I am soooooo excited!! I've posted on my "Paula" fb page, written an email and will be contacting another friend soon.

Third gender therapy session and I told her that in the first two sessions, I'd slipped into old thoughts and behaviors of trying to please my family and possibly her as well by being deferential, tentative and trying to be 'open' as to whether I'm trans.

Then I just looked at her and told her flatly, "I am transgender. I don't need you to tell me that and I don't need your approval. I need you to help me become who I am supposed to be."
In talking with one friend, she'd said this was how she'd approached her therapist. I didn't say what I said to copy her, but because I'd come to accept that I have to be me; if that doesn't 'please' people, that's too bad. Sadly, that even includes family which largely, so far at least, is not at all pleased.

It's amazing how that immediately changed the tone of the session and my interaction with the therapist. She's going to talk with the psychiatrist I've been working with for years - which we'd talked about last time and that can only be a good thing - but the point is that NOW I feel therapy can start in a meaningful way.

Not that it hasn't been said a zillion times by others, but I just want to encourage others who are tentative as they go into therapy. If you don't know who you are, be honest. But if you do know, be honest as well! Be right up front and put it all out there. In just 3 sessions you wouldn't believe the personal information I've divulged to this woman who two weeks ago was a total stranger. That may be an extreme and you may not want to spill all the dirt right away, but DO be straight-forward. NO FEAR. Be yourself!!

Congratulations for your courage.  I hope I can show the same someday.

Quote from: Christinetobe on November 18, 2014, 03:29:34 PM
Congratulations for your courage.  I hope I can WILL show the same someday.

Edited! 

Quote from: OlderTG on November 18, 2014, 02:03:47 PM. . . I just looked at her and told her flatly, "I am transgender. I don't need you to tell me that and I don't need your approval. I need you to help me become who I am supposed to be."

That was the coolest, bravest thing I've read for such a long time!  You deserve to feel absolutely amazing about yourself.

Realizing that being trans isn't a selfish decision is a hard hurdle to overcome, especially for us older girls who, for decades and decades, have put everyone else first and don't know how to do anything else.  We feel bad for putting our own needs front and center; it feels so unnatural.  You should never feel guilty or selfish for coming to terms with something you truly have no control over.

Enjoy the high! There's plenty more where that came from on this journey.

Christinetobe,
I can say I haven't slept much for three nights. I didn't know why but now I think I know. And listen to Jessica!! Don't stop at hoping. Tell yourself now what it is you want to tell the therapist. Think it over...but don't overthink! You KNOW inside why it's so important that you be YOU. Before today I knew the words, but this session proved to me that trying to please others at your own expense is good for NO ONE!

Jessica, thanks for friending me (Paula Tuft) on fb. btw, I'll have to check out how to redo my name here. I was shy when I started out, but with the beautiful people here and all the wonderful support I can and want to become Paula more and more. Tuft is fake but a takeoff on a family name. You are definitely one of the beautiful people here!! hugs.

Brenda, if I thought of it as being brave, I might not have been able to do it. I did it because it was something I HAD to do. But then again, years of psychotherapy have helped me work out of all those deep, deep worn but very faulty neural pathways in my brain. I've always had trouble doing what I 'had' to do, but now this is so huge I can't see any other way.

Oh, I will say that even though I was very firm, I think I must have had a huge smile on my face as well. Yes, I think I was proud of myself for saying this. And I can only tell all who haven't yet done this how great I did feel once I'd said it. And after all, it's only simple honesty.

Paula,

I think you pretty well nailed it going in and being upfront. I started with my therapist through the Emp Assist Program. She asked what can I help you with?  I said something like I'm here about depression and anxiety, but I'm pretty sure I'm transgendered/transsexual but the hospital doesn't cover gender related issues. She said no problem, you're here about the depression and all we talked about were trans issues. 5 or 6 visits later I was feeling much better and when I had to stop because I left the hospital, I left with a letter recommending starting hrt. Unfortunately, trying to keep the family together, I put that on hold, which was actually kind of worse, as my therapy helped tremendously moving me forward, but putting transition on hold while I looked for a new job, almost made the dysphoria worse. Though I've reached the point now where I'm looking to start hormones after the turn of the new year.

