My dysphoria is dropping and it's ok.  Until it isn't.

You shared your heart, thank you.

Quote from: Satinjoy on November 17, 2014, 08:30:56 PM
No worries my dear.  My dysphoria is dropping and it's ok.  Until it isn't.

You shared your heart, thank you.

Your welcome hon.

But what do you mean our dysphoria is dropping and it's OK. Until it isn't? My heart is here for anyone that needs it.

It means that my dysphoria fluxuates, and when it is as today, I am quite happy and comfortable, but tomorrow, if stress goes high, SJ will manifest to protect Satinjoy, and then, the pendulum will swing.

When the genders split it is unhealty.  I talked of it with my shrink yesterday, we talked of many meaningful things.

Right now, on this forum, SJ has once again taken control of me.  Whenever Satinjoy feels threatened, SJ takes control.

You have seen what he can do, the deep rage, the protector, but none of this is directed at you, and there is a point where that old political theater actor gets quiet and starts doing what he does the most.

Revealing truth.

As to your stuff, I am really sorry.  And there are major sacrifices when you father a child.  When you take a vow that means what it says, speaking only for me there.

I will break my mind before I break their hearts.

Satinjoy.

SJ, I am in very much the same mode of "let's see where these hormones go, and how they change you, but I always will need my husband (my wife says)".

So, as I begin HRT next month, the mustache I have had since college (sans 10 days when I was forty, and the kid's kind of freaked out seeing me without it) will remain as my one identifying characteristic to my about to be former, fully male, presenting self. Ironically, it will be my "beard", where people would certainly notice a huge change in me if I were to shave it off, but probably will only notice the facial hair and glasses, when all the new physical and emotional changes are out there right in front of them.

The time I finally shave off the facial hair will probably be the time when I identify to go FT, if that even becomes a part of me. For now, until whatever happens with these hormones, a non-binary, andro-type identity will be what I am going for, and outwardly I will still present as people "think", or want to think they know me.

I too, succumb, to yielding to my good, 25 year marriage by carrying the "beard". These are our own personal accommodations and struggles; that's why we are all so different in our journeys.

Quote from: Jess42 on November 17, 2014, 06:26:32 PM
Yeah if you have children it will be harder but faking it for them is not really being true yourself or to them is it?

Hi Jess42,

I have two teenage children who don't know I'm transgender, my wife does.   So this point you raise is very interesting to me. 

My therapist once told me that I have a very feminine personality.  She could see it in my mannerisms, the way I talk, and the level of empathy I have for my family and others.  I didn't realize this and it makes me think that if I'm faking I'm not doing a very good job.   She also made the point that transitioning doesn't really change your personality much.  You may drop some of the male acting, soften a bit, but her opinion was that 95% of you was still be the same person your family loves.  She said, empathy was my transition block, but also one of the most revealing parts of my personality.

She also told me that many of the traits my wife and children have loved about me, were feminine.  Most people don't notice these things about you because most aren't very observant. So long story short, you are who you are and nobody is really that good of an actor. 

I'm not sure if my therapist is right about this, but it certainly helped me at the time.

Quote from: Satinjoy on November 18, 2014, 05:33:58 AM
You have seen what he can do, the deep rage, the protector,

Just curious have you ever consider the rage/protector is that of a mother bear and not of a he?

Take care,
Paige

It is neither he nor she.  It is my core.

Quote from: Satinjoy on November 18, 2014, 11:50:06 AM
It is neither he nor she.  It is my core.

Quote from: Satinjoy on November 18, 2014, 11:50:06 AM
It is neither he nor she.  It is my core.

Sorry I didn't mean to offend you.  I guess I should have realized that since you're non binary.   

All the best,
Paige

Not offended, it was cute

Quote from: Paige on November 18, 2014, 10:32:13 AM
Hi Jess42,

I have two teenage children who don't know I'm transgender, my wife does.   So this point you raise is very interesting to me. 

