What I am about to tell happened 7+ years ago but it is part of the reason I realized I wanted to transition. I just didn't realize it until now.



I had a childhood friend who I had known since I was three. Let's call her, Talia, just for kicks. (I'm not gonna give out her real name). Anyways, Talia was always controlling. She always wanted me to do this and that with her. Sometimes I would do as she said, other times I wouldn't. The times I did what she asked, I would get in trouble because she would blame it all on me. But I alwaysforgave her because she was like a sister to me.

I was an anxious child. I was also very clingy with my parents. Because of this, I often cried and begged to go home when I spent the night at Talia's house. I'm sure it hurt her that I did that but it wasn't intentional.

Well, we ended up going to the same private middle school. I don't really know, or remember, exactly what happened...all I remember was that Talia betrayed me for popularity. The private school was small, and there were only 11 girls in my grade. Talia managed to turn all of them against me so she could bully me. No one came to my rescue and I was too shy to tell Talia what I thought of the whole thing. I can't say specifically what she said and did because I mostly blocked it all out. I do remember that I was completely miserable that year.

Because Talia betrayed me, I had and still have a hard time trusting people. I'm scared that once someone get's past my walls, they will use all of their knowledge of me against me, like Talia did.

I guess, deep down, I feel that becoming male will erase the pain I still have from the betrayal. I guess the betrayal is why I hate being a female. Girls, especially during puberty, can be very cruel (in my opinion). I hate being female, not just because of my genitalia, but also because of how some girls can negatively impact someone's life.

I feel more confident as Blaine than I do as Olivia. I feel like all the pain and anxieties wash away when I'm male. Yes, females can be kind, but they can also have a dark side. I'm tired of being female and feeling the pain I have every day. I want to be male, I want to be a rock. I want to buff up both physically and mentally. I want to feel comfortable in my own body.

I feel that the bullying was what started my gender dysphoria. Yes, I didn't feel the full affects until a few months ago, but I think that I had always wanted to be male deep inside.

I just thought I'd share this with you all and hear your opinions.

Hug,

Seems being used is a common occurrence among our childhood and forward.

Just have to remember you are the only one in life that holds your own power.

Do not give that away to anyone.

Hugs

Hi Blaine,

this must have been a very painful experience, I'm sorry. I was bullied in high-school, mostly by the boys -- I think it was because I was gender non-conforming, but I buried these memories deep down. Guys were calling me "it" all the time; the girls just ignored me. All in all they made my life hell for several years.

I have a super hard time trusting people and low self esteem.

I think I can relate to what you write about leaving this pain behind, erasing it by transitioning. The way I see it, I'm dissociating these experiences by ascribing them to a person I will leave behind. For me it's a coping strategy of some sort, I think. It's less painful to think of these things happening to a person that's not me.

Thank you mrs izzy

adrian, my mom thinks it is the main reason why I want to transition. She thinks I want to become another person. She says, "Turning into a boy won't change who you are inside." She's right, but I could always trick myself into thinking otherwise. Transitioning will make me more confident about myself since I am currently unhappy with my body. I think once I am happy with myself, I will be happier about life itself.

I also was bullied and used in school because of who I was so my hugs go out to you.

When you are not being the authentic you this stuff happens. I think that when we become our authentic selves it's far easier to assert ourselves and stop these kinds of things dead in their tracks.

Just keep going down the path that you are on. And thanks for sharing what had to be a hard story to share.



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It in a lot of ways Blaine, I was (am?) like you.

I was an awkward child that to this day struggles with social situations. In part from just my personality and my own childhood trauma. I remember a very scarring event that really makes sense to me in why I want to transition.

