So I'm coming around a corner here, at least in my own mind. For the past few weeks (ever since starting my new job and being reminded each and every work day that I appear to be an awkward, shy girl) I have been feeling more and more depressed, listless, alone and angry. I've been sleeping and self medicating with booze and refusing to move forwards in my life. I have one test yet to complete for my high school equivalency, and while I will probably pass easily, the thought of going to college as this girl person makes me scream inside.

I have pondered the thought that I am getting played by the gods for being an evil prick in a past life, and maybe that's the case.

But honestly, society is the one with the problem, not me. I'm okay with being non binary. I've noticed most of my trouble is sourced from society's limited opinion on gender.

That doesn't do anything to make me feel less upset about being treated like a little girl (I am small, I have fae bones and a silly voice). I understand I'll always be a freak, and that's okay. I already accepted that one years ago. I'll always be deemed a little child by society for being small and free spirited, spaced out and generally immature....so now the only question is, do I want them to treat me like a little boy instead?

Because I know they'll never assume "that's a both " when they look at me.
Or perhaps they will.
Only time can tell.

PS thanks for being there for me, everyone. You're just about my only support right now.

Quote from: ElioAyla on November 19, 2014, 10:07:44 AM
That doesn't do anything to make me feel less upset about being treated like a little girl (I am small, I have fae bones and a silly voice). I understand I'll always be a freak, and that's okay. I already accepted that one years ago. I'll always be deemed a little child by society for being small and free spirited, spaced out and generally immature....so now the only question is, do I want them to treat me like a little boy instead?

Because I know they'll never assume "that's a both " when they look at me.
Or perhaps they will.
Only time can tell.

PS thanks for being there for me, everyone. You're just about my only support right now.

You're not a freak. You're a valuable, interesting person. Anyone who can't see that is missing out.

I agree that "that's a both" is a lot to ask people. We are wired as a species to gender people as a member of the binary. Procreation of the species sort of depends up on that. There's only so much that changing attitudes and education can do about that.

So our challenge as non-binary people in 2014 (as opposed to some imaginary post-gender future) is to decide whether we want to blend in and appear as a member of the binary, or to stand out as someone who doesn't fit.

There are advantages to both. I chose the binary option, because I'm comfortable being seen as a woman. But each of us has to come up with our own answer to that challenge.

Sounds like you're young. That's not a criticism, just an observation. And, if so, you have your whole life (and the world) ahead of you! Revel in that! Regardless of your physique, voice, etc. YOU have a lot of options regarding how you present to others. E.g., clothing, hairstyle, going on T, breasts... Do what feels right to YOU. Most of the transmen I've known are under 5'5" and not particularly "manly" in stature. Ironically, most of the MTFs I've known are taller than the average male person. And that's before the heels!

As suzifrommd said, some will choose the binary, others do not. For decades how I presented was really non-binary, though I lacked the language for it. Now that I have (finally) figured THAT out, I am enjoying pushing things a little farther in terms of presenting as more 'in the middle.'

Know that you're not alone. Know that you hold the power. Make decisions that feel right for YOU.

Peace.

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."  (or Mr. Shakespeare, anyone )

If you present to others the spirit of your heart, they will ultimately respond.  You are beautiful and valuable in and of yourself.  As you recognize and express that truth, you will become the expression of a gender fluid person and once you feel it is true in your deepest self it will be easier to demand that this reality is recognized.  When I went full time in the real world about a year ago.  I was sure that no-one would buy it, but I did what I could to fake confidence and proudly go wherever I had business dressed at first androgynously and later femininely.  After a time it stopped being novel and scary and eventually just became who I am.  After a time I had the internal conviction to insist that the people I worked and played with acknowledge that which I knew was true.  After a time it became true for them too.

Fair Winds, and Calm Seas,
Julie