My therapist once told me that I have a very feminine personality.  She could see it in my mannerisms, the way I talk, and the level of empathy I have for my family and others.  I didn't realize this and it makes me think that if I'm faking I'm not doing a very good job.   She also made the point that transitioning doesn't really change your personality much.  You may drop some of the male acting, soften a bit, but her opinion was that 95% of you was still be the same person your family loves.  She said, empathy was my transition block, but also one of the most revealing parts of my personality.

She also told me that many of the traits my wife and children have loved about me, were feminine.  Most people don't notice these things about you because most aren't very observant. So long story short, you are who you are and nobody is really that good of an actor. 

I'm not sure if my therapist is right about this, but it certainly helped me at the time.

Hi Paige.

This is fairly interesting because I have told people that some of the things our spouses fell in love with was the part of us that we hid away. In my case it was that I was feminine at the deepest level of myself. Long hair, she loved it. Hairless body, she loved it. Watching chick flicks together, she loved it. Going shopping for clothes and shopping and shopping some more, she loved that too when so many other "husbands" would get irritated. So she was really a lesbian and didn't even know it. When faced with it though, we were doomed. We have mutual friends though and they tell me about her and her new guy, real guy, and she bitches about all the things he hates that I loved. They even tell me she hates to hear about me. They tell me they think she is a wee bit more regretful than she appears to be. Too bad though.

So yeah, I think your therapist is probably right.

Quote from: Jess42 on November 19, 2014, 02:38:53 PM
Hi Paige.

This is fairly interesting because I have told people that some of the things our spouses fell in love with was the part of us that we hid away. In my case it was that I was feminine at the deepest level of myself. Long hair, she loved it. Hairless body, she loved it. Watching chick flicks together, she loved it. Going shopping for clothes and shopping and shopping some more, she loved that too when so many other "husbands" would get irritated. So she was really a lesbian and didn't even know it. When faced with it though, we were doomed. We have mutual friends though and they tell me about her and her new guy, real guy, and she bitches about all the things he hates that I loved. They even tell me she hates to hear about me. They tell me they think she is a wee bit more regretful than she appears to be. Too bad though.

So yeah, I think your therapist is probably right.

Hi Jess,

Perhaps this would be a good topic for a new thread?   

Paige

some days i like having a beard
some days i just want it smooth
one time i did half and half
that was fun

Quote from: Asche on November 08, 2014, 07:43:04 AM
I have a beard.   I generally trim it so it's around 1" (2 cm) long.  It's softer if it's longer, but I think it makes me look uncivilized.  (Yes, I want to look civilized, for some reason.)

I've thought a lot about why I don't shave it off, given that I wear skirts or dresses most of the time.  So far, here's what I've come up with (subject to change w/o notice ):

• Shaving isn't comfortable.  I shave my neck, but it irritates the skin.
  
• I"m afraid I'd have five-o'clock-shadow, or stubble, and I've never liked the look.  (To be blunt: it grosses me out.  I think it's that it comes across to me as a certain kind of masculinity that I particularly hate.)
  
• The rest of my body is too obviously male.  Since I wear "feminine" clothing, I'm afraid that without the beard, my presentation would be ambiguous.  For reasons I don't fully understand, an ambiguous presentation and/or social role/position makes me feel really anxious and unsettled, like I could be blind-sided at any minute.  I dread being in a position where I imagine I could be "caught."  I feel safer in the role of "guy who dresses funny" than in the "is it a boy or a girl?" role.
  

I've thought a lot about transition.  I think if I believed I could effectively pass as a woman (not necessarily a good-looking one, just clearly female), I probably would do it.  That would involve getting rid of the beard, and of all the things I'd have to "give up" if I transitioned, that would be the thing I would miss the least.