When I was very young and my parents were still married, I went to a semi-large Christian private school. This was a school that many parents took their kids to not for the (assumed) better education but to raise their kids with "Christian Ideals". In other words, straight cis gender "red blooded" Americans. You can see where this is going. I had a girlfriend that I used to make out with during recess and one time we did it in front of our parents/school staff. The whole school lost their minds and actually threatened expulsion for violating the "morality clause ". Given my mom was an employee and had more leverage, my girlfriend was thrown out and my mother did her hardest to shame and guilt me. I couldn't explain to her my emotions (that since I felt like a boy, it was okay) and I instead became über-straight to make my mom happy. This meant me getting in trouble a lot for pinning boys to the ground and making them say they liked me.

I know the story sounds like it's more about sexuality but trust me when I say it left an impression on me to this day (over a decade later). It was more than about sexuality for me and it confused me greatly for a long time. I'm told my story isn't uncommon (or the variations like yours) so I wouldn't completely subscribe to the "You're just running away from your problems" idea. I'm there are some that do that but it's not the answer for everyone.

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 19, 2014, 10:56:48 AM
I also was bullied and used in school because of who I was so my hugs go out to you.

When you are not being the authentic you this stuff happens. I think that when we become our authentic selves it's far easier to assert ourselves and stop these kinds of things dead in their tracks.

Just keep going down the path that you are on. And thanks for sharing what had to be a hard story to share.



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Thank you Eva. I think you're right about things like this happening when we aren't our true selves.

Quote from: wolfduality on November 19, 2014, 11:23:56 AM
It in a lot of ways Blaine, I was (am?) like you.

I was an awkward child that to this day struggles with social situations. In part from just my personality and my own childhood trauma. I remember a very scarring event that really makes sense to me in why I want to transition.

When I was very young and my parents were still married, I went to a semi-large Christian private school. This was a school that many parents took their kids to not for the (assumed) better education but to raise their kids with "Christian Ideals". In other words, straight cis gender "red blooded" Americans. You can see where this is going. I had a girlfriend that I used to make out with during recess and one time we did it in front of our parents/school staff. The whole school lost their minds and actually threatened expulsion for violating the "morality clause ". Given my mom was an employee and had more leverage, my girlfriend was thrown out and my mother did her hardest to shame and guilt me. I couldn't explain to her my emotions (that since I felt like a boy, it was okay) and I instead became über-straight to make my mom happy. This meant me getting in trouble a lot for pinning boys to the ground and making them say they liked me.

I know the story sounds like it's more about sexuality but trust me when I say it left an impression on me to this day (over a decade later). It was more than about sexuality for me and it confused me greatly for a long time. I'm told my story isn't uncommon (or the variations like yours) so I wouldn't completely subscribe to the "You're just running away from your problems" idea. I'm there are some that do that but it's not the answer for everyone.

Yeah, the small private school I mentioned was a Christian school    So I understand completely.

The thing is that my parents told the teachers about the bullying and they didn't do a damn thing about it! It was happening right in front of them too. I bet they just didn't want to get their hands dirty.

I also have an experience which, in retrospect, I think may have kickstarted my dysphoria. I'd like to share it, but it does involve sexual things, some of which are a little upsetting. So for those who have sexual assault related triggers, this is a trigger warning. Nothing too gory or intense, but y'know, just in case!

Anyway! When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend who I cared deeply about, and who cared deeply for me. We had something of a story-book romance, or at least, as close as you can get when you're both 16.  I am looong since over it, haha.

He and I were travelling together, exploring, generally acting like two dumb babies in an indie romance flick. One night, he was drunk. I was not. He wanted to have sex, I did not. We compromised, sort of. Sort of. I agreed to lie on the bed naked, and told him that he could 'do whatever he wanted,' so long as I didn't have to participate. No bueno.

I sort of just ... idk, it was weird. I 'checked out' of my body as he inspected me, like I was some sort of sex doll, and he was making sure his product was structurally sound. He would look at me, touch me, and I would coldly, clinically, explain each part of me as though I were giving a gynecological lesson. ''Yes, that's my inner labia'' kind of thing. And it was fine, honestly, it was fine. I didn't feel scared. I didn't feel much of anything. I wasn't traumatized.