As to your original point. If you know already, the therapist can help confirm and help you move along, rather than wasting a lot of time.

Hugs,

Wow Paula,

I think you nailed it beautifully. You said it perfectly.

What you just wrote really struck accord with me. I have been to many therapy sessions over the course of alot years. Reading what you just wrote made a lot sense surrounding oh so many of my sessions. Trying to be myself and at the same time trying to please the world around me without ever making headway on either front. I never screamed to just be me and stop playing both sides.

Recently, two weeks ago to be exact, I restarted therapy with a new counselor and Its going far better than of the previous ones even came close too. I haven't approached the straight out I know this about myself and I need you to help me front, but I am going to use that if you don't mind me borrowing it. I need to stop teetering the fence line cause I know who I am, I am a woman to be, and right now the message I am delivering to my spouse and kids it's not good for anyone. I need to be straight up and honest about everything and let the pieces fall as they may.

I want to say thank you Paula for posting this as it will help me!

Hugs, Jenni

I like clouds...   

PinkCloud...I like pink and I love clouds! I'm still floating! The altitude may have changed, but I'm trying to keep the attitude!

traci, I'm glad you happened on a therapist that would do what was needed to help you with what you needed the help with (whew! say THAT 5 times fast!). Again and again and again, how often we do ourselves a disservice by trying to please others; to try to keep the family together at the loss of our own integrity/wholeness. I'm happy for you that hormones are in your future in the New Year! Hang in and hold on to the thoughts of those hormones. I haven't experienced extreme dysphoria so I can't speak to the full effect, but I hope when it starts hitting you, you can use the promise of your future to hold off bad feelings. Try to stay as positive as you can; things WILL be better! Things WILL BE BETTER!!

Jenni, you mention trying to please your family; yes! There it is again! It's so difficult not to try to please those we love. I just got an email from my wife today - responding to something I'd asked - and at the end she said, "I do love you." But at least right now, she's saying that hoping and praying that I'm "only" crazy and not really trans. I can hope that eventually she'll come around and we can have some sort of relationship, even if it's just to be friends.

This whole process will take such a long time and be such a bumpy road, I don't feel I can sit around and wait for something that probably won't ever happen. I need to do something for me. Trying to straddle two worlds just doesn't work and I'm sure you're right about sending the wrong message to your wife and kids.

As to using my 'approach' or even my exact lines, a very wise, wonderful, supportive woman told me she'd used those lines with her therapist. And I'm sure many, many others have been strong and direct with their therapists. That's what we're supposed to do! When it comes to thoughts like these, it isn't plagiarism at all; it's accepting wisdom from others. And if I can't be wise myself, I can at least associate with wise people and learn from them.

I wrote the original post because I was so elated I was going to burst if I didn't celebrate. That it helps someone else just makes me so very happy to be here on this site and be able to help others at the same time I gain so much support myself!

Jenni, be yourself. If you know who you are, you need to announce that to others (well, there is some timing involved in a lot of that) and start being who you are. Those who don't want you to be 'you' are being rather selfish. That's understandable when a wife faces the 'loss' of her the husband as she's known 'him'; when kids face the loss of who they look at as 'dad.' Be sensitive with those you love, but be firm.

Quote from: OlderTG on November 18, 2014, 02:03:47 PM
I am soooooo excited!! I've posted on my "Paula" fb page, written an email and will be contacting another friend soon.

Third gender therapy session and I told her that in the first two sessions, I'd slipped into old thoughts and behaviors of trying to please my family and possibly her as well by being deferential, tentative and trying to be 'open' as to whether I'm trans.

Then I just looked at her and told her flatly, "I am transgender. I don't need you to tell me that and I don't need your approval. I need you to help me become who I am supposed to be."
In talking with one friend, she'd said this was how she'd approached her therapist. I didn't say what I said to copy her, but because I'd come to accept that I have to be me; if that doesn't 'please' people, that's too bad. Sadly, that even includes family which largely, so far at least, is not at all pleased.