Actually, I've pretty much decided I'd like to start electrolysis, starting with the parts I already shave and progressively shrinking the area of my beard.  But I haven't gotten around to finding someone to do it.  (There's a severe shortage of "round tuits" in my house    )  I'm also told it is "expensive," but I don't know what that means in dollars.  After all, a $10 coffee is called "expensive", while a $10,000 car is called "cheap."

Women here wear same casual, at-the-beach as men. Look closely! We mix both, like ALL my cis-F sisters, cargo shorts, hoodies, tanks, T's, sandals.

Hair to shoulders, 6 earrings (cross gendered depending on day, mood), F garb, M garb, mix, cross. WISH THE 2ndary male pattern HAIR WOULD GO AWAY!

Not binary, not "normative" -- no confusion bout who I am, just real loosey goosey bout not drawing boundaries.

I'm in a rather unique situation, as hormone therapy has left me unable to grow a long beard, though after just a few weeks I can still get short amounts of hair that are quite thick. This has its advantages when I'm not looking to present in girl mode, though when I do want a more feminine look it means I can get a really close shave. However, due to a condition I suffered from (during a period when I was still coping with the aftermath of a failed transition in my late teens), I am left with a few visible scars* that a little shadow helps to cover, but it's not as if I want to be dealing with that when I'm trying to pass as female. While I'd rather prefer to not run the risk of saying anything that could be seen as triggering, I genuinely do feel that sometimes it would have been a lot easier if I'd just decided to go all the way and become a woman instead of being genderfluid. On the other hand, my partner means far too much for me to give up the safe, loving and supporting environment we've built for each other over the last nine years. Besides, we've spoken about "it," and the door is always open for me further down the line - it's not as if either of us are planning to go anywhere, so if I ever decided to attempt transitioning again then at least we'd try crossing that bridge together. For now, I'm happy identifying as non-binary, which suits me better, anyway. Also, there's too much we want to do that may not otherwise be possible if I took this up sooner as opposed to further down the line, such as hopefully one day expanding our family.

*For the record, this wasn't self-harm or anything like that. To be honest, I let my teeth get in a pretty bad state, resulting in one of my saliva glands becoming infected. I very nearly died from a heart attack brought on by a particularly aggressive bout of blood poisoning, and one of the drugs used to treat me in hospital caused an allergic reaction that I couldn't possibly have anticipated, one side of my face ballooning to a point where I'm still probably never going to fully recover, thanks in part to the fact no dentist will treat my various problems until I've gone six months without anything flaring back up. Nearly eight years after my initial period of illness, this has yet to be the case, so I'm resigned to the fact I might not even be able to restart hormones and undergo gender reassignment surgery, even if I wanted to.

P.S. Back in college, friends used to affectionately call me Snake because of my long hair and beard making me resemble the main character in Metal Gear Solid. I guess it didn't help that I also used to chain smoke about 40 cigarettes a day, with 10 cigars on top of this, causing me to sound very much like him as well. These days, I've managed to cut right down to about 10 unfiltered cigarettes a day, the rest of my nicotine intake now coming from less harmful alternatives - mainly an inhaler or the very occasional electronic cigarette, though I'm not using one of these at the moment because I found they started to taste horrible just before running out entirely. If this means I've more chance of quitting altogether then I shouldn't complain, right?

I have a beard I hide behind it I work a very blue collar job and I am growing my hair  (think warrior prinsess) without the beard I am afraid I might be outed

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I took my time beginning electrolysis to remove my beard. It had been a connection to my father. I am a daddy's girl slash tomboy. As a kid I kinda wanted one but as I got one it killed me. I have been loving making my face smoother and turning the stubble blond. I have been considering asking my electrologist if she would leave me a beard of fine blond hair. I like the idea of having what a hairy woman would have. Also, for electrolysis day, I have to grow it all out for three days. I have become accustomed to that and it has shown me that I hate the feeling of man stubble on my face and don't like how my skin looks even shaved smooth in that area. But where it is softer? I'm fine with that.