But my relationship with my body was more overtly uncomfortable after that. Almost like I never quite 'checked back in.' I'd always regarded my body distantly, with neither hatred nor affection, but after that night, I kind of lost any lingering attachment I might've had. I was just a collection of parts, perfectly functional, like a nicely constructed machine.

I've secretly held the hope that transition will make me feel more like myself, that after I have the body I want, I'll be able to look at myself naked with something other than cool disinterest and a touch of disgust. I'd really like to be able to present in myself, to be interested in intimacy. I'm profoundly afraid, though, that I'm treating my arm pain when really I'm having a heart attack. That is, that I'm addressing a symptom and not the underlying disease. What if there's ''something else'' that makes me like this? What if I'm just failing to see the real problem? It'd be a lot of money, pain, and stigma to find that I was delusional the whole time.

I've never told anyone this, either my worry or the event. Hope it wasn't overshare. The topic just resonated.

Wow, thank you for sharing such a private moment with us. I understand how you feel about your body. I feel like I'm not connected to mine...like, I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself...I don't put my body and soul together. I sometimes feel like a stranger due to the bullying and other things I've been through. I am also afraid that I might not be treating the right thing. Like, what if there is something bigger underneath the dysphoria?

I won't know until tomorrow for I'm seeing a gender therapist then. I''m a bit excited but more nervous than anything else. I just want the pain from the dysphoria to diappear and I'm hoping this therapist will help me with that.

Quote from: BlaineGame on November 19, 2014, 03:14:15 PM
Wow, thank you for sharing such a private moment with us. I understand how you feel about your body. I feel like I'm not connected to mine...like, I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself...I don't put my body and soul together. I sometimes feel like a stranger due to the bullying and other things I've been through. I am also afraid that I might not be treating the right thing. Like, what if there is something bigger underneath the dysphoria?

I won't know until tomorrow for I'm seeing a gender therapist then. I''m a bit excited but more nervous than anything else. I just want the pain from the dysphoria to diappear and I'm hoping this therapist will help me with that.

Haha, sorry if it was TMI! Yeah, though, we're in the same boat. Similar fears and feelings -- I often do a double take when I see myself, tbh. Stranger in the mirror.

Good luck with your therapist appointment! Rooting for you.

Quote from: captains on November 19, 2014, 02:03:35 PM
But my relationship with my body was more overtly uncomfortable after that. Almost like I never quite 'checked back in.' I'd always regarded my body distantly, with neither hatred nor affection, but after that night, I kind of lost any lingering attachment I might've had. I was just a collection of parts, perfectly functional, like a nicely constructed machine.

I actually had a very similar experience in college that made me feel the same way. It has played a huge part in the way that my dysphoria manifests itself, which is the driving force behind my transition. 100% understand where you're coming from.

Also, kudos to everyone for sharing in this topic. Bullying and bad experiences are miserable to go through once, and it takes a lot to relive it.

Quote from: BlaineGame on November 19, 2014, 01:42:45 PM
Yeah, the small private school I mentioned was a Christian school    So I understand completely.

The thing is that my parents told the teachers about the bullying and they didn't do a damn thing about it! It was happening right in front of them too. I bet they just didn't want to get their hands dirty.

This isn't an uncommon trend it seems in private schools since they can play by their own rules in a lot of ways. In some aces even disallowing things that would be bizarre even during that time period. (Like denying admittance because of race.) Even my mom, being less than open to gay/lesbian/trans* relationships, was aghast they would threaten expulsion for an (assumed) one time incident. The school was even a holdout for corporal punishment and even tried to demand "swats" before I could continue attending. Your school's apathetic response doesn't surprise me.

Quote from: captains on November 19, 2014, 03:19:15 PM
Haha, sorry if it was TMI! Yeah, though, we're in the same boat. Similar fears and feelings -- I often do a double take when I see myself, tbh. Stranger in the mirror.

Good luck with your therapist appointment! Rooting for you.