It's amazing how that immediately changed the tone of the session and my interaction with the therapist. She's going to talk with the psychiatrist I've been working with for years - which we'd talked about last time and that can only be a good thing - but the point is that NOW I feel therapy can start in a meaningful way.

Not that it hasn't been said a zillion times by others, but I just want to encourage others who are tentative as they go into therapy. If you don't know who you are, be honest. But if you do know, be honest as well! Be right up front and put it all out there. In just 3 sessions you wouldn't believe the personal information I've divulged to this woman who two weeks ago was a total stranger. That may be an extreme and you may not want to spill all the dirt right away, but DO be straight-forward. NO FEAR. Be yourself!!

I'm still waiting for my first therapy appointment date, but I have a friend who went through gender therapy and they had a similar experience. During their first session they stated flat-out that they were transgender and wanted access to hormones for androgynizing effects, and the therapist was a bit taken aback by the bluntness, since apparently a lot of people aren't that self-assured about it. The therapist wrote a referral letter after the second session, even though it usually takes them at least three, because my friend had clearly done the introspective thinking and was certain in their identity before coming. I have an anxiety disorder so I'm hoping I can present myself as confidently as that and get the desired effects!

My new therapist asked what I wanted out of this. I told her I want someone to guide me along my transition.

So far though what we mostly talk about is how I'm dealing with the wife and kids. By far that is my biggest challenge.

I go dressed en femme. Makes me feel more comfortable to open up and I'm doing some RLE as well. She says I look pretty feminine. That's reassuring.

Again Paula, very spot on words in your reply.

I've tried for six years since accepting myself as transgendered and knowing in my heart that one day I will transition, to some how hold onto both dreams ..... my family and my transitioning. I've played the part of dad as best I could all the while slowly (extremely) keep my dreams of transitioning alive by doing little things like research, dressing under male clothing, grooming with small steps here and there, etc.

It just wasn't enough anymore, and my wife and I had a blow fight about several weeks back. It was okay for my wife, outta site, outta mind thinking. But I made some decisions recently to bring it more out into the open with dressing around the house and mannerism and such, and well, she caught on and as you can guess disapproves. I am actually okay with her disapproval this though because I'm to the point where I need to move forward and it out weighs the consequences of staying put.

I really like your comment about learning from those wiser, I find I do it often too. There are plenty of ladies who have traveled this road before us and gave great knowledge to share about the trials and tribulations along the way, as well as the positives.

As you stated, need to be yourself and express, even shout it if need be .... all at the right time of course. I do have a minor delay in continuing my coming out ..... I coach my youngest daughters soccer team and the next rounds of tryouts and team changes won't be until late July 2015, so I do have to be somewhat cautious with respect to my daughters team-mates and their parents, the age of the players is 11 & 12 year old girls. Most I think would be fine with it, I just want to respect the fact that right now if they opt'd out because of trans, then they would essentially not have a team to play on until the next tryout, so it'll just be easier to hold off a little public outing until after that time period. Some actually probably already know, but if so, I don't know exactly who.

JenniR04, as many others here I feel your feelings. I'm also married but have two adult kids. I'm slowly coming out. My son is already asking why I'm acting so gay. I wanted to tell him it's not because I'm gay but because I'm transgender but I just blew him off for now. The wife already knows. I think my daughter knows something. With me changing my career to Master Cosmetologists a lot of people are starting to think. Lol

Rikki

Glad to see you on your cloud   

Has everyone experienced that after going to therapy? I was going to start, but I am afraid to.

jasellebelle,
You are on this site for a reason. If you think your are or if you think you might be transgender you need to see a therapist. There is less to fear from seeing a therapist than from not. May I ask why you are afraid and what frightens you? If you'd prefer, message me and I'd be happy to toss this around with you.
Have you looked for one yet? Have you reached out to a transgender group (real world)? I think a lot of us are afraid at first and support helps you do what you need to. Good luck.
Hugs,
Paula