Thank you. I hope all goes well with the appointment today. And it wasn't TMI

Quote from: ftmax on November 19, 2014, 03:28:11 PM
Also, kudos to everyone for sharing in this topic. Bullying and bad experiences are miserable to go through once, and it takes a lot to relive it.

I totally agree! I'm proud of everyone who has responded. It helps me feel less alone. Some people just don't understand or don't care what we go through in the past and on a daily basis. I'm glad I have a good support team on this site 

Quote from: wolfduality on November 19, 2014, 03:41:26 PM
This isn't an uncommon trend it seems in private schools since they can play by their own rules in a lot of ways. In some aces even disallowing things that would be bizarre even during that time period. (Like denying admittance because of race.) Even my mom, being less than open to gay/lesbian/trans* relationships, was aghast they would threaten expulsion for an (assumed) one time incident. The school was even a holdout for corporal punishment and even tried to demand "swats" before I could continue attending. Your school's apathetic response doesn't surprise me.

Yeah, it's very unfortunate. I will never take my children through private school. I'd rather homeschool them myself than have them go through crap like that.

UPDATE!!!

So I sent "Talia" a long pm on Facebook, telling her about how I was sorry how our "friendship" turned out. I also asked if we could meet up. (I didn't say it was because I wanted to talk about the bullying).

She got on Facebook a few hours after I sent the message to her. She read the message.....no reply!!!! She didn't reply to my long, kind message! She just read it and moved on. She made a slideshow of her two "best friends" and posted it on Facebook soon after she read my message. If she had the time to do that, don't you think she'd have time to at least say "I don't wanna meet up"?

It's a bit insulting having someone treat you like trash, act like everything is okay between us, then just ignore you when you want to get to the bottom of it all.

I'm done wasting my time trying to figure out what happened 7+ years ago! I just wanted some closure but she couldn't even give me that! I'm done!

I had the same type of experiences when I was younger. I didn't have just one but multiple female friends in school betray me, ridicule me and bully me so that they could gain attention and seem more popular. It made me resentful of how deceitful and terrible little girls could be at that age. It also made me dysphoric because I didn't understand how to socially interact with girls. I always preferred the way guys handled their social interactions. I was used to handling things such as bullying by fighting it out and finishing it, not by gossiping about a person for years.

The treatment I received in school made me realize that I was socialized as a male because I had no idea how to interact as a girl. But with that being said it didn't make me want to become male just to escape the bullying, it only made me realize that I always was male. I don't think one incident of bullying, as terrible as it may have been, is a good enough reason alone to want to transition. For me, trying and failing to socially interact as a female is a big contributor to my dysphoria but my dysphoria also goes much deeper than that.

Quote from: Contravene on November 21, 2014, 07:58:58 AM
I had the same type of experiences when I was younger. I didn't have just one but multiple female friends in school betray me, ridicule me and bully me so that they could gain attention and seem more popular. It made me resentful of how deceitful and terrible little girls could be at that age. It also made me dysphoric because I didn't understand how to socially interact with girls. I always preferred the way guys handled their social interactions. I was used to handling things such as bullying by fighting it out and finishing it, not by gossiping about a person for years.

The treatment I received in school made me realize that I was socialized as a male because I had no idea how to interact as a girl. But with that being said it didn't make me want to become male just to escape the bullying, it only made me realize that I always was male. I don't think one incident of bullying, as terrible as it may have been, is a good enough reason alone to want to transition. For me, trying and failing to socially interact as a female is a big contributor to my dysphoria but my dysphoria also goes much deeper than that.

Yeah, I understand and this bullying issue isn't the only reason I'm transitioning. There's a lot more behind it, some of which I don't even know or understand yet. But I'm sorry you had to go through it too

Quote from: Hanazono on November 21, 2014, 08:47:55 AM
I hope this doesn't come across as patronizing.

I'd like to remind you that only you and you alone have the power to give yourself closure.

That wasn't patronizing lol. That actually makes sense. Sometimes I need things pointed out to me in order for me to realize it haha. So thank you